Many weddings suffer from a seemingly insoluble problem. Nobody wants to hurt Aunt Miriam by starting before she arrives, so hundreds of other guests are hurt instead.

Aunt Miriam knows that she does not have to come on time. Every wedding invitation seems to indicate a fictitious time. Certain honored guests are told when the wedding will "really" begin - and that time is also usually fictitious.

That's not fair. Your guests have come to honor you on your wedding day, but they should not have to waste their time waiting for the chuppa to start.

True, not everybody wastes their time. You are likely to see an occasional person sitting in a corner studying from a sefer. This is to be commended, of course. Others "work" the crowd in order to make new business contacts. Out of necessity or boredom, some people find a partner with whom to make small talk.

A larger percentage of the guests just walk around, feeling bored, or noshing from the smorgasbord. They become increasingly frustrated, since there is no way of knowing how long they will have to wait. Every wedding is different. Guests may have to wait several hours until the bride arrives after spending time with the make-up studio and the photographer.

This situation contrasts with the rare wedding in which the couple decides to prove a point. They start on time, no matter how few people are there. The guests who arrive late discover that they have missed the chuppah.

Others tease their guests by announcing that the wedding will be before shkiya (sunset). This method usually works, but it borders on cruelty when guests discover that - despite the announcement about shkiya - the wedding does start late.

Can anything be done?

Yes, it can, but it requires a concerted effort of people who will follow this recommendation:

Somebody in a community can begin a trend:

• Send out your invitations, stipulating the real time that it will begin, and indicate, "the wedding will begin promptly"
• Have some friends phone every invitee
  • Tell them that you don't want to waste anybody's time
  • Explain that the wedding indicates the real time
  • Give your guarantee, bli neder, that chuppa will begin as indicated
  • Ask people to come before the chuppa for the smorgasbord
  • Explain that you will not wait for anybody
• Start your wedding on time!

That phone call will assure you that the guests know when the wedding will start.

Of course, some people will test you. They may even demonstrate their disappointment or anger when you really do start on time.

This is the wrong time for you to be defensive or to have a guilt trip. Some people will be upset about the time that any wedding starts. You can either upset those who are testing your or those who acted properly.

The choice seems quite obvious.