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| THE PAST 18 MONTHS IN PICTURES |
| I've started eating Ex-Lax like trail mix, so I expect to be more regular in the future. Meantime, please wait for these pictures to load. Note to parents: in a sure sign of the decline of our society, there is more partial nudity on this one page of pictures than in all other previous pages combined. It's astounding what passes for news photography these days. |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes Governor of California using shady subliminal techniques. "You vomen love me," said Arnold, "as do all people of KahleeFORnya." |
| In addition to the rest of the house, my wife and I are forced to child-proof the pets. You don't want your boy to crawl up there and jump off. |
| Proving that he doesn't just limit his philandering to the living, Governor Schwarzenegger molests a recently mummified woman. "Her boobs felt like sandpaper," said Arnold.. |
| Fat Albert goes public following his recent sex change. "I've always felt like a Bertha trapped in an Albert's body," said Albert. "Hey hey hey!" |
| A Nebraska meatpacking plant uses bold new cloning techniques to get extra meat from its cows. "We were trying for wings," said a spokesman. "But this works." |
| In other cloning news, local scientist Gargamel was eaten by his own creation, which he called a "giant smurf." The creature, who answered to the name of Jokey, then presented villagers with a large gift box which detonated when opened, killing hundreds. |
| Aspiring chef Kazuri Moshi's internship at Benihana comes to an abrupt and painful end. |
| Hey lady, your headlights are on! (Good thing she's got the hat on -otherwise she'd just look silly.) |
| Like all sports fans, I watch women's volleyball for the power, finesse, grace and beauty of the sport. |
| In a steroid-induced haze, Terry "Hulk" Hogan beats the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' mascot to death. "I thought he was Andre the Giant," said Hogan. "That's what happens when Hulkamania runs wild. Hulkamania and steroids, that is." |
| The United States: Always eager to help the impoverished young people of the countries we illegally invade. |
| Following successful surgery to remove him from the Siamese twin to whom he was joined at the shoulder, Dick Cheney renews his vow to fight the Dalai Lama. "I'll settle his hash," said Cheney. "Damn buddhists." The Dalai Lama retorted by saying, "He was better off fused to that other guy - he needed the extra heart." |
| TROUBLE IN PARADISE, MR. PRESIDENT? |
| The President and First Lady agree to start "seeing other people." George broke off the relationship by having National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice pass Laura a note during study hall. "I like you," said the note, "But I don't 'like you like you.'" Laura immediately began seeing French President Jacque Chirac. "The French are just like Texans," she said. "Conceited, smelly, and not too keen on the rest of America." |
| "Let's see, good campaign slogan...uh...'He kept us out of war?'...no...'Return to normalcy?' Lord no...'In your heart you know he's right?' That could be it....'Leave no child behind?' Oh wait, I used that one already...'America needs a change'...yeah, that's it!" |
| "I know there's a war on and American troops are getting picked off daily, but hey, a man's gotta play golf, right? Sure beats workin'!" |