| HOW TO AVOID MOJO JOJO |
| Aside from mimes, precious few things in this world are more terrifying than an evil monkey genius. Thus, many were surprised to learn that former Townsville resident Mojo Jojo was elected Executive Director of the National Republican Campaign Committee by a unanimous decision. An elated Jojo was quoted as saying “I’m bad, I’m evil, I’m Mojo Jojo.” Tired of losing mayoral elections to Mayor Mayor of Townsville, Mojo Jojo, once called the most revengeful, resentful, spiteful, lawbreaking, mad, swindling, thieving, malicious, extorting, assaulting, crooked, torturous, dishonest, complaining, wicked, indecent, menacing, touchy, squatty, shadowy, villainous villain of all time, came to Washington, DC, where his psychotic simian intellect and ideology would fit right in with fellow Republicans like Alan Keyes and Jesse Helms. He was also eager to be away from Bubbles, Blossom and Buttercup, AKA the Power Puff Girls, who often thwarted his evil plans. “Yeah, he was a real weirdo alright,” said Buttercup, now a lawyer in Augusta, Maine. “It was all the time with the ‘curse those Powerpuff Girls’ and whatnot.” Powerpuff girl Bubbles, an exotic dancer in Union, New Jersey, agrees: “There was this one time where he turned everyone in Townsville into dogs. I mean really, what the heck was that going to accomplish?” Details of Jojo’s beginnings are spotty. It is known that he once belonged to Professor Utonium, creator of the Powerpuff Girls. After a brief career with an organ grinder, Jojo received degrees in economics and hyperbolic topography from the University of Minnesota, Duluth. He returned to Townsville set on building boats by day and destroying the Powerpuff Girls by night. However, several ill-conceived plans fell though, including joining with fellow evil masterminds Princess Morebucks, Him, and Fuzzy to form the “Bad Four”. (Morebucks has since come under suspicion for donations allegedly in the billions of dollars to the Republican party). Jojo set upon a different career path, receiving his Master’s Degree in Political Science from Becker College in Worcester, Massachusetts. While working towards his Master’s, Jojo utilized his powerful presence and unique speaking voice to become one of the leading Republican fundraisers in the state. “There’s something about him you just have to like,” said Governor Jane Swift. “Possibly the way he threatens you with physical harm if you don’t give him money.” Despite his efforts, Republicans still lost Massachusetts elections by an average of 70%-28%. “Curses,” said a distraught Jojo, “They just like drunken Irishmen so much that they will vote for them and elect them by voting in elections.” Jojo was convinced by Virginia Congressman and then-NRCC Chairman Tom Davis to bring his skills to Washington. “(There are) nowhere near enough evil geniuses in the Party these days,” said Davis. “Besides me and Lott and maybe Ashcroft there’s only a bunch of wanna-be’s. Mojo is the real deal.” However, Jojo’s ascension to the top of the NRCC was not without its scandal. Acting Executive Director John Hishta was mysteriously turned into a dog a full year before his term was to expire. Authorities immediately questioned Jojo’s involvement. “It is nothing but complete coincidence that this coincidence has happened,” said Jojo. “I had nothing to do with this incident that you are describing, even though I am bad, I am evil, I am Mojo Jojo.” Not enough evidence was found to make a case, and in a pro-forma assembly of the entire NRCC, Jojo was voted the new Chair, just the second monkey to be elected to that position. “There shall be no giggling in the lair of Mojo Jojo!” he exclaimed in his victory speech, indicating that he would continue to build on existing Republican principles. Jojo has stated unequivocally that he is against reform of any kind, especially campaign finance reform. Asked about Senator John McCain’s recently passed legislation, Jojo said “I make a sound of pleasure at his shortcomings. I do this because I am bad, I am evil, I am Mojo Jojo.” Jojo has said he has not ruled out turning McCain into a dog. Asked about his political future, Jojo said “The only Mojo Jojo there is room for in the world, shall be me! And being the only Mojo Jojo in the world, I will rule this world in which there is only one Mojo Jojo! Mwah ha ha ha!!” |
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