Quotes: WWF's Greatest Hits
Aired 11/30/99 on UPN
Al Snow and Mankind host. Show comprised mostly of footage from the last two years recapping major storylines and outstanding matches. Footage of: Austin/McMahon feud. "Chokeslam to Hell" match: the Undertaker vs. the Big Show. Hell in a Cell match: the Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels (Badd Blood '97). Hell in a Cell match: Mankind vs. the Undertaker (King of the Ring '98). First-ever Inferno match: Kane vs. the Undertaker (Unforgiven '98). Rock's "This Is Your Life" birthday party (RAW Sept. 27, 1999). Clips on the Rock. Schwarzenegger visits SmackDown. Clips on D-X. G-TV's greatest moments. Ladder match: Edge and Christian vs. the Hardy Boyz (No Mercy '99). IC championship good housekeeping match: Chyna vs. Jeff Jarrett. Birth of Mr. Socko. WWF's more risque moments. Austin flattening the Rock's car.
"Speaking of chemistry, let's take a look at two other cats who definitely had it. First off, there's the caring, the giving, the physically-imposing Mr. McMahon..."
"You are such a brown-noser!"
"Damn right."
-- Mankind and Al Snow
"This man NEEDS no introduction!"
-- J.R. on Austin
"Do you want to see Stone Cold Steve Austin as the WWF champion; yes or no?"
"It's not just a no, it's a OH HEEEEELLLL NO!"
-- unidentified announcer (sounds like Michael Cole) and McMahon
"The old Stone Cold Steve Austin would probably tell you to take this camera and stick it up your ass. The new Stone Cold wants you to take this camera and get the film developed, because this is the ABSOLUTE LAST TIME you will ever see Stone Cold Steve Austin wearing a ridiculous suit like THIS son of a bitch!"
-- Austin to Vince McMahon
"Oh, I'll take it from here, nurse..."
(Vince, in the hospital bed, recognizes the voice and has a two-second period of panic)
-- Austin (dressed as a surgeon) attacking Vince in the hospital
"If you want Vince's eyes to pop out of the front of his head, gimmie a hell yeah!"
"No!"
"HELL YEAH!"
-- Austin, Lawler, and the crowd as Austin beats up Vince in the ring
"McMahon 3:16 says I just pissed my pants!"
-- Austin
"I HATE AUSTIN!"
"Yeah baby!"
-- Vince and Shane as Vince works out and trains in preparation for his match against Austin
"You gotta eat lightning and crap thunder!"
-- Shane's training advice to his dad
"Catch that chicken! Catch it! After that chicken!"
-- Shane to Vince, in the midst a rather unusual training session
"It is Vince McMahon's saddest day! The Rattlesnake is the WWF champion, by God!"
-- J.R. as Austin captures gold at Wrestlemania
"Undertaker, it's gonna be you and me! I'm gonna grab you by the neck, lift you in the air, and I will CHOKE... SLAM... YOU... TO... HELL!"
-- the Big Show
(Big Show snags Undertaker by the throat and lifts him up for the promised chokeslam)
LAWLER (panicked): "He said he was gonna do it; he's doing it--"
J.R.: "The chokeslam!"
(Big Show slams the Undertaker straight through the ringmat)
J.R.: "OH... MY... GOD!! Right through the ring! The Big Show chokeslammed the Undertaker... ALL THE WAY TO HELL!"
LAWLER: "What?!"
J.R.: "All the way through the ring! The ring has been destroyed by the DAMNEDEST chokeslam I've ever seen!"
(Mankind and Al Snow are in a small room, backstage at an arena. Mankind is laying on his stomach on something akin to a padded table, reading aloud. Al is sitting in a chair next to him, while Head looks on from a short distance. Mankind looks like he's in the examining room of a proctologist.)
MANKIND (reading aloud from his book): "The blow to my face would result in one-and-a-half teeth being knocked out, a dislocated jaw, and a hole beneath my lip that I could stick my tongue through." (looks over) "Al, I'm talking about the results of the most devastating type of match in WWF history."
AL SNOW: "Yes."
MANKIND: "The Hell in a Cell."
AL SNOW: "I know. And I've been involved in some pretty devastating matches myself."
MANKIND (laughs): "Yeah, devastating for the fans to watch."
AL SNOW (laughs sarcastically): "Very funny. Let me ask you a question..."
MANKIND: "Sure, Al."
(Mankind is laying on a pad which connects via wires to an electronic board next to Al.)
AL SNOW: "...What happens when I turn this little knob?"
(an electronic zapping noise can he heard)
MANKIND (yelping): "Ow! It hurts, Al; that's not funny!"
(Al laughs wickedly)
MANKIND (as Al continues goofing with the zapper knob): "I'll tell you what else-- a Hell in a Cell match isn't funny, either..."
"Oh, this is bad... this is REALLY bad..."
-- J.R. as a bloody Shawn Michaels staggers drunkenly in his cell match with Undertaker
"WILL SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH?!"
-- J.R. during the Mankind/Undertaker Hell in a Cell
"The most ominous structure ever erected here in the World Wrestling Federation... once you get in there, there is nowhere to go, nowhere to run when that door is shut and padlocked."
-- J.R. on the cell used in Hell in a Cell matches
"Wait a minute... do you think he's daring the Undertaker to start this match up THERE?"
-- Lawler as Mankind waits for the Undertaker atop the cell, KOTR '98
"Oh my God... we need doctors out here!"
-- J.R. as Mankind is thrown off the top of the cell... note that J.R.'s "Good God; they killed him!" comment is absent
"How in the hell is he standing?"
-- J.R. as Mankind pushes paramedics away and heads back for the cage
"Good God... good God..."
"That's it; he's dead."
-- J.R. and Lawler as the Undertaker throws Mankind through the top of the cell to the ring below
"What is that?"
"...thumbtacks...?"
"Uh-uh."
-- Lawler and J.R. in terrified denial as Mankind spreads thumbtacks across the ringmat
"I'll tell you what, folks... in twenty-five years, I have never witnessed anything that even closely resembles what we have just witnessed."
-- J.R.
"The rules for this match, ladies and gentlemen... the first person to set his opponent on FIRE will win this match."
-- J.R. leading into the first-ever inferno match, pitting Kane against the Undertaker at Unforgiven '98
"Kane is on fire! He's BURNING!"
"AAAAAACCCCCKKKKK!"
-- J.R. and Lawler, Unforgiven '98 inferno match
"This is big, Rock... this is your life!"
-- Mankind to Rock, as balloons and confetti fall
"Take a little walk down Know Your Role Boulevard, hang that right on Jabroni Drive, and then proceed to check your Aunt Jemima, no-pancake-havin' ass di-rect-ly into the Smackdown Hotel!"
-- the Rock to his home ec teacher
"The Rock would like to take that whistle you got, shine it up real nice, turn that sumbitch sideways, and stick it straight up your candy ass!"
-- the Rock to his old high school football coach
"And now, in front of all the Rock's fans, you want to serve the Rock a great big piece of that poontang pie?"
-- the Rock to his high school sweetheart; the crowd pops huge and Lawler nearly kills himself laughing
"The Rock has just one thing to say to you... poontang your ass on out of here!"
-- the Rock to his old girlfriend
"Hey, you seem to have something on your nose... no, it's something brown! From being stuck up the Rock's butt!"
"Hey Al..." (grabs a package of buns) "Know your rolls, and shut your mouth!"
-- Al Snow and Mankind, invading a closed concession stand
"How 'bout a cup of beer, big guy?"
"If you're going to make me watch another one of your matches, I think I need all the alcohol I can get."
-- Mankind and Al Snow
"How many championship belts have YOU had here?"
"I've had two."
"Which ONES?"
"Hardcore belt and the tag team belt."
"And who did you hold the tag team belt with?"
"...you."
"EX-actly! But how many times have you held onto THE WWF championship?"
"None."
"How many?"
"None."
"How many?"
"NONE!"
-- Mankind and Al Snow
THE ROCK: "To be the man... WHOOOO... you gotta beat the man..."
(Kevin Kelly flicks his eyebrows as the Rock steps away from the microphone in contemplation and the crowd pops huge)
THE ROCK: "...that's not it."
"I am the best there is, the best there wa-- no, that's not it either."
-- the Rock on the ramp, with a chuckling Triple H at his side
"This is it-- ooooohh yeeeah, dig it!"
--the Rock, with appropriate Randy Savage grunts added (MAN, he's good at imitations)
"The Rock says, know your role, and SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
-- the Rock
"One... two... it doesn't MATTER if the Rock counts to three!"
-- the Rock (as guest referee) to the British Bulldog
"Big Show, you come on down!" (lifts his hands in the air and makes retarded-sounding screams in imitation of the Big Show) "Undertaker..." (takes his sunglasses off and tosses them aside) "You come on down!" (rolls his eyes up in his head and finishes his imitation of the Undertaked by moaning the following:) "DIE DIE DIE!"
-- the Rock
"Oh, dear God... my name's Billy! And I just won King of the Ring! But there's one problem-- everbody still thinks that I absolutely SUCK!"
-- the Rock (imitating Billy Gunn)
"Ladies and gentlemen... ARNOLD SCHWARZENNNAAAAHHHH!"
-- Vince McMahon introducing Schwarzenegger to the ring
"Let's talk about the most devastating group of WWF superstars ever assembled!"
"I know, I know... Joey, Rodney, and Petey!"
"No, those guys are a bunch of possies! No, I want to talk about a force that strikes fear into the heart of man..."
"Steve Blackman's promos?"
"I said a group, Al; Steve Blackman's only done two promos; that makes that a pair."
"Well, and speaking of a pear... that's kind of what the shape of your body's in."
"Shut up, Al, and hold onto my best-selling book that I wrote myself. Let me spell it out for you-- does this make any sense to you?"
(tries to crotch-chop)
"What the hell's wrong with you?"
-- Mankind and Al Snow
"Wait for it; wait for it..."
-- Road Dogg (I think) to the crowd, who is very anxious to sing along with D-X
"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages..."
-- "Badd Ass" Billy Gunn, reading off cue cards held up by the Road Dogg
"My bazooka is locked, cocked, and ready to unload!"
-- Triple H
"Keep off my grass, but don't be afraid to stop by and whack the weed..."
-- Triple H
"Why dontcha talk to THIS right here?"
-- X-Pac crotch-chopping
"The New Age Outlaws always like to kick that shiznit dog-gy-style!"
"What IS shiznit?"
--the Road Dogg and Lawler
"Saw the match, buy the shirt!"
-- Triple H in a backstage interview
"If we can make it here... there; wherever..."
-- the Road Dogg attempting to lead D-X in song as they arrive in NYC
"Road Dogg, Billy, X-Pac, come back up here!"
-- Triple H yelling down into an open manhole
"HEY HEY HEY!"
-- unknown D-X member in "Fat Albert" imitation during the infamous D-X spoof of the Nation
"That's three words; I'm sorry..."
-- the Road Dogg backstage in an interview
"These guys put the "suck" in success, didn't they?"
-- Lawler
"The most controversial group in WWF history was not infallible. Jealousy, greed, and in-fighting would eventually take its toll on D-X. But D-X found that strength in numbers was the formula for ultimate success in the World Wrestling Federation."
-- Michael Cole in the first-ever attempt at an on-screen explanation for the 1999 reunion of D-X
"D-X is back together! Dammit dammit dammit!"
-- J.R.
"Break the wall down..."
-- Jericho's theme on his debut, and one of the biggest-ass pops I've ever heard
"Welcome to... RAW... is... JERICHO!"
-- Chris Jericho
"I am Chris Jericho, your new hero! And I am the new millenium for the World Wrestling Federation!"
-- Chris Jericho
"Oh my goodness; it's a slobberknocker!"
-- Mankind at the announcers' table (note that both Head and a copy of Mick's biography are wearing headsets)
"And they call you the Big Show?"
-- Val Venis standing next to the Big Show at the urinals (courtesy G-TV)
"It, like... is an HONOR for you to sit there and shave my ass!"
-- Badd Ass Billy Gunn to Janet the makeup lady (courtesy G-TV)
"No, I didn't! Of course not!"
-- Al Snow to Head as he picks his nose, eats it, and denies it (courtesy G-TV)
"I think I see something..."
"You ain't kidding me you see something! You see a lot of ass!"
"No, I believe I see a zit..."
"You see a WHAT?!"
-- Janet the makeup lady and Mr. Ass
"Hey, Al... you're not G-TV, are you?"
"Oh, yeah, right. Like *I'M* going to be responsible for filiming myself mining copper. Sure."
-- Mankind and Al Snow
"Have you EVER?!"
"I have NEVER!"
-- Lawler and J.R. in shock during the ladder match, No Mercy '99
"There should be body parts laying everywhere, J.R..."
"And there may be before it's over!"
-- Lawler and J.R., ladder match
"Chyna, the first woman to become Intercontinental champion in WWF history!"
-- J.R.
"I brought you some female entertainment, and I think you know what I mean. She does a trick with a dog that you won't believe... Vince McMahon, say hello to Yurprl!"
-- Mankind introducing a hospitalized Vince to his clown buddy
"Mr. Socko knows you've been feeling mighty bad, so he's gonna give your boo-boo a big kiss!"
"He's gonna what? No, no-- Mick--" (screams in pain) "Please, please leave. Leave."
(Mankind blows on a noisemaker)
"DAMMIT leave."
-- Mankind and Vince
"Thanks for the gratuitious plug, Al, because at the WWF, we usually don't do that type of thing."
"Hey, don't get an attitude!"
"Speaking of attitudes, that is one fine WWF attitude shirt you're wearing right now!"
-- Mankind and Al Snow blatantly plugging all sorts of WWF merchandise
"You never know WHAT the hell you're going to see in the WWF!"
-- J.R.
"You ever been with a ho? You DO know what a ho is, don't you?"
-- the Godfather (footage of hos dogpiling the ref)
"This leg will be known as Christmas, and this leg will be known as New Year's! So ladies, why don't you all come visit the Big Valbowski between the holidays?"
-- Val Venis
"Puppies puppies puppies!"
-- Lawler
"The match continues until one of these ladies has been stripped to her bra and panties..."
"We're gonna be the winner, no matter what!"
-- J.R. and Lawler
"I hate to see her go but I love to watch her leave!"
-- Lawler as a near-naked lady (I think Ivory) races up the ramp in a fury
"I am not going to believe this..."
-- J.R.
"Pete Rose just got tombstoned!"
-- J.R. as Kane lays it on Pete Rose
"Are you the real Santa, or are you just a fat piece of trash? I got a little Christmas present for you myself!"
-- Austin beating up Santa Claus in the ring
"Good God... and he's single, fellas!"
-- J.R. as Pat Patterson strips his shirt off
"The Rock is gonna bury this piece of trash you call a belt, and let it rot, just like your damn career!"
-- a heel Rock to Austin, referring to the smoking skull belt
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