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| HOW TO AVOID PADDINGTON BEAR |
| The Browns took Paddington Bear into their life. Little did they know how that mistake would cost them. |
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| Last known photo of Paddington, believed to be in Aruba. It is clear he feels no remorse for his actions. |
| “How could we have known?” asks a distraught Mrs. Brown to this day. “He just seemed so innocent.” The fact is no one could have known. A seemingly innocent, smiling bear seated on a suitcase in Paddington Station in London with a sign on his neck reading “PLEASE LOOK AFTER THIS BEAR,” doesn’t inspire suspicion. So Mr. & Mrs. Brown certainly could not have foreseen the havoc that young Paddington Bear would wreak on their small suburb of Windsor Gardens. It was a whirlwind of rage and terror that would leave a housekeeper jilted at the altar, and a local antique dealer ruined and imprisoned. Worse of all, it would leave Mr. Brown and his two children dead. * Scotland Yard Commissioner Sir John Stevens was still a low ranking detective when he got the call. “I’d never heard such a story,” says Stevens. “To this day it chills me more than anything I’ve experienced, and I’ve seen the Queen naked.” It wasn’t the first time Stevens had seen Paddington Bear’s picture. “We knew that a great many Peruvian terrorists were entering England, disguised as bears. When Mr. & Mrs. Brown found him, his suitcase still had stickers from the Lima port on it. They should have been suspicious immediately. But we English are a rather daft lot, so they thought nothing of it.” It is now suspected that the one Mr. & Mrs. Brown took to calling “Paddington” was in fact Desmondo José Luís, a high-ranking member of the Tupac Amaru Revolutionary Movement. Luís is known or suspected to have killed 15 men in Peru, and wished to flee the country to avoid government retribution for his actions. He left the port of Lima in a creaky lifeboat, subsisting only on seawater, and soon found his way to sunny shores of London. The Brown family immediately took to Luís, and he won the affections of their lonely housekeeper, Mrs. Bird. A sufferer of chronic rheumatism, Mrs. Bird enjoyed Luís’ quiet, polite nature. The two began a hot, secret love affair and spent all their alone hours in the throes of passion. She began to indulge in the contents of a small bottle Luís carried with him; the bottle was marked “orange marmalade” but it is now known to have been a mixture of liquid morphine and partially melted heroin. At no time did Luís reveal his true identity, and she never suspected him of being anything other than a cuddly little bear. Luís, who by then had secured documents legally changing his name to Paddington, began seeking out accomplices to begin a thieving spree, with the intention of sending the funds back to Peru to fund his rebel compatriots. A local antiquities dealer named Mr. Gruber, a Peruvian sympathizer and known homosexual, fell in love with Paddington and became his henchman. It is suspected he assisted Paddington in over forty robberies in which they netted over 200,000 pounds. They also ran a very lucrative black market buns and cocoa operation, effectively avoiding the high British import tariffs. Meanwhile, back at the Brown household, young Jonathan and Judy Brown were falling under the spell of the strange bear. Paddington began using them as accomplices for small scams he was undertaking. Jonathan became a ruthless bookmaker, noted for snapping his clients’ legs like twigs if they were unable to pay. Judy Brown ran the Windsor Gardens Spa, a brothel that was frequented by such high-profile celebrities as Falco, Joe Robinson and Prince Charles. The string finally broke on a dark autumn afternoon. Jonathan, Judy, Mr. Gruber, and Paddington collaborated on one of the most daring train robberies in British history, stealing 70,000 pounds and 12 cases of Tanquery dry gin. What exactly went wrong is still unknown, but the aftermath is horrific indeed. Paddington had promised Mrs. Bird they would be wed the day of the robbery to insure that she would be out of the house should anything go wrong. She waited for hours at the Office of the Magistrate, and when Paddington didn’t arrive, her rheumatism took a turn for the worse. She now resides in a convalescent home just outside of Bath. Paddington talked Mr. Gruber, who still believed he would have a relationship with the bear, into giving up his share of the robbery money. Paddington fled the country, leaving Mr. Gruber alone and destroyed, his good name ripped to shreds by the press and his antique shop bankrupt.Mr. Gruber dated a former member of the U.S. Government, Smokey T. Bear, before turning State’s Witness, and is currently in Brazil under the British Witness Protection Programme. Jonathan and Judy did not fare so lucky. They were found facedown in a Wiltshire cornfield, right beside their father. Mr. Brown’s involvement in the robbery remains unknown. Paddington Bear remains an international fugitive. He stands two feet tall, and is usually wearing a hat and duffle coat. He carries a suitcase that authorities believe contains a secret compartment containing secret papers and scores of evidence against him. He is a severe heroin and morphine addict, and always carries a supply in a small glass jar marked “Marmalade.” If you see any bear matching this description, immediately contact your local police or veteranarian. |
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