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| We Make the Things That Make Forced Labor and Masochism Work |
| Founded by anti-abolitionists in 1848, Lucent Technology* began as a small Boise-based company that created numbered iron shackles for use by wealthy southern plantation owners to keep track of slaves. The business proved to be very profitable, and Lucent was able to secure enough funds to buy statehood for their home base. Thus Lucent Techonolgy’s Iowa Presented by Lucent Techonology entered the union on July 3, 1890. The population of the state was comprised solely of Lucent’s 88,548 employees, and to this day remains a state populated only by Lucent workers, crazed loners, and potatoes. The three are often indistinguishable. President William Henry Harrison abolished the slave trade in 1903. However, Lucent continued to use slave labor in its iron shackle factories, paying workers three cents a day and feeding them meals of silicon chips and sand. Idaho Governor Frank Steunenberg attempted to shut down Lucent several times based on accusations of forced labor and importing Swedish prostitutes. His attempts ended with his life, when his body was found floating in the South China Sea. State police called it a “swimming mishap,” but made no attempt to explain how Steunenberg’s body got into the ocean, managed to float over 15,000 miles without being found, or became riddled with bullets and decapitated. Lucent’s breakthrough, however, wasn’t to come for another 10 years. It was in 1932, at the height of the Roaring 30’s, that factory worker Felix Bumperhumper changed modern technology as we know it simply by defecating in his pants. “It’s really a miracle that it happened,” explains Dr. Emil Hulapopper of the Lucent Technology’s Iowa Presented by Lucent Technology Institute of Technology, the haven of modern scientific thought. “Somehow the sand and silicon that had been building in Bumperhumper’s stomach formed what today we would call a microchip. It just shows that science is 4% torture, 8% rectal dysfunction, and 85% slave labor. If they had had bathroom breaks, today there’d be no computers anywhere and people would have to communicate orally.” Having accepted that they were a bloodsucking conglomerate hell-bent on profit above all, Lucent began manufacturing weapons. They combined their microchips with a gattling gun and a coke oven and invented what is today called a “nuclear weapon.” Lucent sold thousands of nuclear weapons to countries like Siam, Prussia, and the Belgian Congo. These counties were continually at war with each other, and Lucent forced them into such debt that their only solution was to sell all assets and liabilities back to Lucent. Today, countries like the Lucentia, Lucentistan, and the People’s Republic of Lucent dart the world map. Lucent sold nuclear warheads to the Germans in World War I and II, to the Russians during the Cold War, to the Australians during the Battle of Canberra, and to the Angolans during the Who Gives A Crap War. To this day, anyone can purchase nuclear warheads from Lucent simply by logging onto their website. Today, Lucent is the single largest corporation in the world, having expanded out of Lucent Techonolgy’s Iowa Presented by Lucent Techonology and into Montana By Lucent, Lucent’s Utah, and Nebraska, AKA “the Lucent State.” It is believed the company has the ability to brainwash their employees into becoming hopeless drones who are sent to recruit further employees. This explains Lucent’s rapidly growing base of employees - over 300 million people are currently enslaved by Lucent, and the number is growing exponentially. The company continues to generate billions of dollars in profit, and currently trades at $246,987/share on the NASDAQ stock exchange. The only way to stop this terrible monolith is by destroying its workers. Remember that these are no longer our friends, neighbors, or siblings, but incurable, mindless animals who have been stripped of all humanity and today suffer inconceivable pain and anguish, made worse by the memories of who they were before this curse was brought upon them. Through no fault of their own, these poor bastards have gone from productive members of society to vampire-like automatons, living solitary lives of crushing desperation. May God have mercy on their souls. |
| * Lucent Technologies is not affiliated with Smiling Jane Lucent's Daycare, Famous Frank Lucent's Lemon Snap Cookies, or Big John Lucent's Tactical Nuclear Weapons. |