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I was recently on the hunt for a new job, and when you’re a budding lobbyist in DC, searching out new employment is always fun because of the options available to you. For example, in the course of a week I was asked to interview with, among others, the Coalition Against Bigger Trucks (now there’s something to get passionate about), the Organization for the Promotion and Advancement of Small Telecommunications Companies (Interesting that I wanted to work for organizations that aim to keep things smaller – that’s got to be Freudian) and an organization which was described to me, rather cryptically, as “a ballistic missile defense program in the Pentagon.” (Funny story about that one -- I recieved an email about the position, which I thought sounded scary and dangerous and probably run by right-wing lunatics. I wanted my wife to see it, so I wrote a short note explaining how scary and dangerous and right-wing I thought it was, but hit "reply" instead of "forward" so the email, with my added comments, went back to whatever scary, dangerous, right-wing freak sent it in the first place. Let it never be said I don't stand up to big government, albiet accidentally).

None of these panned out, but if, like me, you’re searching for a change of scenery, I recommend the following organizations, all of which do lobbying work here in DC:

Advanced Glassfiber Yarns – We all know that Bush won the recent election because of the strong yarn lobby, backed with the solid support of the housecats of America.

Air Namibia – Have you noticed how hard it is to get a flight to Namibia these days?

Alliance of Nonprofit Mailers – You wouldn’t think an organization like this would need a lobby considering nonprofit mail is how a lot of Members of Congress get your attention. I’m not sure I’d be able to hold my head too high if I said I concentrated all my efforts towards the betterment of junk mail.

American Alliance for Health, Physical Education, Recreation and Dance – You want to know who to blame for having to square dance in 4th grade gym class, here’s your answer. I’m guessing their definition of “recreation” conflicts with mine.

American Academy of Otolaryngic Allergy – “Otolaryingic” refers to your head and neck, leading one to wonder where else one could possibly get allergies. I guess they lobby in support of less ragweed. If that doesn’t whet your medical whistle, there are also American Associations of Physicians Assistants, Liver Diseases, Cardiovascular and Pulmonary Rehabilitation, Clinical Endocrinologists, Clinical Urologists, Osteopathic Medicine, Podiatric Medicine, and Geriatric Psychiatry. While there isn’t an association for cosmetology, there is an American Association of Cosmetology Schools. I fully support their lobbying efforts, since judging by all the ugly people there clearly aren’t enough cosmetologists in the world.

American Association of Physics Teachers – Their statement of purpose says that their goal is “the dissemination of the knowledge of physics, particularly by way of teaching.” How else would such knowledge be disseminated? By osmosis? This just reinforces my belief that people who are good at things like physics have no other skills whatsoever.

American Cast Iron Pipe Company – I remember being a little kid in little league and bragging to my friends about how one day I’d be a lobbyist for the American Cast Iron Pipe Company. Little did I realize how exclusive this club is. I may one day have to settle on the Cast Iron Pipefittings Committee, Cast Iron Soil Pipe Institute and the Ductile Iron Pipe Research Association. No matter how you slice it, I’m definitely going to join the International Brotherhood of Boilermakers, Iron Shipbuilders, Blacksmiths, Forgers and Helpers. Hopefully as a boilermaker, but most likely as a helper.

Canadian Turkey Marketing Agency – Their violent clashes with the Purdue lobbyists are famous in DC. (Get it? Purdue? Boilermakers? HAHA!) These folks are working hand-in-hand with the New Zealand Kiwifruit Marketing Board to completely permeate the American poultry and funky fruit market. I'm more concerned about American produce myself, which is why I fired off a resume to Asparagus USA, the leader of the vast asapargus lobby.

Pelican Butte Corporation (Speaking of poultry) -- I just thought this name was funny. They probably have the same lobbying team as the Butt Grocery Company.

Playboy Enterprises, Inc. – Funny that I didn’t get a call from these folks after I sent them my resume. I mean, how many people could want to lobby for a place like that?

National Parking Association – They’re on 16th Street, so ironically their own parking must really suck. The International Parking Institute, however, was smart enough to put their office in Fredricksburg, Virginia, where there’s nothing but parking. The IPI's website says "Since you're here, there's a good chance you have an interest in parking." Well who doesn't!?

If, rub-a-dub, you should find yourself in a tub with three other men, it’s safe bet one of them lobbies for either the National Association of Catering Butchers, the Independent Bakers Association, or the National Candle Association, and that they belong to the International Gay and Lesbian Football Association. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

1999 Women’s World Cup – They’re still listed in the Washington Representatives handbook, so there must be some high priority unfinished business. I wonder if after a successful meeting they take off their shirts.

The Institute for Polyacrylate Absorbants, Inc. – They describe themselves as “a trade association for producers or polyacrylate absorbants.” Who’d have thunk it? I’m sure their job is to clean up after the Institute of Makers of Explosives. There’s really no gray area in a company name like that, is there?

Bottom line, from Acordis Celluslosic Fibers, Inc. to Zirconia Sales America, there’s a lot to lobby for in DC, and plenty of Senators and Congressman with nothing better to do than hear about them all. After all, we can’t let the Canadian turkeys take over.