That ain't workin...That's the way you do it.

I realize that for most people the economy is slowing down at a relatively alarming rate. Not for me of course; I invested heavily in high-end tech stocks like Lucent and PSINet, and last time I checked (sometime in April of 2000) I was doing terrific. But not all people are overnight millionaires like me. Regardless, I find it very hard to feel any sympathy for people who can’t find a job. There are literally hundreds of wonderful opportunities in our Federal Government which are available to regular joes just like you. Granted they require Presidential approval and a Senate confirmation, but goodness knows the restrictions on these jobs aren‘t exactly stringent; as long as you didn‘t shoot a priest you should be in. Although I'm pretty sure John Ashcroft shot a few in his day, and he‘s Attorney General.

All you’ve got to do to get one of these swell gigs is go to the White House website and fill out an application. It may be a while before you get a call; the President has nominated 377 people but only 121 have been confirmed by Congress. This may be due to the fact that of the six months the 107th Congress has been in session, they’ve only worked a total of 76 days. Wish I could take 58% of my days off. In their defense, they are busy on those days; meeting constituents, raising campaign funds, and murdering interns. But if you’re feeling lucky, dust off those resumes and have a look at the smorgasbord of quality opportunities in your government:

Assistant to the Secretary for Nuclear, Chemical and Biological Defense Programs - Sure there’s a whole lot of “buzzwords” in that title, but let’s face it: How much does an assistant to a secretary really need to do? And if you’re like me, you can probably finagle your way into any conversation about nuclear, chemical and biological defense. I mean, it ain’t rocket science. But if rocket science is what you’re into, you can be the

Administrator, NASA - In the movies, the head of “mission control” never likes the head of NASA, because he’s always trying to thwart some plan to “get the boys home” when they’re lost in space. I’ve always thought that if the head of “mission control” was a little better at his damn job, “the boys” wouldn’t have gotten lost out there in the first place.

Chief Financial Officer, NASA - I wonder if the IRS audits NASA the same way they audit everyone else. “So let me get this straight...you want a $987 million deduction for parts on a...what did you call it? ‘Mars Lander,’ that’s right. But you don’t have it with you. It got lost. I see. Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to come to my office.”

Assistant Secretary for Space - I’m not sure if they’re talking about outer space or just making sure the Pentagon has a positive Feng Shui. I’m hoping it’s the latter, as I’ve always thought all those scary soldier-types I always see around the Pentagon would smile more if their offices had a more positive energy flow and bright blue beanbag chairs.

Director, Office of Civilian Radioactive Waste Management - This probably won’t win you too many friends, but I’ll bet it looks great on a business card. I’ll absolutely guarantee the kickbacks and bribes are much better than with the Secretary for Space job. Space is much easier to get rid of.

Administrator, Wage and Hour Division, Department of Labor - Unlike the Radioactive Waste job, this one WILL win you some serious friends. Until you have to tell them that the Republicans keep killing your requested wage hikes. But you can win back their affection by saying you’re trying to get the average working man a Congressional working schedule -- half a year off.

Alternative Representative for Special Political Affairs, State Department - I’m guessing this means you only have to work when the regular Representative calls in sick. And since I’m also guessing that “special” in this instance means you’ll be working with people who rode the small bus to school, this should be a pretty sweet gig.

Assistant Secretary for Compliance, Department of State - You’ve probably got to be a former bouncer for this job. I’m guessing they just send you to various “trouble spots” to Tony Soprano their asses into doing what the U.S. says.

Director, Central Intelligence Agency - My fondness for bestiality and heroin prohibit me from going out for this job, but if you have no criminal record, give it a whirl. They’re also looking for a Deputy Director, Deputy Director for Community Management, a Statutory Inspector General, a General Counsel, an Assistant Director for Administration, and an Assistant Director for Collection. Sort of makes you wonder who the hell is working at the CIA if all these jobs need filling.

Deputy Director, Federal Emergency Management Agency -- Basically, whenever there’s any sort of major accident or natural disaster, you’re there, no matter where in the country it happens. I daresay this is not a job for the easily depressed. However, those with deeply ingrained schadenfreude will probably derive great pleasure from this position.

General Counsel, Equal Employment Opportunity Commission - This is a great job, but I hear they’re not hiring blacks, Hispanics, or Chinamen.

I wish the best of luck to all of you. Unfortunately, I just got a new job, otherwise I’d definitely go for the Commissioner of Food and Drugs position, since I’m guessing you get a lot of free food and drugs.