| Since Surgeon General David Satcher’s stunning announcement that 97% of all crimes are committed either in France or by French people, many Americans have been wary to leave their homes, lest they be attacked by natives of this war-torn country. French people have been immigrating to the United States for dozens of years. The first wave began when then-president Charles De Gaulle outlawed eggs and put a 7% excise tax on walking. Seventeen French refugees set sail for America aboard a small pack mule and within days were sailing past the Statue of Liberty on their way to Branson, Missouri, birthplace of the tennis ball. The seventeen procreated rapidly, as French people are wont to do, and soon Branson was given the colorful title “Sucktown U.S.A.” After President De Gaulle was accidentally turned into an airport, a young go-go dancer named François Mitterand staged a massive coup to become president. Mitterand employed members of the Macedonian mafia to buy votes and influence elected officials, and he took office in 1998 after a brief sojourn to Nagano, Japan where he won a gold medal for women’s speed skating. Mitterand’s first act was to demand that the entire French population in the United States, which had blossomed to over 250 million, be immediately returned to France. Mitterand was able to coerce Mexico into putting pressure on the U.S., with the understanding that the massive population of French in Mexico would not be deported. All sixteen residents of Canada remained neutral. U.S. president Bill Clinton, fearful of France’s massive arsenal of nuclear and biological weapons, immediately agreed to Mitterand’s demands. But the French residents of the U.S. refused to leave, rooted as they were to successful dry-cleaning businesses and Chinese restaurants. They protested against Mitterand, even arguing he had rigged his gold medal victory. After Clinton ordered roving bands of Marines to round up anyone suspected of being French, the French began to disguise themselves as bricklayers, blimp pilots and movie stars. These disguises so fooled the U.S. government that only twelve individuals were returned to France, and four of those were later found to be Mexican. Before France could react, however, President Mitterand converted to Buddhism and moved to Vancouver, British Columbia. France was bought by Wal-Mart, Inc. and today consists mainly of warehouses and amusement parks. So how can you protect yourself from the large, hidden French population? Experts say basic common sense is the key. “The things to watch out for,” says Dr. Henri LeBou, “are big gums, blonde hair, green eyes, small moles or birthmarks, addiction to Diet Coke, obesity, inability to speak any language other than French, and the rickets.” When in doubt, never go anywhere without calamine lotion and a bassoon, and avoid the South. “I’ve heard there’s a few French in Louisiana,” says Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton, “but that’s probably just rumor and hearsay.” Secretary Norton recommends extreme prejudice when encountering a suspected French person. “When I went to school at the University of Denver we’d just shoot them in the street. It became like a contest on Friday nights…who could get the most liquored up and take out the most French.” Secretary Norton is also seeking a recipe for sea bass. If you or anyone you know has a recipe for sea bass, please send it to Gail A. Norton, Secretary of the Interior, c/o United States Department of the Interior, 1849 C. Street, N.W. Washington, DC 20240. |
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| France |
| HOW TO AVOID FRANCE |