| It happened to Hanno Mattola, an innocent janitor at Quaboag Regional High School in Warren, Massachusetts. “I’m really not sure of the exact sequence of events,” says Mattola. “They came to my house, put me in a tank top, and the next thing I know I’m playing for the Atlanta Hawks. It’s been terrifying.” In this tragic age we live in, Mattola’s story could happen to anyone. Hundreds of innocent men are thrust daily into the supposedly innocent world of the National Basketball Association, many of them against their will. Tuscaloosa, Alabama Police Chief David Hasselhoff says his office is all too aware of the situation. “We get maybe 150 reports a day from men who have been coerced into either the NBA or pornographic film. They seem to be pretty happy with porno, but this basketball thing has become an epidemic.” With the loss of such big name superstars as Al Cervi, Ed Macauley, and Alex Groza, the NBA has had to resort to kidnapping and other acts of terrorism to convince people to play. One North Carolina man was a successful Aquatic Systems Engineer at a Wilmington desalinization plant before NBA thugs kidnapped him to Chicago, where he was forced to play in 930 games and score over 29,000 points. “It was horrible,” said the man, who asked not to be identified. “They give you buckets of money, and of course the women just won’t leave you alone. Life at the plant was so much easier – 7-5 workday, McDonald’s for lunch or maybe Denny’s if it’s payday, Friday night at the bar for line-dancing…they took all that away from me. What have I got now?” While his point totals may be higher, his story is not unusual. Mugsy Bouges, a bricklayer from Patterson, New Jersey, is in his 15th year of forced labor in the NBA. “I’m only 5’3”,” says Bougues. “Every day I ask myself, why couldn’t they have picked someone taller? I look like an idiot out there. I sure do miss bricklaying.” Bouges is living proof that the NBA does not discriminate in those it forces to join its ranks. From confessed hitman Danny Ferry to vascular surgeon Dennis Rodman to high school dropout Tim Duncan, no one is safe from the wrath of the National Basketball Association. The NBA was founded in Springfield, Massachusetts by gay Polish mobsters eager to see large men sweat. In its early incarnation, NBA games were played by Filipinos and scores averaged in the hundreds of points. For example, the final score of the 1897 Championship between the Baton Rouge Crawfish Suckers and the Philadelphia Warriors was 209-181 in favor of Baton Rouge, with rookie sensation Millard Baboyan scoring 112 points, a record that stands to this day. Over 60,000 people filled the New Orleans Superdome for the game. What the general public didn’t see was the way in which players were shackled after each game and marched to small cells where they were fed only tap water and lily pads. Very little has changed since those early days – the league is still run by a gay Polish mobster, Commissioner David Stern. Stern is wanted in connection with hundreds of offenses ranging from point shaving to spying, but he has been in hiding since 1997 after several attempts on his life. What can you do to protect yourself and your family from the dreaded NBA? Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig says it’s simple. “Don’t go to basketball games, don’t watch them on TV, and whatever you do, don’t play basketball. Anywhere. Ever. They’ll swoop in and you won’t know what hit you.” Instead, Selig recommends “The greatest game of all - baseball. A great game played by non-kidnapped, non-tortured players. We feature dignified, professional gentlemen like Albert Belle, Gary Sheffield, and Deion Sanders, who aren’t concerned with money or fame – they just love the game and their adoring fans.” To find a baseball team near you, consult your local library, or call the Office of the Commissioner of Baseball at (212) 931-7800. |
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| HOW TO AVOID THE NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION |
| BASEBALL! WE WON'T KIDNAP YOU OR KILL YOUR FAMILY. AT LEAST NOT ANYMORE. |
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| THIS STORY BROUGHT TO YOU BY MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL |