WAYNE: Waynetta. Waynetta there's someone at the bleedin' door.

WAYNETTA: I'm in the kitchen.

WAYNE: So what?

WAYNETTA: I am stuck to the floor.

WAYNE: I told you to give it a mop. Hurry up or she'll go away.

WAYNETTA: You answer it.

WAYNE: Oh bloody hell. It's bloody miles. (Takes one step to front door) Yeah?

SOCIAL WORKER: Hello, I'm Janet Corndell your social worker.

WAYNE: So what?

SOCIAL WORKER: I've come to assess little Frogmella.

WAYNE: Oh, you wanna come in then.

SOCIAL WORKER: Yes please.

WAYNE: Well take your shoes off, you'll get 'em filthy in here. 'Scuse the mess only we can't be assed to clear up. Waynetta!

WAYNETTA: What!

WAYNE: It's that stupid social worker.

WAYNETTA: Alright, I'm coming. (Walks in with floor tiles stuck to feet) Ulllo, I got stuck to the floor.

SOCIAL WORKER: Right well, as I was saying to your husband, I'm here for your daughter's routine assesment.

WAYNETTA: Right, would you like a cuppa tea?

SOCIAL WORKER: Oh yes, thank you.

WAYNETTA: (Rummages through various cups on coffee table) There should be one here somewhere, there you go.

SOCIAL WORKER: Ah.. thank you. How is she generally, any medical problems?

WAYNE: Not really, bit of a smoker's cough, that's all.

SOCIAL WORKER: Has she started building with bricks, yet?

WAYNE: Well she done a pretty good job on the kitchen extension, yeah.

SOCIAL WORKER: Right. Well, perhaps I could see her.

WAYNETTA: Oh right. How's mummy's litle baby then, eh? (With difficulty, lifts baby Frogmella from her pram)

SOCIAL WORKER: She's grown, hasn't she.

WAYNETTA: Yeah, well she's got a healthy appettite, just like her Mum.

SOCIAL WORKER: Right, well, a couple of little tests... (Social Worker waves fluffy orange pencil in front of Frogmella, which instead puts Waynetta in a trance) Mrs Slob? Mrs Slob? She doesn't seem to be focusing very well.

WAYNETTA:Yeah, well, nor would you after half a bottle of scotch.

SOCIAL WORKER: You've not been giving her alcohol!

WAYNETTA: Of course not, she nicks it.

SOCIAL WORKER: Perhaps you shouldn't have hard liquor in the house.

WAYNE: No, she nicks it from the offy down the road.

SOCIAL WORKER: I really think this not a very suitable environment for a child.

WAYNE: Well it's her fault, she's the slob.

WAYNETTA: You're the slob.

WAYNE: You're the slob. Everytime I go for a piss the sink's full of washing up. And you never hoover the carpet.

WAYNETTA: How can I hoover it? I ain't seen it in three years.

WAYNE: Good point. (Pointing at Social Worker) Blimey! Either Frogmella needs her nappy changed or you've just dropped one!

WAYNETTA: Aww can you change her, please? Only he won't do it and I want to watch 'Home And Away'.

SOCIAL WORKER: I'm afraid I'm going to have to take this child into care.

WAYNETTA: Oh good!

WAYNE: Thanks very much. (Wayne and Waynetta sit down on couch) Turn the telly on.

WAYNETTA: No, you turn it on.

WAYNE: You turn it on.

WAYNETTA: It's your turn.

WAYNE: It's your turn.

WAYNETTA: It's not.

WAYNE: Its your turn... (Wayne stops and listens to hear Social Worker leaving)
1, 2, 3, 4, 5. (Loud explosion at the door, opened by Wayne to find blackened-face Social Worker, obviously in a state of shock. She hands Frogmella back to Wayne, who closes door on her)
Alright lover, did you get her purse? There we go. You want your dummy? (Wayne gives cigarette to Frogmella)
Alright.