...Lagniappe! page six A PRINCESS WITH WINNING WAYS By Thomas Ross Once upon a time, beyond more yesterdays than anyone can remember, there was a beautiful young princess with ideas more modern than tomorrow. Now some would say that she was a fair young princess, but "fair" has two meanings, gentle reader, so this writer will avoid future arguments by simply saying that the Princess was young and beautiful. In the early years of her youth, the Princess heard the story of a prince who tortured his bride-to-be by putting a pea under her mattress just to make sure that she was not a toughie. At once the Princess formed ideas of her own; she would test any prince who sought her hand. "A male chauvinist pig!", she exclaimed as she slammed the book she was reading onto a table. “Surely", mused the princess, "I am as delicate a flower as that other princess, who must have suffered terribly if the prince was not a quiet sleeper himself. I'll not be pressed flat as a blossom in my prayer book! The prince I marry must be very quiet at night, and I will test him to see if this is so." Early one spring day, there was a jingle of bit and bridle in the palace courtyard, the snorting and stamping of a spirited horse, and a blithe young voice raised in carefree song. The Princess lost no time in glancing out the arrow-port of her tower room and less time in going down the stairs to meet the handsome prince who was thus arriving. He named himself the Prince of Cumbershore and surprised the Princess by being clad in a garment that resembled a short colorful skirt, which he said told people the name of his family. Needless to say the Prince had heard of her beauty and had come to make sure of it. He was delighted to find that every word was true, though scarcely true enough. The Princess, though taken by surprise by the visit, was not unprepared, and did not forget her own thoughts in her delight at the handsomeness of the Prince. After a day of games and riding; after an evening of songs, feasting and dancing; the Prince of Cumbershore was shown to his bedroom. Everything was as it should be in a princely bedroom, except that the headboard of this bed had another board atop it, and this board was loaded with delicate glasses and goblets. When the Prince asked the chamberlain about this, the only answer he received was a quiet smile and advice not to disturb the glassware. The Prince was very tired, so though he was quiet enough while awake, he began to snore mightily as soon as he fell asleep. The glassware tinkled and trembled on its shelf, but mostly stayed in place until, slightly rested, the prince began to roll about. Down came the glassware, breaking all over and around him, so that his further rolling crunched it to little bits. The next morning the sun was as bright as when the prince first came, but the only song came from the birds in the nearby forest. The Princess stood waving sadly while the Prince, a mass of BandAids and carrying a half-empty box of the patches in his saddle-bag, rode slowly away. The Princess sighed and mused for several days on how strange it was that one so handsome by day could be such a monster at night. Not for long was she lonely, for in a few days there came another prince, clad in shining armor and riding a coal-black steed that pawed the flagstones of the courtyard as if he would turn them over. This prince was even more handsome than the first, wearing under his armor a jacket, colorful bloomers, and seemingly, long black stockings. He seemed more vigorous than the first prince, until the afternoon, when he spoke of the siesta that was a custom in his land. At once the Princess offered him a wooden deck-chair in a sunny garden and withdrew to leave him to his customary rest. An hour later she had him called and found her worst fears realized. The tawny wretch had thrashed about so in that brief nap that the chair was reduced to splinters, none larger than a toothpick. Enough of these had stuck into his skin and clothing to make him look like a hedgehog. Sympathetic servants removed the splinters from his skin before slipping him into his armor and hoisting him onto his warhorse, whereupon he rode sadly away, a rejected man. Some observers remarked that he stood in his stirrups in a way that suggested one or more of the splinters had been overlooked. It was late spring when the next prince came - from Snagpop, a far country - with his own armed men, minstrels and servants. He rode in a sedan-chair surrounded by cushions, and at first the Princess thought he would be a weak sort of fellow. At the dance however, he seemed to release all the energy he had saved during his travels by land and by sea. Besides, he was so witty and so full of knowledge of strange places, peoples and creatures that the Princess thought a lifetime with him would be forever enchanting. The Prince insisted on pitching his own camp for the night, speaking of his own far-country faith and the need of his people to have him in their midst. The Princess then wondered how she would test him and did not think of a way until the next morning. During the evening the King and Queen thought much about the Kingdom of Snagpop from which the Prince, called Victorious, had come. The Queen ventured that Snagpop might be a barbaric land, but the King replied "The wealth of the country is great and wealth makes people genteel, as you can see in the deportment of this prince." The next day, after a rich noontide meal, the Princess invited her delightful suitor to a canoe-ride on the royal lake of blue water. A single paddler in the stern propelled the craft while the Prince reclined among cushions in the bow. The Princess sat on a seat in the middle and played soothing music while she sang restful songs in her sweet voice. Surely enough the happy prince went to sleep, and within moments started to squirm in a way that would have shamed the Midgard serpent that the Princess's old servant had used to frighten her in her over-active childhood. To say he rocked the boat would be to withhold vital information. He upset it, spilling himself, princess, paddler, harp and cushions into the water and this water was colder than anything the Princess had ever imagined. The cushions floated and the paddler could swim very well, so all came to shore safely except that the harp was lost in the depths of the water and the budding love of the Princess for the Prince was left in the icy lake - drowned or frozen. To tell the truth, the Prince was none too gracious about it all and said to the Princess, "Yours is a barbaric land and for this mistreatment, when next we meet, you will be a trophy of war!" He spent the afternoon in his own camp where he watched his men-at-arms parrying with strange curved swords. The Princess, doubly outraged, turned to tell the wretch a few things, but was quickly hastened away to her castle in safe-conduct by the Prince's soldiers. For the rest of the day, the Prince and his soldiers were seen practicing with their curved swords. All ended peacably enough however, as the prince and his men were gone by the next morning and messengers along the road brought back word that he was going south. One of those who met and passed the sedan chair reported having heard a muttering that sounded like, "A woman of that sort would wreck a harem!" The summer passed without further visits worth mentioning and the Princess spent much of her time in the royal zoo, seeming to be fascinated by the large and middle-sized cats. Her only remark about suitors during all this time was to her nurse, whom she told that men could be best evaluated on dry land. Autumn was just beginning when a calm-faced gentleman of royal blood, the scholarly Prince of Whales, came from the islands of the West. He wore a high round black hat and held a monocle in his right eye. Poise and courtliness marked his every move and the Princess at first thought him no fun at all. She soon learned however that he was scholarly, wise, and possessed of a humor that was almost hidden beneath his schooled exterior. It was with some regret therefore, that the Princess prepared his night-time test. She had observed that one wildcat in the zoo would try to attack any source of noise or movement and this wildcat was placed in a cage that opened silently into the princely bedroom after he had gone to rest. To the astonishment and joy of the princess, the Prince came out of his bedroom without a scratch the next morning. She entwined him in her arms with "Oh, you wonderful gentleman!" His calm exterior was unruffled but his monocle fell out. Never was wedding-feast more joyous than that of the beautiful princess and the gentlemanly Prince of the Western Isles. They retired with the good wishes of all present ringing up the stairway after them. The next morning the Princess reappeared as radiant as ever, but the Prince had a large bruise on one cheekbone, looked slightly downcast and was heard to murmur, "My dear, your have proven the wisdom of that old saying, 'one good turn gets the whole blanket'!" Through all the following years, the Prince, presently the King, kept a stiff upper lip, with the help of moustache wax generously provided by his kindly barber, and so they lived happily ever after. Contact the author Home Free Counters @ baja.org