TO HAVE AND TO HOLD

Standing in front of the mirror in the guest room, Face adjusted his necktie
for the third time, brushed a few specks of dust from his shoulder, ran a hand
through his hair. He was used to taking a quick glance at his reflection and
being perfectly satisfied with what he saw; the handsome young Californian
with the cool smile of a movie star. All he could see this morning were signs
that gave him the vague awareness that he wasn't as young as he had been. A
few tiny lines etched at the corners of his eyes, the slightest tinge of gray
to ash blond hair. Face sighed, a mixture of joy at the happiness he had
found, and regret that it had taken him so long.

It wasn't anything like how he had expected to feel on his wedding day.

To the surprise of all of them, Stockwell had kept his promise and finally
arranged the A-Team's official pardon. For a year they had been like kids let
out of school. BA's first move had been to spend three months with his mom,
cleaning out her neighborhood in Chicago like the proverbial Lone Ranger.
Hannibal had been to the South of France on location for a movie, and taken
Maggie Sullivan with him for an vacation after shooting was over. Since they
had been back, the Colonel and the pretty doctor had hardly been out of each
other's sight, and there was a strong suspicion that a lot more had gone on
than sightseeing.

Face had gone wild at first, never spending two nights running in the same
bed. It was a luxury he hadn't tasted for a long time not to have to say he
was a Hollywood producer or a shipping magnate; not to listen to a name being
cried out in a moment of passion that wasn't his own. He was ex-lieutenant
Templeton Peck, formerly of the Green Berets in Vietnam. With the status the
team had achieved for a while after the news of their reprieve had hit the
papers and TV, that was often something of an allure in itself.  

But a kid got tired of ice-cream and candy after a while. Face started to
spend time alone, considering his future. What *did* the years to come really
hold for him? Money wasn't a problem; enough came in from the investments made
with sixteen years of clients' payments to ensure none of them would probably
ever have to work again if they didn't want to. But were the zeros in his
checkbook going to keep him warm at night? Face was starting to long for
someone to share the good times and the bad, to hold him at night and be
sitting across the breakfast table from him in the morning. He started to look
more closely at his lovers, trying to find more in them than a few jokes and a
beautiful body, trying to recognize the soul that would accept all his faults
and still want to stay with him for the rest of his life. And when he realized
one day he'd found that soul, it came over him like dawn breaking, thrilling
him and scaring him and filling him with wonder, and he wanted to grab it with
both hands before the possibility evaporated like a dream in the night. 

Murdock was the first person he told. Rather than drifting apart from the
pilot, Face had spent more time than ever in his company since their new-found
freedom. Murdock's garage apartment off a quiet street in Westwood, not far
from his old home at the VA, was where Face always seemed to end up when he
was tired of the jet-lag and the parties; when he just wanted to talk, and
listen, and let it all hang out. Strange that Murdock, of all people, should
now seem like an oasis of calm. 

The pilot's lifestyle had changed very little. After the years he'd spent
behind locked doors, it seemed like just mastering the routine of everyday
living again brought him enough satisfaction. Right now he was holding down a
day job and visiting the hospital once a week as an outpatient. When Face
plucked up the courage to tell him about his hopes for the future, he thought
he'd never seen quite such a dazed expression on anyone before.  

"Geez, I think you set my therapy back six months there! You serious?"

"You don't think it's a good idea?"

"Face, you know what I feel about long-term relationships. It's wonderful
loving someone and not wanting to be with anyone but them. Maybe the best
thing in the world, but..." Murdock met Face's eyes and tried again, "Are you
sure it's what you want right now?"

"Sure? Of course I'm sure! Why wouldn't I be?" Face felt his spirits sink.
He'd come here high on enthusiasm, expecting his friend to share his joy, and
instead Murdock sounded like he was trying to steer him away from the idea.
Fervently, he went on, "I've never been more sure of anything in my life!"

Murdock sat down on the old pull-out couch. There were old things and new
things in his apartment, and things Face still wasn't quite certain about the
function of; an idiosyncratic mixture picked up everywhere from Sears to
rummage sales. The whole place closely resembled Murdock's old room at the VA
on a larger scale. Face didn't dislike it. The pilot seemed to find it
comforting, and so did he to an extent. It was homey, somewhere he never felt
awkward or had to pretend. He didn't much like feeling awkward now.

"Murdock, I know what you think! You think I don't know how to commit.
Everyone thinks I can't hold a relationship together two weeks, let alone the
rest of my life. But they're wrong! And I'm ready to prove it."

"Face, I'm just scared that you're gonna go into this without thinking and be
unhappy. I don't want to see you unhappy."

Face's heart melted as he looked into the pilot's dark eyes. What had he done
in his miserable life to deserve Murdock as a friend? At moments like this, he
wondered whether it would be possible to ever feel this close to someone
again. Face remembered all the times they had spent in the cheerful clutter of
this apartment; the beers shared, the movies watched, the nights they'd just
sat on the floor and talked until dawn. He was going to miss this place. But
nothing lasted forever. It was time to move on. Time to build a new life
before it was too late. 

He came and sat on the couch beside Murdock.

"How could I be unhappy," he said comfortingly, "when I'm this much in love?
Murdock, I know I've had a bad track record. But I was thinking about Leslie
the other day. It was a long time ago, but I loved her, and I let her walk
away.  I'm not going to let the same thing happen this time."

Murdock studied his feet. Then he looked back up at Face. "This won't change
anything? It won't stop us being friends same as we always was?"

"Nothing could ever change that! No matter what else happened in our lives.
You know it couldn't."

Murdock was silent for another long moment, looking searchingly into Face's
eyes as if he hoped to read the truth in them. Then suddenly, he gave a broad
grin. "Okay."

"You think I'm doing the right thing?" 

"Heck, why not? None of us are getting any younger! If this is what you want,
well, then it's all I want too! I'm right behind you, Faceguy, every step of
the way! When?"

Face felt relief wash over him like a tidal wave. "Soon. As soon as possible."

"You know, I never helped plan a wedding before, Face. This is gonna be fun!" 

A light knock at the door interrupted Face from his reflections. Ellen
Bancroft, his half-sister, peeked around it. She had been the one to offer her
back yard for the ceremony. Ellen's home here near Sacramento was one of the
most beautiful places Face had ever seen, colorful as a flower garden, and
bathed in the cool shade of oak trees. From the moment he'd seen it, Face had
known that if he ever found that special person, he'd want them to tell the
world about it in a place like this, not the confines of a church or a JP's
office. And with the service he had chosen in the end, it all fitted just
perfectly anyway.

He cared for  Ellen; sometimes it surprised him how much. She wasn't just his
sister, she was his friend. They'd grown close in such a short space of time.
Maybe he just enjoyed having family for the first time in his life. Whatever
it was, he was glad she was here to share this with him. 

"Templeton, how are you doing up here?" 

Ellen never used Face's birth name of Richard as she had never known him as
that. "Richard is a name on a piece of paper," she'd told Face one day when he
was feeling especially schizophrenic about the whole thing, "Templeton's the
person you became, the name that's everything you are. He's the kid who
worried about grades and the school prom, the teenager who went off to
college, the soldier who fought for his country. And now he's my brother, and
I love him and his friends for all they did for me."

Face did a final check in the mirror. "I guess I'm ready. How do I look?"

"Let me see. Hmmm..." Crossing the room, Ellen circled around him, tutting
disparagingly. "You're looking a little flanky today, aren't you? Have you
been skipping workouts since you got measured for that suit? And...uh-
oh...that tie! Are you *sure* that was a good idea...?"

"Hey, I thought kid sisters were supposed to show some respect?"

Face looked down at her as their laughter faded. "Ellen, thanks for letting us
have the ceremony here today. We both really appreciate it."

"Don't be silly! Do you think I wouldn't want to give the two of you an extra
wedding gift?" 

To his surprise, Face saw a tear trickle down her cheek. He fished out a
handkerchief and dabbed at it. "Hey, don't cry! What's wrong?" 

Ellen sniffed, leaning against his shoulder as he ruffled her hair. "I only
just found you...and it feels like I'm losing you again already."

"Ah, you know you couldn't be that lucky!" Face rested his chin lightly on the
top of her head. Gently, he said, "Any home we ever have...whenever you want
it to be, it'll be your home too."

She looked up, smiling through her tears. For a moment brother and sister
gazed into each other's eyes, the blue and the brown that were nevertheless
strikingly similar on occasions. It always gave Face the strangest feeling,
being biologically connected to another human being like that. He wasn't the
kid in the orphanage any longer. He had *family*.

Eventually, breaking the silence, he said, "I guess it's getting near time."

"Yes. It is."

"Is Jenny ready? Did everyone get here okay?"

"Temp, will you stop worrying? The only one not ready and waiting is *you*!
Now get through that door before I have BA come and carry you down!" 

There had been some chat and jokes earlier, but by the time Face arrived
outside, everyone seemed to have mellowed in the sunshine of the afternoon. It
was the kind of sleepy warmth that slows things down, loosens collars and
empties ice buckets. A picket fence burned white against Kentucky Blue lawn.
Chairs were set out under the cover of a tree to give a little comfort to the
handful of formally-attired guests. Everyone had pulled out all the stops
today, even Murdock, who looked...well...different in a shirt and tie, and BA
who closely resembled a local racketeer's personal bodyguard. The rest of the
A-Team had been equally stunned by Face's announcement a month ago, but they
had all stood by his decision. It was perfect. So perfect he couldn't believe
it was true, that he was really standing here after so long, about to promise
himself to the person it seemed like he'd loved for eternity.

Jenny was in conversation with Murdock, but when the pilot indicated Face's
arrival, she came to meet him with the same warm smile that had struck him the
first time they met at this very house. She stood little higher than Face's
shoulder, a pert blonde with unruly corkscrew curls.

"I hear you're a little nervous," she said, lightly touching his arm.

Face let out a breath slowly. "I guess you could say that. And I know it's
kind of dumb. But I never thought it would come this far, you know?"

"I think it's a shock to the system when you first start making plans. It was
for me," she admitted.

"I don't know if I expected to play the field until I was ready for the old
folks home. I mean...I know how I feel. I've known it for a while deep down.
But now it's really happening...it's kind of scary." He shook his head. "Ah, I
guess it's no big deal." 

"You're making a commitment," Jenny said firmly, "that's *always* a big deal."

Face considered her for a moment. "You know, you don't look like a minister.
And you don't act like one. You seem, well, human." 

Jenny del Rey smiled. "We're not all Mother Superior types, you know." She
followed his gaze out to where the others were starting to fan themselves in
the heat. "Are you ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be."

Patterns of sunlight gliding through the trees. The smell of the trampled
grass underfoot and the odd patch of bare earth between hay-dry stems missed
by the watering. His lover's warm hand in his that he didn't want to let go
of. He could feel the finality about it now like a weight, but one he was glad
to carry. No going back. No doubts. In something of a dream, Face listened to
Jenny begin the words of the service. 

"We are gathered here today to witness the joining together of two lives. As
Shakespeare's sonnet says:

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediment. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, No! It is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken,
It is the star to every wandering barque
Whose worth's unknown, although its height be taken
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with the brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be effort, and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved."

Somewhere behind them, Ellen started to cry again. 

"...have asked that all of you come here today to witness their commitment and
allow them to declare their love for one another before those who are most
important to them. Love is the basis of all life, always beginning, never
ending. It binds together two people, it binds together friends, it binds
together all humanity." Jenny went on to explain that the happy couple now had
a few words to say to each other.

Face knew he'd had far too few moments like this in his life. Emotions only
exchanged before in the occasional whisper, hidden under a velvet blanket of
darkness, were stripped and laid open in the sunshine. And even better for it.
They had both decided on their own personal addition at this point in the
ceremony. 

Face cleared his throat as warm gentle eyes looked into his. "...I sometimes
wonder how love can be such a small word, and mean so many things. To me it
means happiness, tenderness and friendship. It also means honesty. Honest
isn't something I've always been in my life, to people around me or to myself.
But today I'm being honest when I tell you I love you." He fumbled in his
breast pocket. "I ask you to accept this ring as a token of my love, because a
ring has no end, and my love for you has no end."

"Templeton" - they both smiled at how formal it sounded - "Love to me also
means sharing. I think that we've shared so much with each other already; the
bad times, the good times, and all those times in between. You're one of the
only people who's ever known everything about me and still cared for me so
much. You're my friend, you're my love, and I want to be with you for the rest
of my life." The corresponding gold band was brought out. "I ask you to accept
this ring as a token of my love, because a ring has no end, and my love for
you has no end."

For a minute, they were the only two people alive in the world. Then Jenny
asked them to please join right hands again.

"Do you both promise to love, comfort and cherish one another, for better or
for worse, as you as you both may live?"

"We do," they said together.

"We have all witnessed the joining of these two people and their vows of love
and commitment to each other. We offer you both our best wishes and hope that
your home will be a place of joy and source of strength to others." She
smiled, a quick lift of her eyebrows. "You may kiss each other if you'd like
to."

Face turned to his partner, seeing a spark dancing in wide brown eyes. "Shall
we?"

"What the heck," replied Murdock with a grin.

Then the pilot's mouth was on his, and Face was kissing him back long and
lovingly. That powerful and tender kiss seemed to say everything, make up for
all the lost years. I'm yours, you're mine. I need you. I love you. When their
lips finally parted, they stood close for a long time, just hugging each
other, until Face heard the sound of clapping. He looked up from Murdock's
shoulder. Hannibal had stood up from his seat and was leading the applause,
closely followed by BA, Ellen and Maggie.

Simply, the Colonel said, "Nice, Lieutenant."

Jenny gave each of them a very un-minister like hug. "Congratulations!"

"Jenny, we wanna thank you," Murdock said enthusiastically.

"No, thank *you*. I'm so happy you asked me to help out!"

Arms around one another's shoulders, they went back across the grass to meet
their friends. Face shook hands with Hannibal and BA, kissed Maggie, who had
done Hannibal proud today in an emerald green dress that brought out her eyes.
But he kept returning back to Murdock's side, the feeling persisting that this
was too strange and crazy and wonderful to be real. He hoped that he wasn't
going to become the insecure one in this partnership, that he was going to be
able to give Murdock the breathing space that he'd gotten used to; the times
alone to think. Right now he felt like he wanted him all to himself twenty-
four hours of the day. There were going to be difficulties, Face could see
that was going to happen now that their relationship was confined. But even if
they had bad times, they'd always come out on the other side. The best part of
any fight was the making up.

Ellen stepped up and put her arms around Face's neck.

"Be happy," she said against his ear.

"I will be," he assured her.

"And *you*," Ellen added, turning to Murdock and prodding him in the chest,
"you take good care of my big brother, okay? Or you'll have me to answer to!"

He smiled. "Yes, ma'am."

She kissed his cheek.

Hannibal lit up his first cigar since before the ceremony. "So, Face, what
plans do you have? Murdock tells me you're not going back to your place
downtown."

"No. It's never been home. I bought it for all the wrong reasons, just to make
an impression. And Murdock's apartment's too small for two people to live in
the whole time. We'll probably end up getting some place out on the
waterfront."

"So I can work on my tan every day," put in Murdock. He grinned wickedly.
"But, Face...the part I'm looking forward to first is the honeymoon!" 

Face groaned, feeling his color rising rapidly. "Not a *honeymoon*! We're just
going to travel for a few weeks. Take some time out."

"Hey, Face, you still haven't told me where we're going. Lemme guess...is it
Niagara Falls?"

"Niagara Falls? Murdock, that's so cliche."

"Vegas, then? I know this great hotel there, name of The Emperor's Palace!
Free champagne and all the Oreo cookies you can eat!"

"Champagne and Oreo cookies? Are you kidding? Anyway, you'd have us flat
busted on the slot machines in twenty four hours!"

Hannibal watched his two junior officers wander after Ellen, who had gone to
prepare the drinks. "BA," he said through his cigar to the big man at his
side, "you suppose they'll ever agree on anything in that house?"

"Faceman's nuts goin' through with this. He's crazier than Murdock!"

"Oh, I don't know. Opposites sometimes attract. I think there's always been a
part in each one of them that needed the other." The Colonel grinned. "It was
a lovely service, don't you think?"

BA just grunted. 

Hannibal offered his arm to Maggie. "Shall we, my lady?"

"Thankyou, kind sir," the doctor replied, slipping hers through it with a
twinkle in her eye. Together, they started to follow Face and Murdock back
towards the house.

***********************************

It was 1AM when Face woke up. Everyone had finally turned in for the night
only an hour ago, but he found he'd already kicked the sheets off in his sleep
and his body was coated with perspiration. Any drop in temperature that the
dark had brought had been canceled out by a similar drop in the breeze. He
tossed and turned for a few minutes, searching for a cool place on the pillow
and failing to find it. Finally he clambered out of bed rather than lay in his
own sweat any longer. He looked out shorts and a robe from the clothes on the
guest room chair and went downstairs.

Murdock looked up when Face quietly opened the screen door and went out onto
the front porch where he was sitting on the steps. He had pulled on an old and
faded pair of jeans, but he was bare chested. He shifted over to make room for
Face as the younger man came to sit beside him.

"Hey," Face said softly.

"Hey yourself."

"Couldn't sleep?"

The pilot shook his head with a smile. "Hot...in more ways than one. Must be
the excitement of the day, I guess, huh, Faceman..?"

"Mmm." Murdock would have to mention that. The thought of his lover just the
other side of the wall hadn't been making the sticky, sultry night any more
comfortable. Face laid a hand very lightly at the small of the pilot's back,
feeling his delicious little shiver and the goosebumps come up through the
sheen of downy hair on his skin. In a low voice, he said, "I wish you'd come
to bed with me."

Murdock closed his eyes with a small groan of pleasure. "Face, I wish I would
as well, I really really do. But we agreed. Not in your sister's house. It
just wouldn't feel good. No," he said after a pause, "let me re-phrase that.
It would feel very good. But it wouldn't feel *right*."

Face sighed. "I know. And you're right. It's only for one night. Hell, we have
to be past the rampant teenage hormones phase by now!" 

They both laughed a little. Murdock slid down a step, resting his head against
Face's shoulder like a child. After a while, he asked, staring out into the
darkness, "Face?"

"What?"

"Where is it we're going next? You never did say."

Face tangled his fingers in the pilot's brown hair. "Well," he said slowly,
"do you remember that week a few years back? When we took that vacation in
Montana. Remember that place in the mountains we rented the house? You said it
was like when God reached down to make the earth he left a hole in the sky and
let a bit of heaven drop through by mistake. You said it was the most
beautiful place in the States, maybe in the world."

"Yes."

"How would you like us to go back there now? This time without looking over
our shoulders for the military."

He was suddenly aware that there were tears in the pilot's wide brown eyes.
"Ssh," he said, hugging Murdock close. "Don't cry. Why are you crying? There's
nothing to cry about any more."

"You would do something like that for me?"

"Of course. I'd do anything for you. Don't you know that?"

"I don't know what to say."

"Say you'll be ready first thing in the morning. We fly up there tomorrow. And
I didn't scam a plane," Face added, seeing Murdock about to interrupt, "we're
flying commercial this time."

The pilot smiled. "You always spoil all the fun, Face!"

"Oh, I think there'll be enough fun for both of us while we're there..." The
lieutenant inclined his head just enough to brush his partner's mouth with a
kiss, so light it was hardly more than a caress of the other man's lips.
Reluctantly drawing back, he said, "Well, I think I'm cooled off a little. You
going back to bed now too?"

"Think I'm just going to sit for a while and watch the stars. You ever looked
at stars, Face? I used to watch them all the time when I was a kid."

"Not lately," admitted Face.  

"Some night I have to show you what you been missing."

There were still a lot of things they had to show each other, Face thought to
himself. But what did that matter? They had thousands of nights left.
Thousands of nights to sit and look and wonder about the mysteries of the
universe, of which the greatest mystery of all was love.

FIN