| Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, once thought to be a disease inherent only to porn stars, is rapidly burning its way across the country, like some sort of terrible plague. Over two thousand porn stars have died in the past three years at the hands of this silent killer, characterized by violent coughing, persistent vomiting, and unstoppable, severe bowel movements. But with all recent major sporting events being held in caves or deep holes, the malady once referred to as “bleeding face syndrome” has become more prominent. In the late 1970’s, the thriving pornography industry moved from it’s scenic Valencia, California home to a scattered collection of abandoned coal mines in North Dakota. Production costs were less, and the young porn starlets had their pick from the ever-growing North Dakota stiletto heel industry. But in the 80’s, top notch stars like John Holmes, Shauna Grant, and Savannah were found nailed to general stores. While no perpetrator has ever been apprehended in these bizarre cases, autopsies revealed that all three were in advanced stages of pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, and would have only lived a few weeks anyway. “It’s pretty amazing,” said Dr. Victor Von Doom. “They’d have had a much longer, more painful death if they weren’t nailed to buildings and had their ears removed. We can only hope that happened after they were nailed up. Although either thing couldn’t have been pleasant.” When word of the deaths got out, the Generation X crowd suddenly discovered the wonders of coal mines. Dank, dark and silent, a person could spend weeks in a coal mine, worried about nothing except enormous rats and the inhalation of lethal silicon dust. Many young people died within weeks, thereby making the coal mines even more popular. Hollywood documented the astonishing trend in the multiple-Oscar winning film Matewan, in which legendary actor Josh Mostel played a law-breaking youth who defies his parents by marrying a 65 year-old Swedish male prostitute and living in a Tennessee silver mine. Madison Avenue jumped on the trend in the early 90’s, moving Super Bowl XXXI to an abandoned West Virginia mine. 189,000,000 tuned in to watch the Packers beat the Patriots, while 90,000 more stuffed themselves into an 11,000 square foot mineshaft to watch the game. 30,000 fans were crushed or trampled, 16,000 more died of tetanus or rabies as a result of rodent attacks, and 10,000 died of severe infections of pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, including game MVP Desmond Howard, who‘s game-breaking 99-yard kick return was overshadowed by the complete evaporation of all his internal organs. Scientists still do not know the cause of pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but most believe it caused by “angry blood” and is most likely spread by small wood sprites that live in dark, dry areas. No cure for the disease is known, but scientists at Johns Hopkins University recommend a mixture of newt eyes, salamander tongues, and graveyard dirt boiled in a small cauldron at midnight during a full moon. The disease is extremely contagious, and as such doctors say that if you know or suspect anyone of having the disease you should nail them to a general store. For more information, consult your local clergy. |
| HOW TO AVOID PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS |
| Proud makers of medicines and health care products that have never caused a single proven fatality. Unlike those other guys that make the baby shampoo that blinds small children. |
| This report brought to you by |
| VISIT "WHO GOT THE FROO FROO" YOU'LL BE GOD DAMN GLAD YOU DID. |
 |