Longtime Helium Bomb Guitarist Dick Casper Murdered in Police Shootout in Hobbitsville

Tragedy once again struck the death-plagued band helium bomb last week as Helium Bomb's longest surviving guitarist (out of a total of 6 to date, along with 4 bass players) was murdered by the Hobbitsville Midget PD squad. It all started when Dick rolled off the ground around 3 last saturday afternoon. Dick was used to waking up and seeing shit on his counter that he'd never remembered seeing before but today was special! He didn't exactly remember who was over the night before, but they had left a loaded bong and 5 hits of acid out on the counter. So he smoked the bong, and took 5 hits of acid. 45 minutes later, while Dick was enjoying a peaceful drugged up breakfast, something terrible happened. His Lucky Charms started talking to him. They said "Behold the mighty one!" over and over again until finally, Lucky Himself jumped out of the box and challenged Dick to a duel. What followed was a terrible struggle that ended up in Dick being tied to a chair with imaginary duct tape while Lucky made off with his weed. Helium Bomb Soundman and roommate Jon Brown was awakened by the duel, and untied Dick, but not before sodomizing him with a broom handle to teach him a lesson for waking him up. After Dick was freed from his imaginary duct tape he was off to Hobbitsville, (land of the midgets in salt lake city) to kill lucky, and save his weed. He grabbed his AK-47 and marched up to 1300 east and southward, chanting the whole way "must kill lucky, freaky, fucking midget, must kill, freaky fucking midget, " and stopping for gummi worms once in a while. Dick made his way into hobbitsville where he was greeted by a tribe of angry midgets. Dick asked "Take me To Mr. Lucky Charms" to which they replied "Go away, intruder!" in reallysqueaky high pitched midget voices. Dick couldn't take this shit, it was bad enough the road had been trying to eat him his whole walk down there, he didn't put up with that shit to deal with more midgets. And then he remembered the dream he had the night before, where a whole bunch of midgets were trying to bite off his penis, and that was the final straw. "YOU'LL NEVER GET MY PENIS YOU COCK SUCKERS! NOW FUCKING DIE!" he shouted as he unloaded round after round into the midgets of hobbitsville. They kept coming, and throwing their little spears, but unfortunately for them, Acid Dick had complete control over the elements, and caused the spears to go into their eyes. Then after the killing scene stopped, out of nowhere came big bad Sherriff Timmy, the biggest midget in Hobbitsville. Standing all of 4'5" he was a giant. "I challenge you to a duel" he said. Unfortunately, what Dick heard, and saw was "Frosted Lucky Charms! They're Magically delicious!" and a little midget dancing. So down went Sherriff Timmy. At this point all of the Hobbitsville PD opened fire on Dick and killed him. In the end, the death toll was 88 Midgets, and One Big Dick. Dick was Helium Bomb's Guitarist from 1998-2000 and wrote such hits as "Denial" "Tah" and "Give me Back My Weed you Midget Cocksuckers", a hit he sang in his final minutes. He played the two drunkest shows Helium Bomb ever performed, and took the lead from lead singer Mike at the famous last show, where Mike was too duct taped/naked/incoherent/covered in puke/passed out to perform. Mike expressed his deepest sorrow "It's not fucking fair, now I'm going to have to stay conscious for the entire show! You fucking asshole!". New bass player Gentry agreed with Mike in his sorrow "My grandparents were midgets, Fuck you!". Drummer Jason Davis eulogized him at Helium Bomb practice, "He was a drunk man, he was a stoned man". Helium Bomb announced shortly after new guitarist Zach Walizer, more on that in another story, I'm sick of wriing this one