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| FUN TIMES IN WASHINGTON TOWN |
| Now is this a face you can trust, or what? |
| I went to a hearing the other day on Capitol Hill of the House Agriculture Committee. During this hearing, a member of the Committee asked one of the witnesses if he believed that the peanut industry would benefit from normalized trade relations with China and presidential Trade Promotion Authority. In a normal hearing during normal times, those in attendance would have either returned to their crossword puzzles, continued playing Tetris on their Palm Pilots, or simply fallen fast asleep. (I myself create enormous, complex doodles on my notepad, or pictures of me doing things to Pamela Anderson, Gillian Anderson or, occasionally, Brady Anderson.) Instead, everyone listened with baited breath, and hundreds of reporters took hundreds of pictures and captured hundreds of feet of videotape of this seemingly inane question. The witness no doubt answered the question, but no one really gave a crap about the answer. That’s because the Congressman asking the question was Gary Condit. In the interest of fairness, I won’t take a side on this issue, even though it’s perfectly obvious to even the most dim-witted of individuals that this guy knows more than he’s saying. But by the same token, do we really need to see non-stop footage of Condit walking around and doing boring Congressman-type stuff? “Tonight on NBC News, Gary Condit leaves the Rayburn House Office Building to get a sandwich...does this mean he knows something about Chandra Levy? How can he eat at a time like this? We’ll ask Tim Russert.” I do have two thoughts on the whole thing: 1) His website drips of delicious irony. In the lower left corner it’s got an online application for internships, a link to the Center for Missing and Exploited Children, and something called “Gary’s Page for Kids!” (Example: “Gary Condit is a member of the House of Representatives. Gary is elected by the people of the 18th district of California. Gary wants to stick his California bratwurst in your sister.”) 2) If I ever kill anyone, I’m dumping them in a DC landfill. The DC Police came right out and said that it would take a full year and over $6 million to search just one landfill, and there are six landfills in the DC metro area. The next time I go to the dump I’m expecting to see Tommy, Henry and Jimmy burying Billy Batts. But you can't blame the news organizations for making a story out of this. Let’s face it folks, there ain’t a lot going on in the world. Even Bush has managed to keep his name out of the papers lately, with the exception of telling people they should spend every last cent of their forthcoming tax rebate to stimulate the economy. George, buddy, you’re only sending me $300. If my $300 is capable of re-stimulating the economy then my nudie bar trips alone should have made us the richest country in the world. Unless sticking the $300 one dollar at a time into the garters of dancers isn’t what you call re-stimulating, though I’d be lying if I said it didn’t stimulate me. And now Congress is saying that because the tax cut was so big we may go back into a recession. That’s right; the huge surplus that just a few months ago was enough to send every child in the world to college twice with enough left over for a new Ford Focus for every American will be damn near gone as soon as Congress finishes up the pending appropriations bills. One Congressman even had the brass tacks to suggest that perhaps we shouldn’t send every American $300, since after we do we won’t be able to afford cab fare. Naturally this didn’t go anywhere as even Bush knows that if you promise every American $300 and don’t deliver you might as well chop your own testicles off on national television. Some of you may have gotten a notice in the mail saying when you’d get your return and how much it would be. Seems to me that they could have saved a good $85 million dollars in postage by just emailing us, or even better, just sending the friggin' checks. If by this point you didn't know you were getting one you’re living in a cave and talking to a blood-faced volleyball. The funny thing about the notices is that about 523,000 of them were misprinted, telling people they’d be getting the maximum refund, even if they didn’t file taxes. So that’s 523,000 corrections that will need to be sent out, or another $177,280, for a total of $85,177,280. I’m no Greenspan, but perhaps instead of re-stimulating the economy you should consider tucking those three C-Notes away until next April 15 when they jack up your taxes because of all these ridiculous expenditures. Allow me to digress for just a moment and say I’m spending my refund on Capitals tickets.... |
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| YEAH |
| BABY! |
| I thank you for your indulgence. I'll be sure to give Congressman Condit your best when I see him. I'll ask him about peanuts, too. |
| ONCE AGAIN BACK IS THE INCREDIBLE THE RHYME ANIMAL THE INCREDIBLE FROO! |