As a counselor

Your client may not be ready or prepared to work towards a solution when you begin your sessions. If this is the case, then it may be important to offer her an opportunity to vent her feelings. Try to listen for the issues – they will be important at a later stage.

Do not offer advice yet. Don't interrupt or correct the client. Don't make her understand things that may be wrong. She needs the opportunity to speak while you offer professional empathy. You can begin to resolve some of the issues after the client understands that you can listen, and that you care about her feelings.

This may be especially difficult for a counselor who is used to finding solutions to problems. However, some people do not want their problem to be solved. They just want to be able to vent their feelings. Others want to solve the problems, but not at the present time.

When your client is ready to begin solving problems, begin with issues that involve relatively simple changes in her behavior. Issues that involve other people should be reserved for the end.

You should be able to sort out those issues by referring to your notes from the venting sessions.

As a friend

Very often, we listen to spouses who speak about the terrible ways that their partners act. We may be sympathetic, assuming that we are doing some limited good by allowing them to vent.

This is not necessarily the case. We may be doing more harm than good.

The complainer may well be at least partly to blame. When we listen without asking difficult questions or without implying some rebuke, we are likely to give the complainer the wrong message. He or she will feel that we agree with the position that is presented, since silence is acquiescence (shtika kehoda'a dami).

These venting sessions almost inevitably release and reveal information that would be embarrassing to the other party. That other party is not likely to be present to defend himself, so only one side is presented - the side with the lashon hara.

That lashon hara is not likely to be Letoelet, LINK TERMS since you are listening to only one side of the picture, and you are presenting a sympathetic view. The person doing the venting is not likely to rethink her alternatives as a result of your rapt attention.

Unless both sides agree that you will arbitrate a problem fairly, using accepted and fair methods, you would do well to avoid situations in which you listen to venting.

At that time, it may be well to ask some very difficult questions.