| When 3,000 nuns were found butchered just outside of Arapahoe, North Carolina two years ago, investigators didn’t have to dig deep to find the culprit, or for that matter any of the hundreds of disembodied hands and toes. “We knew it was parachute pants,” says lead investigator Edolphus Towns. “Only one thing can rip a lung out and smear it on rocks like that.” Parachute pants have been mutilating innocent clergy and others for thousands of years. The philosopher Plato details the horrors of parachute pants in many of his works. In a line from Anabasis, Plato writes: “The generals, then, after being thus seized, were taken to the King and put to death by parachute pants, which severed their legs below the knee allowing them their blood to trickle slowly so they writhed in pain for weeks” (Anabasis, VI 2.6.1). It is common knowledge that Jesus was forced to wear parachute pants while entering Golgotha for his own crucifixion. The late-80’s trend of wearing parachute pants cost millions of lives and left thousands of others crippled and/or brain damaged. “People saw MC Hammer and other such people on TV,” says fashion guru and recently sainted goddess Joan Rivers. “They wanted to look just like them, but people don’t realize he wasn’t dancing, he was writhing in unimaginable pain.” In fact MC Hammer, who was also known as Steve Perry while he fronted the 70’s rock group Journey, died last year when his prosthetic legs slipped on a sewer grate and he was hit by a riding mower. The fact that his grandmother died the same way made his passing especially painful. “It all came from parachute pants,” said his mother, actress Talia Shire. “If it wasn’t for those damn pants my boy would still be singing such hits as ‘U Can’t Touch This’ and ‘Here Comes the Hammer.’” In our ongoing effort to bring our readership the most up to date information, we contacted The Queen's University Coastal Engineering Research Laboratory for their recommendation. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about,” said Dr. J.W. Kamphuis, the resident expert on sediment transport, physical and numerical modeling, and water quality. “Do you even know what we do here? What the hell are parachute pants?” In our exhaustive study, we found that such ignorance pervaded most so-called “knowledgeable organizations.” such as the National Academy of Sciences Board on Physics and Astronomy, the Kentucky Association of Physics Teachers and the Egyptian Society of Crystallography and Applications. All claimed to know nothing about the dangers inherent in parachute pants. “That’s not really surprising,” said Congressman Wes Watkins (R – OK). “People -- specifically dirty, scum-sucking physical scientists and coastal engineers -- would rather play with their newfangled crappity crap than look at the real issues. Something needs to be done about parachute pants, and I’m sick of the Democrats dragging their feet on it.” So what can you do, as a concerned citizen? Outside of staying away from stores such as Chess King and Bugle Boy Outlet, very little. Law enforcement organizations, such as the FBI and the Secret Service did not return our calls, but Gordon I. Segal, Chief Executive Officer of Crate & Barrel, said “I’d buy a new coffee table, and maybe some flatware.” In fact our extensive research has confirmed any of the fine products sold by Crate and Barrel can easily be used to fight off the greatest plague of the 21st century, parachute pants. |
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| HOW TO AVOID PARACHUTE PANTS |
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| Steve Perry, 1963-2000 Keep The Dream Alive |
| For more information, or to (God forbid) buy parachute pants, go to parachute-pants.com. Parachute pants should be boiled for 10 minutes before consumption. Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate your parachute pants. Parachute pants should only be tailored by Vietnamese nuns. If your parachute pants catch fire, put the fire out. |