| PITCHERS AND STUFF |
| "O that he were here to write me down an ass! But, masters, remember that I am an ass; though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass." - Shakespeare Much Ado About Nothing |
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| DOESN'T NEED A FAKE CAPTION, PART 1: Former stripper Cindy Lee is running for President of France. If elected, Lee would seek to provide sex parlors in prisons , legalize prostitution and declare a national "Love" Day. And you thought Clinton was fun. |
| DOESN'T NEED A FAKE CAPTION, PART 2: Thanyaporn Thanyasira is kissed by first runner up Panrung Jurawattankul and second runner up Warinthorn Worattanasirikul in the Ms. Tiffany pageant in Thailand. Easily the most popular pageant in the country, it's open only to transexuals and transvestites. |
| Israeli soldiers note a conspicuous lack of urinals in Yasser Arafat's compound. |
| FTD, Inc. does away with the "HippoGram," citing a lack of interest, and high incidence of trampling. |
| A study of the toxicity levels in Potomac River wildlife reveal skin discoloration, reduced spawning levels, and loss of appetite. "Other than that," says the study, "they appear healthy." |
| Hidden camera images reveal what I've known all along about SuperCuts hairdressers. |
| North Rhine-Westphalia Premier Wolfgang Clement pleas with the IOC to bring the 2012 Summer Olypmics to his country. "I know our country is only 800 square feet," said Clement, "But we just spent our budget for the next ten years on a pool." |
| Despite his enthusiasm, Lt. Jimmy Marks is about to find out his fiancee Lisa has left him for a Saab mechanic named Reggie. |
| Defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld explains how he "fell down" in front of actress Penelope Cruz and tried to break his fall... |
| ...Cruz describes how she was able to protect herself... |
| ...and Rumsfeld gives his opinion of the experience as a whole. |
| Tired of being accused of not taking a position on the Middle East situation, Secretary of State Colin Powell declares that Yasser Arafat and Ariel Sharon will thumbwrestle for control of the area. "I'm thinking best two out of three," said Powell. |
| John Walker Lindh takes advantage of a weekend furlough program to visit some of Washington, DC's finer S&M clubs. |
| Celine Dion is forced to listen to her latest album. "I sound like a hoser," said Dion, "I'm friggin' retiring again, eh?" |
| I return from Passover celebrations in Florida tanned and well-fed. |
| The Lego corporation discontinues it's historical series after recieving customer complaints. "I guess people don't want their kids building concentration camps," said a spokesperson. |
| Noting that they tend to have a higher mortality rate than other professions, Palestinian suicide bombers unionize and join Pipefitters and Bricklayers Union Local 201. "We've got a dental plan now," said a spokesperson. |
| PICTURES OF LAST WEEK, AND A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO, AND SOME OF LAST YEAR: 3/27 1/31 12/8/01 11/29/01 BACK TO DA FROO |