I showed it to Truman, and he is SO HAPPY, he just hugged me and hugged me, then he bragged about how good his you-know-what is! LOL What about my you-know-what?? I'm the one that has the issues, so I am VERY proud of my body right now!
I figure I am due about April 20, 2006. I will see if the dr confirms that or not. But that is a few days before Lucas's birthday (April 22). Of course with my history, I will feel lucky to make it through March 2006, but ONE DAY AT A TIME!
I can't believe it----we actually conceived ON OUR OWN, without trying for months, and I guess I don't need clomid either! I just hope this baby is sticky, healthy, and good sized! I have the test stick in here by the computer and I just can't stop looking at it! LOL
I need to get my progesterone prescript refilled, and it takes them several days to make the suppositories for me. I called, but they aren't open yet! I have enough for 3 more days! Talk about calling it close!
WOW, I AM JUST SO EXCITED!!!!
I called the prenatal nurse at the local hospital, and she was very happy about my news! She wanted me to call the RE and see if she wanted to follow me to 10 wks, even though I did not use clomid this time. I called the RE’s nurse---she was ECSTATIC for me! She checked with the RE dr, and she does want to see me for an ultrasound around 7 wks. She said we could wait on the HCG levels for now---I am happy about that. I found HCG monitoring to be stressful, not reassuring! And it does not change the outcome of the pregnancy. I am not too excited about early ultrasounds after my previous experiences, BUT I’ll get through this too!
My mantra is ONE DAY AT A TIME! That’s how I got through Lucas’s pregnancy, and I can do it again. But more than that, I am turning everything over to God---I have to remind myself of that frequently---and I am going to trust Him to have HIS WILL DONE. Of course I hope that includes keeping this baby, but it really IS all in God’s hands---the best place for us all to be!
Eric overheard me talking to the nurse and asked me about it. So I told him we were having another baby. He was so cute! He grinned real big and goes, "yay!" Then he goes, "so soon!" I said, "Well it takes 9 months to grow inside me, so we won't see the baby until April." He grinned real big! and went back to his trucks. :) A little later, he says, "we are having a baby again!" He is really excited. He's actually said it several times now ---“we are having another baby!” He even went and got out a book we have titled “Hello Baby” and he loves looking at the pictures and talking about the size of the baby now---it’s really tiny still. He even asked me how we found out there is a baby inside me, and I showed him the test stick and told him that the two lines on it mean there is a baby in my tummy. LOL I’m not really sure if he got that figured out or not!
I talked to the prenatal nurse at the local OB clinic, and I scheduled to see her on Wednesday to have my pregnancy confirmed and some initial paperwork and stuff done. I need the drs’ proof of pregnancy for some other stuff I need to apply for now that I am pregnant again.
August 10th. I went to see the prenatal nurse. We must have spent an hour going over my history, which by now is very extensive! This is pregnancy number 8 for me now! She figured my due date at April 18, 2006, but she said she would let my RE confirm it at my u/s. She had me give a clean-catch urine sample, but she said we could wait on my blood work. She had me schedule my first OB appointment in a couple weeks, and we will likely do my blood work then. I am going to be having more frequent dr visits this pg---mostly just for my peace of mind. I found that waiting 4 wks between visits was rather stressful. They may not do much in the early months, but it will help me feel a bit better, and they are willing to do it.
My weight at the drs was 123 pounds. I definitely still have much of my baby weight (fat) from Lucas’s pg. But I do think that is a good thing. My normal non-pg weight tends to run between 100 and 105 pounds. But I was about 115 pounds when I got pg with both my living kids. I wonder if it is significant at all that I was lighter weight when getting pg with all of the babies I lost, but heavier with the kids that lived. Anyway, I think it can only help that I am heavier now. My waist is 34 inches, which explains why my regular clothes just don’t fit! I am already in my maternity clothes, I just can’t stand anything that is even a little bit tight. I am even wearing maternity underwear, because I like to pull them up over my belly. :)
I was able to schedule my ultrasound with my RE for September 1st. I am a little nervous about it---I don't really like ultrasounds since I have not always gotten good news from them. The worst thing I think is having them say they can't find a heart beat. But I will be past 7 wks by Sept. 1st ,and I hope and pray that we will get good news. Think positive, right??!!
When I asked the RE's nurse again if I have to do any HCG levels, she told me that the dr said I do not have to do them! I was so relieved! I really didn't want to do them---i don't think they really have much to do with pg outcome. I mean, my levels were fine with Angel, but we lost her anyway. They said we will just do the u/s at 7+ wks, and they should be able to see how things are from that. The RE is doing this u/s herself! Because of this, I was very limited on appt times and had to take an afternoon appt. Truman took that afternoon off work, and I arranged for Eric to go to a friends house after school. Jamie will come with us---he will miss preschool that day, but it really isn't a big deal at that age.
August 22nd. The last few days I have been in a bit of a funk. Not sure if I can explain all why. I am happy to be pregnant, but sometimes it doesn’t even seem real! I have symptoms, mainly just feeling SUPER tired! But my breasts haven’t been tender this time, well not much anyway. I remember that with Jamie, they weren't too tender, so it likely doesn't mean anything. But it is a distinct difference from Lucas's pg where my breasts were SUPER tender! I am hungry sometimes, but other times not at all. A little nausea, but not much---eating will usually make it go away. Although I thought for sure that my prenatal vitamin was going to re-appear last night! My back hurts sometimes, but I found that moving around helps it feel much better. I am also seeing a chiropractor regularly---it’s possible that the regular adjustments even helped us get pg more easily this time!
A bunch of my friends are having babies now. New babies usually don't bother me, at least not the way that new pregnancy announcements bother me! But I so wish that I didn’t have to wait another 7-8 months to see my baby! I wish I could have it NOW! Of course---full-grown, healthy, bouncing newborn, not premature either! And of course if truth be told, I’d like it to be a girl at that! But I don't think that is possible after 4 confirmed boys (we really don't know what my miscarried babies were, although my gut feeling was that one was a boy and 2 were girls). If I had a girl now, I think I would collapse in shock! LOL And then I would go and give her a nice feminine name and dress her in the prettiest, frilliest, pinkest dresses so the whole world would know without doubt that she is a GIRL! Nice dream, huh?
What I cannot understand is when people I know who wanted a girl finally got one, then they went and gave her a very *masculine* name! I mean, what is up with that? I know current trend is for gender swapping names now-a-days, but it gets almost crazy if you ask me! Besides, if you want people to know you finally had a girl after x number of boys, a nice obviously girl name would prevent a lot of confusion, wouldn't you think?? Of course, no one is asking me, and I don’t having any girls, so my opinion wouldn’t count for anything anyway.
Now back to thinking about boy names---this is going to be really tough this time! It gets harder every time we have another boy. What on earth am I doing this again for???
Sometimes I think that maybe I should have waited until we took clomid. I really felt it helped me avoid a miscarriage with my last pregnancy. But we got pg without clomid this time and I miss having the “safety net” it gave me. At least I am taking progesterone, and I hope that is enough safety net. I keep reminding myself that I had both Eric and Jamie without the help of clomid so I CAN do it! It’s hard but I have to keep reminding myself of all the good things that I do have going for me. And I also try to remember that God is still in control of whatever happens, and I really have to trust Him. Believe me, after 5 losses this is really hard!
August 23rd. My first OB appt. This time I am seeing Dr Stolper. Dr Dewitt was just a bit too negative when I saw her last. She thought I should quit trying to have another baby, and she even suggested that I should have counseling to explore why I felt the need to try again! Oh, puh-leeze! At least my RE and the MFM specialists were very understanding of my desire to keep trying! I think Dr Stolper will be very happy for me---she is the dr who started my induction with Lucas, and she's always been nice.
We got up early at 8 am---that is early because we normally go to bed around midnight or later due to Truman getting off work at 11 pm. My appt was supposed to be 9 am, but just as we were ready to walk out the door and get in the car, the phone rang---it was my drs office, saying they had to make my appt later since the dr was doing a C-section as we spoke. They could see me at 10:30 am. Ok, so meanwhile I helped the boys clean up their mess of toys in the LR. Then off we went, arriving just on time. We got put in a room, I was asked to undress from the waist down, and we waited and waited and waited! Almost 45 mins later the dr finally came in! She said she was reviewing my files and the results of all the tests we had done. She was very happy for me to be pregnant. She did a quick pelvic, and said my uterus felt normal for 6 wks. She did a breast exam and listened to my heart and lungs and all that---everything was fine. She was pleased to hear I had an u/s scheduled with my RE, but she also wanted me to get an appt with the MFM specialist for the end of my first trimester. She was happy I was taking progesterone. I will see one of her colleagues in 4 wks.
August 24th. Last night I had this really weird dream. I dreamed I was giving birth, I could feel myself pushing the baby out! I was having a water birth like with Lucas, and I thought the baby was very small at first. But then the baby was really big, I think he was growing as he came out, and he was born this HUGE baby, I think something like 12 pounds! Yikes! Then within about 5 minutes he---yes it was a boy but I have no clue what we named him---he was suddenly 5 years old, very mature, walking, talking, and going off to school! It was just so weird! Glad it was only a dream! LOL Maybe it was my subconscious trying to sort through my fears of wanting my baby to be born big enough (but not too big,) and also wishing that the pregnancy could go fast to get to the part where I can hold my baby in my arms.
September 1st. We went for our first u/s today with the specialist, and we saw a BEAUTIFUL baby bean in there! The size was perfect for my dates. And the heartbeat showed RIGHT AWAY, just beating away at an awesome 150 BPM!!!! To see the u/s picture, click here.
Before the u/s I was so nervous because of previous experiences, but this wonderful news was just the best I could have hoped for! Thank you Lord God!
The RE gave me a copy of her report to take to my local OB dr. It looks like they calculate my due date as April 18, 2006, based on my LMP. I see my local OB on Sept 20th for a routine checkup, and I go to see the perinatologist on Oct 4th. They want me to have another u/s on Oct 4th. They are co-managing my care, so I will see both the high-risk specialists and my local drs.
My RE was saying that everything looks good now, we just hope it continues. Then she said “it’s really out of our control, it’s in ‘someone else’s’ control.” I said, “I think that ‘someone else’ is GOD.” :) I mean this with all sincerity. Whatever happens, I have a peace knowing that God is in control----that has taken loads of stress off me! It wasn't easy reaching that point, and I needed lots of help from my pastor and some Christian friends who literally prayed me through. But I can truly say it is all in God's hands.
September 7th. I'm only 8 wks, but I got asked yesterday if I was pregnant! My son's afternoon bus driver knew we lost Lucas, and she also knew we hoped to try again. She said casually, "So how are you?" to which I replied that I'm good. Then she said, "Have you been able to get pg again?" And I said, "Yes, I am 8 wks already". She smiled and said, "I thought you looked pregnant!" I said, "Well, I still have baby fat from Lucas" And she said, "But your tummy really looks pregnant!" :) To see pics, click here.
And then today the morning bus driver asked if I am pregnant! This is the man driver, and he said he never realized I was pg last winter (too many heavy clothes I guess), but he took one look at me today and thought, "she's got to be pregnant!" He teased Truman that he knows what we were doing this summer---LOL LOL LOL!!
It’s nice to have something to laugh about. There is so much heartache going on in this country. All those people who lost their homes and loved ones to the horrible hurricane that struck the Gulf coast last week. The news is just so depressing. I have dealt with a large share of heartache in losing 5 babies, but I cannot truly fathom what it must be like for all those poor people. I know how upset I was when our home was threatened by wicked men who wanted to take it away from us two years ago. We were lucky---in the end they finally let us be, and the only thing we lost was some tears and time and money. But now we still have our house, our pets, and our belongings, so we are blessed indeed.
Emotionally, I am really trying to keep an even keel. For the baby’s sake, I can’t let myself get too stressed out. I have been through too much pregnancy loss to allow myself to do anything that could jeopardize this baby. I hope that doesn’t sound selfish. At this point there is not much I can do for the hurricane victims other than pray for them, and for those working in the relief effort. But I don’t ever under-estimate the power of prayer---it really can make a difference, especially when the prayers are for other people!
Physically, I have been feeling nauseous off and on. Some days are worse than others. I take ginger capsules or make some peppermint or ginger tea, and it seems to help some. I had to get out my sea-bands to help me get through some mornings, but I haven’t thrown up yet. I also need a lot more sleep now. I often go to bed after the kids are in bed, but then Truman wakes me up when he gets home at 11:15. :P I don’t really like being awakened, but he insists that it is my wifely duty to get up and fix him something to eat! I try to keep already cooked food on hand, so I can just warm something up, whether soup, or spaghetti or whatever. If I feel like it, I will eat something too.
September 10th. My parents came to spend a week with us, so we did not wait long to tell them our news. When we said we were expecting a new baby, due in April 2006, mom was like, “oh wow, is everything ok?” Dad said, “I figured that’s what you were going to tell us!” We told them we had already had an u/s and everything looked very good. All in all, they seemed quite happy about it. I never did ask my dad how he had guessed that I was pregnant, but maybe he could tell by looking at me! If the bus driver could tell, then dad probably could too. I’m a little surprised mom hadn’t guessed, but maybe she was just so excited to hug everyone that she didn’t look at my tummy. :)
* * * * *
I know I have lots of time before a decision has to be made, but Truman keeps insisting that we find out what the baby is before it’s born! There is some point to this---we did Not find out what Lucas was at our 18 wks u/s, and by the time we knew we were losing him, they could not tell what he was---his fluid level was so low, they could not see. So we had to wait until he was born to find out he was a boy, then name him and bond a little with him before we had to send his body to the lab. Not the best scenario. I remember when we lost Ezra John that we were glad we knew he was a boy and we named him even months before we lost him.
On the other hand, we also found out from u/s what Eric and Jamie were (both boys), and to be very honest, I did not take the news very well with Jamie. I had no idea I would react as strongly as I did, and I then wished I had waited till he was born to find out. I think that once you are holding your baby in your arms after going through labor, then it doesn’t matter so much if he is a boy when you wanted a girl. I am trying to prepare myself for another boy as many people around me are announcing they are expecting girls, and I admit I am not feeling very happy about it! I know that ultimately, I really want a healthy baby, even if it’s a boy and I will love him no matter what. But there is still something deep inside me that dearly wants a girl, and I just can’t ignore that! I was an only girl with seven brothers, and I seem destined to being surrounded by TESTOSTERONE! (so far I have delivered only boys too). It seems mighty unfair!!!
My boys are praying every night for “2 baby girls”---that was their idea, and Eric particularly is very sure he knows he wants a baby sister, well actually, TWO of them! Obviously, it is NOT in my control! We tried those so-called sex-selection methods that you can read about in books (how to time intercourse relative to ovulation to help you conceive one sex versus the other). Our first try for a girl resulted in Jamie, which was why I was keenly disappointed to find out he was Not a girl! All our other tries resulted in 3 miscarriages, so I gave up on that. Then we had another boy who was stillborn. With that kind of rotten luck, it just isn’t worth it! So we didn’t try anything special this time, and I am just expecting to have another boy. But if you are having a girl, please don’t talk to me about it, I just don’t want to hear it right now. :*( And if you are having twins, don't rub that in my face either, since I can't explain to my sons why other people can have twins, but we can't. :(
As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t mind newborn babies at all. But I still have a hard time with other people’s pregnancies. Other people try sex selection and it works for them. Other people “pray” for a girl and then they get it. I pray for a girl, and keep getting boys! Is God playing favorites? I have no idea! I do feel like such an odd-ball though. Other people say they can feel their uterus growing by 8 wks. And they can feel their baby kicking at 8 wks! I must be weird or something---I was always MUCH further along (about 12 wks) before my dr said she could feel my uterus above my pelvis, and I never felt kicks earlier than 13 wks. I am a small girl and I have always had small babies, but I don’t know that it makes such a difference at this early stage. I keep reminding myself that we saw a wonderful heartbeat last week, and my baby was the proper size for my dates. I probably should ignore other people for my own sanity. Once you have been through as much loss as I have, you will never take anything about pregnancy for granted again. I know the risks I face, and I also know what is important to me. I have to keep my focus.
September 20th. I have now passed the 10 week mark! That was my next big milestone, the point of my last miscarriage.
I went for my OB appt today. I was scheduled to see one of the OB drs, but he was still doing surgery so I saw the senior CNM instead. I am supposed to see only OB's b/c of my high-risk pg status, but I really do like this midwife (she delivered Lucas), so I was perfectly fine with seeing her today.
My weight was 124 1/2---I think I lost a pound or two from last time! My BP was 118/70---slightly high for me, but not bad, maybe I was more nervous than I thought! (I tend to get a little nervous until I know everything is ok). My urine was fine.
The midwife wanted to listen for the baby's heartbeat, but she assured me that if she didn't find it with the Doppler, she would bring in the "bedside" u/s machine and look with that. Phew. 10 wks is still early, and they don't always find the fetal HB with the Doppler. She did say that she could feel the top edge of my uterus just at the top of my pubic bone, which is where she would expect it to be. She did not find the baby's HB with the Doppler, so she went and got the u/s machine.
Right away we could see the baby which was much bigger than it was 19 days ago! And there was the heart, just beating way! :D She said it was about 160 bpm! I was so relieved!
I will see the MFM specialists at DHMC for my next appt and another u/s on Oct 4th. And I will see my local drs in 4 wks. For now I am to continue taking the full dose of progesterone suppositories, and then see what the perinatologist says about weaning off/switching to prog shots for prevention of preterm labor. After my appt, I went to have my blood drawn for the regular pg labs that they do---mine weren't done yet.
I feel really positive about this baby. But more than that, I feel at peace that God is in control of the outcome, and He knows what is best! :)
October 4th. Today was the day for my next u/s and drs appts, both at DHMC (1.5 hr drive each way). We get up early, get the kids ready, eat something, and take Eric to school a few minutes early so we can make our appt. Fortunately, the secretary had said it was ok to drop Eric off 10 mins early at school. We got to our appt just a few minutes early, but they want you there early anyway so they can check your insurance etc. Then we wait and wait and wait. I had 3 appts in a row, and soon it was going to be time for the second appt and I hadn't even been called for my first appt! So I told the receptionist, and she says, "don't worry, you will get all your appts, they will all just be later." So I told her that would make us late for getting Jamie to school. She said there was nothing she could do about it! :P So I try not to stress about that!
So we waited and waited some more. Because of all the losses I've been through, I find my appts to be very nerve-racking until the dr can reassure us that everything is ok. I am so paranoid of getting bad news again, especially when I have an u/s! I make my appts, then I don't let myself think about them until the day of the appt---then it is all I can do to keep myself together. My nerves get so tight, my heart beats fast, and many times my blood pressure will be up by the time they take it. I try to stay calm, and pray for strength---but here we have been waiting for almost an hour, and they still haven't called us in! I can't take much more of this, so I went and asked if we could go ahead with my second appt, which was with the prenatal coordinator (and we were already late for it). But they still had to generate the paperwork, and so on, and while they were doing that, I got called for the u/s---FINALLY---an hour late!!!
Thank GOD, the baby looks WONDERFUL! It was measuring beautifully, even 3-4 days ahead on some measurements! I think that is a first for me! My babies generally run on the smaller side, but hey, I'll take a bigger baby this time! The heartbeat was 167! I think it's a great sign. Doesn't necessarily mean a girl though I wish it did---Lucas had a fast HB, while Eric and Jamie were usually 120-140's. Baby was VERY active, moving all over the place! I told baby NOT to try out for the Olympics---we don't want any gymnastics that tie the cord in a knot like Lucas did!
The NP who was with the tech for the u/s kept saying how great the baby looked. I told her I was so relieved (I was crying a little too), and it must be nice for her that she could give us such good news this time---she is the one who had to tell us we had lost our baby in December 2003. She remembered that, and yes, she was very happy to be able to give us good news this time!
So then we went to see the prenatal coordinator. Fortunately, she had copies of all my records from my local OB office, so she didn't have to redo all the history intake and blood work. She just did a weight and BP, and asked a few questions. Then a few minutes later the OB came in. This is the same high-risk dr we saw for our follow-up in June after losing Lucas.
The OB was very happy with the u/s results. We talked about a few things like whether I should continue the progesterone suppositories I am taking. She said I could stop them now, but I am going to wean off gradually. There is a risk of cramping and bleeding if the progesterone is stopped suddenly, so I'm going to do it slowly. We talked about progesterone shots for prevention of preterm labor. My insurance will cover them after 16 wks. I would like to do them. Different drs have different opinions about whether it really works or not. Research shows that it helps a fairly large percentage of women with risk/history of preterm labor, but not all. You can't predict who it will help and who it won't help. They do believe that the progesterone is very safe, so even if it doesn't always work for preventing preterm labor, it won't harm the mother or the baby in any other way. So the dr is happy if I go on the shots, but she will correspond with my local OB because he will probably be the one to actually authorize the shots for me.
I asked if I can take anything for my nasal allergies which are flaring up---she ok'd taking Benadryl. Then we talked about where I will plan to deliver---at my local hospital. I would only go to DHMC if there was a reason I need to be transferred. From where I now live, it's too far to drive while in labor (back when Eric was born we lived much closer to DHMC but I arrived fully dilated and the only reason he wasn't born in the car was that he was posterior!) I will still have at least 2 more Level II u/s done at DHMC, so she ordered those. My next one will be when I am 18 wks.
We finally were finished our appts, and headed back home. By this time we knew we would be too late to meet Jamie's bus for school, so I called the bus co to tell them we would take care of getting Jamie to school today. We also called Jamie's teacher to tell her we would be bringing him a bit late. She was ok with that, and when we got there, I told her the reason we were late, and also that it might happen again because when we have to go to DHMC if they are running late, it invariably makes us late getting back. She was very understanding.
My next appt is with my local OB on Oct. 17th. So far I have had an appt at one clinic or the other every two weeks, and that is working very well for me. Two weeks is about the max I can go before I really feel the need for more reassurance about how things are going. A month would just be too long. I don’t go back to the specialist for another 6 wks, so I am going to ask my local OB if I can see either him or one of the other drs every 2 wks, even if just to hear the heartbeat. They have mentioned that they know how most women who experience loss need a lot of extra reassurance, so I am sure he will be agreeable.
