Dealing With Crises

The degree to which we survive in life depends to a large degree on how well we manage with crises.

And everybody faces crises, every individual, every family, every group, and every organization. Everybody. Crises are a natural part of life. It is foolish to make believe that they do not exist. Thus, the people who deal with these inevitable situations will survive. Feelings of blame, recriminations, if only, I could have prevented it, it shouldn’t have been this way, or it isn’t fair impede recovery from crises. These feelings must be put behind us if we are to recover from crisis.

Our goal in life is to survive. In order to survive, we must recover from crises as quickly as possible so it can help to recover to disaster if you keep several things in mind. Tzaddik ve rah lo and it happens to everybody. Tzaddik ve rah lo. This is an ancient Jewish concept in that the righteous people suffer in this world in order to cleanse themselves of any wrongdoings so that they will merit Paradise whereas bad people enjoy this world so that they can benefit from any good that they have done in this world and then they will not merit Paradise after they die. This is of course part of the story but there is another part to consider which is that everybody has their share, everybody has their peckele, everybody has something to rejoice about and something to suffer about and that is part of the world we live in and it’s quite natural so that you should not feel that you are being picked on to suffer more than others. Of course there are some people who know how to recover from suffering better than others but nobody will be able to say that he has never suffered. It’s just not true.

The issue of why did it happen to me is the source of many recent books and here there is a more difficult question to answer because it’s not in our hands to respond to the judgment of the Almighty or of our destination, fate or the like. This is part of a vast universal plan which is obviously way beyond our comprehension especially since we are living is a part of the plan and we cannot look at ourselves from a distance. We can’t get the big picture. We can’t get the picture across time and we certainly cannot be objective so we see things from our own point of view. Perhaps we would like everything to go nicely and smoothly maybe even more than we deserve or are entitled to but this is not the issue when we see the vast eternal plan. According to Jewish tradition in the World to Come we will enter the World of Truth and at that time we will have a greater understanding of why things happened.

In the meantime it is sufficient to realize that difficult times occur to everyone in the world. As a result of that we have to live with that situation and it is not our job to dwell on why it happened but to do what is necessary in order to recover from that situation as quickly as possible. The faster you recover from any given problem the faster you will be able to get on with all of the real issues in your life. Remember that the crisis that occurred is generally something which is irreversible so that dwelling on it is not going to reverse the issue and the problem or the issue or the crisis even if you do dwell on it. So it’s a shame to waste time on dwelling on the crisis.

Do you need assistance recovering from a crisis?

Probably you do. It is usually much easier if you can share the problem with others who might be able to offer comfort or assistance or alternatives to the situation and they may be able to help you cope.

Who should help you recover?

Basically this question means do you have to go for professional assistance or is it sufficient to try to speak to friends or acquaintances.

One way to judge this is as follows: If you are reading this article that already means that you realize the need for additional assistance, so you should go to a more professional level than the one that you have used up until now. Granted you can start with friends, relatives, or others who might be able to lend an ear. If it is a problem which can be handled by them, fine. The more deeply rooted or intense the crisis is, the less you may be able to deal with these people. The next stage up might be a confidant who might be able to help you and he might be able to help you deal with the crises in which case you can stop at that level. Otherwise you can go up still higher to the professional level, Perhaps a rabbi or a psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker or psychotherapist. These people are trained to various degrees and at various levels for helping people who have suffered crises and they may be able to help.

Keep in mind that there is no guarantee that any particular individual or service or level is suitable for any individual and that a great deal of the recovery depends upon your own willingness, desire, and personal motivation to recover from the crisis.

That means that you cannot go to any of these individuals and expect them to do the work that you should have done in order to pull yourself out of the crisis. They will fail. The bulk of the work is really up to you no matter who you go to and then once you realize that you’re going to have to pull yourself out and that these other helping individuals are there to do just that, to help you, then you will be able to recover more successfully.

Another factor to keep in mind is that it is very important to cooperate with the person who is helping you. This is quite obvious if we understand that you have to do most of the work of recovering and the person who is helping you recover from the crisis is merely helping you.

Therefore, if you feel that you are at odds with the person who is helping you and that situation cannot be corrected then you will not be able to be helped by that person. Something will have to change. Either you will have to change your point of view and stop being at odds with the one who is helping you and to start working with the person or you will have to change the person with whom you are working, to one with whom you can cooperate more successfully. This is an important issue that many people ignore. They feel that they are going to somebody for help and that it is that person’s problem to solve the situation rather than their own. That just doesn’t work. Nobody can solve the problem but you.

If you find that you keep switching people who should help you and none of them are able to help you then perhaps you should look inward. There are various possibilities.

You may not be selecting the people or the professionals in the right way. Go to a professional counseling service. Pay the money, explain the problem and ask them for assistance in finding the right person to help you. Your job in that professional counseling service is not to get the counseling from them and you can specify that if you are concerned so that they can be completely objective. Your job is to find the right person to help you.

Another possibility is that you yourself are not ready to be helped. You don't have enough motivation or incentive to change the situation in which case nobody will be able to help you. If that is the case then you have again two possibilities. One, accept the situation until you can develop more motivation or incentive to reach change. Or,

Work on yourself to develop this motivation or get professional help to change your motivation. That is right. Sometimes under certain circumstances people can help you motivate yourself. This is not always the case but if you are deeply in need of recovery from a crisis you may want to turn to somebody to help you get the proper motivation to help.

After you are through recovering from the crisis, is it all over? Is everything all better?

Of course not. You are the same as you were before but recovered.

It is something like an operation that you undergo. You have removed the malignant growth but you are never the same. You have scars both outside and inside your body. You can continue to function. You can even function under certain circumstances very well but you will not be able to function as well as a person who never had to undergo the surgery in the first place.

However, when you realize this situation that you are your goal is not to be as good as if the situation had never happened, but merely to be as good as you can possibly be, then you have somewhat lowered your expectations. This is good and then you can reach your goals.

This goal setting is important for the person who is going to help you. You should have clear set goals from the very beginning. You should know what to expect and what not to expect from the assistance that you are going to be given by the professional and you should not try to reach beyond those goals.

Even under the best of circumstances the best and most well meaning person who is trying to help may not be successful. This should also be clarified by both sides from the outside. However, you are both going to do your best to pull yourself out of this crisis and that means that you stand a very good chance and very good odds of being able to recover. Once you have recovered you will realize that you have recovered up until the goal that you have set or as close as possible to that goal and that is to be considered recovery. Do not bemoan the situation that you are not the same as you were before or that you would have preferred to recover to a greater stage than the goal that was originally set. That’s not fair. You have to set realistic goals in the beginning and then you have to be realistic about accepting your situation in life and in recovery. Once you can accept the situation then you can go about the rest of your life and become again a productive member of society, able to succeed.