Authors--webmaster Maddalena Romano
I know this is the section of
the website that tells the reader about the web authors, but until I get around
to it (and get a bio for myself and all other contributors), I thought you
would enjoy reading an article I wrote in May 1998 for PHARROUT
magazine. I modified it somewhat for conformance, and removed the images
because I will feature them somewhere else on the site. It gives you a
fairly good insight, which I will improve upon (for example, I'm fairly sure I
messed up the quotes, plus I'm sure I can polish up my story). Enjoy!
And
The Game Goes On...
by Maddalena Romano
HAPPY 43rd BIRTHDAY BILL PAXTON!
May 17 marks the 43rd birthday of who I believe is the greatest character actor of all time, William (Bill) Paxton. Though his career has spanned three decades and about 50 screen credits, it is the 1990s in which his versatility has recieved critical acclaim, and nothing makes me happier. It is my personal belief that everything good that has ever come from my life has veen so because I've been inspired by this man. The following are some of my fondest memories of the man.
When I was a kid, my dad pretty much controlled the TV. So every Sunday, I was watching The Little Rascals, Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello, The Three Stooges, Bruce Lee, Godzilla, or whatever flick was playing on the local station. I remember once during sweeps week that one station was airing a montage commercial of all of its upcoming goodies. One of the bits was this guy saying, "It's finger-licking good!" Immediately, all I could think of was, "Hey, KFC commercial!" and the line sticks in my head for years.
About 8 years ago, I was in high school aspiring to become a comedic writer. My diet included such staples as Saturday Night Live, Second City Television, The Kids in the Hall, Mystery Science Theater 3000, the BBC's Who's Line is it Anyway?, Monty Python's Flying Circus, anything by Cheech and Chong, anything featured on the Dr. Demento Radio Show, and, well, the list goes on. One day, while I'm sitting in chemistry class, one of my classmates starts singing. Head cocked, brow furrowed, I look at her for some explanation of the temporary insanity, to which she replies, "What? It's Fishheads? Don't you know Fishheads?" to which I answer, "No." Informing me that there was a video for it as well, and little embarrassed me feeling stupid that I was a fan of Dr. Demento and still not familiar with it, I set out to remedy the problem. Luckily, at the time, Comedy Central was frequently airing classic SNL. Finally saw the film short. Mouth agape, with ever-so-slight a gleam in my eye, I exclaimed, "I want to do that when I grow up!"
So off to NYU I went. Though I majored in both journalism and anthropology, it was my anthropology major that led to my discovery of Mr. Paxton. One day, while at a friend's house, I was (sorry, Bill) forced to watch Twister. Finding the film flat save for the special effects, I was ready to leave. Suddenly, there he is--a man that bore an uncanny resemblance to this graduate student on which I had a HUGE crush. Needless to say, you could not tear me away from the movie after that. But as I sat there, I demonstrated my true naivete of the man and his work by making the most common error to be made. I asked out loud, "Who is that? Bill Pullman?"
Needless to say, I discovered I was wrong. Oh, but the ignorance did not stop there. I followed this faux pas with the second biggest mistake every new Paxton fan makes, asking, "How come I've never seen him in anything else before." To which everyone else around me exclaimed, "Hello! Where have you been?" and proceeded to name off a list of movies he was in that they know I had seen. I was especially embarrassed that I did not remember him from Apollo 13, because that Christmas everyone else had bought everyone else Apollo 13, bringing the grand total up to, oh, about 10,000 or so copies (we now make Christmas checklists).
So off I went again, this time to learn everything I could about this man. No sooner did I begin then I discovered he directed Fisheads. My respect for the man now elevated him to god-like status. Then I discovered Near Dark. For those of you not familiar with Kathryn Bigelow's crown jewel, its the story of a group of nomadic hunter-gatherers out for blood (literally), set against the viscious red-gold skies of the Oklahoma/Kansas countryside. Low and behold, what do I hear Mr. Paxton say when he decides to come up for air after a good knosh? Among many things, one phrase was, "It's finger-licking good!" I sat back, and I thought to myself, "My god. This man has secretly ruled my entire life!"
And as I watched more of his films, I found more clever lines, in the most obscure of places. To be sure, Near Dark and Aliens have an unfair multitude of these quips, but the following lines that I care to highlight are from films that most haven't heard about but should see. For example:
Traveller
Mark Walhberg: She's beautiful
Bill Paxton: So's the sunrise, but you don't go f*%king that neither!Frank and Jesse
Following Rob Lowe's flatulence,
Bill Paxton: You spoke?Monolith
After he's almost hit by Lindsay Frost's car,
Lindsay Frost: Are you hurt?
Bill Paxton: No, you want to back up and try it again?Navy SEALS
Michael Biehn: God? Come in, God.
Bill Paxton: God here.Slipstream
After a talk with an android,
Bill Paxton: So what do you dream of? Electric Sheep?Mortuary
David Wallace: Stop or I'll shoot!
After he shoots at Bill:
Bill Paxton: They're blanks, stupid.
Well, gone are the days of catching sweater-clad fish with baseball mits. Gone are the day of landing parts through terrorist actions. My hopes are that they will be replaced by equally interesting and entertaining endeavors that do not involve delivering Jay Leno's newspapers.
Happy Birthday Bill. For your sake, the sake of your biggest fans (namely Louise, James, and Lydia), and your lesser-known biggest fan (i.e., me for one), here's wishing you many, many more! And know that my every attempt at sick humor will have been inspired by that lovable "I'm-thinking-of-something-nasty-to-say-and-it-concerns-you" grin that only he possesses.
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