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Reid Speaks with Guru Al!

Reid Stanton Good afternoon Falminica, and welcome back to Reid's Hour on YYY FM.

Guru Al Hey there!

Reid Stanton Err, yes . . . ah, joining us is the infamous, and well-respected High Priest of the Divine Church of Fred Basset, Guru Al. Welcome, sir!

Guru Al Infamous, Reid? Just famous will do. I wouldn't claim to be any more that just famous. I am afraid that the word infamous, denotes a kind of power and wanton desire for destruction, that I can't claim to possess. Well, not on the infamous scale anyway...

Reid Stanton Yes, very well then ... Ah, Mr. Parker, I . . .

Guru Al Call me Al, Reid.

Reid Stanton Alright then, Al, I think I will begin by asking you about the new movements that New Age Christianity has been taking.

Guru Al What of them in particular?

Reid Stanton Well, could you perhaps clarify what your spokeswoman, Miss [ahem] Bosom, meant when she said, and I quote, "A new age has begun. A New Christian Age, in which the weak must be sacrificed if the strong shall prevail and achieve greatness. It is a time, in which only the fortunate and the affluent shall be guarded against the forces of darkness, as there is no time to spare for the poor and fragile. The earth shall open up and swallow whole all those who stray from the path prescribed by the church, and mercy will not be allowed for anyone. A vengeful and steely wrath will be brought down upon you, all who quiver in hesitation, and deny the word of the Guru. Do not forsake him, or you will all perish in the New Order. And under the reign of the Guru, anyone who so much as says a word against the vehicle of the New Order, and those that steer it and the people within, toward a greater purpose, will be destroyed instantly. Comply or die!"

Guru Al Oh, well within the right context, it makes a lot of sense

Reid Stanton That is the complete context, Mr. Parker . . .

Guru Al Al . . .

Reid Stanton That was the exact same speech made by Miss Bosom, and that was all she said during the press conference on Wednesday!

Guru Al Oh, stop wailing Reid. It may seem all doom and gloom, but if you look at it closely, you will see that it is rather sunny and bright for the people, who won't be killed!

Reid Stanton What do you say to the people who liken the new directions you are attempting to take New Age Christianity in, to the Regime of Hitler, or Stalin?

Guru Al Well, it's quite obvious, isn't it. I don't have a funny little moustache like those two.

Reid Stanton Actually, you do have a moustache . . .

Guru Al Yes but it isn't a funny, little moustache is it? The comparisons are weak and prove nothing. It is spurious logic to label me as a dictator, who has designs for the destruction of all those I feel are in opposition to me. It is completely different. I have no political affiliations, unlike Mr. Hitler.

Reid Stanton You are the Minister for Sanitation, the vice President General, and among other roles, the Foreign affairs Minister.

Guru Al That's the acting Foreign Affairs Minister, Reid.

Reid Stanton Still, how can you claim to have no political affiliations? You live in the Presidential Palace.

Guru Al Technically. But I actually have a home of my own.

Reid Stanton And when was the last time you spent a night there?

Guru Al Err . . . what is this, August?

Reid Stanton Well, moving on, are there any plans to appease the people who are calling for the trial of Gregor Stix, in yFalminica, for his invasion and subsequent war crimes perpetrated against many innocent civilians?

Guru Al Well, that was on the cards. But, now it's irrelvent really.

Reid Stanton Why?

Guru Al Well, he has escaped hasn't he? It's all well and good to have a trial, but it won't be a hell of a lot of use if the defendant isn't even present, now would it?

Reid Stanton What?! You are saying that Gregor Stix has escaped from gaol in New Zealand? When did this happen?

Guru Al Oh, a couple of months ago. Look, Reid, that doesn't matter now. He has messed with me once, and I doubt that it would happen again. He has learnt his lesson.

Reid Stanton Why wasn't the public informed about this?

Guru Al Well, we would have told them if they asked. It's hardly front page news, especially with puppies still getting stuck down drainpipes and all.

Reid Stanton But, surely the yFalminican Government feels that some form of payback is in order?

Guru Al Well, to tell you the truth, Reid, it all seems like a lot of fuss and too much effort for us. We couldn't be bothered, if the truth be told.

Reid Stanton Couldn't be bothered? This is a man you have formerly described as your arch-nemesis, who you would have taken great pleasure in killing yourself . . . with your bare hands.

Guru Al Water under the bridge . . . Well, of course I would like to kill him still, but I have other things to worry about. If he comes to me I would kill him, but I couldn't be bothered trying to find him.

Reid Stanton Very well then. How do you feel about your private life being exposed in the media?

Guru Al It doesn't bother me that much. They make my life seem rather exciting, even though it is in reality quite mundane. Since my widely covered divorce, I haven't had much of a life, but the media has invented one for me. Why should I complain?

Reid Stanton Well, that's a good attitude to have! Thanks a lot for your time, Mr. Parker . . . err . . . Al, I hope to speak with you again soon.

Guru Al It was a pleasure, Reid, and don't worry I will be back. Goodbye, yFalminica! I will see you all soon when I install my new regime!

Reid Stanton Oh yes, that . . . Well we will take a break and return to complete our star-studded afternoon with an interview with Senator Gamblor Silk.

Guru Al Bend to the will of the Guru!

Reid Speaks with Senator Gamblor Silk!

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