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Charmer or Abuser

by Traute Klein, biogardener

If it is too good to be true, it usually is. The man who worships the ground you walk on is likely to turn into the controlling abuser, so before you get swept off your feet, listen to that still small voice.

Mr. Wonderful

You have never met anyone quite as charming. He likes everything about you, the way you look, the way you talk, the way you walk. He admires your friendly manner to all the people you meet. He loves your warm relationship with your parents and siblings. He tells you that you are the most wonderful woman he has ever met, and no one could ever compare to you. In other words, he worships the ground you walk on.

This is the man you have dreamed about all your life. You thank your lucky stars for having finally found him. Your friends envy you for your great fortune. Your parents are swept off their feet by the attention he pays them. No one else has ever catered to their every wish as he does.

Background Check

So why the hesitation? Why haven't you accepted his proposal yet? Are you going to wait for someone else to steal him away from you?

You have questions which you dare not ask? You wonder what happened to his first marriage? You have nagging doubts on whether his first wife was really as opportunistic as he claims? No, you don't want to insult him by talking to his ex. You should trust him and take his word for the gospel truth, right? Wrong!

Future Prospect

Ten years have past. Mr. Wonderful is still Mr. Wonderful, but not to you. He has found another woman (or two or three). She, too, was too embarrassed to check with wife #1 or with you, wife #2. He now assures her that he likes everything about her, the way she looks, the way she talks, the way she walks. He also admires her friendly manner to all the people she meets. He also loves her warm relationship with her parents and siblings. He also tells her that she is the most wonderful woman he has ever met, and no one can ever compare to her. In other words, he worships the ground she walks on.

This is the man she has dreamed about all her life. She thanks her lucky stars for having finally found him. Her friends envy her for her great fortune. Her parents are swept off their feet by his charm. No one else has ever catered to their every wish as he does.

Turn-around

So what happened? How did Mr. Wonderful turn into the worst nightmare of your life?

It appears that Mr. Charm is a control freak. The charm carpet gets rolled out every time he needs to attract another victim. As soon as he has one under his control, he loses interest and looks for greater worlds to conquer. He now detests all the things he initially loved about you, maybe not openly, but at least secretly, and once in a while the secret spills out, especially when you start probing as to what happened.

He long ago ceased to admire your loving interaction with your family, because it diminished your dependence on him. It did not take him long to alienate you from friends and family, even if it was just by making you feel guilty about spending time away from him. Do you not feel sorry for him for being all alone while you are enjoying yourself?

Why does he not join you in the family circle which he so admired before your marriage? Simple! He is not the controller of that circle and knows that he never can be. He is therefore not interested in joining it, although he would be more than welcome.

He no longer savors your caring touch, your womanly caresses. They used to assure him of your undivided love. Now they convince him that you are trying to mother him. He pushes you away and harshly reminds you that he is no longer a little boy.

What's wrong? He once loved being mothered.

All the things he used to admire in you he started to despise as soon as you were all his, as soon as you had committed yourself to him until death do you part.

Alarm!

Have you met Mr. Supercharm? Careful! If he is too good to be true, he probably is. So don't lose your sense of caution. It is justified. Get to know his friends, his ex-friends, his ex-wives and ex-lovers. Be sure to dissect his relationship with his family, especially that with his parents and siblings. You may find that he does not have any friends other than you and that he has no intimate bonds with family members either.

You need to find out if this man is going to be charming to you ten years from now, or else you will watch him pursuing someone else with that same charm, someone whom he needs to conquer to replace the woman who has proven to be unworthy of his undivided attention, YOU.

Common Sense

You still don't know what to do with your charming controller?

Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit and don't look back. He will continue to pursue you, and you may have to find ways of hiding from him. If you don't, you will eventually find your charmer change roles and become the abuser. And you? You will either be blaming yourself for not having lived up to his expectations, or you will hate yourself for not having paid attention to the still small voice of warning which you ignored when you first met this wonderful man who overwhelmed you with his undivided attention and unquestioning worship.

Postscript to this Story

I do not use the term narcissist in this story, because at the time of the original publication, I had not heard about narcissistic personality disorder, NPD. It is the clinical description of the personality which I am describing.