When there is a chance

Sometimes a change in behavior raises eyebrows. It is time to look for a cause when a person changes after having a history of being good, well adjusted into society, and of doing things in socially acceptable ways.

People rarely decide by themselves to change for the worse. A person is not likely to say, "Hey you know, I'm sick and tired of being so good. I think I'll try to be bad. I haven't done that yet, and I want to see what that experience would feel like."

But a surprisingly large number of people change because others have caused them to change.

A person befriends or attacks someone who is otherwise capable and who is functioning well, and he influences the way that person acts. The reasons may range from hatred to jealousy or anger.

A good counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist will try to find the cause for the change. At that point, the rest of the care and counseling may fall into place. On the other hand, without finding the cause, there may be no serious counseling.

There could be a combination of causes. For example, a person's health might affect the way in which they act. A change in a person's health might cause a change in their behavior or in their approach towards life.

A pernicious jealousy factor could cause the person to perceive another person who is functioning well in society in a negative manner, and thus to cause him grief.

This might seem strange. Anybody looking at the situation objectively would ask why the normal person does not reject the attacks. Why doesn't he tell the other person to leave them alone? Why does he accept the person's evil persuasion?

However, persuasive or charismatic people are able to convince others. They find people who are susceptible or gullible, and who accept their tactics. Those unfortunate people then develop feelings of jealousy, anger, or hatred. Their personality and their life has changed for the worse.

Do intermediaries ever change people for the better?

Yes, but it's rare. In cases such as kiruv, for example, people can help others go in the right path.

However, it is more common to find good people who are attracted to cults or missionaries. Their personalities have changed for the worse.

Who is in control of your client?

Is a third party lurking behind your client? Are you speaking to the right person? Is your audience in control of his own situation and of his own fate, or is somebody else in control of him?

Obviously, as a counselor, you want to speak to the client directly. You want to know what is on his mind, and you want to determine ways to help him.

However, that client may be controlled by another party. That third party – and not you – may ultimately determine what will happen with your client.

This is important. If your client is controlled by somebody else, then – in effect – you are not really speaking to him. In his mind, the client always channels your questions to the one who controls him. He then responds in ways that he believes would satisfy the intermediary, rather than revealing what is on his own mind.

You, as a counselor, never know what to believe in such cases.

• Some statements will come from the client's brain or heart
• Other statements may be "forwarded" from the person who controls your client

You may not be able to distinguish between those two sources. As a result, you may never know whether the information you receive is correct.

The upshot

When the controlling person is the cause of some of your client's problems, then your counseling or recommendations is falling on the wrong ears. The client is wasting his time and money when he attends your sessions.

Thus, before or during a successful counseling session, it is necessary to determine whether the client is capable of speaking his own mind freely and independently. You, as the counselor, must be satisfied that the client can state his own beliefs and feelings, rather than being directed and controlled by others.

Safer influences

Some people are guided by an influential Rabbi or confidant. A parent or a friend may also have a positive impact on the person. In general, these people want to help.

When you know that others are involved, it is wise to determine whether they have a positive impact on your client, whether they have his best interests at heart, whether their influence is fair, and whether your client has the option or ability of saying no to any of these people.

If so, then your client has a good third party influence.

If not, then you will have to create a situation in which there is a single voice that guides your client. If that single voice cannot be yours, then you may want to consider dropping this client.