| According to the detailed records I keep, it’s been over a year and a half since I updated the Froo Froo, which, frankly, is kind of astounding given all the fun things that have gone on in my city and my life, including having a kid. (Which should tell you why I haven’t done more updates, though I’m certainly not short of material.) Let’s go over what I consider to be the three most spectacular things that happened in the past 18 months, other than the birth of my son: 1) One sunny July day, workers at the Department of Agriculture's main cafeteria were just sitting down to lunch when security guards ordered everyone in the commissary to leave. With visions of terrorism dancing in their head, frightened USDA workers cleared the cafeteria only to find out that they were being evacuated because of…mouse droppings. That’s right. The USDA, home to the Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service, the meat and poultry inspectors, and the core of the federal system for protecting the nation's food supply was in violation of the D.C. health code. Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman immediately claimed that departing Clinton administration staff left the droppings as a prank. Seriously though,“They were unaware that mice were in and around food…leaving droppings and urine everywhere,” said the DC Health Department’s Ted Gordon. Nor was this the only problem - according to the inspection report, other citations included "water leaking excessively" through the ceiling, employees not wearing hair restraints, and “slime” in the ice machine. Seems to me that the USDA should have taken a page from their own book and bribed the DC inspectors the same way the large meatpacking conglomerates bribe the USDA. Guess that kind of forward thinking hasn’t permeated the good folks at AG yet. 2) The very same week that the DC inspectors were finding mouse crap in a Federal building, Capitol Police found bullsh*t in a House of Representatives office building after a bunch of Democrats barricaded themselves in a committee room and wouldn’t come out. Shortly after 10 a.m., the Ways and Means Committee convened to vote on a pension bill. The committee's senior Democrat, Representative Charles B. Rangel of New York, argued that the Democrats had been given only ten hours – overnight hours at that – to review the bill. Representative Bill Thomas of California, chairman of the committee, basically said, T.S., we’re going forward whether you’ve read it or not. The Dems decided to do the most mature, civilized thing under the circumstances – run away and barricade themselves in a library, leaving only one Democrat – 73-year-old Fortney Stark (who for some reason is called “Pete,” which I don’t understand because “Fortney” is such a masculine name) to insure that the Republicans couldn’t actually get any work done. Fortney held down the fort (ha ha) by demanding to have the original bill read out aloud – all 91 pages of it. Rep. Thomas let this go for a little while – probably just to see if the poor clerk would actually read the whole thing rather than telling “Pete” where he could stick his “Fortney” – then banged his gavel to stop the reading. Fortney objected, so the reader was forced to continue. Thomas again motioned for the reader to stop. Again, Fortney objected. Thomas then used a little trick that I’m surprised is not used more – he talked really really fast and banged his gavel before Fortney – who again is 73 – had a chance to respond. In other words “Imotionthatthereadingbestoppedisthereobjectionhearingnoneitissoordered BANG!” Stark grew upset, causing Colorado Republican Scott McInnis to tell him to “shut up.” Lest you think the Hill is no longer the pinnacle of eloquent debate and compromise, here is Fortney’s impassioned, articulate response: "Oh you think you are big enough to make me, you little wimp? Come on. Come over here and make me. I dare you. You little fruitcake. You little fruitcake. I said you are a fruitcake." (Later on the House floor, McInnis said he feared a “bodily threat” from Stark – who is 21 years older than McInnis and, as mentioned, named Fortney. McInnis added that he “fully intended to defend (him)self” - given his hardcore pro-gun stance, it’s entirely conceivable he’d have shot ole' Pete right in the Fortney. If you ever want to see what McInnis looks like, just turn on C-SPAN on any weeknight after 9 – this guy hogs the floor like Charles Barkley.) Thomas must have thought this situation was beyond his control as a legislator – goodness knows these guys aren’t elected because of their diplomatic skills – so he called the cops. At this point reporters who have covered meaningless hearings like this for years realized they’d hit the jackpot. History buffs among the group recalled a similar exchange in 1856 when Rep. Preston Brooks (D-SC) caned Sen. Charles Sumner (R-MA) nearly to death on the Senate floor. It is unknown whether or not Sumner called Brooks a “fruitcake.” The first officer to arrive listened carefully to all sides of the story and reached a fair, wise and definite conclusion - the matter was above his pay grade. He summoned a lieutenant, who called the House sergeant-at-arms, whose assistant arrived just after 11 a.m. by which time the Democrats had been holed up for two hours. I’m sure there were already supporters with large clever signs of support outside the room. "FREE THE RAYBURN 10," for example. "Come in, sergeant," Mr. Stark said happily. "Are you armed?" The sergeant replied that he was not (though I’d love to know what that crazy Fortney might have done if he had been). The sergeant then surveyed the scene and quickly determined it a matter to be "resolved within the committee.” Apparently above his pay grade as well. Pawning off responsibility is an art form on the Hill, and it's good to see the talent isn't confined to just politicians. The Democrats were eventually extracted from the library and the real finger pointing began. My favorite comment was made by Maryland Democrat Steny Hoyer, who said, “You are trampling on the rights of the minority,” as if the Dems were black people who’d been mowed down with high-pressure hoses. 3) But my favorite event of the past year or so has definitely been the war in Iraq. We’ll skip the pre-war rhetoric – though it would be remiss of me not to mention that our President decided to go to war after passing a $330 billion tax cut to the wealthiest 1% of our society, leaving the burden of paying for this war on working-class slobs like you and me. No, I say we jump to recent news – Bush’s request for $87 billion to continue operations in Iraq. You’ll remember that a few months back Bush asked for – and received - $79 billion for the same purpose, which he got. That would be a total of $166 billion. Now we could go into Bush’s obvious incompetence in the field of foreign policy, his ignorance of domestic issues (including the decision to underfund his own education initiative, No Child Left Behind, by $6.1 billion, but more on that later), and his cruelty to animals. (You didn’t think I’d let that dropping-Barney-on-the-tarmac-in-front-of-a-bunch-of-Boy-Scouts thing go by without comment, did you?). But I don’t like dealing in the abstract – let’s look at what that $87 billion will really be used for. · $292 million to repair aircraft runways in Iraq, a munitions maintenance storage facility at Camp Darby (which is actually not in Iraq, but rather Italy), and air-freight terminals at Dover Air Force Base (which is also not in Iraq, but rather Delaware). By way of comparison, Bush’s military construction budget calls for just $30 million for upkeep of domestic runways for the entire US. It’s fascinating that US troops will take off from disintegrating runways in their own country only to land on gorgeous new airstrips in Iraq. · $265 million for Defense Department research and development, $39 million for Air Force research and development and $34 million for Navy research and development. Research and development (or R&D) are Defense Department (or DoD) buzzwords that mean “We’re not telling you what we’re using it for.” Pentagon Comptroller Dov Zakheim said all the funds are “critical to military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as Operational Noble Eagle in the United States.” But he wouldn’t say what the money was for. You can’t give me a hint? You’re spending $338 million of my money and I don’t get even an inkling? Hell, you could lie to me and say it’s for snowcone machines. I’d support that. (By the way, how ironic is it that the man in charge of Bush's war money is named Dov?) · $26 million to replace the Army's Multiple Launch Rocket System, which was blown up before it was ever actually used. I liken this idea to repeatedly building Mars landers that get lost…when do we just give up? Also, in case no one was paying attention, it’s a guerilla war being waged against our troops - no one is going to take the time to set up a Multiple Launch Rocket System (or MLRS) if they’re under fire from snipers while guarding a Laundromat. · $15.5 million for the Federal Bureau of Investigation (or FBI) for salaries and expenses. No one doubts that the FBI needs to get paid, but there’s a completely separate appropriations bill to cover that. Also, the Iraq bill is considered “emergency” spending – did the FBI run out of money? What are they, the Ottawa Senators? · $930 million request for base camp housing units. The request calls for the funds to be made available through FY06 – now, Bush has said repeatedly he didn’t know how long we’d be in Iraq. But if he wants to drop nearly a billion dollars to keep our soldiers in quality housing you can assume we’re not pulling out of there anytime soon. · $400 million to build two prisons at $50,000 per bed. Kind of alarming that we’re spending just 43% more to house our entire military than we are on jails to house a few Iraqi prisoners. (Time Magazine noted that the estimated cost of building the same two prisons in the US would be $112 million. Are Iraqi contractors that expensive? Don't you think we could find a couple of villagers willing to do it for some falafel and a liter bottle of Evian? · $25 million for “consulting fees.” At a recent hearing Congressman John Dingell of Michigan asked, "I want to know how much (of the supplemental bill) is going to the Iraqi people and how much to Halliburton and Bechtel [Corporation].” Don't we all. · $9 million for zip codes in Iraq. How hard can this really be? Give me $4 million and a map and I’ll have it done before suppertime. So things haven’t changed in this town since I last wrote. I promise to be more vigilant and not leave an 18-month hole in coverage. But you’re going to have to endure hearing about my kid A LOT. |
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| FRUITCAKE FOR ALL! |