"When we talk to God it's called prayer. When God talks back it's
called schizophrenia."
-- unknown
"Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get."
-- Garfield
"The Phantom Menace made $102 million [the week it opened.] Actually, they said it could have made
$204 million if the guys in line had had dates."
-- Jay Leno on the Tonight Show
"When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you're older, you'll settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team."
-- unknown
"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks."
-- Joe E. Lewis
"Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you."
-- Fran Lebowitz
"Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you."
-- Tommy Smothers
"Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done."
-- Ernie Kovaks
"Theory of relativity: the more relatives are visiting you, the slower the time passes."
-- unknown
"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people."
-- G.K. Chesterton
"Before you criticize people, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
-- Jack Handy
"Health: The slowest possible way to die."
-- unknown
"People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small
boy -- and I keep it in a jar on my desk.
-- Stephen King
"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also
to love our enemies -- probably because they are generally the same people."
-- G.K. Chesterton
As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life - so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
-- M. Cartmill
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
-- William Blake
"Anyone who calls a rose by any other name was no doubt pruning them without a good pair of gloves."
-- Unknown
"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!"
-- Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer
"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid."
-- Benjamin Franklin
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx
"If this is coffee, please bring me tea.
If this is tea, please bring me coffee."
-- Abraham Lincoln
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."
-- Steve Landesberg
Nominated for Time quote of the year is the statement made by Representative Dick Armey, who when asked if he were in the President's place, would he resign, responded:
"If I were in the President's place I would not get a chance to resign.?I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey standing over me saying, 'How do I reload this damn thing?'"
"Generally, the theories we believe we call facts, and the facts we disbelieve we call theories." -- Felix Cohen
"Coincidinces are spiritual puns.
-- G.K. Chesterson
"A converted cannibal is one who, on Friday, eats only fishermen."
-- Emily Lotney
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
"Why yes -- a bulletproof vest."
-- James Rodges, his final request before the firing squad
"Go away...I'm alright."
-- H. G. Wells
"Now comes the mystery."
-- Henry Ward Beecher
"Friends applaud, the comedy is over."
-- Ludwig von Beethoven
"Drink to me."
-- Pablo Picasso
"And now, I am?dying beyond my means."
-- Oscar Wilde, sipping champagne on his deathbed
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist---"
-- General John B. Sedgwick's, 1864
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