FIGHT BREAST CANCER
These funnies were written before modern mammogram machines. They're pretty accurate about the old machines pinching, squeezing and hurting like crazy. The new ones are not painful at all - maybe a little discomfort in holding your arm up for a couple of seconds. I say this because some lady read these and wrote me and said this was exactly why she never had a mammogram! I certainly don't want to feel responsible for women not getting this done because they read some joke on my webpage. I've had the before and after mammograms and trust me when I say a mammogram doesn't hurt at all anymore. GET YOUR MAMMOGRAMS because it's going to hurt a lot worse if you don't!
2. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
3. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
2. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car.
3. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.
4. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
2. Strip to the waist.
3. Invite a stranger into the room.
4. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.
5. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.
6. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
7. You are now properly prepared.
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts,
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by law...
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
The doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram
To look inside that clump.
"Stand up very close," she said,
As she got my boob in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said
"Ah yes! There! that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal...
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressed down,
My boob was in a vice!!
My skin was stretched and stretched
From way up by my chin,
And my poor boob was being squashed
To swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vice-like grip,
A prisioner in this vicious thing,
Was my poor defenseless tit.
"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying,
"Now let's get the other one."
Lord have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from the up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet she's never had this done
To her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now...
If there had been a cyst in there
It would have popped...Ker Pow!
This machine was designed by a man
Of this I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick part of him in there
And see how it comes out!
