The Lord Has Done So Much

by Cathy Barnella
January, 1999

Being raised in a church where the gospel was spoken of but not preached, I knew who Jesus was but I didn't know Jesus, I thought that if I could be the best person in the world, I wouldn't be denied heaven. So I strived to become the best that I could, and often with tragic results, at those times I would belittle myself, and tell myself how stupid I was that I couldn't be the best daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother, ect...Food is an important factor in any midwest home and ours was no exception, my father was passionate about it and always provided the best he could as a struggling young doctor just starting out his own practice. Food became a best friend to me, my comforter...I was a pretty hefty child, but not obese. I left Iowa my senior year (1975) because I had gotten pregnant and was sent to Arizona to live with my aunt and uncle and was taken to California for an abortion..I failed again. Food once more was my best friend. Not long after that I met my husband Ron, and we were married 3 days after my 18th birthday. Ron is not very tall, 5'4" and at the time 118 pounds. I on the other hand was 5'4" 150 pounds! That was the first time that I ever even had to notion to lose weight, what kind of a wife would weigh more than her husband! So I starved myself down to 115 pounds and this close to anorexia nervosa (nameless at the time). I had no control over things in my life and this food thing was the one I found I thought I had some control of. One year later I came to know Jesus as my Savior (notice I didn't say Lord) and asked him into my life. I then became pregnant with our first child and realized that I had to eat to nourish that baby (thank the Lord for common sence!). After that, two more pregancies, one resulting in a loss at 6 mos gestation, my weight flunctuated up and down for years. I tried different diets, starvation methods and exercise to keep it under control but I was not in control, I loved food, and always gained it back plus! Altogether I probably lost in total through the years about 300 pounds. In 1995 I gained 30 pounds very quickly, that was the same year that I plunged into the depths of depression and was put on medication, that was the time, that I began not caring, withdrew from family and friends, and God (a time I will never get back).

But God was merciful. He brought Weigh Down Workshop to my church in 1996 and I watched as women slimmed down and grew drastically in the Lord. Deep down I was envious and wanted that miracle in my life too. So in Sept 96 I joined the WDW, but I joined with doubts, and self centered intentions, my depression imprisioned me and I was blinded to the truths that Gwen taught and I REFUSED to eat less food and wondered why I was not loosing weight! Rebellious child! But I stuck with it for 2 years, I knew it was God's will for my life, but little did I know how he was molding me and changing me from the inside first.

The beginning of my second year, my friend Elaine joined WD, she lost 70 pounds, after her first 20 pounds, I was at her home for lunch and faciciously(?) said, "serve me what you would eat" when she brought me my plate I Laughed out loud! It was a miniscule amount of food, she sat and ate her portion very slowly, as I went back and got a bigggggggerrrrrr serving, plus seconds. By the time I had finshed my full plate, Elaine was still working on and enjoying her very tiny serving...that was an eye opener, but I still rebelled.

My depression had escallated, to the point where I was numb, I don't think the medication was helping anymore cause I just didn't care. My daughter got married last year and I didn't even cry...when she moved away to Germany, I didn't even cry...I felt like a zombie, and wanted to die. I sought out counciling at the Family Life Counciling Center and found out alot about myself, she kept me on the medication cause we had some garbage to sift through, but the most important thing that I learned was my identity in Christ. I am a child of a King! That made me a Princess! Cool!

I started to read all I could get my hands on about depression and the drug that I was on and found out some startling facts about the prozac family! I was so scared, cause I had depended on it as my savior but in all reality it was distroying me and my family and I wasn't going to take it anymore! So I gathered my praying friends, called the Dr. and he advised me as to how to wean myself off of the drug. April 2, 1998, I threw myself at God's feet and committed myself to eating His way and the process began, I fell in Love with Him all over again...I drenched myself in Praise Music, almost 24 hours a day, soaked myself in His Word, ate less food and occupied my spare time with Him in prayer. I began by cutting my portions gradually down to about 1/4 of what I had eaten before, eating on my children's old baby plates, sipping between bites, chewing very slowly and savoring each and every bite, cause you know the stomach can't taste the food anyway! When I wasn't sure if I was full or even satisfied, I stopped anyway and WAITED for the next hunger...it took practice, practice, practice. When I failed, I didn't beat myself up over it, I literally pushed that reset button and waited for the next hunger growl. The Lord has removed 35 pounds off of this rebellious body, and I am at my proper weight. But you know the most important thing I have concluded, I will not use this program as a weight loss plan, it is a life/heart changing plan! And if I didn't lose all my weight that woulda been alright with me, cause my relationship with the Lord is where it should be.

I will never look at a full plate the same, and will strive to eat as a thin eater for the rest of my life. I can't say I have reached the promised land yet, it is still a constant battle daily, but I see it in view. The Lord has done so much for me in the last few months and I praise Him for everything, including the weight loss.

I hope that the Lord will use this to help you or someone you know. May God be praised as you strive to be obedient to him with your food, as well as your life!

Cathy Barnella,

cbarnella@yahoo.com
In the Wilderness on the road from Slavery to the Promised Land.

My Homepage: http://home.talkcity.com/SpiritCir/barnella/