ugly

A few weeks back we held a contest in which any average Joe could win a full-fledged US Congressman just by signing my guestbook. We chose Bernard Sanders, the lone Congressman from Vermont, because he is one of two independent Congressmen; that way both Democrats and Republicans could be happy if they won. The response was interesting: most people didn’t care that Congressman Sanders was independent; they didn’t want him because he is, as one mailer put it, “hideously unattractive.”

This brought up an interesting theory in my mind – since most people I talk to have no idea who their Congressman is, are they aware of how unattractive the House has gotten recently? With a few exceptions, Senators are almost all attractive people (you could argue that a few are nerdy; i.e. Mike DeWine and Kent Conrad, but only in a cute Bill Gates sort of way). This is largely because they’re given infinitely more exposure. People see them all the time, especially during election season, so they have to look good. Congressmen often run unopposed (Congressman Sanders hasn’t had opposition since his first term in 1991), so campaign ads aren’t necessary. We just keep electing unattractive people. In an effort to make the public more aware of this problem, I am presenting some of the biggest offenses to grace the House.

I know how arbitrary and Joan Rivers-esque this is, but the fact is I’m running short of ideas and I thought this would be funny. You may disagree with me and think Roscoe Bartlett is the Brad Pitt of the modern political system, and you’re entitled to that opinion even though it’s wrong. The bottom line is this: we live in the greatest country in the world…where we are free to choose our leaders based on something as shallow as looks. Let’s keep America beautiful.

Gary Ackerman – You could argue that anyone who represents the district that houses the Mets is going to be unattractive no matter what. Gary's got that Earnest Borgnine thing down to a science.

Dick Armey – It’s not just his politics that make Armey, shown here with his lovely wife Susan, an unattractive man. I guess all guys from Texas look like Lyle Lovett.

David Baldacci – Hockey fans will notice Baldacci’s eerie similarity to Darren Pang. Sesame Street fans will notice his eerie similarity to Ernie.

Roscoe G. Bartlett – Looks a bit like Rosco P. Coltrane (who was a Georgia state Representative, actually). There comes a time when you've just got to let the hair go.

Eliot Engel – Another New Yorker, Eliot has that Frank Oz meets Sonny Bono thing going on. Time to update those glasses, my man.

Bob Filner – He’s a heck of a Congressman, but he looks like Satan or the guy in college who would chug whatever you asked him to.

J. Dennis Hastert – The Speaker of the House, shown here in “Stone Cold Fresh” mode, is obviously trying to imitate Gingrich in every way possible.

Stephen Horn – Winner of the Bob Dole-if-he-were-an-undertaker look-alike contest.

John Olver – My hometown Congressman. If you squint your eyes, he looks like a bad digital copy of Peter Fonda. Ulee's Gold boring Peter Fonda, not Easy Rider cool guy Peter Fonda. I think the black-rimmed glasses make him look like less of a Golem, don't you?

Charles Rangel – Yet another great Congressman who unfortunately chooses to look like a Columbian drug lord.

James Traficant – See Charles Rangel. You get the feeling these guys just intimidate their way into office. If you can't read it, his stick says "Bashin' Away in DC," his obvious support of the D.C.P.D. I wouldn't invite a guy who looks like this into my living room, much less my house of Government, but that's Ohio for you.

I know this is only 11 members out of the 400+ that work hard to make our government great. But I watch C-Span for the same reason people watch the Oscars -- for the outfits -- and I can tell you that Congress needs a makeover. After all, if you can't look good for your country, who can you look good for?

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