| HOW TO AVOID JOSE FELICIANO |
| When José Feliciano was a performer with the World Wrestling Federation he coined a phrase that would instantly enter the national vernacular and ultimately become popular the world over: “I will suck the blood from your entrails and laugh as your family is crucified.” The lovable young scamp better known to wrestling fans as the “Iron Sheik” had fame, money and power, but it was never enough. Ultimately, his politics and philosophies would put him at odds with several world leaders and cost him his fortune, house, dog, garden, 1980 Dodge Aspen, stamp collection, wardrobe, and wet bar. Feliciano was born in 1899, the son of Latvian émigrés to Ireland. Feliciano’s parents had moved to Ireland in 1845 to use their exceptional exploitation skills on the millions of Irish who had been displaced or diseased during the Great Famine. Rising to massive fame and prominence, they were multi-billionaires when José was born, single-handedly accounting for 89% of all the wealth in Ireland. However, contrary to many published reports, the Great Famine was not all garden parties and amusement parks – the Feliciano family suffered from a severe lack of vitamin A due to the potato blight. To compensate, José’s mother fed him massive amounts of carrots, which made his sight so powerful and concentrated he began to uncontrollably emit laser beams from his eyes. To keep this power under control, Feliciano to this day is forced to wear sunglasses at all times. In order to lower their income taxes, José’s parents sent him to America via UPS in 1929. Within moments of his arrival the stock market crashed and America was plunged into massive depression. Feliciano was able to find work as a foreclosure officer, taking great pleasure in forcibly removing destitute families from their homes. When the economy roared back following World War II, Feliciano wrote the song for which he is most famous, “Feliz Navidad,” which is Gaelic for “I will suck the blood from your entrails.” The song became a massive holiday hit and is still given regular rotation every Christmas, especially when people are drunk. Feliciano claims to have written dozens more songs over the years, but there is no record of them. As the years went by, the royalties from “Feliz Navidad” dried up. What little money did come in was spent on Feliciano’s addiction to postcards depicting the Chinese Boxer Rebellion of 1900. Due to poor management, Feliciano made no money from successful covers of “Feliz Navidad” by bands like The Guess Who, AC/DC and Iron Maiden. A stroke of luck occurred in 1981, when Feliciano hit professional wrestler and future Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura with his Audi. Admiring his charisma and laser vision, Ventura asked Feliciano to join the World Wrestling Federation. Wrestling as the Iron Sheik, Feliciano happily perpetuated the stereotype that all people of middle-eastern descent are professional wrestlers. “This was very offensive,” says Saul Silverberg, president of the Coalition Against Arab and Middle Eastern Laughability (CAAMEL). “Only 89% of sheiks are wrestlers.” By 1987, polls indicated that 4 out of 5 people would rather sever the webbing between their toes with a broken beer bottle than watch anymore of the Iron Sheik’s antics. Feliciano was fired from the WWF and immediately went into hiding. However, his notoriety had not run dry just yet. In 1992, immediately following the massive success of Nirvana’s cover of “Feliz Navidad,” Feliciano published Atlas Shrugged, a massive diatribe against the WWF, espousing his determinist and capitalist views as well as the secrets of several professional magicians. In the book he called WWF President Vince McMahon a “hippie,’ and argued that the kibbutz-like manner in which McMahon ran the WWF would deprive Poland of any gold medals at the 1996 Summer Olympics in Atlanta. Initially the book was given vast praise for its insight into the emotional lives of household pets, but when Poland swept all major events in the 1996 Olympics, including a 187-8 drubbing of the U.S. basketball “dream team,” Feliciano’s credibility was shattered. Penniless, drunk, and laser-eyed, Feliciano rambled the country passing himself off as a vascular surgeon. Several unsuccessful surgeries and jaywalking violations were enough to secure an arrest warrant, but Feliciano disappeared before he could be served. José Feliciano, alias Frank Lavaar, alias Sweet Peety McPie, is male, Caucasian, 7’2”, 345 pounds, with shoulder-length blonde hair. He is believed to have blue eyes, but as they emit highly concentrated laser beams very few people have seen them. He was last seen in the vicinity of Ossenig, New York, betting passerby he could consume his own body weight in snow. If you see José Feliciano, please contact your local record company, as it is believed he has been obscure long enough to become kitsch. |
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| Postcard picturing China's Boxer Rebellion. This postcard was one of over 9,000 found in rebellion-obsessed Feliciano's home. |
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