| Sons and Daughters of the Commonwealth are known for two things: The way we drive and the way we talk. Here’s a guide to understanding the un-understandable ways we do both. (Special Thanks to Dicky B., who taught his kids how to do neither.) Driving The wonderful thing about the Bay State is that if you live there, you are exempt from any and all traffic laws. This is not yet completely understood by the “State-ies” (State Troopers), but is still the general practice. Your only major concern when traversing our state is being aware of where your middle finger and horn are at all times. Don’t even think about sparing these two things for anyone, even children and old ladies. The young people will be honking and flipping you off in a few years, and the old ladies were honking and flipping you off when you were young. It’s like that “Circle of Life” song from Lion King. If you are from Massachusetts, you are asked, nay, expected, to completely disregard the well being of anyone else on the road. You need to get where you are going fah Christ sake (more on that phrase below) and everything else is trivial. One of the reasons everyone in Massachusetts is in a big hurry is the Big Dig (described below), which often results in roads that existed when you left your house being completely demolished by the time you get to them. Things such as taking a left turn on a red light may be illegal in other states, but dammit, you’re not in a state, you're in a Commonwealth. Driving well above the speed limit, creeping through intersections that technically have pedestrian right-of-ways, and ignoring that alien peddle located to the left of the gas are all ways to show you are a Massachusetts driver. Above all, never use your turn signal, or, if you’re one of the aforementioned old ladies, leave it on all the time. Useful Driving Vocabulary: Bang a Uey (YOU-ee): Making a U-Turn. This is not reserved exclusively for intersections; it can be done on any road. Just make a three-point turn or pull up onto the curb. Big Dig: The unresolved mess of holes and construction that is supposed to make the traffic situation in Boston easier. In a nutshell, they’re taking a massive overground highway and putting it underground. The plans were drawn up by Pilgrims in 1665, President John Adams oversaw the groundbreaking in 1798, and work has not stopped since. No one really cares about this outside of Boston, but the poor folks in Beantown who are desperately trying to get to the weekend sale at Spag’s really wish the work would end. True story: my dad and I were once going to a Bruins game at the Fleet Center. We missed the off ramp that would get us on Causeway Street (which has since been renamed Ray Bourque Way; some cities name back alleys after their legends - we give them the most popular thoroughfares in town) so we just took the next exit we came to. It was a completely unmarked flyover that almost literally landed us on top of the arena. When we went to another game three months later the ramp was gone. Despite dozens of stories like this, they just keep on digging. Pike: The Massachusetts Turnpike. A toll road whose fares are unfairly being hiked (see also Big Dig). If you want to sound like you’re from Massachusetts, complain liberally. Statey: A state trooper. If they don’t approach your car wearing their hat, the ticket is inadmissible. Really. Up Off/Up There: These refer to location, not direction. When giving the location of a bar, for example, you might say “Yeah, it’s up off Tremont.” This might mean the bar is somewhere near Tremont street, but in reality it probably isn’t located on Tremont Street. Hence, one would say “Yeah, but I don’t want to go all the way up there.” This means whatever you are referring to is far away. Also, ‘up’ can be replaced with ‘down’ at any time, even when giving identical directions. Language: We here in Mass are lazy with our speech. We don’t like to pronounce certain syllables, we add certain sounds to some words, and we just plain don’t speak the kind of English anyone else does. You don’t like it, fwuck yoo. If you are from Boston or the suburbs, you drop some ‘r’ sounds and make them into ‘ah’ sounds. You will do this generally if the ‘r’ sound falls in the last or next-to-last syllable. You’ve probably heard “Pahk tha kah on Hahvahd Yahd” This translates to “Park the car on Harvard Yard.” If you try to use this phrase in Massachusetts, however, you will be laughed at. There is no parking anywhere near Harvard Yard. FOR FURTHER STUDY: Rent the movies Jaws and Good Will Hunting and study the following lines: Line from Jaws as scripted: “Is that $5,000 dollar reward on the shark in cash or check?” Line from Jaws as delivered: “Is that $5,000 dwollah rewohd on the shahk in cyash oah check?” Line from Good Will Hunting as written: “I got her number. How do you like them apples?” Line from Good Will Hunting as delivered: “I gwot hah numbah. Howdya like dem apples?” Additional note: Apples can be used to make cidah. If you are from Worcester County, you drop the ‘r’ sound and replace it with an ‘uh’ sound, but only with certain words. The list of words simply has to be memorized because, like our roadways, there just isn’t any logical way to figure it out. “Worcester” for example, is “Wustah.” It is NEVER “Wor-chest-er.” You will also add an ‘er’ sound in exchange for any ‘uh’ sound at the end of a word: “Idea” becomes “Ideer,” as in “Do you know how to get to Lestuh (Leicester)?” “No ideer.” (ANSWER: Take route 9 up there.) If you are from Cape Cod you speak with a sort of relaxed Boston accent. The important thing to remember about the Cape Cod accent is each individual vowel becomes a complete musical production. It’s not just Cape Cod, it’s Cape CaAahd. Luckily, you have plenty of role models. Remember the Pepperidge Farm commercials? “MeanwhaAhl, on Cape Cahad, Pepperidge Faham remembahs!” No? Then just try to sound like any of the Kennedys or Mayor “Diamond” Joe Quimby. Indian Words: We New England folk love Indian words (The Massachuset were in fact a tribe living in the Charles River valley). However, pronunciation of these words can be a baffling ordeal. For example, I went to high school at Quaboag (QUAY-bog) Regional. My parents house in on Lake Wickaboag (WICK-a-bog). It could be worse, though; a lake in nearby Webster, Massachusetts is called Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg. Really. Look it up. Does all this sound complicated? Then try to pick up one of these phrases and you’ll be accepted even if you don’t have a local accent. Or just drop the F-bomb as liberally as possible. Useful Local Vocabulary: Bastard (BA-stahd): A useful word that can describe anyone at any time. It can be a sign of love, respect, hatred, or lukewarm feelings. For example: “Cool bastard” (respect), “Yankee Bastards” (Hatred), “Oh, I don’t really know the bastard” (lukewarm feelings). It is also often heard at Irish Catholic funerals. (“He was a helluva bastard,” “I loved that bastard,” etc.) Bubbler (BUH-blah): A water fountain. This is not a Poland Spring water cooler, but one of those porcelain water fountains found at public locations near the rest rooms, aka the “shittah.” Coupla (CUP-lah): As in "a couple of." Dorchester (DOAH-ches-tah): Adam Sandler was once in a Saturday Night Live sketch in which various New England folks were asked to give directions. When asked how to get to Dorchester, Sandler replied “Why da hell wouldya wanna go tah doahchestah?” The answer: you wouldn’t. Ever. For Christ Sake (fah KRISE sake): Interjection used by extremely angry old people. For a while I thought these were three of only six words my grandfather knew, the other three being “Shut up, Pearl,” Pearl being my grandmother. Frappe (FRAP): A beverage made with ice cream, syrup, and milk. I’m told it’s called a “shake” outside of Massachusetts, but I’ve never been able to order one successfully using that phrase. Garden (GAH-den): Boston Garden, holiest of the holy sports arenas, many a tear was shed when it was destroyed. While nostalgia runs deep, it is often forgotten that there wasn’t a single decent seat in the place, and more often than not you had rats running over your feet. Really. But, without a doubt, the most amazing place to see a sporting event in the country. Grinder (GRINE-dah): A “submarine sandwich,” “hoagie,” or “hero.” It’s a really long sandwich that you’d get at a pizza shop. If you order one of these at a Subway, or any other chain sandwich shop they will not know what you are talking about. (If you’re from Massachusetts, you’re extolling the virtues of D’Angelo’s over Subway right now.) Home Teams: Essential part of a large portion of conversation. Fiercely defend the integrity of these teams: Pats, or Patsies (Patriots, football), Broons (Bruins, hockey), Celts, or Celtsies (Celtics, pronounced “seltics," not "keltics,” basketball), and the Sox (Red Sox, baseball, pronounced Swocks so as to distinguish them from the White Sox). Once it looks as if one team won’t make it into the playoffs, immediately begin badmouthing certain players and coaches and begin supporting the next season’s sport. When in doubt, just say you hate the Yankees. Hot Shit (HAHT SHYIT): This is actually a term of endearment that indicates that an individual is funny. If you’re uncomfortable with the word “shit” then you can interchange it with “ticket,” but you’re in the wrong state if you don’t like swearing. I says to him I says: This is how you begin the relation of a conversation you have had. Outside of Massachusetts you would probably just say “I said to him…” Kennedy: Trick question. This one depends on context clues. We have a whole compound full, and if you’re not up on your Kennedy Who’s Who, then don’t even try to fit in here. Tracey Kidder: Ignorant bastard. Would like to think he has his finger on the pulse of modern sociology, but all his studies are Massachusetts-based. We’re hardly the preferred demographic. For instance, his book Hometown is presented as a sociological view of a picture perfect, stereotypical New England town called Northampton. However, not once in its 338 pages is there a mention of the fact that Northampton has the second highest per capita population of lesbians in the United States. It’s like doing a book about Winchendon and forgetting to mention all the incest. Make Out: This refers to how one fares in a transactional situation. No physical contact is required. For example: “Hey, how’d the Pats make out last night?” “Oh, they won, the bastards.” Packie: Shorter form for “package store” which actually means “liquor store.” The variant “Packie Run” is used by college students to indicate a trip to the liquor store. Swearing: Using words (generally of the four-letter variety) you’re not supposed to. Only children swear, the rest of us are just talking. Jane Swift: The person currently occupying the governor’s seat who uses our tax money to pay for her babysitters, uses state police helicopters to transport her (on holidays!), sliced up the Department of Mental Health budget (which resulted in the immediate closure of several long-term inpatient wards so that many patients were just released to the street without any warning or preparation.), and wants to hike up the Pike tolls. Why Massachusetts fills Congress with Democrats but constantly elects Republican Governors is a mystery. T: The rail system of the Boston area. The green line always smells like piss. If you really want to impress, reference the song “Charlie and the MBTA” (Did he ever return? No, he never returned. And his fate is still unlearned). To Boot (TAH BOOT): “In addition to.” Wait a few Seconds: What to do if you don’t like the weather. Whitey: Nickname for James Bulger, who is an old-school Boston Mafioso presently at-large and wanted by the local, state and national authorities. Every so often he’s spotted in a warm climate and the news is dominated by “Where’s Whitey?” spots. Not to be confused with his ‘reputable’ brother Billy, former head of UMass, Amherst. Wicked (WI-ket): The ultimate modifier. Use liberally, in place of the word “very,” i.e., “that’s wicked good,” or “she’s wicked hot.” I hope this helps. Go Sox. |
| HOW TO BE FROM MASSACHUSETTS |
| OR, What to do if you find yourself talking to Matt Damon |
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| Visit "Who Got the Froo Froo." It's wicked good. |