(A SEMI-AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL WORK WRITTEN BY SOMEBODY ELSE)

WELL BOY AND GIRLS, IT’S THAT TIME OF THE WEEK AGAIN FOR HORRATIO THE HIPPOPOTOMUS.

AND WHAT HAS HORRATIO BEEN UP TO THIS WEEK!

IT SEEMS HORRATIO HAS RECEIVED A PHONE CALL THIS WEEK. IT WAS FROM SOMEONE WHO SAID HE WAS A "FRIEND".

HORRATIO IS A VERY WISE HIPPOPOTOMUS, HE DOESN’T TRUST ANYONE WHO CALLS HIMSELF A FRIEND.

BUT HORRATIO WAS WRONG…THIS WAS A LONG LOST FRIEND…FROM CANBERRA. HE WAS SO LOST INFACT… THAT HE WAS IN SYDNEY.

HIS "FRIEND" WANTED TO COME AND VISIT.

HORRATIO DOESN’T NORMALLY HAVE VISITORS, SO HE WAS VERY SUPPRISED (YOU MIGHT EVEN SAY EXCITED).

BUT HORRATIO WAS SUCH A MESSY SOD THAT MOST NORMAL PEOPLE WOULD CALL HIS PLACE A PIGSTY… IF YOU HAD SOME PIGS THAT YOU WANTED TO INSULT.

WHAT COULD HORRATIO DO? THERE WASN’T TIME TO CLEAN THE WHOLE HOUSE.

THE MOULD IN THE BATHROOM ALONE WOULD TAKE A LEAST FIVE DAYS TO CLEAN…IF HE HAD A STEAM GUN AND SOME INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH CLEANER.

AND THAT WAS THE CLEANEST ROOM IN HIS "APARTMENT".

SO HORRATIO DID LIKE ALL BACHELORS DO WHEN UNEXPECTED VISITORS ARE COMING AROUND, HE SPENT THE WHOLE AFTERNOON TIDING UP FURIOUSLY…

AND THEN SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT APPOLOGISING THAT HIS FLAT IS NORMALLY CLEANER THAN THIS BUT HE DIDN’T GET TIME TO CLEAN IT UP THAT AFTERNOON.

HIS FRIEND WAS VERY NICE THOUGH… HE TOLD HIM THAT HE COULDN’T CARE LESS IF HE CHOSE TO LIVE LIKE AN INSULTED PIG.

NOW ISN’T THAT NICE BOYS AND GIRLS. HORRATIO HAS FRIENDS WHO DON’T CARE… MUCH BETTER THAN THOSE NOSY TYPES WHO ONLY WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU!

SO WHAT DID HORRATIO AND HIS FRIEND DO. WELL HORRATIO DEMONSTRATED HIS PRIDE AND JOY… HIS NEW CAREER IN RADIO…WHICH HAD THE UNUSUALLY EFFECT OF COMPLETELY ASTOUNDING HIS FRIEND. "WHAT IS THIS CRAP!"

TRYING TO RECOVER FROM THIS DISASTER, HORRATIO DECIDED THAT A NICE GAME OF POOL MIGHT BE MORE ENTERTAINING.

YES, THAT DID THE TRICK…HIS FRIEND WON ALL 6 GAMES, AND THE ONLY REASON HE WASN’T LEFT WITH A FULL COMPLEMENT ON THE TABLE WAS THAT HIS FRIEND ACCIDENTLY (ON PURPOSE) DROPPED A COUPLE OF THEM FOR HIM. HE WANTED TO SET HIMSELF JUST THAT LITTLE BIT MORE OF A CHALLENGE.

IT’S AMAZING HOW SODDINGLY LONELY HORRATIO CAN BE, EVEN WHEN HE’S AMOUNGST FRIENDS.

DON’T WORRY HORRATIO… ALL IS NOT LOST. YOUR FRIEND TOLD ME THAT HE LIKES YOU…

BECAUSE YOU A BIGGER AND MORE CLUMSIER THAN HE IS, WHENEVER HE LOOKS AT YOU HE FEELS BETTER ABOUT HIMSELF…SO HE LIKE SPENDING TIME WITH YOU.

THAT’S GOT TO BE GOOD DOESN’T IT?

MAYBE IF YOU LOOK HARD ENOUGH HORRATIO YOU COULD FIND SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS BIGGER AND CLUMSIER THAN YOU TO HANG AROUND SO YOU FEEL BETTER?

ON SECOND THOUGHTS PERHAPS NOT.