BILLY ZANE:
Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked
for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.
KATE:
Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our '90s audience, because of course
Picasso later amounted to quite a bit, after this boat sank.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO:
Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen
the
many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.
KATE:
Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO:
I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and
again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
KATE:
While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and
looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat
sinks and people start dying.
BILLY:
Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you
saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like
dirt
because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my
fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to
make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an
elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE:
Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a
few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus,
you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate
you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between
you
and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 23,
so we are on his side. Boo!)
(Scene 2)
LEONARDO:
I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on
your
fiancee.
KATE:
So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
commitment
to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the
backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am
the
heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive
me
of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiancee
were
to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE:
Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO:
I agree. First I would like to draw you, though, so of course
you will have to take off all your clothes.
KATE:
But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in, say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for
that sort of thing?
LEONARDO:
I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the
film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo
will
sell out.
NARRATOR:
According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly
what
happened.
KATE:
All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
(Scene 3)
FIRST MATE:
Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN:
Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
ICEBERG:
(hits boat)
FIRST MATE:
That can't be good.
CAPTAIN:
Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE:
(silence)
FIRST MATE:
That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE:
Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?
* * *
(Scene 4)
LEONARDO:
I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
KATE:
That is terrible.
LEONARDO:
Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
behavior?
KATE:
Certainly.
BILLY:
Excuse me, I --
AUDIENCE:
Boo! Boo!
BILLY:
(aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here.
(to
Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my
morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am
going
to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling
with
water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been
mentioned previously.
LEONARDO:
Why don't you just shoot me?
BILLY:
Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save
Kate
from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway--
AUDIENCE:
Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO:
He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE:
Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
BILLY:
I hate you people.
(Scene 5)
150-YEAR-OLD KATE:
And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil
fiancee
and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been
for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and
not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and
I'm
well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a
bath.
Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with
your loud music. Why, when I was - -- hey! Don't you walk away from me,
Mr. Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one. I'll beat
you
in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.)
| Facts and Figures | Making Headlines | Jack's Portfolio | Say What? |