The mutant platypus epidemic has been largely overlooked in recent years due to the influx of “fluff” stories such bovine spongiform encephalopathy, aka Mad Cow Disease, and the retirement of boxing legend Roberto Duran. Regardless, the epidemic of mutant platypuses hatching from eggs mistakenly used as urinal cakes has overtaken and paralyzed the country. National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice calls the platypus outbreak “worse than any of the ten plagues of Egypt, except maybe boils and death of the first-born.”
Mutant bands of platypuses began forming loose factions in and around the Detroit area in 1969, but went largely unnoticed due to the relative ugliness of most citizens of Michigan. The mutant platypuses tried in vain to break out of their grungy life in the city colorfully nicknamed “Don’t Come Here Ever,” but were constantly foiled by alert law enforcement officials, who broke their legs. One platypus was able to make it as far as Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, (colorfully nicknamed “We’ll Destroy Ourselves, Eventually”) which also boasts and exceedingly large population of horribly ugly people. Hired by a so-called “baseball franchise,” this platypus discovered that small, perfumed discs use to deodorize urinals in men’s bathrooms looked and smelled exactly like mutant platypus eggs. (It is important to note that Detroit makes no efforts to deodorize any portions of the city, especially the rest rooms. This is why every neighborhood smells like it’s had bleu cheese thawing on the counter since the Harding administration.) The Detroit platypuses gave up their lucrative shoe shining business and began manufacturing urinal cakes. Shipments of the cakes would contain up to two-dozen mutant platypus eggs, which would then be dropped in urinals all over the country and various parts of Canada.
The first incidences of platypus attacks occurred in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. Colorfully nicknamed “Who Cares,” the Canadian capitol is renowned for the health and well being of its fourteen citizens. However, with the arrival of the disguised platypus eggs, residents began complaining of itching, nausea, and disemboweling by massive platypus claws. The epidemic reached titanic proportions when Senator Douglas James Roche was attacked by what papers described as a “big ole’ furry clawed thing, eh?” (We would have liked to provide you with hyperlinks to various bodies of the Canadian Parliment, but their websites were all down. Canadian customer service tells us that the sites were "muched on by gophers" and should be back up by 2011.)
In 1972, a crack commando unit of platypuses was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These platypuses promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune, and run a small but profitable bowling alley.
How can you, the viewer at home, avoid platypus eggs? Women will be pleased to learn that all platypuses are fiercely homosexual and will shy away from them. Men can avoid platypus attack by staying as far as possible from urinal cakes. We recommend urinating in corners, on the sides of buildings, or in trough-type receptacles such as those found at Fenway Park. If attacked by a platypus, panic. Remember the old Cub Scout adage: “When in danger, when in doubt, run in circle, scream and shout.” Platypuses can see right through false confidence. Since it’s likely they’ll rip out your spleen and eat it in front of you anyway, it’s better to die whimpering like a little girl than trying to be a hero.
For more on platypus attacks, visit Australia, specifically the Rawlinna/Eucla Motel area near the Great Australian Bight. There you’ll find the Platypus Museum and Visitor’s Center, the International Platypus Federation headquarters, the Society for the Betterment of Platypus Rights, and Urinal Cake City, a very popular department store that sells over 6,000 varieties of urinal cake, all guaranteed to be platypus free. |
