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But who cleans it up?
~~~~~~ Sent by Laugh-A-Lot! - The daily
clean-jokes-only list! ~~~~~~
This week's theme: COWS!
(Because cows are cool.)
First a lesson in palindromes: A palindrome occurs when a string of letters are the same forwards as backwards. i.e., ABA or ABCCBA. Common palindrome words are: Eve, Mom, Otto. Sometimes full sentences are palindromes, such as the classic: "A man, a plan, a canal: Panama!"
More to follow...
Remember the "Mad Cow" epidemic last year? Here's an actual news release from that time:
PHNOM PENH, March 29 (Reuter) - While much of the world shuns British cows, a Cambodian newspaper suggested on Friday that the animals be shipped to Cambodia and allowed to roam free and detonate the millions of land mines littering the country.
"The English have 11 million mad cows and Cambodia has roughly the same number of equally mad land mines. Surely the solution to Cambodia's mine problem is here before our very eyes in black and white," the Cambodia Daily said.
"The plan is simple, practical, and will make mince-meat of the problem overnight," the paper said.
The Cambodian countryside is strewn with millions of land mines, the legacy of decades of war and civil strife.
~~~
...Which leads us to today's Cow Palindrome:
Moo! ...BOOM!
- As told by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org
Send new bovine jokes to: cows@graceweb.org Thanks to Laugh-A-Lot! member Deg for the palindrome!
Bad Advice!
COWS 2
Two cows were grazing alongside a highway when a milk truck went by. On the side of the truck were the words: "PASTEURIZED, HOMOGENIZED, STANDARDIZED, VITAMIN A ADDED."
One cow turned to the other and said, "Makes a girl feel sort of inadequate, doesn't it?"
A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him. "I believe it's your radiator," said the cow.
The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the field.
The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly.
"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied.
"Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a thing about cars."
- As told by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org - Original source unknown Send new bovine jokes to: cows@graceweb.org
More from COWS-a-lot
COWS 3
"The reason activists make a bigger fuss over fur than leather is it's easier to harass rich women than bikers!" - Unknown
I've been quite amused by the number of "true cow stories" I've received this week. I'd tell the story about the cows running free down the middle the road as we came around the curve on St. John island on my honeymoon and my bride and I simultaneously yelling "COWWWW!" as we hit the brakes, but that's not really funny, so I won't mention it...
A portly gent, while driving home after a rather rotten day at work saw on the side of the road a young chap who yelled out "COW!!" He was already feeling irritable and annoyed and this was simply the last straw, so he poked his head out of the window and yelled back "PIG!" Feeling better, he then drove around the corner and ran into the cow. - Sent by Laugh-A-Lot! member Alison
~~~ Because You Know too Much. ~~~
A woman approached me and commented on the leather jacket I was wearing, saying, "You know, a cow was murdered for that jacket!" I got an insane look in my eyes, crazily looked around, and replied, "I didn't know there were any witnesses!" - Sent by Laugh-A-Lot! member Michelle "COWS RULE!!!" Ott
~~~ Upside-down Surprise! ~~~
One of the girls in college from Chicago came up to me and asked, "You're from the country, I'd like to know how they separate the cream?" I said, "You know in a glass bottle, the cream rises to the top? Well farmers get up very early, go out and turn the cows over. After break- fast they turn them back and get cream first." I was REALLY surprised when she came back later that day to inform me that she now knew I had lied to her. I never thought ANYONE would believe that! - Sent by Laugh-A-Lot! member Betty Nickless
- Stories compiled and told by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org
WHAT HAVE YOU THOUGHT about "Cow Week?" Was it deeply mooving? Udderly silly? Send your creative reply, and bovine jokes to: cows@graceweb.org
COWS are my favorite cattle, such beautiful eyes - et
Get What You Pay For!
COWS 4
"'Sacred cows' make the best hamburger." - Mark Twain
"But how do they hold the spatula?" - Bertman :o)
The local sleazy car dealer, who was known to have taken advantage of several people in the community, informed a farmer he was coming over to purchase a cow. When he arrived, he had a bit of "sticker shock" at the sight of the information the farmer attached to the cow:
| Basic cow | ......$499.95 |
| Extra stomachs | ......79.25 |
| Two tone exterior | ......142.10 |
| Heavy duty straw chopper | ......189.60 |
| Milk production system | ......375.13 |
| Produce storage compartment | ......126.50 |
| Four spigot high output drain system | ......149.20 |
| Automatic fly swatter | ......88.50 |
| Genuine cowhide upholstery | ......179.90 |
| Deluxe dual horns | ......59.25 |
| Automatic fertilizer attachment | ......339.40 4+4 |
| Traction drive assembly | ......884.16 |
| Pre-delivery wash and detailing | ......69.80 |
| Destination Charge | ......395.00 |
| Tax, license and title | ......306.63 |
| Total list Price | ......$3,884.41 |
Cowmongus!!!
- As told by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org - Original source unknown Send new bovine jokes to: cows@graceweb.org
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~~~~~~~~~~~
Chicken - Part 2
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road, Part 2
(Note: This is Part 2. Before you start sending me email asking about "Part 1", it is in the Joke Archive "Why did the Chicken Cross the Road, Part 1") I'll get it for you.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
Hillary Rodham Clinton: I don't recall.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying insecurity.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed it, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
The Pope: That is only for God to know.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.
Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
Scully: It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in
chickens.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Doc) -Tom tellswor@slonet.org | http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor
Here it is: part one.
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? (Part 1)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A combination of emails ... one from my son, another from a co-worker.
Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Jack Nicholson: 'cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: I forget.
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Sappho: Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair than all of Hellas' fine armies.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Stephen Jay Gould: It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.
Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. Crack its eggs to make my omlette.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of pleghm in its pancreas.
Andersen Consultant: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
Finally, in case someone thinks this has a distinctly anti-Republican bias, the following has been added for balance:
Bill Clinton: No one has ever offered one shred of evidence that the chicken went anywhere near the road. Anyway, answering this question will not educate a single child or provide a single senior citizen with medical care.
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Wait a minute! Chickens? That's domestic policy! You promised that to me, Bill!
James Carville: To avoid being killed by evil Republican policies. Now, where's my chicken gumbo?
Al Gore: To get ... to the other ... side.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Comments, suggestions, flames, etc. tellswor@slonet.org
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JOKES FROM THE FUNNY
FARM
2 / 98 Great Joke of the Whenever
From: Chris at The Funny Farm
Pit bull
Time for the "Great Joke of the Whenever"! Thanks to Shara for sending this one along: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May your day be filled with joyous laughter! Chris at The Funny Farm
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