Public Johns are most disgusting, the ones we find out there.
With their pee stains and their skid marks and collections of pubic hair.
We really hate to use them even if in dire need.
So cups, cans or bottles is the true bus drivers creed.
Yes it’s cups, cans or bottles. They’re what we take with us.
They’re what we use to pee in when we drive the bus.
For we are all bus drivers. Bus driving’s all we know.
So it’s cups, cans or bottles we take so we can go.
I pulled into a stop downtown and opened up the doors,
This old gal says “Where’s 19? I been waiting here for hours!”
Gallantly I told her they’d re-routed that one too.
Before I got those old doors closed she pegged me with a shoe!
That route eight is really fun, I do it every day.
Here comes granny on the run, but her walker’s in the way.
I was on time, but now I’m not, ‘cause for her I had to wait.
She paid her fare, gave me a glare and said “Why are you so damn late?”
Well I was doing route sixteen and feeling mighty glum.
I got waved down at the shelter by a bunch of homeless bums.
They were filthy dirty and smelling pretty bad.
And wouldn’t you know expired transfers was all the fare they had.
One day I went to Magna. Pulled into the end of line.
Asked this guy to pay his fare. He said “Hey, kiss mine!”
I caught his pant leg in the doors when I gunned it out of there.
I guess he limped home in his drawers, but next time he’ll pay his fare!
Night rides are my favorite. I do them very well.
Don’t even have to watch the clock, just go like a bat out of hell.
And if a sloppy drunk should board reeking of alcohol.
I just take him out to BFE and throw his ass off that’s all.
I did an Ogden night ride, that shuttle for the drunks.
Some of them were so far gone they thought the seats were bunks!
Most passed out on our way up there. I wished the rest had too.
So they wouldn’t barf or belch or swear or the other foul things they do.
Well I was driving down the road in the bus one day.
Saw a gang of ruffians blocking the roadway.
They were running and waving, wanting to go to town.
So I did us all a favor and I mowed the bastards down.
Yes, cups, cans or bottles. We need them on the bus.
If it weren’t for one of those our bladders sure would bust.
For time is of the essence, and not enough have we,
To drink a coke or have a smoke and still run and take a pee.
Hilton Harris
