| Like many other aimless people who long to be told what to do, you’ve probably been considering joining a cult. Good for you – a cult is the easiest way to assure yourself of a life of quiet mediocrity, which is the most a person of your modest intelligence could ever hope for. However, as you may have seen on such shows as 60 Minutes, 48 Hours, and 1440 Seconds, a cult can be a dangerous thing to go into blind, or even with your eyes squinched up real tight. Unlike buying a home or choosing a wife, deciding which cult is right for you takes a great deal of time, energy and research. Hopefully our friendly advice can narrow it down, and help you choose a cult that will exploit your mind and body to its fullest potential. Choosing a cult is especially tough these days due to the large number of former millennium cult members now struggling to find their place. Those who didn’t take their own lives after realizing that no spaceship or denizen of the afterlife was coming on January 1, 2001 are now, like you, desperate to find a qualified brainwashing group to properly run their lives. But despite the added pressure, you should be confident that you are more easily controlled and puppet-like than your competition. Besides, most cults will take as many brain-dead troglodytes as they can get their hands on, so hop on board! It’s important to look the part – no qualified cult leader outside the Church of Scientology will choose a wealthy, well-known individual. Sell all of your possessions in order to buy guns (you can’t face the approaching Apocalypse without a Smith & Wesson, now can you?), and relocate to a run-down, single room shack in either Montana or Texas. Eschew luxuries such as indoor plumbing, electricity, and modern medical assistance. Try to wear the same black clothes every day, and avoid washing them. Grow as much facial hair as possible, even if you’re a woman. And most important of all, always give the impression you will follow your chosen leader endlessly and faithfully, on any assignment, regardless of how dangerous or psychotic it may sound. Once you’ve settled into your leaky hovel in the Montana backwoods, it’s time to choose which type of cult you’d like to join. Religious zealots can choose one of dozens of groups who force their ideals on others. Some starved-for-attention-and-human-contact folks find going door-to-door and proselytizing endlessly is a great way to spend their lives. You needn’t have any prior knowledge of religion -- it’s a safe bet your group leader will brainwash you in just a few short years. The opposite extreme, Satanism, may appeal to fans of nightlife and dead goats. In addition, pledging your eternal soul to the dark lord gives you something to look forward to after death. Like most angry loners, you probably harbor hatred toward any people or groups you don’t understand (and likely have never met), so you may wish to consider an Aryan Supremacy group or the N.R.A. No doubt you’ll feel much more comfortable spending all your time with people who look and act exactly like you. Sure beats thinking! Those who like to labor endlessly without thinking might consider a multi-level marketing scam. This may also involve going door-to-door and annoying dozens of people, while actively recruiting other members at the same time. These cults offer something that not many others can: a 20% discount on some fine products. Those who enjoy mindless, repetitive work but are petrified of human contact can choose one of many cults that require forced labor for sometimes days on end. Finally, those wishing to kill themselves, others, or both should consider the growing number of doomsday cults. Your hatred about your lot in life and anger at your place in the world can be made right with a simple suicide bombing, or by sharing poisoned Kool Aid with your fellow cult members in order to travel to Heaven on a comet. Why keep all that anger and frustration bottled up when you can take it out on your intellectual superiors? So there you have it – there’s something for every person completely unable to form his or her own coherent opinions. Best of luck with your new life! |
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| SO YOU WANT TO JOIN A CULT |