HORRATIO THE HIPPOPOTOMUS DOES NOTHING

(A SEMI-AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL WORK WRITTEN BY SOMEONE ELSE)

BECAUSE OF THE LAST THREE WEEKS,

THERE ARE ROMOURS THAT HORRATIO THE HIPPOPOTOMUS ACTUALLY HAS A LIFE.

IN THE FIRST EPHISODE HORRATIO WENT ON HOLIDAYS.

IN THE SECOND EPHISODE HORRATIO HAD A BIRTHDAY PARTY.

IN THE THIRD EPHISODE HORRATIO PUT AN ADD IN THE PERSONALS AND EXCEPT FROM SOME VERY QUICK THINKING FROM OUR PRODUCER, NEARLY HAD A RESPONSE.

TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT, THIS WEEK HORRATIO DOES NOTHING!

THAT RIGHT, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

NO ZANY ADVENTURES.

NO ZANY MISADVENTURES.

NO NON-ZANY MISADVENTURES.

NOT EVEN ANY PLAIN, OLD, BORING, EVERYDAY, "WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME" MISADVENTURES.

HANG ON A MINUTE STOP THERE!

WHERE IS THE MISERY, AND THE FRUSTRATION, AND THE LONLINESS, ISN'T HE EVEN DOING THAT?

THIS EPHISODE IS STARTING TO SOUND LIKE A HAPPY ONE.

DON'T WORRY, HORRATIO MIGHT NOT BE DOING ANYTHING, BUT HE IS SODDINGLY LONELY DOING IT.

WHAT HORRATIO REALLY WANTS IS SOMEONE TO DO NOTHING WITH.

AND HORRATIO HAS JUST THE PERSON TO DO IT WITH… HIMSELF.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU ALL THIS BECAUSE HORRATIO IS TO LAZY.

HE'S EVEN TOO LAZY TO PICK UP HIS PAYCHECK FOR THE ROYALTIES FROM THE SHOW…

IF HE WAS GETTING ANY… WHICH HE ISN'T CAUSE HIS LIFE IS SO UNINTERESTING WHO WOULD PAY FOR IT ANYWAY… CERTAINLY NOT US…

WHERE WERE WE?

OH THAT'S RIGHT, HORRATIO IS DOING NOTHING…

ABSOLUTELY…NOTHING…

MAYBE HE'S SITTING VERY STILL?… NO HE'S NOT EVEN DOING THAT… HE REALLY IS DOING NOTHING…

MAYBE HIS DEAD… NOW THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING…

SORRY HE'S NOT DEAD.

LOOKS LIKE IT WON'T BE A HAPPY ENDING THIS TIME EITHER.

SO STAY TUNE NEXT SATURDAY AS THIS REMARKABLE ACCOUNT OF ALL THE THINGS HORRATIO DIDN'T DO THIS WEEK WON'T CONCLUDE NEXT WEEK…