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Children who are not yet mature frequently have difficulty distinguishing between maturity and independence.

They may feel that a desire to do things their own way without consulting, talking, or relating to their parents means that they are mature.

To a certain degree it is their way of achieving maturity. They are no longer controlled by their parents as they see it and that means that they are doing things their own way and they are responsible for their own actions that they may move out of the house or if they remain at home they may rebel if they are told about things or if things are even discussed with them.

This level of maturity is a stage that teenagers go through in order to show that they are independent beings.

However, when they grow older they should drop this false maturity and go on to a higher level of maturity, real maturity in which they become part of society and they learn to inter-relate with others. This does not mean that they have to give up any of their own personal security, concepts, desires, or outlook on the world. It does not mean that they have to be subservient to anybody and it does not mean that they can or cannot do things their own way. It just means that they make their own mark in the world.

Very often mature people make their own mark in the world with the assistance and encouragement of others. Indeed, the more successful the person is the more that a person learns to work with others including his own family and peers.

However, they are likely to have to go through a preliminary stage of experimenting with what they don't want the parents to be involved in or rebelling against the parents in order to be able to understand how to create these higher levels of mature inter-relationships.

Thus, children's demands that parents do not get involved in their peers, their friends, their actions, their activity, and their goals, and their lifestyles are all merely their own immature way of trying to be independent. They see independence as being separate, apart, and usualy different from their parents. Independence relates only to the parents or to those with whom they are close. It means that they are no longer merely a part of the family unit but they are individuals in their own right, with their own way of doing things.

This is a legitimate initial stage. As children grow up they move away and immature they should move away from this attempt to have an artificial form of maturity and replace it with a higher level of full interdependence - even with their own family.

Unfortunately, some children never develop from the artificial independence to the higher level interdependence.

As a matter of fact, some countries have the same problem.

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Maturity is very different from independence. Some people cannot tell the difference and when they want to demonstrate their maturity they show that they don't have to listen to anybody, they don't have to rely on anybody. They can do things their own way and they can make all of their own decisions.

The problem is that after some time they usually fall into some sort of a trap and they actually sacrifice their independence as a result.

This also can be a learning experience, if the person is willing to learn, and after sacrificing their independence they might learn that they can be truly independent by consulting with other people, by listening to other people, by not trying to show off how independent they are. Because showing off is also not a way of being independent.

Some people really are independent. They have all the benefits of independence but they don't realize this. They don't recognize their independence and they don't realize what can happen if it is removed.

When their independence is indeed removed then perhaps they can look back at the good old days when they really were more independent and they can learn their lesson.

Consulting with someone who can help in advance of a problem does not remove the independence and it is not a negative thing. To the contrary it can help you open your eyes to the steps that are needed in order to maintain and continue your independence instead of destroying it or losing it.

Once that independence is lost, it could be regained, but with great difficulty and it is possible that it will never be the same as the situation before you lost your independence.

When it's already too late, when you've lost your independence by doing things that are immature, by trying to show that you can be independent and then by making serious mistakes, then you have to deal with other factors.

These factors include your pride, they also include the new support group that you have developed by showing off how independent you supposedly are and you're not going to want to disappoint your new support group.

This new support group is very important indeed and it's very difficult to break away from a peer group that has a great deal of influence on you, especially after you've shown that you trust them and that you have faith in them. It means changing your way of acting and you are afraid possibly justifiably afraid that you are going to disappoint them and you can no longer do this.

Even if you want to break away from this new support group you may feel that you are stuck.

It does indeed mean that there have to be important decisions - your old way of life which you now may see to be the right way or the better way and your new life with your new support group. However, you now feel that you have to make an important decision. Either the old way of life or the new support group but that you cannot have both and there is some justification to this concern.

You may also fear the vindictiveness of your erstwhile friends after they feel that you have abandoned them. You are afraid that they will now feel that you were never worthy of trust in the first place and that they are going to react accordingly.

Again, there is justification for this concern and this fear. All of these are reasons why you are likely to feel that once you have made a decision to be independent under the guise of wanting to be independent that you may not be able to return to the old path and this is unfortunate.

In other words, you feel that by a momentary or even a planned act of foolishness you have caused irreparable damage and that you must adopt the new way of life whether you approve of it or whether you like it or not.

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Perhaps the single most important thing that a parent has to keep in mind, the parents' vision, should be to raise the children to be independent.

When you think about it, it includes just about all of the other things that you want. You wanted your child to have certain traits. You wanted your child to learn certain things from you. You wanted to pass on certain skills, abilities and knowledge. All of these things are part of becoming independent. That means that you have already passed on whatever you will pass on and the child is now going to continue with these traits or abilities, at least to the degree to which you were able to pass them on to the child.

Please note that there is a major difference between independence and rebellion or leaving. A child can be independent in thought, actions, and dwelling but still remain very close to the parents. Another child could be physically living in the house of the parents and be independent. And a third child could be quite dependent but be living away from the parents and rebelling. Each of these are separate independent and distinct concepts. They are not to be confused.