"KRAZY KRIPPLES"

Written by

Trey Parker

[South Park, day. Now showing at the South Park Community Theatre]

[Fanfare begins with a drumroll, a spotlight hits its mark on

stage and an announcer speaks]

ANNOUNCER

Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for

JIMMY! Thank you! Wow. What a terrific

audience. I know what most of you are

thinking. "Hey, uh-that guy stole my

show..." Wow, what a great audience.

And how about this Michael Jackson guy,

huh? I mean, come on... Wow, what a

great audience. Uh... l... lights,

please?

BUTTERS

Hey Jimmy.

JIMMY

Butters, w-where is everybody?

BUTTERS

Oh yeah, well, about that... Christopher

Reeve came to town to do some kind of

show, and everyone went to see him.

JIMMY

Christopher Reeve? Christopher Reeve?!

BUTTERS

You know, Christopher Reeve, the guy

who played Superman.

JIMMY

I know who he is! But why is everyone

ditching my comedy show to see him?!

BUTTERS

Ww-well, because he got crippled, but

now he can move his finger. He is an

inspiration to us all. That's why everyone

ditched on your show.

JIMMY

So then, how come you came?

BUTTERS

Well, because I said I would. Oh, I'm

a dork, huh?

[South Park Town Sq... Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square.

Mayor McDaniels is on stage with her aides. Above them a banner

reads "STEM CELL RESEARCH." A crowd of people has formed in front

of the stage]

MAYOR MCDANIELS

And so without further ado, here's the

most courageous, most amazing man on

the planet, Christopher Reeve.

REEVE

Thank you, thank you, wow, what a great

audience. I just flew into South Park.

Used to be I didn't need an airplane.

TOWNSPEOPLE

Awwwww.

REEVE

As most of you know, I am a strong

supporter of stem-cell research.

JIMMY

Say, fellas! Thanks a lot for goin'

to my ...c-comedy show!

CARTMAN

We didn't go to your comedy show.

JIMMY

I know that, I was being f-f-f-fa...cetious!

STAN

Look, dude. Christopher Reeve, dude.

JIMMY

Ooh, Christopher Reeve! Whoop-de-freakin-do!

KYLE

Dude, that's not cool. You shouldn't

make fun of Christopher Reeve.

STAN

Yeah dude, not cool.

REEVE

Though it is controversial, stem cell

research is critical in the quest for

helping the disabled.

JIMMY

I put together a comedy show and I was

crippled from BIRTH!

STAN

Uh, hoo. Guys, I think we'd better stay

out of this one.

KYLE

Yeah, this is starting to look like

something we shouldn't be any part of.

Let's go play with trucks or something.

TIMMY

Ha-a-aaa-haaa-a.

JIMMY

Can you believe this asswipe, Timmy?

TIMMY

Timmeh!!

JIMMY

Why is a celebrity who became crippled

more important than us that were born

that way, very much.

TIMMY

Rrruh Timmeh!

REEVE

In the coming days I will prove to

the world that stem-cell research is

a miracle.

[The bus stop, day. The boys are on the snow playing with their

trucks.]

CARTMAN

Beep beep beep. Move it, Kenny! Beep.

JIMMY

Hey there fellas.

STAN

Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy.

TIMMY

Timmih!

JIMMY

Say, would you guys like to join our

club? Oh, I'm sorry. You can't. You

aren't crippled.

KYLE

What?

JIMMY

To be in our club, not only do you have

to be c-c-crippled, but you have to

have been born that way. Do you know

what that means? No butthole Superman

asswipe Christopher Reeve!

STAN

That's nice, guys. We're just gonna

stay out of this one.

CARTMAN

Hey, wait a minute! You guys can't

just start a club and tell me I can't

be in it!

JIMMY

Sorry, able-bodied, you can't join.

CARTMAN

Can too!

JIMMY

Hey Timmy. How many able-bodied people

does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You know what you call an able-bodied

guy on the doorstep? Whatever his name

is.

CARTMAN

Oh God-damnit!!

KYLE

Cartman, just stay out of it.

CARTMAN

But they say I can't be in their club!!

STAN

Cartman, trust me. We don't want any

part in this one.

["The T-shirt Factory", later. Timmy and Jimmy walk up to it

and enter]

JIMMY

Hello, Mr. McGillicuuhuhuhh... Mr. McGillicuddy.

MCGILLICUDDY

Hello, boys. What can I do for you?

JIMMY

Timmy and I made a ...T-shirt design

for our new club. We just came up with

a name this morning.

MCGILLICUDDY

Uh... boys, I don't think you wanna

wear these shirts

JIMMY

Why not?

MCGILLICUDDY

Well, because there already is a group

that calls themselves the Crips, and

I don't think they'd like it too much.

JIMMY

...There's already a Crips?!

MCGILLICUDDY

Well, sure, they're all over at Five

Points area in Denver. You've never

heard of them?

JIMMY

No, we never have. Are they crippled

from birth or are they cripple wannabes

like Christopher Reeve?

MCGILLICUDDY

...Oh, I am stayin' out of this one.

["The T-shirt Factory", outside. The doors open and Jimmy and

Timmy exit]

JIMMY

Can you believe it, Timmy? All this

time there was a group for truly crippled

people like ourselves, and we didn't

know it.

TIMMY

Timmmeh!

JIMMY

Come on. We have to take the bus to

Five Points in Denver.

[The Larry King Show on HNN, on air.]

KING

My guest tonight is the brilliant star

of stage and screen, Mr. Christopher

Reeve, who,. with the help of stem-cell

research, is now able to move his arms.

REEVE

Thanks for having me on again, Larry.

KING

All right. Chris, the whole world is

waiting. Why don't you show us what

stem-cell research has done for you.

Amazing. Isn't that amazing, folks?

Now, Chris, there're some people who

say stem-cell research is wrong, that

takling cells from a fetus is... unethical.

REEVE

Well, it just proves that the public

needs to be educated about stem-cell

research. See, the stem cells from a

fetus like this one can form into whatever

cells of the body are damaged. They

are the most powerful thing on the planet.

KING

And how does someone like yourself make

use of the stem cells, Chris?

REEVE

Well, it's very simple. And now you

can see, my arms have better movement.

KING

Wow. Wow.

[Five Points, Denver. A bum pushes a cart full of his belongings

past Denver Meat Packing, a rundown warehouse. Sirens, gunshots,

and a woman's screams are heard.]

JIMMY

Excuse me, sir. we're looking for a

group of people called the Crips.

BUM

You are?

JIMMY

Do you know where they meet? We've already

tried the rec center and the library.

BUM

The Crips hang out at that old warehouse

down there, but ...nobody goes in there.

JIMMY

Oh, it's okay. We're Crips ourselves.

Come on, Tim-Tim.

TIMMY

Timmmih!

[Denver Meat Packing, inside. The music is thumping, there's

gambling and general conversation going on. Jimmy and Timmy walks

in]

JIMMY

Well hello everyone. I'm Jim Swanson,

and this is my friend Timmy.

TIMMY

Timmmih! Tih... ti-timmih.

JIMMY

Well, let us tell you a little bit

about ourselves. Timmy and I are both

true Crips, born and raised. We're the

only Crips in South Park, where we live,

and we would love to join your fa-fa-fabtasitc

Denver chapter.

LARGE CRIP

Is they for real, manh?

JIMMY

We just have one question before we

join your c-club. Do you think it's

better to be born a Crip, or to become

a Crip later by accident?

BRAIDED CRIP

The only Crips is born Crips, dawg.

TALL CRIP

Yeah, you can't become a Crip by accident,

fool!

JIMMY

I agree. I mean, it's like "come on"!

Why do these people who become crippled

later in life think they're such great

pot-potatuhs?

TIMMY

Timmih!

JIMMY

Well, we're glad you see it our way,

fellas. So can we join your g... group?

BUFF CRIP

All right, you wanna thug with the Five

Point Crips? Bitches, all you gotta

do is pop some punk-ass Bloods.

JIMMY

Well, sure. Tim and I would love to

pop some punk-ass Bloods. We're terrific

at it.

TIMMY

Timmih?

JIMMY

I don't know, Timmy, just play along.

TIMMY

Uh-tu-Timmih!

BUFF CRIP

So you sayin' yuh down?

JIMMY

Down like a clown, Charlie Br... Down

like a clown, Charlie B-broooowww...

Down like a clown, Charlie Browh...

Bro-uh-own. Down like a clown, Charlie

Br-Brown.

JIMMY

Say Timmy, did you notice that all the

crippled people in that club are negros?

TIMMY

Timmih!

JIMMY

That's an amm-mmazing coincidence. I

mean, there's not one crippled colored

person in South Park.

OFFICER

Hey you kids.

JIMMY

Well hello, officers.

OFFICER

What the hell do you think you're doin'?

JIMMY

We're goin' to pop some punk-ass Bloods.

TIMMY

Timmih!

JIMMY

Look, Timmy. There's a convenience

store. That must be what the fellas

meant by "pop some punk-ass Bloods."

They want us to get them some soda pop

and treats. Let's buy them ginger ale

and marshmallows. Then they'll let us

in the club for sure.

TIMMY

Oh, Timmih.

DRIVER

Oh shit!

JIMMY

Suh, suh, suh, suh, Sssunday driver!

[back at Denver Meat Packing, night. Jimmy and Timmy are back

at the warehouse]

BUFF CRIP

Yo yo, listen up y'all! Let me tell

you about my little Gs, Roller and 4

Legs here. They just smoked thirteen

Bloods in one night!

CRIP 1

One night?

CRIP 2

You're kiddin'? You're kiddin'? One

night?

BUFF CRIP

That ain't never been done before!

58 CRIP

And they got us marshmallows and ginger

ale.

CRIPS

Uh huh. Cool. He's right.

JIMMY

So does that mean we can join the c-c...club?

BUFF CRIP

You're not just in, you're the baddest

mofo Crips in town! Cipac! Turn up

the beat so we can celebrate our new

Gs Five-Points style!

CIPAC

All right.

JIMMY

Wow, these guys really are crippled.

Timmy, I have a feeling that this is

the start of something b-b-b-b...b-b-brilliant.

TIMMY

Timmih!

[Jimmy's home. A car drives up and drops off Timmy and Jimmy.

The occupants are Crips]

JIMMY

Thanks for the ride home, fellas. We

sure had a ...terrific time.

CIPAC

Alrighty. Keep it real though, dawg.

JIMMY

You dawgs keep it real, too.

TIMMY

Timmih!

JIMMY

Well, that sure was a terrific time.

Let's go all around tomorrow and show

everyone our new outfits, Timmy.

TIMMY

Timmih!

[Jimmy's house, inside. His parents sit before the TV, his mom

worried]

MOM

There you are, Jimmy!

JIMMY

Whatup, Mazie? Ye-yo, Pops?

POPS

Jimmy, you rmother was gettin' worried

about you.

JIMMY

No need to worry about me. I'm cool

like a fool in a swimming ppp-ppp-pp-pp-pool.

[Outside, somewhere, day. A reporter begings speaking to the

camera]

REPORTER

Tom, I'm standing out front of the Stem

Cell Research Facility with terrific

news. Christopher Reeve, who was once

paralyzed, claims that he can now stand.

REEVE

Thank you everyone. To most people,

this is just an ordinary fetus. But

to people like me, it's hope.

CROWD

Uugh.

[Reeve tosses the carcass away, then he drops his feet to the

floor, then he slowly rises from his wheelchair and raises his

arms in victory. The crowd oooos and ahhhs]

MR. GARRISON

What an inspiration.

REPORTER

Tom, many celebrities have spoken out

in protest of stem-cell research, but,

after seeing this, how can they protest

now?

STAN

Stay clear, guys, stay clear.

KYLE

Yup. I'm not seeing anything.

[City Wok, day. Mr. Kim is wiping the counter down. Timmy and

Jimmy enter dressed in their Crip outfits.]

MR. KIM

Hey Hey, I don't want no trouber!

JIMMY

Hello. We'd like two orders of Kung

...Pao Chicken, please.

MR. KIM

I don't want no trouble! You jus...

take what you want and reave!

TIMMY

Timmih!

MR. KIM

OH! Okay, okay! I opening register

TIMMY

Timmh.

JIMMY

What's that? Oh, and one medium lemonade,

please.

TIMMY

Timmih.

MR. KIM

Here. Here one hundred twelve dorrar!

It's all I have. Yeh take!

JIMMY

Hunh?

MR. KIM

You take! Uh one hundred twelve dorrar!

JIMMY

Ah- are you sure?

MR. KIM

I no want no trouble. Just take it and

reave!

JIMMY

Well gee, that's really nice of you,

Mr. ...Chinese person. Look Tim-Tim,

we got a cash prize. We must be the

...one hundredth customer or something.

MR. KIM

Here! Here two order of Kung Pao Chicken,

and small ice tea!

JIMMY

Actually, it was a regular lemonade.

MR. KIM

AAAAAGH-agh!! I sorry! I sorry! I

no want no trouble. Here. Remonade.

Now go, just go!

JIMMY

Gee, thanks a lot. See you next time.

TIMMY

Timmih!

MR. KIM

Hello! Police? I've just been robbed

by two gang members!

[Jimmy's house, later. His parents are standing by the kitchen's

breakfast nook sipping coffee. A door opens in the living room,

then closes]

POPS

Jimmy? Jimmy, could you come into the

kitchen please?

JIMMY

Yo, Mamsie. What's up, Pops?

POPS

Uh have a seat, Jim. Your mother and

I need to talk to you. Son, your mother

and I have noticed a change in your

behavior. And... we're worried that

you might be involved in a gang.

JIMMY

A what? Oh, you mean the fellas. Well

sure. But I can't talk about the club

on account of it's sssuper secret, dawg.

MAMSIE

Then it's true! Oh, Ryan, it's true!

JIMMY

Why you be trippin', Mom? I mean come

on. I'm finally a part of something,

very much.

RYAN

Jimmy, those people you're hanging out

with are no good.

JIMMY

Yo, don't be dissing my niggaz, dawg.

They're my f... friends.

MAMSIE

And what about your standup comedy,

Jim, huh? Are you just giving up on

that, too?

JIMMY

Nobody cared about my standup comedy!

All that hard work just to be outshined

by C-Christopher Reeve the super b-butthole!

RYAN

Uh Jimmy, we've told you before. God

made you the way he did for a reason!

JIMMY

Right. Because you and Mom used to make

fun of crippled kids in high school.

RYAN

That's right. You were sent here through

the vengeful and angry hand of God to

teach your mother and I a lesson. And

that's a big responsibility, son.

JIMMY

Look! My gang, which I can't talk about

because it's super secret, is the most

important thing to me now! And if you

two don't like it, you can just pass

the blunt to the nigga on your left.

[A darkened lab. Christopher Reeve is pacing back and forth,

having a headache.]

REEVE

Where's that delivery of new fetuses?!

Feeling weak again.

AIDE

Here's the new shipment, sir. Hey!

MAN

Hello there, Christopher.

REEVE

Well, well, Gene Hackman, my nemesis

from the movies. How are you?

HACKMAN

I'm good. You?

REEVE

I am better with each passing day.

Stronger and more agile.

HACKMAN

Christopher, I've come to ask you to

stop what you're doing?

REEVE

What?

HACKMAN

Using stem cells is like playing God.

You should leave nature alone.

REEVE

And go back to the way I was? Is that

what you're saying, Hackman?

HACKMAN

I'm saying that sometimes you need to

just live with the cards you're dealt,

Christopher.

REEVE

Stop calling me Christopher! That name

no longer has meaning to me! Christopher

was someone who lived in a wheelchair!

Always being pushed around by others!

The old Christopher Reeve is dead! From

now on, I am... Chris!

[Jimmy's house, night, living room. He sits on the floor between

the couch and the coffee table working on a jigsaw puzzle]

JIMMY

Sixty-five... bottles of... beer on

the wall. Six-

BLOOD

Payback time, mothafucka!

JIMMY

Jesus Christ! Holy G...guacamole!

Freakin' Frijoles! Leapin' L-langosta.

BLOOD

East Side Bloods!

HYDE

We're Detectives Hyde and Richardson

from the Special Gang unit in Denver.

JIMMY

Any word on who shot up me and Timmy's

houses, officer?

RICHARDSON

Word on the street is it was a retaliation

hit by the Bloods.

JIMMY

The... B-Bloods?

HYDE

You know, smart-mouth! Your rival gang!

The Bloods are at war with the Crips,

they kill each other all the time!

JIMMY

The-they do??

RICHARDSON

Don't act like you don't know, you lil

punk! The Crips and Bloods hate each

other, and if you stay in that gang,

you're gonna end up dead too.

JIMMY

But... but why do they hate each other?

HYDE

Look kid, I used to be a Crip myself,

but I'm not anymore!

JIMMY

Oh, so you used ssstemm cells like Christopher

Reeve?

HYDE

Come on. The only way these kids are

gonna get out of their gang is get killed.

RYAN

Sarah!

JIMMY

Oh boy, Timmy, we should have never

started a gang for people crippled from

birth. Now they're at war with the people

who are crippled from an accident. Boy

were we wrong.

TIMMY

Tim-mih.

JIMMY

Wow, w-we've got to do something, Timmy.

We've gotta get the Crips and Bloods

to sstop fighting. I bet if we could

just get them together... but how? Wu-wait

a minute! I've got it! A lock-in at

the rec center! We did it for our church

once. All we do is rent out the rec

center overnight. They lock the doors

so nobody can leave, and then everyone

has the whole night to play in the swimming

pool and laugh and talk.

TIMMY

Timmih!!

JIMMY

You get all the Crips you can to the

rec center tomorrow night, Timmy. And

I'll try to get all the ...Bloods there.

TIMMY

Timmih!!

JIMMY

This is gonna be t-terrific!

[South Park, next day, in from ot Tom's Rhinoplasty]

REPORTER

Tom, several years ago, actor Christopher

Reeve had a horrible accident and was

paralyzed. The irony, of course, is

that the man who played Superman could

no longer walk. America watched in wonder

as he managed to move one of his fingers,

then his arms. And now, seen for the

first time on HBC, Christopher Reeve

is going to lift a truck up over his

head.

RANDY

Oh, what a fighter.

KYLE'S FATHER

That brave, brave man.

LIANE

He's an imspration to us all.

REPORTER

Tom, the irony is even more irony-y

as it appears that the stem cells have

given Christopher Reeve almost superhuman

strength.

HACKMAN

Chris, that's enough!

REEVE

Hello, Gene! So good to see you!

HACKMAN

You're cured, Chris. It's time to stop

using stem cells.

REEVE

Stem-cell research has made me stronger

than I ever thought possible! Why stop

now?!

REPORTER

Uh Tom, apparently, Gene Hackman, the

man who played Superman's enemy Lex

Luthor in the movies, has now shown

up as a celebrity protester of stem-cell

research. If that isn't ironic, Tom,

I don't knw what is.

HACKMAN

They're affecting your mind, Chris.

If you won't stop using stem cells,

then we'll stop you!

REEVE

Stop me?! Stop me?! HA!! You won't

stop me, Hack Man! Ha HA! Ha HA! Ha

haa haa! Ya ha ha! Yaa haha!

REPORTER

Tom, if irony were made of strawberries,

we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies

right now.

[Denver Recreation Center, night. Gang members file through the

doors. Jimmy and Timmy greet everyone at the door. Timmy is disgusied

as Groucho Marx, Jimmy wears a ten-gallon hat.]

JIMMY

Come on in, everybody. Lots of su-surprises

and t-treats inside. Great to see you

all. What a terrific audience.

JANITOR

Are you sure you got everything you

need, young man?

JIMMY

We sure do. Thanks, Mr. Apple...b-by.

MR. APPLEBY

Just remember to make sure the kids

play safe in the pool area.

JIMMY

You bet.

MR. APPLEBY

I'll be back at seven to let you out.

You kids have a good time.

JIMMY

Oh, we will.

[Denver Recreation Center, inside. A group of Bloods enter the

gym and stop in their tracks. At the other end of the gym is

a group of Crips, seated on some bleachers behind a basketball

hoop. The Crips stand in reply]

BUFF CRIP

The Bloods!

BLOOD 1

Oh shit! It's a trap!

BLOOD 2

Muthafucka Crips tryin' to smoke us

all out!

CRIP

What the hell is goin' on here?

JIMMY

It's called a lock-in at the rec center.

We can use all the rec center facilities.

We can play basketball, go swimming,

or even just kick it in the lounge area

with some games and ...p-puzzles.

TIMMY

Timmih!

JIMMY

But nobody can leave until it's seven

a.m., so if you wanna have a good time,

you're all just gonna have to learn

to get along. Theeerrre's pizzaaa.

[Nighttime, near the city. The reporter stands next to a man-made

lake]

REPORTER

Tom, over five years ago, doctors told

Christopher Reeve that he would never

walk again, but the resilient actor

fought back, struggled against all odds,

and has now built his very own Legion

of Doom! The once immobile Mr. Reeve's

new organization will be commited to

world domination and evil. What an inspirational

story, Tom.

[Legion of Doom Headquarters, inside. Christopher Reeve is standing

before a group of villains, both real and imagined.]

REEVE

I have chosen each member of this elite

group of supervillains for their outstanding

treachery, Their desire for world conquest,

and their hatred of all things good!

And I've assembled this group for one

purpose! To once and for all find a

way to... get rid of Hack Man!!

DR. DOOM

Uhhh, how about domination of the world?

SADDAM HUSSEIN

Yeah. Or uh, death to the infidels?

REEVE

Silence! OUR job is to see to it that

Hack Man is put out of commission.

PROFESSOR CHAOS

Oh boy, General Disarray, muh maybe

we just oughtta stay outta this one.

HACKMAN

Not so fast, Chris!

REEVE

Hack Man!

HACKMAN

We just helped pass a ban on stem-cell

research. Your fetus-sucking days are

over!

REEVE

No... NOOOO!

HACKMAN

And now we're goingn to put you somewhere

where you can never touch another fetus

again!

[Denver Recreation Center, inside. The Bloods and Crips challenge

each other.]

BUFF CRIP

You stupid mofos are dead!

BLOOD 3

Make the first shot, punk!

JIMMY

Hold it! Don't you see? It doesn't matter

if we were crippled from birth, or crippled

in an accident. We're all brothers.

BLOOD 4

Save it, fool! Crips ain't our brothers!

JIMMY

Look: we hve the whole rec room to ourselves.

Can't we all just try having some fun

together?

58 CRIP

You talkin' crazy, dawg.

BLOOD 5

Yeah, we ain't playin', sucka!

JIMMY

Why don't we at least give it a chance?

I mean, Come on!

BUFF CRIP

Wait a minute. What did you say?

JIMMY

I said, "I mean, Come on!"

BLOOD 4

You know, maybe he's right. I mean,

Come on!

JIMMY

Come on.

BUFF CRIP

I guess we could at least give havin'

fun together a try. It's like Come

on.

BLOOD 6

Yeah. Come on.

CRIP 2

Yeah, that's right. Come on.

JIMMY

Come on.

SOMEONE

Come on.

ALL

Yeah, that's right. Come on.

BUFF CRIP

I've gotta give you two dawgs props

for puttin' an end to all this hate.

JIMMY

I told you, lock-ins at the rec center

always work. And you know, I've learned

something, too. I was player-hatin'

Christopher Butthole Reeve because he

got more attention than me. But just

like... y-you guys, I need to learn

to control my a... anger.

BLOOD

Right on!

CRIP

Hey little Roller, try some of this

chronic shit.

TIMMY

Timmih!

JIMMY

I guess we all learned that trying to

get along is way better than p... player

hatin'. The gang wrote a song about

it. Why don't we listen in?

GANG MEMBERS

It used to be that Crips and Bloods

didn't get along,

But now we're all a family, so we wrote this song.

Naaa na naaa, Crips and Bloods. Naaa na naaa, hope and love.

Naaa na naaa, friendly thugs.

[Outer space. Christopher Reeve is flung into space in a pane

of glass.]

REEVE

You haven't seen the last of me, Hack

Man! I will be back!!

[The woods near South Park, night. Stan and friends watch the

celestial spectacle]

STAN

Dude, I am so glad we stayed out of

that one.

KYLE

Mee tooo.

THE END