| While most conspiracy theorists preach that the CIA or another high-level government organization is withholding thousands of pieces of vital information from the American people, new information is emerging that the Department of Agriculture’s Forest Service could be the lynchpin in several vast government cover-ups. “They’re into some sketchy things, no question,” said former Bears and Saints head coach Mike Ditka. “All those UFOs are found in forests. You think that’s a coincidence? Except that one in Roswell, that was in a field, but more are in forests. It’s disconcerting.” Nor are washed-up football coaches the only concerned parties. Smoky T. Bear, a former high-level Forest Service employee, is putting the finishing touches on a tell-all book that he says will blow the lid off the Forest Service and “reveal the truth” to the American people. “The people need to know what this organization is doing,” said Bear. “That ‘Caring for the Land and Serving People’ crap reads good on paper, but look behind it and you’ll see what they’re all about.” Indeed, a recent U.S. News and World Report story called the Forest Service “the single most ominous, odious, and scary organization in the world – worse than communists, Nazis, and pedophilic bestiality freaks combined.” The statistics revealed by both the report and Smoky T. Bear speak for themselves – since the Forest Service’s creation in 1905, over 140 million people have died in the United States, an average of 1.5 million a year. Unfortunately, the Forest Service has consistently been able to cover its tracks. “You couldn’t trace one death back to them,” said Bear. “But there’s no question they’re responsible for all the deaths everywhere, and probably others, too.” Smoky T. Bear’s book contains dozens of top-secret Forest Service memoranda, revealed to the public for the first time. “We were told to burn them all,” said Bear. “But I’ve got this things about fires, so I never did.” One memo states that the true mission of the Forest Service is |
| “To decimate the nation’s forests for personal gain, to make affordable health care unreachable for as many citizens as possible, to keep the hundreds of extra-terrestrials imprisoned on our planet working at Wal-Mart, and to beat the rival Food Safety Inspection Service at intramural softball BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.” |
| This mission statement was later shortened in another memo to simply “Murder, rape and kill as many citizens as possible.” (While there are no statistics for the USDA’s intramural softball league, insiders say that the Food Safety Inspection Service beat the Forest Service just once, two days before the body parts of several Food Safety Inspection Service employees were found floating in the Hudson River. The Forest Service has not lost an intramural game since.) Another memo, titled “Protocols of the Elders of the Forest Service” was a recording of the minutes of a top-level meeting of Forest Service officials. The memo indicates that the Forest Service purposefully poisoned the Colorado River, deliberately spread impetigo, and used the blood of Park Rangers to make chili. Smoky T. Bear urges citizens to avoid the not just the Forest Service, but the forest as well. “You want to stay out of the woods at all costs,” says Bear. “That’s when they get you.” Bear went further and advocated burning down as many Nationally protected forests as possible. “Daniel Boone National Forest in Kentucky, Cibola National Forest in New Mexico, Flathead National Forest in Montana – all of these must be purged with a pillar of holy fire.” |
| HOW TO AVOID THE FOREST SERVICE |
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