Subway

McDonalds has recently introduced a new slogan – “Smile.” One can’t help but notice their slogans are getting shorter and shorter (remember “Have You Had Your Break Today”?), but also, frankly, more vague. Who, exactly, do they want to smile? The customers? Can anyone smile after eating two Big Macs? (Maybe after they hit the john about a half-hour later). Can anyone smile as they give themselves an aneurysm trying to suck down one of those milkshakes?

I’m guessing that this slogan may be aimed at the employees, who always seem about thrilled to be there as Trent Lott at a Phish concert. A lot of people get ticked off at McDonalds employees, and it is true some can be downright infuriating. Anyone who has ever eaten at a Mickey D’s on I-85 between Richmond and Raleigh knows that these people must just live under the counter because there’s no way they have the basic intelligence necessary to find their way home at night. But by and large, I think it’s the customer’s fault just as much as the employee’s. Maybe not you in particular, but the person in front of you who stared at the menu for 45 minutes, as if McDonald’s hasn’t served the exact same things for 50-some-odd years.

I spent the better part of my college career working at Subway – granted, a slightly higher form of fast food chain but with just as moronic a clientele. When leaving an eight-hour Saturday shift, you are acutely aware that there is quite simply no way the human race can survive, you’re stunned that it’s lasted this long, and that if one more person asks you if you’re a “sandwich artist” you’re going to gouge out their eyes with a tomato corker. Below are some questions that I’ve really been asked, and the response I oh-so-desperately wanted to give (RIOSDWTG) (and would have, if I had a much quicker wit):

QUESTION: Which is longer, a six-inch or a footlong?
RIOSDWTG: Well six is more than one, isn’t it? Unless you’d like our new two-thirds meterlong?

QUESTION: Is your mayonnaise healthy?
RIOSDWTG: Yes. Four out of five doctors say Americans don’t get enough raw egg yolk and polysaturated animal fat.

QUESTION (As the customer stares at a container of olives): Can I get olives on that?
RIOSDWTG: No, sir, those are strictly for display purposes, as is the lettuce and the salt.

QUESTION: Do they tell you how many pickles you’re allowed to put on there?
RIOSDWTG: Yes, at Sandwich Artist University we undertake an intensive, rigorous, six-week training course, during which we are mercilessly forced to repeatedly apply pickles over and over until we hit exactly the right amount prescribed by the Subway International Comptroller of Pickle Amount and Quality. If we are unable to master this task, we are drowned in a toilet full of brine.

QUESTION: Do they make you wear that apron?
RIOSDWTG (in a barely audible whisper): Yes…they’re pointing a gun at my head right now. For the love of God man, call the police…

QUESTION: Is the arboretum on this floor?
I didn’t know how to answer this then, and I don’t know how to answer it now. Our store only had one floor, and really, isn’t there only one floor an arboretum could be on? Wasn’t it obvious from the unmistakable lack of even one tree that there was not an arboretum in that building?

QUESTION: Does the seafood and crab have real seafood in it?
RIOSDWTG: Yes, so long as you count bottom-feeding suckerfish with fin rot.

QUESTION: Does the seafood and crab have real crab in it?
RIOSDWTG: Yes, because crabs are so prevalent in western Massachusetts. And the price is terrific considering that six ounces of crabmeat in Baltimore is $22.95, but here we’re selling it for $4.50. You should invest.

QUESTION: Do you guys really bake your own bread?
RIOSDWTG: No, sir, you’ve caught us. We’ve been deliberately running false advertising campaigns since our inception. These ovens and loaves behind me are made of wax, just like the olives. Please don’t blow the whistle on us, as I shan’t be able to feed my wife, our five children, and our poor hound dog Scribbles.

QUESTION (after the customer has stared at the menu for ten minutes): Do you have fries?
RIOSDWTG: Of course we do, but we don’t like to put them on the menu, as it seems to detract from the overall classiness of the establishment. We’ve also got a wonderful veal piccatta and escargot, which I recommend with our 1989 Chateau LeBriere that compliments ever so slightly the caramelized garlic of the snails. Or perhaps you’d just like some of our healthy mayonnaise to dip your fries in.

QUESTION: Are you a sandwich artist?
RIOSDWTG: Bite me.