| I wanted to write solely about how we, as taxpayers, must band together to make sure that George W. Bush has a nice place to live. As usual, I had written the whole column in my head at work, which explains why just about everything I do there is done half-assed. But then Senator Joe Lieberman, who I normally like, and some fartknocker named L. Brent Bozell III crossed a line, and now have found their way into the dregs of the Froo Froo. They dissed Buffy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of these obsessive fans who watches every episode, reads all the books and other supplemental materials, and spends company money to fly to L.A. to stare at Sarah Michelle Gellar through her bathroom window with a pair of Bushnells (I use my own money). In fact, my wife’s Buffy experience is usually ruined by my asking “What the hell just happened?” about forty times per episode. But nobody, and I mean nobody, calls Buffy “low-brow, raunchy programming.” L. Brent Bozell III, besides having a horrendous name that no doubt made him the victim of the constant jabs and insults that cause people to become Republicans, is founder and president of the Parents Television Council (PTC), a group that essentially tells parents what to let their kids watch. Since the PTC is run by right-wing freaks like Bozell, they want parents to have their kids watch “wholesome” shows like 7th Heaven. If you’ve never had to suffer through an episode of 7th Heaven, let me give you the gist of it: do-good minister with six kids has a moral dilemma; 3-5 of his kids as well as 1-2 of their friends have moral dilemmas; they ask each other for advice (the men ALWAYS give the women advice, never the other way around) ; the moral dilemmas are solved; everyone is happy, except the hot chick who posed in Stuff magazine and got booted off the show. The moral dilemmas usually involve such Jerry Mathers-esque tripe as whether or not to cheat on a test, or whether it’s okay to kiss a girl on the cheek after the sixth date. While “wholesome” is an apropos word, the show hardly deals with the issues today’s kids need to think about, such as how commit fraud on the internet to buy ecstasy, and how a Ziploc bag can be used as a condom in an emergency. They cite several examples of how prominent sex is on TV today, quoting lines from Cursed, Two Guys and a Girl, DAG, and 3rd Rock From the Sun. Notice something similar about those programs? That’s right; ain’t a one of ‘em on the air anymore. You don’t have to try too hard to get people to boycott shows they couldn’t watch in the first place. The one show they quote that is still on the air is not only a cartoon, it’s the single most intelligent show in the history of television, the Simpsons. Getting people to boycott the Simpsons is about as futile as Gary Condit running for reelection. They appear to be okay with self-pleasure though; they rank the show My Wife and Kids in their top ten, but choose to overlook the fact that an episode was devoted to a young man pulling a muscle because of near-constant masturbating. That's probably happened to PTC members so many times they thought they were watching educational programming. They also quote such immensely popular programs as Chains of Love, These Old Broads and Gary and Mike. What the hell is Gary and Mike? The only reason shows like this get attention is because tight-asses like those at the PTC watch them and then tell other people not to. If you know anything about sociology, you know that the first thing we as human beings do when you tell us not to do something is find a way to get you to turn around so you won’t see us doing it. It’s the same psychology that leads people to eat something, grimace and/or vomit, then turn to someone next to them and say “here, taste this.” Being typical conservatives, the PTC is a little scared of gays as well, even those that could be seen as positive characters. Let’s forget for a second that Buffy the Vampire Slayer involves a really attractive, scantily-clad woman killing various evil creatures ranging from Dracula to Abraham Benrubi (who, to me, will always be Kubiac from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose) as a giant troll named Olaf. This is the quote that the PTC objects to on the grounds that it depicts a depraved lifestyle: Willow: “Yeah, this is a college thing, just a little experimentation before I…head back to boys’ town. You think that?” Tara: “Should I?” Willow: “I’m really sorry that I didn’t establish my lesbo street cred before I got into this relationship. You’re the only woman I’ve ever fallen in love with, so how on earth could you ever take me seriously?” Taken out of context, this could be construed as two straight-out-porno women who have just had a one-night stand. But if you watch the show, you know that these two characters, played by Alyson Hannigan and Amber Benson, have been together for two years, and who, aside from all the vampire killing, have a much more stable relationship that many other television couples. The PTC elects not to make notice of this, just like they elect not to mention that Mary, the character played by Jessica Biel on 7th Heaven, is a raging nymphomaniac. Apparently slutty-daughters-of-ministers are okay, but level-headed, realistic lesbians are taboo. Even if you don’t watch Buffy, it’s a safe bet you’ve watched South Park at least once. Log on to the PTC’s website, and you’ll see a pop-up ad decrying South Park’s usage of the word “shit” 162 times in a single episode, not one of which was bleeped out. The PTC complains that, “In effect, Comedy Central and South Park’s creators were saying, ‘We can do whatever we want. Try and stop us!’” Well, yes, actually, that’s what creative minds do. If more people thought that way, perhaps I wouldn’t be able to make my major argument against television: that all the shows are the friggin’ same. It’s a damn shame when you have to watch C-SPAN not necessarily because you’re really interested, but because it’s the most entertaining thing on. The South Parks, Simpsons, Ren & Stimpys, Twin Peaks and Sopranos come along once in a great while, and are always met with as much scorn as praise, sometimes leading to them becoming watered down and boring (that’s what happened to the Froo Froo as well). But I digress. They PTC goes on to say that “In an average week, South Park is viewed by nearly a half a million children between the ages of 2 and 17 nationwide.” How about instead of directing parents to write threatening letters to Comedy Central and its advertisers, you ask the parents to simply monitor what their children watch? I have this terrible mental image of a kid listening to Cannibal Corpse and building a pipe bomb in his room while his parents argue over the semantics of a strongly-worded letter to Cadbury Schwepps asking them not to advertise on “Smackdown.” I guess I’ll have to get into the budget for White House repairs next week. I’ll leave you wondering how a person could possibly spend $430,000 just to repair a swimming pool. |
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| L. BRENT BOZELL III WEINER OF THE WEEK |