People love to talk about the time. It may be the most common conversation-starter. Unfortunately, it is also the basis for many lies.

Lawyers used to have a near-monopoly on lies. The punch lines of lawyer jokes often related to their double-billing practice. They would be accused of charging the same hour to two clients. In other cases, they were said to bill for more hours than they really spent on a specific case.

Are those lawyers dishonest? Well, it would be foolish to defend lawyers. Besides, it's their job to defend others!

Is the rest of the population honest? Perhaps in some areas, but not in relation to time.

If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: You just can't trust people. They all exaggerate about the time.

Time shrinks

Somebody from a distant planet, such as Ofakim, may tell you that it’s only a forty-five minute drive from his distant home to Jerusalem. Let’s understand his reasoning. Does this nice fellow want you visit him? If so, he is likely to minimize the amount of travel time that is involved. Perhaps you can double, triple, or quadruple that forty-five minute estimate.

You always thought your friend was honest. Didn’t he realize that you would be upset as soon as you discovered the truth? Wasn't he concerned about his impending, self-inflicted loss of credibility? Perhaps, but apparently that was not an overriding issue.

Don't complain to your friend about his shriveled timepiece. He will have a predictable series of rejoinders:

• "Well, you probably got into a traffic jam"
• "Well, you probably took the wrong road"
• "Well, you can travel faster at a different time of day"
• "Well, there was construction in a side road and they re-routed traffic"

The list of excuses goes on and on. Your friend will always have explanations for the minimal amount of time that he stipulated. He will always win, and he will always prove that it was your fault. Give up.

Time expands

Sometimes people will assert that things take

more time than your faulty watch would seem to show.

Those at a bus stop often claim to have been waiting forty-five minutes for a bus. No matter how long they were really waiting, they usually report the same amount of time. Forty-five minutes. Interestingly, many of these people don't sport a watch, but none of the listeners seem to notice this trivial fact.

True, people at bus stops often wait longer than they would like, but it's unlikely that it was really forty-five minutes. It may be a third or a quarter of that time, meaning that they were waiting about 12-15 minutes. However, the reported time is magnified, in order to make it sound more impressive. Nonetheless, all of the listeners seem to believe the complainer.

Don't try to accuse your fellow passengers-to-be of lying. As with those who understate the time, they will prove you wrong. They may even accuse you of siding with or representing the Egged Bus Cooperative. You may as well give up before becoming involved in this losing argument.

Time stretches

Don't bother coming to a simcha at the time that was stipulated on your invitation. The hosts may indicate that the chuppa will start at 6:30, or even 6:30 before sunset, but they are lying. They believe that it's fun to make others waste their time. That's why it's called a simcha.

The chuppa will not take place at 6:30. You probably won't complain, because you don't want to destroy the simcha. However, if the subject arises, there will be legitimate explanations.

• Perhaps a family member has not yet arrived
• The Rabbi got lost on the way over
• The bride is busy taking pictures with the photographer
• Some guests were delayed by the heavy traffic

We will ignore the fact that you were able to arrive on time, after traveling on the very same roads.

It will do no good to complain. The wedding will take place after 6:30.

But not always

Sooner or later you will attend a simcha that really did start on time. You will be made to feel foolish. The other guests will tactlessly ask whether you read the invitation, and they will wax ecstatic about the impressive chuppa.

You could have arrived on time without difficulty. You arrived late because you learned to disbelieve the time that was announced. Interestingly, many of the other guests did know when this wedding would really start, and they all arrived on time. That makes you feel even more foolish.

Business meetings follow the same pattern. Most executives start their meetings late because they wait for others to arrive. However, if you are the latecomer, then the meeting will start on time. There's probably a law or a maxim for that fact.

It should be no surprise that latecomers show annoyance when the simcha or the meeting starts on time. On those occasions, the participants may accuse the person in charge of not letting them know that they meant the time that was announced. The executive is placed on the defensive, as if he wronged others by starting on time.

Time ends

Some people claim that time has no beginning and no end. They are wrong. Time does have an end.

When was the last time that you went on a date? All of the important topics of discussion seem to arise near the time when your partner is expected to return home. That's extremely annoying, because you know that the next date will begin with patter that lacks substance. You may not even be able to raise that important topic in a tactful way next time. As the date progresses, you will feel foolish about discussing that issue ("didn't we already talk about it? What did we decide?")

You know that you had something important to say, but time has swallowed it up. Time has ended.

That's right: Time stretches, shrinks, ends, twists, turns, and is modified in every possible way. It works against you. It's your problem, and everybody else is right.

You can't win.

You knew that already, didn't you?