Air Force Humor

How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.

What is the difference between an pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining after it lands.

How do you know if there is an pilot at your party?
He'll tell you.

What's the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot...

What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A pilot and a dog. The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

What is the difference between an pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into a pilot when it's drunk.

What do pilots use for birth control?
Their personality.

The difference between the Boy Scouts and the U.S. Air Force?
The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. The Air Force has pilots

What's the difference between American pilots and Iraqi pilots?
American pilots break ground and fly into the wind...

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The Biggest Lies in the Air Force...

1. Base commander to the Inspector General: We're glad you're here.
2. Inspector General to the base commander: We're only here to help.
3. Me? I've never busted minimums.
4. I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
5. We will be on time, maybe even early.
6. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
7. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
8. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
9. I'm a member of the mile high club.
10. I only need glasses for reading.
11. I broke out right at minimums.
12. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
13. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
14. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the T.O.
18. This plane outperforms the T.O. by 20 percent.
19. The Air Force doesn't work as hard as the other services.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
25. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
26. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
27. I thought YOU took care of that.
28. I've got the field in sight.
29. I've got the traffic in sight.
30. Of course I know where we are.
31. I'm SURE the gear was down.

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Fighters or heavies?

An F-16, after refueling behind a KC-135, was generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering tanker. The message for the KC-135 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be out done, the tanker pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The KC-135 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"We just shut down two engines."

Alternate version: "I just went back to stretch my legs, take a piss in the john, and grab a cup of coffee from the galley

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Aircraft Maintenance

These are purportedly from actual military maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution 1: #2 Propeller seepage normal. #1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesn't.
Solution: IT DOES NOW.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.

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There are glaring language differences between the services that protect our nation. Here is an example:

• When the Navy secures a building, they turn out the lights and lock the hatches.
• When the Army secures a building, they post sentries and check I.D. cards.
• When the Marines secure a building, they call in air strikes and assault through the objective using fire and close combat.
• When the Air Force secures a building, they get a 4 year lease with the option for 4 more years.

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An Army grunt sitting in a foxhole, eating MREs and wearing 50lbs of gear after having marched 12 miles, says: "This sucks."

A Navy seaman sitting on his 5' X 2' bunk, in a closet-sized room smelling of oil and rolling from the waves, which he shares with 6 other men, after not having seen the sky for 30 days says: "this really sucks".

A marine, doing push-ups in the mud during a downpour, after an 18 mile march with 60 lbs of gear, says: "I love the way this sucks, oorah!"

The special forces green beret crawling through a leech-infested swamp, eating nothing but bugs and tree bark for 6 days, sneaking around past armed terrorists, says: "I wish this could suck some more!"

An Air Force pilot sitting in an easy chair in an air conditioned hotel, holding a remote control, says: "no cable? this sucks!"

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There is no doubt at all that, of all the Services, the Air Force has the most intelligent enlisted people. This is not just opinion, it's provable fact:

Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, men."

Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of BDUs because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a young Captain, Gives his Marines a Sharp Salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marines!"

Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the messroom.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!"

Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a fresh uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sir!"

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Marines

An airman in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a MARINE joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The Airman says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

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The Navy and the Air Force decided to have a canoe race on the Potomac river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Navy won by a mile.

Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1 officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering.

So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Navy again next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the rowing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality Air Force Program," with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."

The next year the Navy won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance, initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles and issued leather rowing jackets to the beleagered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.

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Tower Time

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference:

If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.

If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

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The Baloonist

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an NCO", says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must be an Officer".

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

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Pilots' Hell

A MAC pilot died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors. The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." "I'll be right back--don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, he peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.

Unable to imagine a worse fate, he cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see a pilot getting ready for a flight while crew chiefs dilligently put the final touches on a perfectly-maintained aircraft, even bringing him coffee and saluting him sharply as they presented the forms for his approval.

He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared. "Okay," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's crew chiefs' hell."

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Supposedly, this was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not - and made the web department take it down immediately (McDonnell Douglas, now part of Boeing, is one of the world's chief suppliers of military aircraft).

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1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

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