i need to get laid. such vulgarity based in such truth. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- if i cant myself be something great, than i atleast want to encourage and attempt to inspire those who can be to be so. i dont want to ride their coat tails and carry myself to pinnacles i could not reach on my own. but if i dont possess the necessary talents to say the things i feel inside of myself to say or to change or to create, than i want those who have it in them to fully realize their potential, or give them advice, or encourage them, or help them understand their own. i want others to do what i dream of doing, and if i cant be the one doing it, i want to make sure those that can do. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i need more freetime. because the freetime i have im wasting complaining about not having any freetime. i dont even watch tv. i need to stay home and deal with the fact that i live here. because im running away from everything. and when your running your just going to be constantly out of breath and never able to move on, your running in place, fucking around on a rockign chair, it feels like moving but your sittin gin the corner lauyghing like a fool at your own beliefs of misfortune. well, fortune. but it really is misfortune. STOP RUNNING. be assertive. (but i dont want to cause a confrontation). who the fuck does. but if you dont stick to an opinion, or form an opinion, then your allowing yourself to be pushed around without even knowing you are. strap yourself to a belief, strap yourself to yourself, arm in arm, be DEFENSIVE. it doenst mean your being an asshole, it means your standing up for yourself. be polite, be kind, respect others, but be yourself and dont look away. im fuckign tired of running but never being in shape. (we are coming to the capitol). get ready. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i laugh at myself a lot. and its good to do so. but you should only laugh at yourself in moderation and otherwise enjoy your company, because you cant leave your own side. trust me, i want to sometimes and maybe hope a ride in that guy over theres pysche, he seems cheerful, a go getter, confident with the ladies and a sex drive to match. me, i couldnt care less. and when i do care its catastrophe. show me your revolution and ill try to talk you out of it. im not cynical, im defeated. im fucking 21 years old, and the idea of continuing my life is depressing and terrible. what the hell kind of outlook is this? i gotta try something new. im not going to end life, just i dont want to continue in the vein of this one. i use escapism too often, fine films, fine friends, fine drugs. but then i come home to myself. i lay in bed with myself at the end of everyday without any diversion from my own company. my own thoughts. even when i meditate my thoughts batter me back. iv been diagnosed with having a cold personality which makes me the object of fear and self doubt. i want a hot personality. honestly, these are the names. hot and cold. im cold. whats that about? drugs and alcohol do so well for me because they dont give you courage, they numb your guilt. im %30 guilt. you might think, oh, %30, thats not that much. but think about what the other %70 are. courage, stamina, belief, love, fear, hate, inspiration, perspiration, dreams, capability, aggression, sex, creativity, sex, sex, sex, (lust) sex, curiousity, and lots of other stuff that deviates us from the general norm. there are an infinite number of combinations, more than any fuckign credit card sequence, there will never be a duplicate you, you are you regardless of physical appearance or preference. you are you and no one else will be exactly you. im a guilt minded person with low confidence and high self consciousness. and im beating the shit out of myself because im too scared to move otherwise. FINALLY an answer. and it only took 4 entries. i swear, write out shit your thinking instead of beating your friends over the head with it because youll only depress them further and depress yourself infintiely more. you have the answers inside of you, and even though i know what i am and whats wrong it doesnt make it right. i have to make it right. you have to make it right. hell, you CAN accomplish anything if you work at it. im lazy. so i dont work at much of anything. but i need to work on my writing, i need to work on my abliity to meet women, i need to work on my physical appearance not for the sake of fashion, but for the sake of my own peace of mind so that when i find a women that i want to impress (and not to be impressive but to grab her attention long enough to press beyond the exterior superficiality of my face and my clothing and my body and my taste in music and my ability to create small talk around her choice of beverage or who she knows at a party.. on adn on and on . i SUCK at small talk. and i make jokes during small talk about how terrible i am at small talk (call it a nervous DEATH WISH). because i hope she'll laugh and say, "yeah, me too." but she stares at me oddly, shakes her head, mumbles a falsetto forced laugh and then we return eachother with sustained, "sooooo."'s. sooooo... hah. ok. (FUCK). there goes another. but honestly, something somethign something. what else doy ou want to hear? (changing the lanes). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i need a date. anyone. blind dates. please. honestly. i need to take a risk, i need a life change, and im tyring to create my own but i need help, and i hate asking for help, but since your viewing this is anonymous anyways i guess it doenst matter. but then i feel awful because what if i refuse those who offer themselves to me. does it make me feel better to reject another instead of myself being rejected? NO. it feels worse. i can accept rejection, but i cant accept rejecting another. i bring hate and compassion on myself, and then i in turn treat people terribly... im not a good person. this is just a rant, i was hoping for an answer. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i am my only diversion. we will rebuild and our broken hearts will heal. (we have torn down what is human and replaced it with what is superficial). still we all scream aloud, "is this what you wanted, i am what you wanted, is the the life you were taught to strive for, are these the only answers there are, are these words supposed to calm me." write these words back down, and recite them by your bedside as an abridged prayer. my death will only serve to startle, and then it will pass. today over 22,000 people died in an earthquake. 150,000 people die everyday. you read it. here, read it again. 150,000 people die everyday. averaging nearly 2 a second. here, read it again. 150,000 people DIE EVERYDAY. already you dont care, or care but it doesnt shock you, or it shocks you but what can you do. honestly, probably nothing. im trying to find hope in confusion and im trying to find inspiration in debauchery and im trying to find reason in suicide and im hoping to be inspired by the confusion. and the confusion is hoping to inspire our wallets. dont worry about the news, dont worry about the homicide and general distrust of humanity. DONT WORRY. place another loan agaisnt your mortage, buy a hot tub, lippo some fat off your body and feel better about yourself so you can cheat on your wife. 150,000 people die everyday. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT. maybe im getting seasonal depression. but autumn is my favorite season, maybe this is why i love it. (trees are giving up) join in the fun. no. no. no. 150,000 die everday. actually, i to dont feel this statistic means anything. honestly, its non-applicable. death is part of life. deal. but feel the pain for those who have to deal and cant. theres no reason to be desensitized, violence shouldnt become more acceptable, we shouldnt be content and accepting of lives wasted. i hate the feeling that my life is a waste. (the nites are never over). what do you feel? what drive you? what hobbies do you practice? what loyalties do you possess? what do you excell at? what do you believe in? what do you aspire to be? what do you feel when you read my words? why do you read this? why do i write this? because honestly... i dont feel i have anyone to talk to otherwise. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i try not to think about my life. because thats when i get depressed. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- when we're challenged we're forced to either quit or struggle to better the obstacle. i hate to be challenged. but i need to be. im not even highly competitive, im pretty ok at accepting defeat. i just need to find the motivation/time. and i need to buy a printer. because not having a printer... sucks. i did way too much to my body last nite... i can hardly think. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- these minds we speak of so liberally are more than we could ever imagine. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i used to have this beautiful dream of what the world could be and it didnt come true. (romanticized thoughts and blissful ignorance). only the fools are happy any more. but i cant dare. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im not happy with my life. and i know its my fault. and i know that im missing everything i once saw. and i know that im missing her. and i know that im letting myself down by not acting. and i remind myself daily. and i look at my friends and sigh. and i look at myself and say, "what are you doing? who are you trying to be? what can you really do? why keep lying?" why keep lying. because i dont have anything that i think i have. and my hands are dry. and my mind is tired. and i havent even begun. and i want to cry. but i dont want to be pitied. but i want to be pitied. and i want everything. and i want it to all come naturally. but you know what... im not a natural. im a fraud. and these forgings are running thin. i need this identity to work out. because iv already lost the old one. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (i swear). every time i hear our song i could almost die. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i enjoy the time i spend with myself... until it becomes too much. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- before the internet, before television, before recorded video or audio, before radio, before passports were instituted and entire cultures were represented on postcards... there were people. people living with people, seperate from everything else. this is a time of tradition, when culture was all you had, when the town you lived in was probably the only town you would EVER know, because there were no trains, no cars, no airplanes, there were horses and a 100 mile journey took over 3 DAYS. these were times when borders were defined by SIGHT and not by maps. here, you were raised in a community without much idea of the outside world, you were german and wore heirloom lienerhosen and ate sausages made by your own hands from slaughtered livestock you purchased from your neighbor for 2 chickens and a bag of flour. there may not even have been currency. your life was all you knew, your town was all you knew, there was no such thing as japan or even a language outside of German. what im getting at, what this is all leading up to (because im always taking the backroads to a story and leading up to leading for AGES) is that the only people you ever saw, EVER, were those who lived within 5-8 miles of your home. so, when you saw a woman and you said, "my god (or, mein got), she is the most beautiful woman i have ever seen." you meant it. god honest meant it. there was no playboy, no girl of the month in Maxim, no television personalities or pin up babe. you knew NOTHING of models or singers or any class of woman whom you even in todays era will likely NEVER see. there was no sought out class of beauty, there was no standard or goddess that was thought needed to be achieved. there was only HER. and when you saw her, and you said she was the most heavenly creature you had ever seen or will ever see, you meant it. and you loved her. and you werent fooled by corporate whores who tan down to nothing and slap a redwhiteandblue bikini on and make you salivate for 5 PAGES OF ACCETATE. wow, a fucking photograph, your in love, lets talk about her for the next week. you dont know her, youll never meet her, she means NOTHING to you. yet, yet, now having seen her you will never look at another girl the same, you will compare her to your "perfect" prototype. sucks huh? sucks, SUCKS. i want to erase all the years of media polluting my eyes and mind have experienced and go back to loving the women i know for who they are and what they are and how they look. and beg them not to starve themselves. and beg them to love themselves, because i love them. but they wont listen, and i may not even listen... and is this better? is it better to have seen baywatch and licked your television screen than to see ingrid heinekein and fall to your knees at her crooked nose and plaited brunette hair and round figure. because she, she is a goddess, if only to you. but isnt that all that matters anyway. i believe beauty is in the eye of the beholder, i just wish my eyes werent so weighted agaisnt the way woman look and the way fashion portrays them. those arent women, those are 70 lbs. husks of skin stretched over frames, airbrushed into oblivion and given daily treatments to 90% of their bodies in order to "maintain" their image. dont buy into the magazine model mockery, go buy a book and a bagel. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "tell me more about him, tell me about my son. is he happy? what does he like or like to do? is he doing alright? does he have friends? does he eat? is he taking care of himself? does he still smoke cigarrettes? does he have a girlfriend? is he interested in girls? do girls like him? what does he do with himself? what are his hobbies? what are his friends like? are they good people? oh, i hope theyr good people... but is he happy? is he happy being by himself?" i dont know mom... someday i hope to answer all of your questions personally. (we dont talk anymore... no, i dont believe we ever did). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- this page lacks upkeep because iv slightly transfered from the screen to the much more tangible, much more catering to the predisposed writer, much more aesthetically affluent means of a typewriter. the screen is now a thing of the past. BUT, much like all of my large scale plans of escape from mediocrity iv once more, failed. terribly. i AM lazy. an unneccessary crash landing. i was supposed to have this time alone, to myself... and feel that if i had it would have been GREATLY helpful to my own forming. i need my space. i really feel this more and more. iv only had my own room at home, or as its more and more becoming, my "parents house", from age 8-present. but my room is no sanctuary, it still is decorated exactly as it were when i were a freshman in highschool/middleschool. i sleep there. its a bed room. a room with a bed. there is no solace in my bedroom. my bed isnt even that nice. it hurts my back. im too young for back problems. i think i need to get out more. go running. i know i need to get my bike fixed. i need to write more often. i need to actually get out there and create some stencil work. i keep leaving nites out extraordinarily early. drinking isnt my bag. well, it is. but its not the same. im england... we'd all go out drinking... and dancing... and it was incredible. im having trouble being cohesive back into this scene. the friends are open, welcoming, but im still having trouble. why doesnt rachel write to me? i cant make her write me... but god do i wish her to. school starts TERRIBBLY soon. and then what? god. there are really no answers to any of this. wish someone would speak up. guess its gonna have to be me. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tom is waiting patiently by the phone. i am waiting patiently for the phone to make use of its so called "ringer." but it hasnt been "ringing" or "ring" or "ringer" or "ringed" or "rung" or "rings" or any of the uses it so allegedly performs. no, tom has his phone set to silent, and hasnt a clue. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- there's a reason we don't communicate. but you wont tell me. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and everybody's happy (happy tonite). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- characters. marionettes. i suppose. passion, withdrawel, raw, obscene, experience, these build good decent writing. soo... i should really do something. yes. there, short entry, im convinced. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- nothing says i love you like a heatwave. (freezing inside). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the summer of love, eh? it seems most everyone i know is matched off and in a world of constant ecstacy. not that im bitter and jealous, just curious how i should be taking this. should i feel the need to express myself into another? should i feel like im being robbed of my friends? or gaining a new friend? should i feel alone because i dont too share some individual who understands me beyond sheer friendship? do i need another? do i deserve another? is there another out there for me? and if so, am i holding myself back from meeting them or am i on the correct course? how come everyone has spent these last years searching and finally found their future spouse (exageration, but iv heard mention), and im still sort of... well... not really seeing anyone. i had a girlfriend... but thats sort of impossible to continue at this point. sooo... should i be looking, or stay as i am? am i happy now? or could i be happier? am i in denial? who the hell knows. i just know that there are some things you have to restrict yourself from and im having enough trouble figuring myself out to figure out other people... i have no idea how the world works. i just found out that casual sex isnt frowned upon and girls are ok with it too. well... what if your not ok with it? i dont know what to do. insensitive. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- here, let me top you off. you seem a little low. here, let me pour (myself into) you some more beer. "free drinks". no expenses necessary. just hear me out. ill keep you satisfied if you keep me talking. no ill intention, there are no more underlying motifs to my writings. im upon the surface... and the ground has frozen beneath me. it has to sound desperate, otherwise whats the point in telling? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- our lives... in the greater scheme of life and life here after... are meaningless. absolutely worthless. time will go on, life will evolve and expand and encourage long after you've died; we're talking billions and billions of years. so maybe you can say, "who cares?" well, i do. eventually, according to modern science, the universe will burn out. there is no rubber band theory, there is no reincarnation of the universe once again at the big bang and we al get to hit continue ... this is not a game. the universe will expand, continuessly from whichever point it so begun, and as time moves on and on the stars will burn all of their fuel and extinguish. the cosmos will be pitched into darkness... but you say so what, we can create our own light. fair, we obviously can. and perhaps we also will perfect space travel and be able to mine new planets for whatever mineral or gas we discover is a more efficient energy source. fine, say we do. EVENTUALLY we will use all of it. EVENTUALLY no matter what we will mine the entire universe and there will be no catalyst left to create our power. EVENTUALLY we will eat all food there is to be found in the universe. EVENTUALLY regardless of whatever we invent in the future to harbor ourselves agaisnt this threat of utter starvation of absolutely everything we WILL use up all the energy in the universe. we are constantly using energy and it can not be created... or destroyed, simply used and changed into some other form of energy we require. and EVENTUALLY all the energy EVERYWHERE TO BE FOUND will be used... and we as human beings or whatever we become... will die. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR LIFE IT WILL NOT CHANGE THE OUTCOME OF THE FUTURE OF MANKIND. we are destined to become nothing. choose to live as you wish to live, because regardless of what you achieve or change in your lifetime it will account to nothing; so do what it is you want to do. make it count for atleast one person. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- somewhere in this world which is constantly at all hours of the day perpetually motioning across its crust day to nite in the same manner animals perceive the light change of passing clouds across the valley walls carved abstractly by formless ice cycled through water and oceans and brevity... cycling constantly. we are all part of a cycle, dont get caught up in inactivity (do your part). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- help me, i need an excuse to excuse myself from here. i need an open mind to discuss an idea, to excite the senses, to debate the reasons and create them. i need an outlet to find out if i even have the neccessary components left. i lack passion. i will desire. take me out tonite... iv already been invited but iv lost the confidence. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the material has failed. i wonder if iv done enough with my days, truly done enough. im dying for inspiration, content, context, a reason, a plot a storyline a dialogue a manuscript an opening statement a character sketch a a a a. it goes on and on. why did i pick this fucking major. we're too young to decide deliberately a plan for the remainder of our lives. i used to be so strong into writing, discussing my own positions and inner monologues. now i can barely piece together a sentence. where did i go wrong, what changed. i think i stopped caring. i let it slip away. iv grown hollow. without risk, without temptation... without impulse. where are the worlds i dreamt of that now i let lay? nothing matters, im contented, accepting, melancholy. im bland. tactless. motionless. i need to reinstitute a calling. i need to find my wings. tacks and gumleaves. staples and blood streams. we fall because we cant remain in place. we fall because we've never learned to fly. ------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i cant redeem. just waiting for someone to claim this body. (withdrawal from a life less ruined). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- collatoral. i think you atleast owe me an explanation. twice removed, forever young. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we're smiling without thinking. (thats gratitude for you). informal ineptitude. ineptitude, thats right. i said it. i know i said it, i said it. crikey, my mind is worthless today. too much scar tissue, too many regrets. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- when we cheer, we cheer for vitality. when we mourn, we mourn for abandonment. i cant be left again. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we cant be exchanged, bought and sold at will. there are no return policies, only promises. exceptions... fuck, i wish i could list even one. but here, now, there are only dead phone lines... expired postage, gone off milk. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it wont be as easy as last time; there are certain rules you have to follow. its not the murder that makes you shudder, i dont even flinch these days when i stare into their eyes... those glass fucking eyes, to watch for that second when they light up. like a cataract (give up the) secrets (ghost), expanding. you see.... its the eyes that tell. when a man lays dying you dont watch his hands, his claws, his desperation to grip some intangible element of life. theres nothing there. you dont watch his lips, you dont listen to his final words, some escaping evils of the past (released). a dying man is ashamed to be dying. ashamed to at once be dead. i once killed a familyman, two kids, desk job, mortage, 38 years old (financial insecurity). he told me how he had cheated on his wife for the last 4 years, how he had plans to leave her, didnt love her... didnt need her. his last utterances acting like a mutiny upon his tongue. he spoke of remorse, but not of love. you dont want to listen. the eyes, the eyes speak without the restraint of simple language, language too undeveloped, too undisciplined to desribe the act at all. instead the tongue flops about inside some cankerous cavity, lolling over rotting death and blood, crying if only to be heard (to be heard is to not be dead). but when you stare into a persons eyes as they breathe out what they believe is their final breathe you can see their spirit tear away. for an instant. and you know only because you can see that they know. just for an instant before they inhale once more... hoarsely, tenatively, almost as if practicing it for the first time. just once, inhaling all the air theyll ever need again... and never releasing it for as long as they shall live. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we dont want mass marketed endings. hollywood. storybook. teenybopper. we dont want to know how freddie prinze junior finds redemption or how some 14 year old blonde with a 21 year olds body and a 3 year coke habit can be the bigger person and marry the crippled kid. yes, the crippled kid. we are hardened, world, we are shapeless, world, we are alive and craving. moisturizing, foliating, exfoliating, crimping, brushing, trapping in, releasing, exuding our own chemical snare [scent] of pheromones (oh.), perfumes (how.), body lotions (we.), hand creams (are.), floral masked facial scrub(hungry.).... we are coated, world. fine smelling consumers hoping desperately to be consumed by someone else. touched by someone else. bought by someone else. buy me. we are covered, armored, protected by expectation. you cry fashion (i wail death). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i always cry at endings. i always cry at endings. i always cry at endings. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it was warm there. deep. incongruent. calm and shy, echoing the silent shudder of lips in suspended motion. sleep. alone inside the cavity of myself, 7+ hours of forced introspection, reminders. the dream state. the beyond. i felt myself turn over, but already i was beyond true motion, like a small mass inside my chest spinning on its own right. i felt hands touching, finger tips, soft then caliced. nails. filed and restrained. craving to score my flesh, raking and drawing upon my translucent cocoon. but they were watched too closely to dare. amber in lucid waves, fine stone bubbles sinking like depthcharges but never striking. the beyond. finely guarded in suspense, until one momentary lapse. lost. stepping beyond the velvet rope. here there is no safety, motion sensor cameras, tall men with canes. the nails purge. and scream. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- imagine a city. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i know im better for being here. but i miss all of you who im away from. life should be more choice and fluid. but ill remain here until further notice. i want to watch the price is right. right now. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i want to hold your hand. my vision can not sustain you (bear you) all at once. plus i need glasses. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i blinked. i knew better, i didnt intentionally stare at her. it wasnt a decision of choice, it was a testament agaisnt my will. i couldnt not stare, but stare doesnt even describe the fascinated unblinking molested spearing of my gaze upon her eyes. her eyes because i couldnt tunnel my own away from them (i had lost no/all control). half inhaling half choking i stopped midstride, forgot my beverage forgot my casual tone forgot the room forgot myself forgot to forget and forgot again. the cliche "i could fall into your eyes" had taken a literal meaning, i felt overwhelmed as if having had the wind knocked out of me, startled by losing all breathe balance control sensation ability reason for just a moment before the pain of it all could take over. the body in transition between its normal state and shock. i couldnt find either. i stuttered, shattered, my right knee buckling in its extended step as the glass fell from my unconscious hand. (in the space between its existence and ruin i had loved her.) love that takes years to be planted root stem blossom pollinate spawn multiply understood. i blinked. like an anurism it had exploded inside my blood, fearing no mercy or malice but gnashing truth. the glass the gin the sour mix the life id lead ended. the rare insanity of being when it spouts again anew (yes) life is not continuous but segmented. i felt myself held in place between lives (state and shock). i blinked. the pain set in. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its inevitable. inevitable. ill write you, but today i just want to close my eyes. (brad tried desperately to cling on, a good 40 minutes id give him. if the situation had been more casual and we had been placing bets on how long he'd be able to hold onto that twisted shard of metal jutting from the floor of the pier we would all have been cleaned out. 40 minutes, it was incredible. too bad the emergency response was 43 minutes.) we're all gonna burn in hell (we do what we got to do, we will). hey, come on, lend me some passion and lean on. im all a fluster, blinking, stuttering, channeling between whats right and whats wrong to do what feels right. or what wont be right in the morning. i put too much trust in magic 8 balls. dependency leads to dishonesty. no. yes. what do you think? i think despair is a four letter word and its useless to sit by the lamplight. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ill cast a shadow.(tomorrow is probably still yesterday). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tell her. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my indifference is a well learned and practiced entity, belief, social practice. born not out of itself, but out of its bearers entire antithesis: confidence. i have little. and yet i have much. it is scattered in the very areas where i seek advice or solace. in my behavior, but never in my abilities, in my appeal, but rarely in my fashion, in my ability to speak, but never in my ability to type. i pass by, cross myself, deny myself very agreeable liberties simply because... because i doubt myself. more and more. because i read myself in manners unlike anyother, i watch myself and shake my head. i worry. am i accepted, or hated? is my opinion relish or despised? there is no end to my self afflicted inquiries; my own foundation of self trust and self conscious wrought with weak points. a structure not entirely becoming of my personality. or yet, the personality i aspire to. i believe that it stems from my childhood, growing up unappealing, unaccepted, never despised or shunned, but lightly ignored and hardly acknowledged. no, i dont know whether i believe all of this either. but i recognize my lack of confidence as a lack of personal affection. i do like myself, but i doubt this like. whom do i please if not myself. i look for affection and approval in every person i see. i look for acknowledgement and attraction in the opposite sex. when it is given, i shudder... i know not what is offered or expected. when it is not given, i repose myself. repose? i dont know what this word means, yet i feel an affinity to it. when not given, i accept. i find it easier to deny than to accept. or to accept any form of denial. perpetually. it isnt easy to be humble, to purposefully place yourself below others because you personally believe them better, but are told so. but what if you are told you are better, what if you are expected of to act upon this sentiment. like it is now your duty, your office to uphold and make known your authority, ability, arrogance. i dont wish this. i dont know what i wish. iv asked myself, iv asked others. i find my own to be a need for approval, iv said as much earlier, but also a need for dependence. and in gaining a dependent, gain independence of others. to trade the heart and mind of a single person for that of the worried countanence of the faceless thousands. i worry about myself because i have no window into the minds of others. i conclude all of this in stating, women. and my own despair in attachment to the word. i have found that i am attractive, that i am sought for or after. im trying not to congratulate myself on this. not in a humble way, but in a way that i dont yet understand it, or my role in it. or maybe i do, but where i supposedly should be finding great comfort and confidence in this idea, i dont. there is nothing there. i see women, dozens of women, and i feel attractions. i feel the need to approach and introduce, to learn about them and their personal desires. i want to know what they want, and then i want to be that. but not for them. because they are not for me. i feel that i am very much the conartist. yet inactive, simply honing myself down to be created the greatest image of a man worthy of a women. the woman. but i feel that i am wearing myself away, not in expectation or my own ability, but in losing out on something else. maybe experience, for i feel very unintelligent about women. or my own self in interaction with them. im all edges. iv sharpened myself too far, done too much or acted in such a way that i dont understand my purpose, like an ax which has been sharpened to the hilt. useless. once the perfect specimen, a king among its own, now nothing. im trailing, horribly, but im very confused and distraught. what have i sacrificed? little, maybe nothing. am i terribly selfish, indignant, predisposed to my own whims. i forget myself constantly, play favorites, purposefully fall silent instead of resolute. i prefer to remain unseen instead of heard, hoarding my own opinions and thoughts. i dont defend myself or others, i dont approach those i am acquainted with. i cower. i cower constantly. perhaps i have no woman because i try for now woman. i watch, discourage myself, explain every reason why not and why never. i talk myself down, disbelieving, doubting. doubt. constantly. i want a woman i wont bore of. regardless of beauty, honestly, there must be attraction but i am partial to any. i can not picture a perfect type, a body, a hair color, anything. i want her mind, i want her opinions. i feel incomplete. but perhaps this incompleteness is just my own lack of self... and what is there to offer of myself if i too am empty. i feel the void, constantly. i fill it with literature, i adopt my position as a wallflower among my friends and listen to them discuss current events and recent films. i dont force myself upon them, or worry of doing so. my actions and inactivity among my friends is entirely equal to that of my women. i feel my own self falter, lose interest, unwilling. i do not care entirely for sex. in fact my latest passion and i parted on grounds of there being a lack of it. i feel lust is inspired in passion, and passion in interest. this interest being both the body and the spirit. i want to be inspired, i want everything i lack to be catapulted forward in a life long earnest attempt to be evolving, interesting, growing and never platueing. but i dont have these pursuits, or these motivations at present. i lose myself in my own lack of endeavors. i settle. i compromise. i lay down and let it pass. this isnt my article to take a stand, this is very little than questions and partial answers. i know myself. and i know why i do such things.i need to change. this doesnt change the fact that i want somebody, soon, now. this doesnt change the fact that i am faced with women im attracted to, yet feel no affinity to. no affinity like repose. where is my well, endless, where i can finally rest without worry of others opinions or questions and drink eternally of her until we both pass. this is far romanticised. but i know that when i was with lindsey i was wanting of nothing. she was timeless. she spanned across more lives than her own. and i only wish that i too can claim lives within myself, and be more than i currently am allowing myself to be. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its really quite beautiful actually... honestly, striking. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once, I spent a five minute train ride with a man who lost his virginity in Las Vegas, but not to a hooker. He was the most interesting person I have ever met in my life. I was riding back from Trenton to New York, I had somehow accumulated $65 worth of traffic tickets. The man was impressed with the figure, I didn't even own a car. He boarded at New Brunswick, walked the length of the cabin and came to sit across from me at the end of the car. "Hey there Tone." "hey." he wore tight black jeans, like those blatantly normal Germans who go every thursday nite to the diskotech wear, and a flat black jacket with a sort of satiny finish. Thumbing his nose he picket into his backpack, not black, lavender. "So I was saying, you want the stuff now or at the stop?" I wasn't stunned, I was confused. He thumbed his nose again, "Yeah, eh, the stuff." he looked around, casually bouncing his head in a way that seemed forced, stiff. Nervous. "no." "Ah, coure not. Well. I'm Sam, what sorta stuff were you lookin' for?" He shifted his weight, I shifted mine, "what?" Sam didn't have friends, he had acquaintices. he 'knew' everyone, or atleast thought he did. To him I was 'Tone', like a soft drink. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- id keep on going if it didnt kill me so. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we're so cut and paste baby, except you keep cutting and im falling to pieces. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- when i was 7 years old i watched the easter bunny murdered by 4 men in my backyard. no one believed me. i had been dying eggs in the kitchen on the thursday before easter, my moms very traditional you know; when my brother started acting up. he was only 2 then and still suffered from near chronic diaper rash. my dad said it was an allergic reaction to the baby powder, my mom said my dad didnt know shit about babies. "ill be just back now, alright," she reassuringly patted my head and carried joseph upstairs to be changed. I went about dying my eggs, i remember i was very partial to blue and pink patterns that year because it was the last year i ever dyed eggs. iv learned that children left to their own devices will assuredly do something terribly wrong. so naturally i tried to fit 6 eggs into the blue dyes saucer at once and in a few moments had soaked all the newspapers around me in an aqua-pink oil spil. there was no need for concern, the newspapers were there to absorb the mess; but the fearful mind of a child is a complicated thing and i began to panic immediately. leaping down from my seat at the table i ran and slid across the white checkerboard linoleum to the sink. paper towels, the saving grace of untimely occurences. pulling myself to the counter top, i grabbed the faucet for additional support, i gained my way onto the formica ledge. thats when it happened. i looked out the window above the sink, the one where my mom had her collection of dead or dying cacti and the sunbleached photos of our trip to ocean city, and i watched the easter bunny come running out of the tree line behind my house. he couldnt have been over 20 yards away, and he was moving. i froze, clutching the lazy blue patterned paper towels to my chest like it would in fact do something useful in this situation. he stood over 6 feet tall, easily 7 1/2 including the ears, and ran on his hind legs with his arms windmilling at this sides. he only looked back once, that when i took my eyes off of him and saw the 4 men come out of the woods behind him. we lived on the end of a cul-de-sac, so our yard faced the woods on two sides and was sheltered from the neighbors yards simply by the angles of the homes. he was running to the right side of our house towards the parkers sideyard. i could hear their dog hermes, some kind of terrier, barking hysterically like anyone gave a shit. anyway, the easter bunny, he was moving fast but these men were moving faster. his legs didnt seem to move like rabbits, he ran like i did, but worn out. before he had made it past our house they had tackled him. two of them on top, two standing over him, only a few yards from the window where i stood still hugging paper towels. without so much as a hesitation to catch his breath the man on the right pulled out a knife, one of this big ass ones you see on late nite QVC shows to 'seal the deal' along with 60 some other shittier knives; and plunged it from where he stood into the easter bunnies back. then again. and again. it could have gone on longer, but the next thing i was aware of was my mom rubbing my head as i lay half in the sink half on the counter, still gripping the paper towels like my life demanded it. "honey! honey! Sarah! are you alright!? honey, what happened, did you fall? does your head hurt? Sarah, what happened honey?" i sat up, my right ear was burning and i felt like someone had swung a chair into my head, but i could still picture the men and the easter bunny. "mom, mom! the easter bunny! those men! MOM! MOM!!" i broke down, completely. i think she made out a general idea of what i saw through the sobbing and screaming. for the rest of the day i refused to let her put me down or go outside. she showed me the backyard from the window, my dad came home later that nite and kicked around the woods for a few minutes but came back shaking his head. there was nothing, no dead easter bunny, no men with knives, nothing. for the rest of easter break i didnt go near a window in the house, i didnt go downstairs and took all of my meals in my bedroom or at the top of the staircase. when i refused to leave to go to church service easter nite or eat easter dinner at our aunts my parents had had enough. they told everyone i was sick, that i had a fever and they couldnt leave me. lies, my father hated telling lies. they tolerated me for the rest of the weekend; finally, when told i had to go to school or else, i left the house. my mom walked me to the bus stop, the whole time reassuring me that it was just a dream from when i fell and there were no group of armed men out to get me. i didnt believe her. when i got to the bus stop she left me, claiming she had to go put some wash in the dryer, but i knew she just wanted to get away from me. away from a child who believes that magical creatures are murdered execution style in sunny suburban neighborhoods. i was not alright, everyone was convinced, there had been calls to the doctor, late nite discussions outside my door, even an increase in my daily snack. none of this was necessary, i just wanted someone to believe me. "hiya." looking away from the dirt patch at my feet i returned becky parker's stare. she was wearing a save the rainforest tee shirt, it was the same one i wanted to get until she got it first and ruined it for me. "hi." "why didnt you come over on friday?" becky had invited me over on friday, i didnt go. "i was sick." i didnt feel like talking, i wanted to go back to my bedroom. i wasnt scared, not of the men, i was scared of the easter bunny. why was he heading towards my house? why did those men kill him? what had he done? "hermes ran away..." "what?" i had been staring at her the whole time but only now focused on her pink lopsided lips, so pale, so pale. "hermes ran away thursday, have you seen him?" "i saw him thursday when...," he was there, hermes was there, "...when i was dying eggs." "mom says he'll come back, that he's just out getting some exercise." i didnt bother to reply, i didnt bother to say a word the rest of the day until i came home at 3:30. when becky tried to walk next to me on the way home i pushed her, hard, into a mailbox. for this i was grounded a week. it was worth it. later that nite i was sitting at the top of the stair case, it was my favorite place in the house because you could hear everything from any room due to the pitching and placement of its ceiling, etc. i dont know how acoustics worked, but by the time i was 7 i had learned how to eavesdrop. my parents were talking, it wasnt late but past my bedtime. i didnt sleep well anymore, not even with the lights on and surrounded by all of my animals; im only allowed to sleep with one animal a nite normally. "...over heard it while she was passed out and must have imagined that whole easter bunny story. i mean it is easter, so its on her mind, and how is a child her age supposed to interpret those kind of sounds. it makes sense, we've seen foxes along the backyard before and old hermes was just asking for it the way he goes at anything." then my mother, "i hope its not something else, my brother went to therapy for his depression and it only made him worse." "no no honey, shes fine, shes never had anything like this before. i told you, there was blood in the grass just below the kitchen window. old hermes must have been digging around when the fox came along and then... well... he was old." my dad paused for a moment, i held my breath. "she slipped her foot in the sink, fell, and while unconscious heard the sounds of hermes and well... the fox and, and.. you get it. right? right, honey?" "im just glad its not something else, i dont know if i could forgive myself..." their conversation droned on, barely audible, but i was dead to it, i felt myself spinning. hermes, a fox, no. no. it couldnt be. there were no sounds, just the sight. no. no. hermes ran away, mrs. parker said so. she promised. i woke up in my bed. tuesday, school. before my mom could come in to wake me i snuck out from under my comforter and was halfway down the stairs. i heard her coming down the upstairs hall and jumped the rest of the stairs breaking into a run for the door. i ran doggedly around the house, it was cold enough to see my breath and i was only wearing my pjs, but i couldnt feel it. i ran to the spot under the kitchen window, the spot where the easter bunny was knifed, the spot where hermes was attacked, the spot looked just like the rest of the yard. no blood, no bodies, no knives, nothing. nothing. i sank to my knees, i felt like begging, i felt like asking it to happen again. and then i felt nothing. when doing those pointless ice breakers on the first day of class i always say the same interesting thing about myself; when i was 7 years old i watched a man in an easter bunny costume ran down and stabbed to death in my backyard. and nobody believes me. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- passive. preening (pretentious). "i dont care for the red ones, im more of a cashew kinda gal." discrimination between salted nuts. why are nuts in the meat group? theyr nuts. hah, pun... apologies. tenatively pacing, william brushed agaisnt the desk light, accidentally turning it on. (i love touch lamps). pausing to touch and turn it off he wondered, as he did most daily, why tim used the kitchen table for his desk instead of the one in his room. he no longer bothered to ask because to tim it was quit simple, he liked the chairs in the kitchen better. and no amount of telling him to swap chairs or keep his shit in his own room would change this. tim acted as tim acted, like eating dry ramign noodle packages as sandwiches or refusing to shampoo more than once a week because he read an article once about the natural oils in your hair and blah blah blah. "god, he takes forever." william had grown into the habit of talking to himself from tim, tim seemed to share the space with william without really noticing him. then suddenly he would talk for a few moments about how strange it was for the birds to sing at nite, then resume his silence. from beyond the kitchen door the sounds of drawers and dreshers (dressers) being molested was punctuated by nonchalant singing. random, without tune or complete word. william stared at his left shoe, somewhat worn down along the outer sole due to his walking habits. he had been in marching band years earlier yet still rolled his feet as he walked, wearing down the outer portion of the sides of his shoes earliest. it was a habit he was aware of yet had no control over, much like eating dinner routinely at 5 o'clock ever since he was old enough to be seated at the dinner table. it made him a poor date, so did his nack for coughing indiscriminately at any time. "hurry the fuck up." though he spoke to little else than the wall seperating the kitchen from the guest room, where the intermittent sounds of banging had suddenly ceased. "finally... can we g.." and resumed. "fuck, fuck fuck, you're driving a pin through my fucking head i swear, what the hell do you think this is? we're only going to buy some fucking soup!" yes, soup, tim and william both loved soup. in fact, it was almost all william ate, and occasionaly toast, which he claimed regulated his bowels and refreshed him (whole grain only). the previous nite, in a fit of genious, tim had experimented with mixing different types of soup in the guise of creating a 'super soup.' william hadnt been home while this was proceeding, otherwise he would have quickly put an end to it like he did to all of tims fun. last weekend tim had taken all of the doors off of the cupboards claiming that in the time they would now save from not having to open the cupboards they would gain atleast 3-5 minutes everyday. 3-5 minutes, tim claimed, which they could use to do almost anything. it was the way he elongated the 'anything' that really got to william. he held onto it, embraced, seemed to trace it across the air in front of him with his finger. "anything william, why, we could train ourselves juggle or culture our own cheese!" he had been watchign the discovery channel again, thought william turning back towards the kitchen desk, he always got excited and destructive after learning which way the currents of the atlantic were moving to ruin fishing this year or how many tons of gravel were required to pave a mile of highway. "william, did you know that the worlds topsoil is eroding at a rate in which there will be none left in the next 50 years? 50 years william, and then what? no topsoil, can you believe this?" then he would sign up for a conservationist club, never attend a meeting, but talk about the 'cause' passionately for weeks as if he were changing the planet simply by thinking about it. defeated and weary of pacing, william sat down in the only chair left at the kitchen/desk. the other chairs were too 'crowded' and tim had stacked them in a corner to give his 'desk' more space. william had begun taking his meals in his room at his own desk which now was considered the kitchen table; even tim at his meals at it. resting his head in his right hand he brushed halfheartedly over the pile of papers and pink bits of post-its on the desk. bills, manuscripts with paragraphs blacked out and the occasional get rich quick scheme littered the table. tim had no proffession, no employment, no real cause for anything. he was a floater, a true spirit of his own will. he wasnt exactly A.D.D. and he wasnt exactly uninspired, he just didnt seem to have the commitement to stay with any one thing for longer than a few weeks. this included women. in fact, the last three women william had brought home had been stolen from him by tim. but it was never tims fault, it was just his way. he was quiet, shy, attentive and interested in anybody. it was the way he never seemed to be wanting, never seemed to be turned on by any of woman that got to them. women flocked to him, tried to sleep with him, threw themselves at him remorselessly, yet still tim never had a girlfriend. he simply lacked the will, or stability, or labido. he just... he just.. "alright then, lets be off!" emerging triumphantly from the doorway tim strolled across the kitchen, turned on his desk light and stooped over williams shoulder. gazing across the scraps of paper and pens he focused briefly on any one of them then turned to the next. "you see this?" he exclaimed, pumping williams arm like a child begging for sweets. "this here is a sure fire way to fix the ozone," grinning like an idiot he squated on the floor next to william and tried to gain his attention. william had heard this one before, maybe twice, yet still he listened. when were they going to get soup? where did all the soup exactly go anyway? tim never explained what he did with the soups, just that he found tomato and lentil to go best with butternut squash. these were his findings, 26 cans of soup and all he could report admidst a pile of empty cans was that the spicy lentil in the tomato really complimented the tartness of the squash. william sighed, scratched at his neck and looked tim in the eyes. tims eyes never stayed in one place, but constantly moving along with his hands and mouth. finally though he began to slow and returned williams reproach. "right then, soup?" tim smiled gleefully, and made off to get the car keys. william didnt have the strength to argue about who had a license and who didnt. he stood, leaned agaisnt his chair and listened to tim skip down the hall, keys jingling away, "...right then, soup."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we fold. unconscious remedies, those ideas we could never claim as our own yet have no other recollection of them outside our own discovery. outside of ourselves. intuition we absord, folding, layers and pastoral patterns, lifestyles and propaganda, left carrying placards, postcards and business attire. dressed dashingly. smile, your on candid camera. coat tails and rags, sweeping floors long paced and hard pressed for better time. i believe my walls, my doors and locks, my possesions to provide reflection. simple artistry, like while staring for hours at the pitchforked sky or confused faces of a pond. it comes to you, in ripples, in leaden rings, rasping winds that touch our faces and those along their path. connecting us, briefly, in a shudder. in matrimony. i do, and we go on. its been there all along, youll find it crooked in pockets, dressed in closets and perched upon the neck of the last trailing words. before. before you retire and say, "yes, i do think ill go to bed," but only say, "im out." im out too, theres time for you. but im out.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i should be, more. i should be affected. more. "you're so selfish with your time." i just couldnt care, only to be cared for. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- is modesty modesty when you feel less humble and more anxious. more ambivalent. undid narcissism, yet gasping hard agaisnt compliments and praise. prayer. throwing ourselves laden, griefs, sorrows (pleas) to be undone. pried (pleas) and exposed, examined and made mortal. brought to life, or some mention of life thats better than this one. never understanding that their own life is (exceptional), trying hard to feel uninspired and molested. if we suck you down, vinegar and wine, lose yourself in heavy eyelids. sleep my lovelies, the day is so tiring. and the nites so long. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "they say it fits... if you let it". im trying, honestly. im lying, and i cant help but wish i could cry. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- your a star (so 2nd place)> i know its not so easy when. (cant help but feel isolated). good enough yet? you make it all feel so wrong. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i know. i know. i get. i know. i know. i know. i know. i get it. nothing daring, oh god, ill miss you all so much. (dont let me slip too soon). the entrance spoils out from a flaming match book, i think we'll adjust. oh yes, i think we will all survive. (such talent, your body is a fortress). "worked up, so sexual." shes packing it away, she doesnt want to let the cat out just yet. oh kitty kitty, lets go play. you try to stay calm, watching the dancers grind on the floor. hustle. oh girl, they want it. oh boy, they need it. DANCE!! your dancing like a seizure as your body snaps to the pulse. "casual sex, is it irrational?" lets just fall asleep. the nite is washing over my windows and im zipping down my clothes. posters and symbolism, jealousy and sweat, call me down the aisle ill follow her im thinking (im feeling) no cheating. the lives intertwined through music and drink, drink it up baby, the nite doesnt stop till we get warmer. (till we faint). oh, but iv been so good, "the feeling of sex, is nothing possible yet?" im getting weaker as your eyes begin to scream, ill take you wherever you want to go, just take me with you. constant beats, call me, ill be up im able. (quiver). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- why dont the stars collide? oh, honey. and why dont lovers just hang onto eachothers words like discarded jackets on broken seat backs. and why cant our vision press past the horizon, we know what we have to do (we visualize our reasons). oh, honey, your working yourself up. why dont we ever say what we really mean to (be) say. where are you going away to? its not here, and it never could be. (tell me it didnt mean anything) i could. i could be careless. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- maybe faster yet. baby, why dont we run away. "oh, so far away." we can smother this cold with fire and burn every bridge we cross. theres no need for second guessing (pick a hand, any hand). im holding both, you cant go wrong. "got a family that i never see." do you feel anything because of that? "im nowhere near i dreamed id be." (i cant believe what iv done to me). i know what i want, iv had a chance to take, but iv always held onto the heart break. youll never try again. oh no, im just waiting to come around. come around. come around. im over it (ever the liar). wont be again. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i dont want to talk anymore, i understand you so much better when we are silent. conversing with gestures, speaking in hands, crying embraces, screaming stares, your hands are shaking. "your shaking." i know, i cant help it, oh god your beautiful. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i know something new. (oh no, really, its just for the aesthetic). see right through (right through you). "i hope it covers us all." dont be worried, we have all the time our parents never wanted us to use. there are so many of them. (if only we could save them all). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i hate your insecurity. (tough break). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- but everybody is so scared of this place. i feel emptied. the only thing that we have. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- is this how you cut me down (into pocket size pieces)? so you can carry (me) around your blame and point with fingers into your pockets anytime you feel insecure? im glad to be so helpful, here, let me get that blade ready (dont forget to make the first incesion where it all began). In the heart, through the back. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- like that first light, in the moring. when the horizon pours forth an amber luminescence... like streaming gold from a cask across the valley. briefly kissing each bud, then leaf, then branch, then limb, then root and earth. then me. when regardless of past actions or future goals, regardless of your loves or your hates, you are kissed and embraced in the dawns warm glow (held close, and covered). the dawn has no memory, it is birth. in the dawn i am the happiest (i always oversleep). iv always self labeled "night person" to my being. its when im alone, in solace and reflection. when i dream and wonder and say, hey... what if. when others sleep and dream and imagine. i used to dream and imagine while awake, seeing such ideas and endeavors. but now... now i only dwell, and remember. the past haunts me. the night covers, conceals, hides me away. so i can forget (and remember), so i can escape and confront. the night remembers, it always knows, wherever you are you are within it (it consumes you). the night knows me, it always has. someday i hope to meet the dawn again (like those mornings we climbed the garage, when we felt alive, free, and so in love). someday i hope to see the light when it pushes away the darkness. theres no need to be alone, there is always tomorrow (there is always the horizon). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- his teeth gleamed like empty dialtones. self inflicted sand paper abrasion. see how many strokes it takes to get to the trauma known center of the traumatic. i know such marvelous things, hand tempered copper shaped into wings. "there is no such thing as flight." i soared once, then mistook the sun for forgiveness. there is no such thing as forgiveness in modern romance. only hate, anguish, and excuse. i dont believe this, but the thoughts of one person dont change the actions of thousands. thanks for your compassion, good luck love. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- georgia cloud, let me down. real low, where the sails pierce the waves foaming gown. sit and glow, from above (you are not an enemy). please dont ask me why (im drifting in the tides). pull your eyes and hold the tables down, save a seat for the one who never seems to come around. formulate your plans, everyday a spectacle, cant seem to understand. we talk and say nothing, something, hearts crumbling (dont cry useless), they never taught us to be strong (theres misery in bliss). ill float your hopes, you sink my ships. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ill admit. ill admit that i want to hurt you (make you cringe when you see me). i dont have animosity, im not a vengeful person. i just want to be even. take your happiness in exchange for my own. there are no bars, so be free. you dwell, and keep me caged in. (for all of this). "no vacancy" curses the flickering neon, you cant stay here, you cant stay here (stay far away). im vacant, im available. you can stay with me, oh god please stay (im vacant). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- beg. plead. these paths are one way, please keep moving. but i cant. im injured, look at me, realize something. you are not lovers. you are not lovers. there is no care in compassion, id level all walls if only to expose myself. "isnt it a bit early to be drinking." funny, i didnt think so. (you haunt me). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i just had the most terrible dream, where i wore all of your jewelry, and nobody believed me. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- with knifes on their throats, theyll be proud. im worried that my writing lacks passion. i read back over things iv done, and im no longer proud of any of it. its terrible, repetitious, indignant and cold. even in pain theres heat, intensity... and im lacking all of this. have i forgotten how to feel? im locked down, maybe i should discontinue until i find something once again. find someone once again. this is all so terrible... sorrow isnt complaining. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sat staring at the wall, folding back upon myself. could we all really be upside down? theres perception, and then theres words. (dont come back). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i dont owe you (anything). i cant breathe. sleep. sleep. till we all are set free. "like those mornings we climbed the garage just to let the sun knock us back." we will repair the dusk, dressed in tight bands of silver. pinned to the page. oh, i had such dreams in the nite, i had such dreams. (shes done with cowards. im through soliciting ideas). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- this is just another layer (thats your skin, thats your armor). their gouging out. things. are. never. what. they. seem. in decadant decay. "lets give'm a show". these are our voices, carried beneath the waves. hands tied to hands, "we all go down together," i love you so much. (dont whisper). i cant see you shielded behind layers of (skin) makeup. wash your face dear, but it all came off (it all came out). i keep my secrets. till you scattered your beauty across the kitchen floor. ill never be home again. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the last thing we need is another champange party. yes. yes thats it. lets toast to our lies and sip our sickness through slitted masks with bandaged eyes. fall asleep with the sunrise and hide ourselves against gilded bodies. (like chocolate covered corpses). beautiful to touch and taste (dead inside, damaged and decayed). this little girl died at her 8th birthday party (thanks grandpa). caged in a closet, (with him) "its just a game honey, close your eyes." little girl, give your life away. (mommy and daddy wouldnt have to hurt). little girl pressing beneath the waves (oh honey come back, dont creep below the surface). heres a place where he cant reach you (with those hands... those ugly hands). "why are you so scared to fly?" i never told. little girl, a heart so cold now, grown beyond taste and vile. PALMS DOWN. take root, lash out with nails (splitting on headstones). "when the body decomposes (breaks down) it changes (break down) into fluids, biles, (break. down.) and other liquid mess." filling her legs with the weighted pain (only 8) inside, now a painful dissonance washing her marrow in filth. "if you prick her, will she not bleed?" (if you ask her, will she not (break.down.) drown). swelling inside. this sickness in all of us. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you love to hate. im not afraid. we are possessed, (join the brigade) raving strokes of brilliance. (fuck you, elitist). im the same as you (open the hotel room door), beneath the coat and tie, beneath the bullet holes and razor light. "ill trace your outline first, then you do mine". you know that beauty's gone, covered in nails and violence. oh, look how they all just flail. i cant talk about this right now. "down in the valley, i left my blanket under that tree." like reason in this sickness. like art in this insanity. its the dull edge that cuts them all, (where they mix freely) and run one into the next. "hey, hey miss, want to buy some happiness." iv got some time before class, lets talk awhile. flat faced agaisnt the cobblestone. you cant run, motion isnt. sweet baby child, crying in the cold, did you hear the wind tear his tears away. tears. tears. which do you prefer. tears. or tears. they both end in ruin. tonite we tie off in tourniquets and wait for the sun to bleach away our sadness. (yeah, wont you be here). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hes wrapped in paper bags. pull another pocket and ready the rifles. the world. face. and instigators. "cant you just leave him alone." matches your demeanor. matches your personality. matches to shopping bags. look at him go (up in flames), hes a natural. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pressing against walls (no better than curtains). voices carry beyond cut glass, "hes a monster." i fear myself. "he only cares about himself," (theres no one else to care for), "he drinks in misery like blood". iv tasted blood (like whiskey and dirt). a long. a lone. a long. theres nothing stable to compare. beyond the audiences gaping jaw (iv counted the teeth a thousand times) lies miles of abandoned track. (so who do you love). is this the road ahead? (who do you trust). where could i even begin? (who do you kill). i guess its time. some things i would like to see/say before we close the show. "hey kids, want to know whats trapped inside your chest?" (ill show you). "hey kids, ever wonder where grandpa went?" (lets go visit). "hey kids, do you know whats in the bottles under the sink?" (im gonna open them all up). "hey you fuckin kids, think heaven exists?" (heres your chance to find out). hes a monster, a killer, go get the proper authorities. oh, this towns in for a surprise. (crimes). i cant wait to begin. (crimes). the patience is elapsed, the meter spent, its (crimes) ready. im not serious, im not well. "i just want to join the party." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- id say discover me, or id rather discover you. i may never know. HEY! JUST SCREAM IT TO MAKE IT BELIEVE. MAKE IT BELIEVE. MAKE BELIEVE. its all in your head, just take it all outside. "theres beauty inside." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you wont even pick up your phone. i dont mean any disrespect, but i live to love to hate myself, and your making it all the more easier. "it floats, so lay down and go on." im out of requests, i close my eyes and feel as if im still watching my every step. theres no need for confidence when your falling. i have a few decisions left to make, lets do it together. "who stole my soul". --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fought the world till you ripped your seams and fell into rags, beautiful rags. cant help but lose everything. "atleast your conscious of it all". ill wipe your lenses clear, wouldnt want you to miss a second. lay down dear, dont exhaust yourself. its alright now, it happens every year. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i dont want to feel this way, its harsh how truth stabs. guiltless. repeatedly. haunted. "we are the ones that make you laugh." now forgotten. i dont want to feel hopeless, im not a hopeless person. "deep down, i think most everyone feels this way." really? you drink deep your fears, until they tip out of hand. you can make yourself upset, but you cant make yourself happy. correct yourself. over general allusions to the ocean, water used as point reference, crashing waves. hierarchy. the under tow and regret. foam, breakers, faces and points. smooth like needles, yet chilled and inspired. "more your type" of passion. less like the sane ones, i dont believe theyr really happy. who? "the sane ones, is this even sanity? is curiousity madness" i belong along the tides. wavering, among the shadows on the walls tonite. "be free". who said, "get lost in the hustle and bustle." your meaning. your meaning to escape. (take me with you). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- so i miss you, do you miss me? im not sure how im supposed to act. give me the blow by blow, breaking knuckles or indifferent stares. i will not ask. ill stay home. (if youd call this cage). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we'll do the best we can. ask me again. we'll see. "this isnt all its made out to be." dont worry baby, just hold on tight, we'll make it out of this jam alright. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tell me why your waiting (or what your waiting for) or even where i went wrong. theres a lack of tone here. when its over, its alright. feel the baseboards crackle as the symphony packs to leave, its all over, its alright. i can hardly stand. you speak in antandrums, i cant spell what i dont understand. "i asked around, everyone knows, thanks." when i woke up, all the dogs were barking and you werent making a sound. living along your shadow, its such a long place to hide. its a nice night for a knife fight, the cigarettes are all burnt out, lets dance. dance you fuckers. "still." if we can outrun the water, we can make up for everything. please get up. please get up. explain the bruises on your chest, how could we both break eachother. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you dont even remember what perfect is. "this was your shot, but i grew out of it." how can i save you when you love the fight. struggle, abuse, dont touch me. save me. dont touch me, save me. "i never see you." i read too deep, between lines and through words, till what i see is what i want to see. isnt that considered insanity. who are the sane? those who dont wish for something more, the hopeless, the beaten? i have trouble dreaming. and all i see are nightmares when i close my eyes. my room is haunted. hundreds of soldiers silhoutted, in the basement, waiting. buy me, wear me so i can torture your dreams. im a costume. youll learn from disrespect. i hardly dream anymore, i hardly sleep. i never think to call, i never think to visit. i only want to hold you, and be something. i have trouble being something when i cant relate. if you never take an action, you never interact, you never change the landscape, you never really existed. if no one talks to you, if no one hears you, if the only life your affecting is your own, are you even here? no record, no books, i want to be in your story. i want to be alive. (oh baby, it gets so cold at nite). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- bloody fucking gluttony. eat up, oink oink. "stop saying yor fat, your not fat, YOUR NOT FAT." ears disheveled, oh what, yeah, i know. you know. we all ignore the stains. piled bodies, singing songs, encouragement in sin. go for it baby. tomorrow youll be ashamed, but filth washes away. plug the showers full, let their ghostly corpses flood the drains. each touch a discourse without rebuke, theres no need to hesitate, we all love to love. dont you love to love. fucking whore, we're all whores (to all whores). youd fuck the world without a pause, let the whole world see. aint you such a celebrity. i read about you in the papers tomorrow, your such a star. can i touch your hand, share in your misery, aint the spotlight grand. feel it burn your arms and singe your face. oh baby, your melting, your a flame. oh burn, burn like we all wish to, live so we can live through you. oh baby, your just like all the others, black and dry, carried so easily and scattered in front lawns. left to suffer, dont fight it now, tomorrow ill be you. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ill scream out the words and hear the applause. ill smile and tellt hem theyr great, "your great." thanks, whatever, why does he hang around. i dont want to play your guitar, i hate ciggarettes. just let me fit tonite. and ill stop caring tomorrow. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we have begun. "they're trying to surface." "don't let them breathe." if we know the monster is going to kill us, why even bother. i like the air in the back of my basement. im not trying to be self involved. im not trying to be anything but wanted. "i like me" (i remember). maybe i have it all wrong, or maybe your self possessed. i didnt want her to not come around, i just wanted to get to know you agian. again. am i selfish, i cant tell, but once it was needed and once it was welcome. shes begging to be well, and all i hear is lets get high. i dont bear compassion when im sick, i just want to be well (high). well. we all lie so well. we all lie. tonite, i want to be there, but only if your going to be there. your there, but im still not with you. we're there, but miles apart. self centered, they hate and concede, its all about the style. the style. ill cut my hair, ill cut my hands, ohg od, is acceptance covered in hate. so meager. so vain. suchso vanity. this world is cold, and even more cold is where im finally warm. back where the home is lost and neighbors cry in the halls nite after nite. we step around them, thinking their tears are contagious and we're all caught in some sense of victimization. its the energy, its the blades, its the crimes and the lies. i know you know, i know abuot you. i know about your weakness, and shes been cut off. i know about my best friend, and hes been around (no, hes never been around again). no, we'll never come around again. just kiss her, she doesnt want us talking anyways. it never happened, it never . its alright, i have faith in my forgetting. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i was never cold blooded until i met you. (im fine). the radiators screaming and all i hear is myself. "you stole the covers all nite, i was freezing." hello (dont believe me, im fine). it looks like you managed. does it feel like being alive. i forgot. (im fine). you dont know what your talking about. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- is that your only expression? your right, the good fight went out with (hello) hand to hand combat. "i think bar fights are sexy." (theyr automatic). hello. im still listening. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "how long must i wait". . fuc. fk. fd. ckd. you mention glory, i mention obsession. if all so wonderful, then why are we all so reluctant. her name? if it mattered, i didnt care. if it was meaningless, so was i. still, with 20 strikes. still, with faulted addiction. (it all started from a lack of something better going on). "i watched him fall, and all i could do was ignore it was happening." your ideals, they die so quickly. im crazy about your new color, ((((((((("we all lie so well"))))))))) we're all liars. im crazy about your new color. thanks, i find these tears so ________. doctor. please. "i find these tears (everywhere) _______." doctor. please. kill because we can, live because we cant bear to die. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- history has never been the merciful, but the honest. im not longer historic, but a past unwanted. you call me the modern man. we're doomed. im sorry. i couldnt get it right. for the love of the righteous, he kept pulling all nite. where have all temptations gone, iv followed every spur. theres no more track to leave behind, iv been behind for years. for the love of. is curiousity really madness. i cant help but fight my sanity, im leaving momentarily. (you bled me dry and fed me a taste of your own metallic pain). my home is my prison, id like to see you break out. sentenced, and rightfully so, ill see you buried before i cry out again. flooded, again. if not for the heroic, then for the weak. i pledge allegiance to my own injustice, second to last, ill speak when im dead (text my only vocation). its not a dream, its murder. dont breathe, exhale. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- when she woke up i offered her a bowl of mac n' cheese. she closed her eyes and turned away, she didnt want to heal (not yet). she was going to prolong her pain as long as possible (to remember). to never forget. she wanted to leave it all behind, she knew it would never stop following. ill pray for a deliverance, ill pay for your deliverance. BOOM. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- but but but. shutup. (we stick to the shadows). i look at my hands, but theyve changed. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- dying for your body, or anybody. oh god, if only i could feel her hands. "i think your crazy. maybe." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i loved the way she said tuesday. (until she followed it with "ill be gone"). astrophil = star lover. but you only cared for the clouds. so lets run with that. everyone, everyone around changes. its all very exciting. what is? everything. its all very exciting. "i hope you keep that too yourself." i cant help but try. so in love. if every seed waited to be broken open to grow, our landscape would be a collection of debri. you have to make the first steps yourself, then find the fuel to survive. "everyone is so clear." there is only so much you can depend on, the rest is up to you. "i hate your celebration." well i hate your confidence. and theres nothing i can do about it. lets dance (if only she could say chicago). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- gorgeous people only marry gorgeous people (gorgeous doesn't even rhyme with anything). stop fucking up your life. "save yourself, i save you all the time." "oh shit, there goes the ice...". --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i only want to sleep forever. (you pray for forgiveness, i pray for violence). lets keep changing (until the only people who know our names are) ourselves. the only word that i can say. you grew up in a graveyard, i never knew where. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- please bail me out. im buried for now (youll know where to find me). "older brother, bit by a vampire." its a family obsession. i only come alive at nite. (these hands replace themselves). its all you can be. i can feel myself (drop by drop) condemned. this life is no life. i sleep all day (inside myself) dying to be brought out. your own heat, breathe, blood is all that stirs me. i need, this ruin. (we lay beyond velvet pillows). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- dont worry, i can do all the silencing myself, though i had an answer. if you still want me, im still holding on (still the same). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i used to think like that. i dont know what happened. (smoke screen, the story ends). stamped across battered eyes, "i still see your name." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we learn through visual instruction, watching others fail or succeed, taking notes, moving ahead, wrung by wrung. so is it wrong to listen intensely to music or watch movies. accept them as reality for lessons. most are based off of personal experience, some sense of truth or background story, someone went through this. why else would we watch as much laguna beach as we do? sometimes i wonder that if i didnt address so many of my feelings with music i would be able to communicate or would communicate more with people instead of song. but songs entirely understand, dont talk back other than what you want to hear, and listen. listen. and know. "begging for harmony." dont feel trapped yet, i yet have promises to keep and mile to go before i sleep (miles to go before i sleep). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- is it possible to have passed my prime? my brother breaks down life into several course of life catalysts. highschool to college is questionable, but still important. Otherwise there is only college to real world transition, the marriage transition, and the having kids transition. all steps into the unknown. so... you can age or have to age inbetween these transitions in order to successfully achieve each proceeding event. i guess i feel as if iv already passed my prime and am aging into realizing the real world. so, childhood is over? grow up now? i cant accept this, really? i just feel i need a new level, i either fit in too well into my subjective age/role or not at all. i cant tell, maybe im just over-preparing for the next transition. i think ill be a great husband, honestly, i really hope to. i hope. follow the sun (see tomorrow). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i was wondering about the greater coincidence in life. iv had the, certain people who refuse to leave, who resurface constantly, are handed back to me in order to provide a second chance (encounter). just absurdity ruling life and timing. i cant believe we gained an hour this week. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (as the emotions begin to surface) ill drown them one by one until they talk. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- while we still have time. (spent eighteen hours in a car for three hours of passion). "all you had to do was be there." by following the blood you would leave around the streets of your own hometown. i found you. and i still have nothing to show. "taking off in the dawn (we can hide out there), ill never die young (again), i can live to regret this." i only tell myself to let that go. caught on the chorus floor, let them sing to themselves. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i embrace misery (if you cant have one extreme, you can atleast have the other). sidenote: i find relief and comfort in knowing in years ill read back on this and want to KICK MY OWN ASS for saying such stupid fucked up shit as this. because i know its pathetic and unreasonable and fucking annoying, and i write it for no reason other than to do it. i need a topic change, starting tomorrow. sorry, fuck this entry. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i dont necessarily get depressed, just nostalgic. its the complexities (of myself, life, friends, futures, decisions, risks, comforts, morals, LOVE) that let me link them all together. no dissimilarities, no clarity, simply logic (there is no such thing as logic) tying together like shades of color coded imagery addressed to feelings. there should be a color map of my mind/body/soul. do you have more green or more violet hues to your heart? match up my missing. i need to be a few shades lighter before i can tell you if this even means anything at all. i feel my love is yellow (i couldnt tell you why), complimenting the jetblack heart you adore. "its messed up to be human, sometimes i think we're far too complex to even enjoy life." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i like your smile. want to go get some coffee in the back seat of my car? (even fate needs a whipping boy). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i blend in so well. "how does it feel to be dead?" (is it loud enough to shake you). ...scream... . (what beautiful lies youv been told). this is our anniversary, how can i help but celebrate alone. ill swallow, but ill never die. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "walk slowly, the rest of your life, my dear." all i want from you is your sympathy. feed off of me, drink in my demand for torture and replace it with your own. drink every last tear, flood your veins through. this paper memory is nothing but a ghost of myself. I want to be this miserable, i want to constantly hurt and be seen yet ignored and hurt more. i want and i need yet i want what is worst over what is best. i feel undeserving. "the river will dry up every year." i CRAVE to be saddened by life, i want nothing but this torture. yet... yet i am too weak to subject myself to what i know will be painful, it just happens. it was so right, yet wrong. WHO CRIES MY NAME WHILE IM CRYING YOURS? look out the door, but never step cross the threshold. we beat our fragile fists into our chests, pretending its our own heart beating/breaking. my door is closed, SCREAM PLEASE SAVE ME. (last nite i began screaming help for no reason, with no response. in fact, those around me thought nothing of it, not even as a joke. for minutes. minutes i sat and screamed help) no one came. i condemn myself, willingly. look at me, look at me, then leave. all i want from you is this. fuck, i hate writing the word pain, it isnt even fitting. i crave pain more than love. i am not right. i know not what i am. i know not what i do. (sold your soul for blood and honey). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- these chords replace my veins, and these notes my blood. the title my name, the words my thoughts, the percussion my pulse, the bass my motion, the inflection my feelings, and the screams my screams. we are all screams, compact and controlled. screams. violent and empassioned. throughout the day and dusk, screams held in rooms, screams torn by halls, Screams broken in windows, SCREAMS mixed among gales, SCREAMS MADE DEAF BY INDIFFERENCE. and silenced. and no longer screams, but cries. (and i hang like a star fucking glows in the dark for all the starving eyes to see. like the ones we wished on) dont deny your audience their pleasure, the show goes on. like the microphone stalks left on the stage. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i get upset when im not sad. i sleep well without you. where will i find this end. breton claims logic is useless, that we need to meld our waking and sleeping states together, that a universal reality is the only was to live life without forgotten chance and untapped inspiration. i want to believe. on some level i find a calm understanding to this idea, that i can really explore further and become more in this way. no jagged procession to life, no morning to nite and over again... but a continuation. days dont start and end, but just go on, in your mind. where youll be. with me. where youll be with me. because im sick, honestly. and am replacing my reality with yours. because im lonely, honestly. and am replacing my reality with yours. because im unconfident. and where i thought realizing this was half the answer to a solution, its not. its a deeper defeat... because you know what you are. and what you want. and what you need to do to be it... atleast you think you know. but you dont know. because there are no simple questions and answers, there is no LOGIC to life. breton is right, smearing these blurs between you and i. i dont want (to be) you anymore. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- where are you arienette? we're not special. we're not special (anymore). it will blind us. (ill never be free of this apathy). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I spent 10 minutes searching for your name online. 5 of which was through an online family tree which wasnt even your family, just the same name. i just wanted to feel something, even if it included stabbing pains throughout my entire torso. ill keep the blood in my head if you keep the blood on your hands. i imagine saying something witty, like... fuck, i have no idea what id say. theres nothing new to talk about, even after 2 years. i just want to see you again... somehow. im such a coward. go beat yourself up some more, coward. baby loves his pain. baby loves his pain. it is possible to become addicted to a sensation, misery included. "if it makes you less sad, i will die by your hand." you call this confidence? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pulse. pulse. pulse. beat. beat. pulse. beat. pulse. beat. dont blow it. pulse. beat. pulse. beat. pulse. PULSE. oh god, we're so alive. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fear, sweat (you better believe it's freezing cold), and _______ are just at hand. boy, your conscious will get the best of you. "to that coffin you call your apartment." it seems worse than it is (but mostly the view is accurate). we're all guilty to me. (your not really sure). "ill know... in a few more hours." hello, sensation, how iv missed your ________ (you kill me) grip. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- just to watch me break. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and when you wake up... this will all have been a dream. he hated to overuse the word out of respect for it and himself. not to overdramatize or instill a deeper sense of arrogance, he simply loved to love. and in doing, hated loving too much or too often. yet he loved it all. it could even be presumed he was loved by many, yet loved in love by none (or none to his knowledge or belief). he revelled in his independent forlorn, drank deep of agony and embraced all things somber and melancholy. entangled between mysterious and cowardice he rarely spoke to strangers unless everything in the day pointed to his decision to do so. he believed heavily in signs and fate. if not for fate, he believed, than the idea of love was all chance... and love could never be chance. he never gave up yet never gave anything a chance. he was shut off, too far gone to believe yet too far gone to hold on to anything but his beliefs. a self containing island constantly screaming to be discovered and adored from far simaultaneously. he must be conquered. it was his only resolve. but he understood that if one his equal were as much the same as he... they are both doomed. hope is not just a belief, its a lifestyle. and when you wake up... this will all have been a dream. he only dreamed in still lifes. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- dont you starve for still, passion. delved within pale shells drains fragile red intensity, flecked in momentary bliss archaic frenzy! distilled rapture, mold your vices heaped in battlements. waging crusades, sworn idealistic fury. empty to none. a flourished field razed by independent indifference. you own so many hearts, yet where beats your own? (a certain quiet unconfidence). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- take into your hearts. they found her this very morning, paltered and pale... a lost chord among melancholy words. not but a few remembered her face prior, yet all those who witnessed her fragile cheeks and cracked lips swore her the ideal (a discarded shard of porcelain across uneven stairs). among the early hours she ran, to whom, and her feet too fast to carry. she fell. among kisses and frozen axes (ex-es). some said they heard her cry out before she finally came to where she lay. fabric cross cold stone, swept in puddles of sediment and adornment. not a drop of frail red save for that which touches her foremost fingers tip. she saves her kisses. and cries into the open. a palor. yet the loss, yet the pity (unknown). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- now that the messages are gone. you can go on believing that it really has been so long since youv heard from me. iv grown up, got a wife and kids (that i never see). days abandoned in self interest. come visit tonite, ill make your favorite and listen enraptured to post dinner conversation over tea. i have several kinds. but you never call back (you dont even want to touch me). ill stop calling, torching power lines in self defense. im over it. calling your bluff in self denial. dont kid yourself, la lalaa la la laaa, the words just echo with calm. i could place medians between us, glass panels and concrete walls, but still feel your you. somehow feel your you still. (still feel). sit around, spin around, when your around nothing can hold me down, the feelings that replace the ground. "grover, your all talk..." [ill show you]. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- if the phone actually rang, i think id die. dont tell me the big picture when my eyes are distracted by ridiculous trifles (you find me petty). how can such happiness and such depressions coexist in one body? two roads cross seperate bridges, hidden in bushes lays a symbol. "bridge out". (more lies than you can imagine). we will never know. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a boy you wont remember pacing down the hall into a room filled with abuse. a cruel nonchalant, a practiced sentiment. there is no exchange of vow(el)s, it started way too soon. torn like the decor left strangled along the walls (i dont want you to wonder why). i cant stop feeling like i neednt try, seperated from wondering what if. you want me, you (dont) want me. excuses sounding like the explanations you find at the end of a blade buried in my throat. staggering the words while releasing the pain. exchanging vowels for blood. exchanging vows for drugs. everything which started broken hearted... and ended way too soon. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "i opened up my wallet, and it's full of blood." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- confessions are never silent enough. the past rolls forth in waves. pressing oars made of splinters agaisnt the (never silent enough) undertow. i drift away. towards cities filled with downcast stares. where one individual is anyother and you are all i can picture asleep on coaches in siderooms lined with vinyl (memories). i drift away. in parks where the leaves change past seasons and never go back again. i met the man who once set sail and returned only to say, "you can never go back." planted lips along trails shadowed by sheets; sheets where we once wrote a future that fettered and bleached away in the dawning sun. "there is no permanence." walk into the room (every letter started broken hearted) and ended way too soon. "there is no permanence (here)." she always found a new place to hide away, every day spent searching for her heart ending more empty (but i stood up). its challenge and chance. dont feel you need to reach out, your gonna find that i moved on when i stood up; i drift away and call out, "no remorse, no remorse. i lost her so many years ago, and her screams would reduce you to nothing." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...meet me at my pillow. where in my mind we can atleast talk civily. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- these bitter sensations are eroding what little victory i can award. its not self confidence, its a loss of self. there are no destinations, the map has shed its streets. apparently infinite options, reduced to finite misery. no, you dont get to decide. all decisions are final, and all actions are some remnant of an older glory. a glory from beyond ourselves, a length-linked aspiration shared by millions... if not the world. we are held as many, held in arms, hands, and hearts. always mindful of others. always trapped beneath an affliction (addiction). tracing pathways amongst the traffic, running lines between the aisles and holding our breathes until we reach a darkness which no light can. "i dont want to feel safe with you." (its a lie). "i dont feel safe with you." (another lie). cant we wake up, just this once? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "no, thank you, we're just looking." (i prefer we). and, and. AND; and. and, and these feelings HAVE NOT been in vain. "I CANT HELP IT BABY THIS IS WHO I AM! SORRY BUT I CANT JUST GO TURN OFF HOW I FEEL! you kill me."... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- crashing on the lights. she screams and sees my every flaw. shes (im) too vain to care about me. these are hard times. and her armor is more than my equal. "you are [i am] too easy." i cant be more aggressive, not when the number of losses outweights the number of gains. (i dont believe that {these are the excuses that keep me from sleep}). or when im too much the coward to chance it. or when these nights are drowned with feelings. or when these feelings are as worthless as i feel. "i love the autumn," once these trees have shed their coats and slept, i will have shed my hope. ["autumn is a sick time for emotions." "it's the time when emotions die."] its not enough for her to know its there; im so much more romantic come winter. come winter, ill be gone. (literaly). --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i quit. never. i quit. nevermind. nevermind. i quite, nevermind. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i, i felt the breeze. and it was black (as your heart). and heavy (as mine). we hold our breathe and connect our eyes, there is no consequence before innocence. (in)completely. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we've won. although theyr all shaking their heads. no? but, it was perfect. didnt you see? i dont want to leave the stage (not yet). my best performance. my best attempt. my best friend. someday, rather some nite. comradery is a competition. its just like being alone. "you kill me, you build me up" (just to watch me break). There are no words when there are no opinions. "i cant help it baby, this is who i am." "but i cant just go turn off how i feel." "you kill me (you kill me)." you got some nerve. im so nervous. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and miss you. completely. iv lost my taste for sight. why bother with colors and pettiness. ill acquire a new sense (of me). "anyone can find the same white pills, takes my pain away." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- if we know what we should do, if we meant what we shared in. what about that 'perfect couple' we passed that weekend. we both made comments about how attractive we found the one or other. yet they looked at us the same. we're not them, we're not that, we're just this. still... still, i didnt want to give the wrong impression... i didnt want to get that attached. i only wanted. "scientifically, drugs and emotions are equally addictive. thus the idea of love. you can become just as attached to feeling good as getting high. in the same manner, you can experience withdrawel... loss, pain..".. hope comes from inside. i promised i promised i was done... but i cant tell you from the drugs. i need your hand. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i cant wait till you give (in) up. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you could have them. you could have them all. lovers, stretched beyond compulsion, reason, meaning, wanton lonely addictions. begging to be begged, not only to feel (not only to watch slanted light mount across your floor). but forever to be slighted, self hating and doubtful. to be loved, and to be left alone to wonder. to wonder if these hands are only instruments, and these pillows breed betrayal. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- come on come on come on come on lets go, i swear i wont call you, i swear i dont need (know) you, im only shaking. "your trembling". we're all scared of the morning. its pleasure spiked with pain, these tremors run so deep. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- save all your earnesty, replacing your honesty, it doesnt mean anything at all. i realize that temptation and denial are both key aspects of myself. my own personal repeating chorus of why. i dont want to be the jealousy in forclosure. your reasons are grappling to be grounded, my apathy is screaming to be known. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- there was no need for the casual "excuse me, "im sorry", she winked and swept past. one foot to the next, a tilting jaunt of patchworked skirts and oversized handbags. stuffed to the brim, capped like an vaunting glass of milk, easily an inch over my head. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we crept agaisnt the wall, that one we always forgot to paint and just left maroon, like macaroons waiting tethered to pans to be eaten, slowly, unsurely, impatiently. theres no need for solid walls and soft bedding. the wall is, clothed with shadows. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its a common use tonite. summer sweat, stacking questions... i wish someone else would correct them for once. too much time to spare. drained. lock down the town. there is no one who isnt alone, there is no where to go. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- complacent. im addicted to this compulsion. and in this quiet town ill wait until the victim count reaches 20. then we'll share everything in common, and nothing will be (common) the same again. if you need someone to use, i need someone to want. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- with a certain lack of options, we all become beggars. pressed hard agaisnt choice we accept the only terms offered us. change is a horrible process, atleast that which is based solely within our minds. your perfect, they are out of options. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- she had a way of rolling her eyes while you spoke that made you need to make love to her. she had a way of rolling her eyes that made you realize she was empty. but you didnt, and its ok. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its this fluid, this rythym. yes, we are bullets, accenting ripples coarsely around us. the bringers of seismic vitality, givers of grace. i will cure you, grapple your bloody fingers between mine and we'll pull this trigger together. i will bring a new pulse into your life, the one you use is fleeting. skipping stones and growing rings, the surface settles while the pitched bed breathes shallow. you need this change, let me change you. you never wanted to change anyway. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- take me to the movies. i need a date. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i like your life, i wish you wouldnt fuck with mine. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i never missed a turn, i just waited for the wheel to take its on course. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hate is just love. hate is just love. dont fool yourself, hate is just love. now im confused, something more... like a feeling. tiny screams complete with moving parts. ill try and be bold, like tufts of grass rooting among concrete and city sidewalks. where no mower can lay us down, where nothing exists but indifference and denial. and all the weeds that line this curb alongside me ask not for forgiveness, but betrayel. raise your stalks and sing into their pockets, you. ill wash over us in a steady rain, without breeze, without feeling, absent entirely save for presence. kept quiet like a flower agaisnt your brick walls, unnoticed, unattractive, and failing. the streets may pass by, but we're never wrong, this day that has been avoiding me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sometimes... there is a rare occasion where all of the forementioned stereotypes dont apply. the helpless dont need rescueing, the ignorant dont need educating, the unloved dont need caring. they are the hollow men, the gaudy men, nettling together among thistles and canes. faceplates filled with stars. alas! their lowered facades, when we see behind them, protect the distilled and the false. as matchstick men in paper homes or silent film stars words lost across bleeded screens in battered cinemas. love without knowledge, touch without feeling; amputated means, statements without character. those who have become enraptured with direct eyes, to hope's other stairwell remember us - if at all - not as lost gilded passions, but only as the hollow men, the gaudy men. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i try to tell everyone to take a chance as my farewell trademark, sincerely hoping that they will consider and act on it. but still i act on nothing. i want out. fuck this box and its valley walls. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i wish it were dead, honestly. and if not it, atleast one of us. all we needed was a little comfort, all we found was profound irony and devastating genuis. my wish came true, and i no longer wish to be here. the door is locked, try again next semester. this is a scandal, this is karma for every smile and scar iv overturned. we knew every reason why not to desire, yet every feeling to try. id cut it out if it meant no longer knowing, further more no longer living. but isnt that the only answer? she smiled and claimed it was the truth, i believed it... it took months to find an outlet, it took seconds to feel it collapse. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- they said they need this parking lot, they said we need to leave this all behind. move on to other skies. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i cant waste another minute. black/blank silence ensueing. i need your comfort (stealing your heat). honestly terrified. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- this hollow pounding, your voice is my echo. make me shiver with reverbation, yes, i too was once beautiful. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I want to write poetically and win your heart. but your words are far greater than mine, and im only left with expansion. "you have attachment issues, it wouldnt be good for you." she has no regards. set aside in dull white cages, i cant believe i chose this over expansion. fearful to a fault, never risking, always blaming, always bitching, always flailing. the decay is my expansion. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "lets have a look." pauses to investigate, "you're right, this situation is totally fucked." whats the line down cheek for? guess. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- strike anywhere, light me ablaze to feed your sulfous taste. wrought iron arms supporting bare threads and barred breast. this knife cut fasion lacks compassion. swallowing hands in order to block anything else from our throats. tearing open your neck in a desperate attempt to breath outside of those staggered steps you call life. "look how skinny you are." look what youv accomplished. congratulations, lets throw a party. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- when we learned to speak we didnt learn to listen. holding one esteem only until the next replaces it. she cried for understanding, all she recieved were understatements. not noticing, not trying, not caring. he never loved her, he used her like a living breathing tissue. left holding his semen inside her while he left without even holding the door. holding hands for warmth and comfort, holding a cigarette as an excuse to be rude, holding back in order to stay alive. most everyplace is closed this late at nite, im the only 24 hour establishment in these parts. last pack till i quit, i swear. swear on your every word. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- YOJAIRA!!! How do i contact you? these past entries arent about you or us but about other inner things im laying out to page in order to not have to think about them. how do i feel about you? I love you dearly and wish only that we could spend more if any time together because ps.fu is colder and duller without you here. HONESTLY. I want to get to know you better and listen to music lying on the floor with both of us wearing headphones, not talking, eyes shut, connecting. I care about you and want you to be happy and not hurting but i cant give you what you really want because im finding that i might not have it to give. theres too much distance and a mountain of what ifs... but for the time we did have it was everything. i wish i could just walk down to the meridian and give you a hug then kick it with some horribly terrific 80s flick... but we're time zones away. before you left and those nites and wonderful afternoons we had i did care about you in a much more exogenously erotic way. and my love for you was less a friends love and more a companions. we had, you had, such beauty... and i dont want to think that anything has changed... just circumstance. i want to be there for you and talk to you and anything for you... but i cant be what im not. i love you yojaira, i care about you in the most horribly wonderful way, i think your one of a kind, elite, deep, and a million other things that make this situation entirely suck. SUCK. i didnt and dont want you to leave but... fuck, im sorry i seemed so detached but i dont know how to act or what to say because in a few hours you would be gone. and i was even asked why i didnt take those few days we had as everything and not care about however shortlived it would be and just do it. and i dont know... i was scared and angry that you would be leaving again... not angry but upset. it sucks. i dont want you to hurt and i dont want to lie to you, i think of you as one of the most connected and eye opening people iv ever met if not ever. YES EVER. we share so much and i want to share even more, im definitely coming out to california... someday SOONER BETTER, oh geez yojaira. give me a better way to contact you then IM or this, i want to talk to you. IM SORRY WE DIDNT TALK WHEN YOU WERE HERE! i didnt know what to say but anything would have been better then nothing. i just wanted things to be how they were and i loved just spending an afternoon with you that was so normal but so beautiful. i love spending time with you doing anything as long as we're talking and sharing in it. ill always be here for you in any way you need me, i support you. i support you. im sorry i screwed our chance... life shouldnt be regrets so please dont regret me. what we had was shortlived, but the best thing i can remember. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its not (in) me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- when this expression finally ends ill try to meet you then. and for all i care you can dance among the train wrecks. horrified and confused bodies given hope by mangled steel. never pity. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- bring this along in your travel size economy bag, carry this folded lengthwise twice over inside your latest hip pocket diary, send this to whomever you dare concern with it. its a sultry passion for pain, a discourse and an incongruency. like every movie that made us pray for happy endings cancelled by every life experience that made us colder, harder, dead. i dont want to write about it anymore, so im giving it to you. take it, its intentions are false and so am i. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i love your happiness, i love the way it makes my heart rupture and bleed. we dont need side bar discussions to fill up on when the whole of our tale is vacancy. crippled and crawling, i only now wish for confidence; not to save you, but for my own ruin. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and in this moment... we were infinite. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- to give without fear, to love without limitation, to dream... to dream. i want to give to everyone, i want to be a better person. selfless, indulgent, giving, unconscious. let it be. more later, i need rest. i wish i could bite into your lips, interpret the sensation you give me. nervous tears at all the chapped layers left cold by your heart. cancored betrayels left to fend for themselves. i want you for your subjectivity. your every scream iv swallowed. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- yojaira, you are beautiful! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- but we like it. she doesnt get it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wasting time wasting time la la la wasting time type type type wasting time la la la wasting time. i like : 70's horror movies, adult swim, alfredo sauce, almost famous, amelie, animal crackers, apples, apple juice boxes, art, a-team, baked potatos, balloons, bannanas, bed, beppo, beach in sweats, benches, best friends, bicycles, black and white movies, blood brothers, boba tea, breakfast, brit pop, burritos, burt's bees wax, caesar salad, capers, caramel lattes, care packages, cheese, chick flicks, chambers movies, chinese food, cinema, coffee, collages, college, conversation, cross-dressing, cuddling, cursive, dancing, dark chocolate, death cab for cutie, detroit rock city, diners, dinner with friends, discovery channel, duct tape, ebay, eddie izzard, eggs, empire of the sun, england, fashion, fingerless gloves, flirting, flying, food network, fortune cookies, french toast, fruity pebbles, futons, garlic, girls, graffitti, grandma, granola bars, green tea, grilled cheese, guitar, hand-drawn cartoons, hand-written letters, head-phones, history channel, home, home-made bread, honesty, hoodies, hope, ice cream, impact, incense, indie flicks, jammies with built-in slippers, johnny depp, keira knightly, keith haring, knitting, lancers, late nite, live shows, love, magazines, mail, mint, main street, mix tapes, mixed drinks, mp3 players, muffins, musicals, my feet on the dash, my so-called life, naps, necklaces, neutral milk hotel, new music, newsies, nintendo, oatmeal raisin cookies, old cameras, old favorites, onions, original movie scores, passion, p.c.u., peanut butter, permanent markers, pets, pez, photography, pickles, pizza, poetry, porch swings, postcards, procrastination, provolone, public speakers, puma, radiohead, random phone calls, quilts, raquetball, reading, receipts, record shops, road trips, romantics, rubber duckys, sailng, scarves, sidewalk chalk, silent films, singing outloud, sing-alongs, skipping, sleeping, slurpees, soup, soy milk, spaghetti-o's, street performers, student actors, subtitles, susan sarandon, sushi, swing dancing, tea, the beatles, the local scene at home, thrift stores, thursday, tight tshirts, toffee, trainspotting, tv on the radio, uniform sweaters, velcro, vintage, vinyl, vodka, wakings life, walking, weezer. wet hot american summer, whale rider, white stripes, wind, winter vests, women, woods, woolen hats, working out, writing, xeroxed show flyers, yogurt, you, zoobalee zoo. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- searching the sky for voltage, pulling lightning through our bodies to feel anything like you. iv been numb for so long i almost want you to hurt me just to feel. ill make myself a martyr and lead by example. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- everyone has a goal in life. mines not to get caught. some risks aren't worth taking, a life of regrets traded for a life of forced promises. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- dont turn to me and turn away, its all in my head but iv got no one else to talk to but myself. i understand that you cant be understood. i cant be either, but my reasons are so bare that we all recognize them. all these good things, all these sunny days, ill see you again. i cant wait forever anymore, say all the words and ill say good nite. it doesnt matter, what do i know. i see a trend. i dont remember anymore. she said, i never know. desperate to hear the sound of your breathe. how does she do it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- havent written passionately in some time. my internet is being taxing so while waiting for my full page to load so i could save it i was reading over some of my REALLY old stuff from last year and i miss that type of verbal catastrophe. i need a new start... iv been running out on this tank for far too long. do anything to feel full again. ill tell you i love her. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- your best advice. sit still and wait out the shadows. is this your so called love? choking you down, that hit meant something baby. i met you in my mouth, now all i want is out. oh youll be... oh you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- They installed the streetlamps to revive the once vibrant night-time atmosphere of Hatboro. Thirty years ago this main stretch of York road was lined with classic cars and hot rods every Wednesday and Friday night. But these days the mom and pop shops scattered along the sidewalks still close at 5 O�clock, leaving little else to frequent but a 7-11 and CVS. The town had pumped 1.5 million dollars into recreating that nostalgic 70�s look in hopes of bringing back the community and sales, but the ivy colored, wrought-iron streetlamps paced every 20 yards did little but illuminate the, �closed till morning,� signs in every store front. I didn�t mind. I wasn�t from Hatboro, I was from the next town over, Horsham. We shared the same school district so I had many friends who lived here and found myself walking along the empty sidewalks many a night. School was supposed to have started three days ago but the night before opening day somebody had put krazy-glue in every lock around the building. The school tried to cover it up and say that they weren�t opening for a few days due to new wiring for the computer lab, but we all knew the truth. Though no one I knew was exactly sure who had done it, it delayed school for now and we were thankful. I stirred my slurpee as I sat under the green gilded streetlamp (number 137, they were all numbered) and read over the epitaph on the bench, �Dedicated to John R. Sufgate. 1928 � 1997. Hatboro Lions Club.� I wonder if John had ever thought that his annual lions club membership fee would one day pay for a bench. I liked benches, I was always a sitter and not a stander. Not that I wasn�t motivated or was lazy, just that I liked the perspective a bench provided. A good two feet below eye level, it sort of took you off the plane of things, you were part of the landscape and not a player upon it. It reminded me of those pieces in chess which had already fallen; who now resided next to the board and watched without cheer as the rest of their team fought on. I liked chess, but was better at checkers. The digital clock above Hatboro Savings and Loans flickered indecisively between announcing the time and the temperature. I didn�t care so much about how warm it was, I was comfortable, but the time interested me. It was 9:46. I had no curfew; not to say my parents trusted me, I know they didn�t; a fact my mom was more than pleased to recite to me weekly. Not that I wasn�t a good kid, just that I wasn�t as good of hiding my life from my parents as my older brother and sister were. When you are the youngest and always see your siblings being �honest� you develop an honesty yourself. It�s only later after you discover this honesty is false that your own valor for the truth seems worthless. I had been honest about my whereabouts and doings all my life, I had never done anything illegal and spent most of my time reading, yet I was the one who wasn�t trusted. I took this to heart as a metaphor for life, those who work the hardest are beaten back the hardest, while those who spend their time concealing and charming others have the door opened for them. I don�t regret my honesty, I just find it amusing. 9:48, I watched two cars go by, grey and red. I recognized the one as a Saturn from t.v., I wasn�t a car guy so I could do little else to identify it, but I liked cars. I liked how they were a traveling custom environment complete with soundtracks, the driver�s personality shown in both the way he drives and his presentation of his car. I don�t have a car, still don�t have a car, I drive the family mini-van complete with battle damage. Ever see those jurrasic park dinosaur action figures that had removeable parts on their skin so you�d see bones and blood, it was called �battle damage.� Our van had torn away paint all over it, it reminded me a lot of that, our van had been through a lot, and I respected it for that. Across the street the only other business still open, Wendy�s, regurgitated out its latest transaction. I remember one time listening to a man talk about how wrong fast food chains were to the environment, both in the waste of packaging they used as in the waste of food. Food purchased at dirt prices from non-local farmers and then injected with countless chemicals to �make it better.� It didn�t stop me from going to fast food, I was vegetarian so I didn�t really eat anything more than baked potatoes or bean and cheese burritos from fast food places, but I always thought about it when I walked into them. I liked Wendy�s, I liked how much I hated Dave Thomas on his commercials and how no matter how many years he spent in the media with all his fortune his acting never improved. I liked how his chain used to use a Pippy-Long-Stocking look-alike as their icon. I liked how the name Wendy was created by J.M. Barrie for his book, �Peter Pan� and how it made me want to make-up names for my kids. I didn�t have any hatred towards fast food, I just liked how passionate that man was. �Hey, got a light.� I jumped as I turned to see a twenty-something man in a pea coat standing behind my bench. He held an unlit cigarette in his mouth and was making pleading motions with his palms out, he wasn�t scary looking, just out of place. People weren�t supposed to be out at night in Hatboro, it just wasn�t customary. �Nah man, I don�t smoke.� I didn�t break eye contact with him as he nodded in a way that expressed he figured as much. But I moved over and offered him a spot on the bench. �Why do you smoke?� He didn�t make any motion to sit down, but continued to stand now shoving his hands in his coat. Shrugging he responded, still with cigarette in mouth. �I�m addicted, we all have addictions.� And sauntered off, his black hair melting into the back of his coat collar. I watched him briefly then went back to the staring at the street. My slurpee was all ice and I hated that, so tossing it in the trash can next to John�s bench I started up and walked off in the opposite direction of the smoker. Everyone had their own self picked suicide, mine was my thoughts ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- open your eyes. smile. ill go make breakfast. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i want all the romance others forget to use. i swear, give me an oppurtunity and ill love you. hell... getting desperate again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- they tell me, "go back home, no one wants you to stay." im comin through the door, each new breath a new delay. be that lover too intelligent to leave a trail. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- why so angry? so venomous? so unforgiving, unabashful, piercing and cruel. because life is lessons through conflict and each new step is a retaliation. brother sun, sister moon, mother beautiful. you hover over us, but dare not touch our tainted selves. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- if only remembering could be so much more (physical). cant go on forgetting. ignore me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ride daddy ride. im not in the mood tonite. iv drank so much but i still dont feel full. a certain group of people. filtered through softer lenses and strangled. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- dark haired girl please stare at me. i want to see whether theres room for me in your absent eyes. take this to heart alongside my knife. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its probably not the best course of action, but iv never been attracted to ease. i no longer desire your time zones, your close fitting figures, your need for knowledge before intimacy. i want as much freedom as iv just willfully alotted myself. if i want a hotdog, i want to eat a hotdog. if that makes me not a vegetarian, then i guess im not a vegetarian. hell, i eat fish on occasion anyways. the last person to limit your actions should be yourself, yet im the only who who limits me anything. im learning. something. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- in the mood... where nothing ever happens. we can rebuild her; stronger, better, faster... more capable of love. more capable. simply more. a lesson in honesty. i was built for you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im sorry i yell... its only frustration. you call this classical? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i left the music behind tonite, and took on the pitches between the lights. and what i found was a sound that most forget to hear. my eyes were so itchy i forgot to see and the wind so biting i refused to breathe. there was only the sound of the pitch between the light. the silent refusal. and me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- waiting for a sign. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- associations competing to make recommendations... hoping to suit personifications lashed to metal skeletons of so-called misinterpretations. you interject a dull finger, believing that in some context you hold the keys too all my miseries. that a statute salute can constitute an answer to this rides rotation scraped bare of explanation. i dont count the days, its too far off set to interject myself into social standings... amongst equally lonely, and yet atoning by pressed lips to smiles, those who style a life less trying, a life less agaisnt the waves, a lifeless. i dont mind. its just an idea. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- negative actions. no, negative. negative. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- rub me under your hands, i want to feel your pulse. please dont feel to comfortable, i cant bear to relax. its suicide spelled with an m, accented with an e. a sash round my leg. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i couldnt love you if he loved you. falling for you in half time notation. each apostrophe 's' a giddy nail in my form. he's _______. better, loving, everything. everything is impossible darling. id settle for anything. (1) never patient enough for all twelve paces. (2) never fiery enough to greet the faces. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "its partly sunny." "no, its partly cloudy." everything is labeled, everyone is not. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- maybe the bottom is you. theres no reason for jealousy. youv been created for uses other than love. a bleeding breathing apparature. we are blood and bones. i adore your salty taste. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- show me something wonderful about humanity, im lonely tonite. i need your spirit. i need your beauty. capturing the queen's tears. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i love to steal other peoples smiles. no purchases, no transactions, entirely black marketed. when strolling i love to watch people as they smile, and then smile to myself, for no reason other than that they are smiling. let me steal your smiles, let me share your joy. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- if only. your speed is groundbreaking. body language translucense, opaque whims, transparent wishes. if only. we can let you we cant let you go. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- be everything you want to be. be everything you can be. there are no rules preventing anything, dont prevent yourself. we're strong, really, we are. hold on, we can pull eachother along when the world gets too thick. i want to love you. i want to love myself. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- please make first contact. i dont know your native tongue. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ... ------ its never been an obligation of his. attempting social disputes and accords. pressed between pages he hides his beauty. dried and pinned to her lapel, he is an ornament and little less than adorned. matching dresses, shoes, and handbags, he is the ultimate accessory. a party favor. created in his image. i envy his universal indecision. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- no matter what they say. no matter what they think. id like to believe in us. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- what are we going to do. white noise of the city ringing in your ears. an impulsive aversion to mirrors, only he gets to look at you the way youd look at yourself. they way you see the world. a world in words. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sage. less believing... more conceiving. action. retraction. adjust my eyes, i dont want to see these faces anymore. its not all worth believing in. its not all worth fighting for. "she always chose her battles wisely. theres a difference between those who fight to win, and those who fight for the better good." i was always one who fought to win. i cant recall the last thing i won. i never want to come back to here, this is motion, emotion, devotion. we'll never we'll never we never... i want to grow. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and he saw LIFE, and he UNDERSTOOD... and wished for it. and just before he began his reach he paused, wondering, what difference will this make. but knowing that hesitation is a curse, he seized before he answered. no more questions, no more cowardice... everyday is a do-over to make corrections. NOTHING is set in stone. ACT FIRST! and if your conscience and love are your guide you will never do wrong by them. please act... please be. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- shears saving my sight from matters of blindness. a new sense of lightness, a new lack of confidence, a new sensation of cold, a new regret to pass among the pages. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my best expressions are in my arms, when my heart speaks the rest must remain silent. i keep repeating the same words over in my head while i kept smiling and understanding the answer. i miss. and i miss that there was no starting point, that our venacular has no beginning to what we started and skipped a good few legs to the post-middle and began and ended before stepping down again. it was so jaunty that it was near awkward but at the same time never. i want to stay up all nite and read as i think of whos and whys. hopefully come sun up it wont be so hard. cant you tell me why. i smile, but i want to cry. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- when your lungs keep collapsing they press half inch tubes through your side to re-inflate them. they leave the tube in for nearly a month to ensure that the lung(s) learns how to stay inflated again, learns how to breath again. after that month your on your own again, with a significantly weaker lung, and they warn you that if you ever test that lung again it will collapse, and it might kill you next time. what do they do when your heart collapses, what if the next time does kill you. chances too great, nerves too weakened. only the bravest warriors fall off their horses in battle, the cowards never leave their knees. i have no chance to fall... but wheres the safety in that. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- do you ever feel like your falling asleep while waking up. and both states of mind swap for just a few seconds, and everything in this world becomes everything thats beautiful in the surreal world, and you have sublime comprehension, if just for a second, if just while staring at your pillow. if i could just hold onto that for a few more minutes, then i know itd all be alright. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- try not to be holding all and try just holding anything. while anythings gone. it could level us all if we werent so high already. help me to help myself. all this useless ticking is crowding my head. im making no progress in the face of time, in the face of fear, dancing on the faces of wound-down clocks. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i know i know. if only. only few times before. bent towards unfolding, cracked spines and crease (increase). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its a curse. curse me. time is so constrained, its too much strain. you have lived too long among soul-deadening antidepressants to feel true emotion. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i could love you. i could love you beyond pain or pleasure. its bliss, and bliss is just stimulis. you make me wish. and wish to become less confiscated. lend me a your drawer, these cliches are piling up more than i can sort. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- driving into walls. the difference is clear. these satellites all share a common name. i dont need your purpose to succeed. i just need a simple fortunate degree. each sip numbs the sanctity. stopping thumbs from pressing and believing in conspiracy. dont let them pretend their results are greater than any we could attain. its just a voice of words, its just a voice that has to end. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- now thats what i call beauty. theres misery in her grace... but i find grace in my misery. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- behind skin and mortar walls, all we find is whats really left. this is all too important to let go. tell me how it sounds when you cup my hand to your ear. maybe if you can still hear the waves rolling then all those promises we made came true. if only we were giants. if only we were as young. our hearts still beat, but our rythym is all off key. and i can still taste, ill never lose my attraction to a little fire. so maybe if i spell you as i, it wont be about hope, but about us. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- theres a start to this finish, but im not keeping count. theres no use in answering. i build paper hat flowers to sit on my desk, but nobody compliments. try and find me, im right where i was. im right where you left me. dont make nice, be kind. its keeping us afloat. drifting the continent. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- bent back double like that heart you applied your tourniquet to. mishappen bodies doubling as mis-happen shapes. reminescent of yew saplings tortured by mid-january mornings, bleeding stiff morning dew tears in hourly permanence. crackled shapes mending like cracked ribs, but all at the wrong angles. the cold corrects and conceals, like a back alley abortionist promising beauty but delivering death. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ill play till i die. holding hands agaisnt shower heads in the dark. deep breathes our only words, deep waters our only worlds. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i know. across the street to where im waiting. twelve nites back you shared a comforter with my body and comforted your own. twelve nites back we dorned hoodies and adorned eachother to the coast. watched the sun climb its steps to where we stood over the sea. been so long since last december. today i saw a girl with hair like yours trailing alongside the waterline. you remember everything, folding memories between cakes of sand and sea. folding bodies beneath waves and fences. my letters. casting off from shore, baited briefly along the piers. i am the undertow. casting off glances from along the piers. on june 22, 1969, an oil slick on the cayuga river fell ablaze, igniting miles of water. my chest is now only a leaking gas pump feeding itself dark upon the light morning tides. when im rekindled will this ghost town in my heart burn as bright? i am the undertow. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my head is spinning, but so is the room. are you with me? with life. are you with me? with life. are you with me? with life. i see your act of faith, and i raise you a sexual identity crisis. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- if i led you on im sorry. i just wish i was following someone as well. they took my son... they took my son. im tired of the bullshit lives. i dont wanna have the bullshit lives. this world is too large and full for this many people to be lonely. where can you be found out? where can you be my love. waiting for a signal or a sound. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- cause right now, id take anything over this. it use to fit, never saw the wrong in same sized shoes. ill save my receipts alongside those nail files you never said you could throw away. cause mine, my life is a sucker bet. she cashed out upon deposit, these bells sing carols, theyr lying. chilled in the freezer, frappe for the shakes. im lying. ill cut my nails, ill cut my hair, ill cut my throat. save yourself, i save you all the time. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sultry eyes... i just want to compliment your coat. if youd let me see your pink rose personality, id let you see my side-wind-ed soul. its not a misconception... just a misunderstanding. please dont sit and run, i only want to tell you my name. with hair like yours, from what i remember. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- save us save us save us save us save us save us save us... save, us. save us. save. us. everyone (except), save us. we were born who we are, but dont be angry, its just a turn of versimilitude. i can feel my muscles relaxing when i cry. remove your absence, im tired of not seeing anything but the backs of people i pass in the street. come around sometime often, come around home. tell me about your love affairs. i want to know what sex is like after me. i want to know what life is like after me. tell me about your sleepless mornings when your ceiling is your only solace and this page is not a thought. too timid to ever be darling. i wake up thirsty every morning, so drench me in your casualties. this song stems from your thoughts, never ready to die. never ready to anything at all. cut these lines into my face, i know we're never going to get it. we never knew, we never understood. its just density without volume or complexity, i concluded this entry 8 lines back. you suit me like all the pretty paperbacks that scattered your floor. never wrong. never ready. its not the risk, its the temptuous. yes,. temptingness. surrender your flag, im still your fag. today is the day... that i saw you. from what i remember. im still biting. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- get yourself together, come on get together. luck is all in me. patience is all i need. that... and coffee/caramal nips. just believe me till the sun goes down. its not what you reap, its just what you sow. no one plans for the mistakes, but we all make excuses to change them. even if its hard, you still gotta live till you die. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its less like a movie, and more like a motion picture. do it justice, this is your debut. last call. i could really use with a ride home. anyone? any takers? please. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my future is forming. i feel more mature, i feel i appreciate my education now, i appreciate being HERE, and i appreciate people for who they are. people dont have to be a certain way to 'deserve' my friendship or interest. EVERYONE has something to offer, to bring to the table, everyone wants companionship and to be listened to and taken out of their own lives. im the one talking now, i want to talk to everyone. lend me your keys, for my own are forsaken. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sleight through my hair. i want to run my fingers through your hair, again and again and again. i miss touching. waiting for the one that never dies. blinding, binding, surf surging across sands... i remember our beach. place my body on your street. paper rocks breaking down windows. we're never wrong, we're never wrong. i cant stand by and watch you erode, im on standby waiting to implode. seize this time, its never ever. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- listen nothing, no one here. moon shine on, moonshine, drink until our love is on fire. brazen youth emblazened in passion. how terribly terrific. he never had a chance. zoom zoom. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- unlike most every other creature, we are no longer controlled by our environment. we shape our surroundings, construct them with steel and explosives. we are natural organisms living in an unnatural world. take this salt from me, my lips cant taste it anymore. horatio screams, the branches wave unconsciously in harmonic duet. closer, dont hesitate. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- this winter i discovered that all my notations were off. spinning tires. i need a woman with eyes so wide that every blink is like a snapshot. i want wonder and splendor... i want her. attracted to consistency and direction. this screen has been fizzling all nite. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hes not home, hes no romeo. bottled in like a pencil neck sharpener. buried agaisnt the backdoor. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- there's one that tells me she got home. i dont know which to pursue. she tastes like smoke and beast. she sings like she screams, and she screams like she fucks. superstition is... the worst is over. you got it, i want it, you got it, i want it. drugs first, dance later, sex always. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it was night in the summer, winter in the day. this heat comes with distant shade. your desire is what keeps it from me. i was always just too late. (your hand bag is crowded with my tissues). im here, at my bedroom... its saturday as usual. open up to me; my keys are just/all in my head. ...speak up... address your letters to me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ballads of sinking ships. its tragedy that consumes us, comedy is fleeting. my fleets are scuttled. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pink nerve, red eyes. i cant be said to be listening, i cant be said to be saying much of anything useful. its not where im from, its where im going... and if i didnt have my parking break on id be flying in reverse. you had the greatest voice. these are all memoirs of a life i hope lessly to forget. all lone, all lone, alone. wheres your conviction? im just waiting in the hall till you finish talking to your professor. you were never polite... i was always a coward. id burn down the MET if it would turn (your) head(s). your spine was so far ahead of mine, my year long reproach has grown mine into a less likely shape then i could have ever imagined. fuck scars... its the internal that has me going. this hallway has such spotty lighting. im always amused. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- life is about finding the things that make you happy. living is actually doing them.(im failing). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- home... home again. i like to be here when i can. its the time awake when my bodies asleep that i find the darkest. slipped in sheet covers, swept in sauceny. i want what they have, iv always been hearkened by jealousy. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- if i fall, squeeze tight. (we're all) peculiar i suppose. if not for these ribbons, then just for these hearts. "have you ever seen a human heart? it looks like a fist wrapped in blood." love is lindsey. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- people everywhere are ready. inhaling places. gesticulations and litigations. participation (maybe next investigation?). im a constant outpatient filing for resucitation of lost palpitations. it still beats. but i need to find my rhythm. type these desperations in self interrogation. you jest, i gloat. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its never been harder to fall. im tired of tripping. just break my heart right open. your last comforting token. black sure. radio, i still know, atleast we share our minds. get yourself together. get yourself together. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i try to get close to you, but a looking glass is my state of mind. im staring you down, its less than a reason. i know. the war is beginning, and im between sides. i cant even justify my own reflections, if it wasnt for all the cracks running through my eyes id never know me from you. these issues arent relevant, but neither is she. these issues arent relevant, but neither am i. she shows off her throat, all the tensions off. it takes a lot to make me laugh (im so easily amused). we were always wrong. just another day and itll be gone. just another day and ill be gone... i wont take your time anymore. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- so we bring our hands together (in prayer) to try to bring ourselves together in ourselves. linking hands, folding feet, figure 8ing our bodies into a contium. i like meditating, i think prayer is meditation, thus the positive calming effects... i think talking to god is just talking to yourself (i could be wrong, but talking to yourself is important, introspection). maybe we are our own gods... i know we are our only salvations. a wiretap in my brain, the cord is all but shorted out. dont leave so much to esteem, youv proven yourself time and again... its not the medals, its the eyes. this toggle switch is all but flustered. "hit it again, hit it again." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- here we are, making all the promises of a lifetime. ...and hope that youd come back. until your done. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- all we ever wanted was... i wish my highschool days were more experimental. i hate being a coward, it does nothign for my confidence. i wish i never cared about alcohol or drugs (though i dont want to do ANYTHING heavy). i wish i had lived it up, partied, experienced, i feel i missed out. but still, i dont regret my highschool days, i just tack them up to experiencing more these days. i want the atmosphere, the fun, the excitement. life needs to be more. life can be more. lets live. man... without me by your side, WITHOUT ME BY YOUR SIDE!, lets just experience. we'll never be the same. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- words can be so brazen. cheeks that strain to fit the scream. its never whats its drawn out to mean. "Should I act upon the urgings that I feel, or remain passive and thus cease to exist?" -James Joyce. it once was a pool so deep we could exist without any knowledge of the other. but you left and took the filter with you. i covered this waterless pool a year ago, and have been laying in the growing mud ever since. somedays it can smell so sweet, somedays its just mud. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- soundtrack me. im tired, so tired. clear skin and a practically opaque personality we could surely see. i salute you with arms of wicker. set me ablaze. secure this wall i built for me. and now your scared (we're never wrong, we're never wrong). your so damn clever. you speak in pulse like your heart never beats. now i speak (sleep). love can lie dormant for one more christmas, but we're never wrong. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- triumph. and yet. iv been waiting by the 40 yard line all day long. these bites dont recall me at all. but its not the wounds (its the scars). today is lazy day... come lazy with me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- soooooo... i took some time today to read back through the archives of my journal and this and well... man, im just unsure what to make of it. is this me? i know i have layers, and i know i write when im emotional, but yet i just ... i dont want to be everything on these pages. but i know i am it, i curse too often and am slightly (hah... slightly..) brash. calm these comforts. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- all for the low price of just 1 cent. im ready for my close up mr. seville. all around my neck. everyone is conscious but nobodies awake. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- if you had any idea what was going on today. college girlfriends are like music videos, there is usually a lot of dancing and singing, but not alot of skeletons. ... people who put their addresses in the little corner of their IM box are asking to be raped... (that was an awful comment. i dont mean it in a mean way, i just mean... i wouldnt do that, its sort of creepy.) but its just creepy to me, go ahead... oh my. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- went to a poetry reading tonite, it was really great. i watched this timid couple sharing their time with the rest of us, in fact i sat next to them. and they never spoke to eachother, and barely touched eachother. but once during the reading she curled her fingers in the back of his hair (he had a ponytail) and then brushed his shoulder very tenderly. and once he rubbed the front of her leg, but only momentarily. and they never spoke, or said anything more so or touched more so, but enjoyed the poetry and eachother quietly and on a deeper level than our own perception. i wasnt jealous, but very in love with the idea of them. and not so much did i even wish for my own love on this level, but just felt lifted seeing such a love to live and last... i love poetry. so we lift up our hands, and clench our fists, like tiny antennas to heaven. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my modern day angel... no need to confess. these past two weeks have been increasingly GLUTTONOUS. pizza has become a favorite snack past time to my current arch enemy. after successfully ingesting muultiple slices nite after nite i have become increasingly iller and iller (iller should so be a word... man, that so ill(er?) )... yeah. chips, pizza, soda, junk junk junk good. though one nite i ate a bunch of pineapple pizza, thus invovling a fruit group and making it sizably more healthy. i havent eaten healthy in awhile, and i feel all the more gross for it. no more junk food, man... feel so iller. im under your curse now, but i call it compromise. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my modern day angel... caught in my breathe. i learned a lesson from watching south park tonite... and i ate WAY too much. i hate feeling this full and bloated. SHIT, i just remembered i have crazy homework. no time to wallow (why take the time anyway?). enjoui, much love, smile. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- met with the illusive today... i cant read her body language, i dont know if shes into me in any manner or if its just her apro-poe with everyone. man, i wish i knew the correct spelling to apro-poe, its like the 5th time iv tried to use it and no one ever knows what i mean... hold on, ill look it up. FUCK, if this sidetracks me ill be so pissed... one second. damn. ok, its like 20 minutes later, i did get sidetracked and found no spelling for the supposed word apro-po(e?). sucks. anyways... what was i even talking about, let me scan up a litte. oh yeah, so i have no idea. im scared i might have rushed things because i asked her to see me again tomorrow and such... man im so crazy about her. but its horrible because if anything even become it will be the most strained/limited relationship imaginable. she lives FAR away, neither of us have a car, i live with 8 other guys and she lives with her family, and after this semester she'll move away to some college and ill still be here. plus i dont even live her, so its not like i have break with her, ill be at home. man... this sucks, timing is my ultimate achilles heel (or is it jealousy?), it never works. what kind of finish will he send...? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im shakin at your touch, i like you way too much. let something turn out sunny side up (even though i hate my eggs that way)... iv been good santa, bring me a girlfriend for christmas. the connection is made. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- so... im sittin here. pretty drunk, pretty high, pretty just all around useless. im being asked questions but dont at all feel obliged to answer. im typing, i need no second conversing median. so... im chillin. and i read over some of my emails, andnow im all freaked out about if at all there is a possibility of a spawning relationship... and im more and more higher and more so believign that its impossible. ithink that though we spawn a general interest in eachother, i hope shes interested in me, we are on differnet paths. or maybe she is just farther along hers than mine, or maybes ours lie on entirely differently yet somewhat parallel, or adjacent? paths. i dont know, i hope something turns up. i would love for someting to happen. hope maybe eva is correct. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- iv carried it out, but i still need you to carry me a few more paces. i can do it on my own if i have to, but its always so much better to be lifted and assisted. friends are the icing to this rich cake im finally starting to enjoy. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- these halls are flooded. keep swimming. spread the kerosene and toss the rest in the hull, just coat the walls, strike the cigarette when you hear them coming. we'll pray for them. ill work up the courage to form the words... iv been talking since i was 2, but still i have trouble talking to you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i like it when i have email. i love it when i have mail. its just nice to recieve things, its like christmas year round, but in word form. and sometimes thats the best kind of gift you can get. get your possibility. i want someone to want me the way my bed does, it calls to me all day long and only lets me sleep with it. my bed is my perfect mate. oh bed, your the best. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its cold outside. so im pulling on my hat. its cold outside. so tuck in hard girl, ill be home after 4. it still moves (thank god). beat on. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- went sledding today. went sledding and saw the illusive. someday, perhaps art can be born. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i hate when i get gaudy and all 'emo lyrical.' i can really like a lot of my stuff, but sometimes its a bit over the top. sometimes its just, a bit, too much. sorry about that, no more dips. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wont you give me a damn. love is the ultimate, but for now i guess ill have to settle for ... well... anything. offer me anything, ill accept. ultimate, hah, what a shitty word. i sound like keano reaves (and fuck spelling). all my papers are done, im essentially done this semester now. one final and its a take home, just... lounging about. take me home with you, ill stay up all nite and listen to your testimonials. ill be the lover you always envisioned but never wanted. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- what does it take... how long must i wait... - postal service. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im scared to go home because i dont feel ill have anyone there to be with. im scared of next semester because i feel im losing touch with the friends i have and that ill be left alone here. im deathly afraid of this summer, thats why i want to move somewhere far away so i know ill be alone and try to discover something better instead of just being alone and not knowing what else to do. i dont get how i can be so lonely when surrounded by so many people. its just, theres no depth, it seems almost shallow. and every time i try to connect deeper i expose myself but... it doesnt work out, and then i have already torn out all my protective layers and am left pouring out into nothing. im just so fucking sad... please come make my day. we're all dying here, so why cant we just hold hands and eachother? it makes no sense. im such a coward. come down now, but we'll stay. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i dont think people really understand me. when i write about how lonely i am and how much i wish for someone else it isnt like how people wish for a girlfriend... when i say it im exposing myself and am being truly heartfelt. i mean it on a level where i would give anything, ANYTHING to have companionship, where i would put myself through any turmoil to find a match/mate. when i say im lonely, i dont just mean, "oh darn, i could really use someone to hang out with," i mean IM REALLY FUCKING LONELY AND FEEL OUSTED, i feel misunderstood and alone. its not sympathy cries, its down to honest pleas for help. you just dont get it... i dont know how else to explain it, its just seems tedious... nobody gets it... friends, whatever, i dont even feel my friends even know me. honestly, you guys are great, but you have no idea the depths i experience. you just dont grasp, all my reasons for transferring was just because i dont feel cared about here, i need someone stronger, i need somewhere deeper... fuck, im not bashing you guys at all. just we're all different and need different things, and i need something more consistent. i need someone to be there for me and i want to be there for them. i used to offer myself to you guys as much as i could, but there was no consistent return... i felt empty, and i still do. its a horrible feeling, i feel so alone... life is just so incomplete. i would pay any fee to have the love lindsey once gave me, i dont think anyone ever understood me like she did. im so lonely, you just dont get it... i hate it here. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- shut the fuck up chris, you are a failure. hold out for tomorrow, maybe then she'll take you in her arms... i dont want to complain about loneliness, but i dont know what to do about it. i feel im still being me, but it doesnt look like its getting me anywhere. someone introduce to me to someone... please.. i need help. im pathetic. settle down now, looking for some salvation. im still in chains. its not sympathy i want, honestly, i dont complain for sympathys sake, i just want help. please help me, i dont know what to do, hello, im here, im flailing... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- no, you wont believe it, not until i write it down. so i guess this gestricative stage is passed,... sort of sucks. i realyl had a thing for her, but that moment has gone and went, and she just didnt want what i wanted. i hope to SOON meet somebody, i realyl need a connection, im flailing here for personality and care. PLEASE SOMEBODY DISCOVER ME, im dying in a sea of mediocrity. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wonder what my chance is, romance is... under rated. avenge me. wonder if she knows that i would change it if i could. please call me, i need your voice to fall asleep. your my alibi. my anthem. love is so impudent. why cant WE be created. i just want to honor and abide by you, i wouldnt ask any more or less. save me, im drowning in my obsession for you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- was watching room raiders, or wathever that new mtv show was, it was hysterical. the guys always went right for the underwear drawer and freaked out when they found thongs acting like they never saw one before or werent at all expecting one. i thought it was hysterical. but it was sort of cool because you really can tell a person by their room. except maybe me, unless mine just tells how i dont give a shit how my room looks and am crazy lazy because it has NOT ONE BIT been changed since 7th grade. i havent taken anything down or changed or added, it has all the tacky signs up and horrible pictures and shit i thought was cool (like robotic spiders and wax dragons). i dont know... my room is where i sleep, so i dont really care. wish i was a metrosexual, wish i had the drive to complete such items, wish a lot of things. wishing is great. and... sucky. deadly. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- theres no connection, just feelings of regret. my left back speakers blown. if fashion is feeding us identification, then are we not made by the clothes and the clothes are just a further expression of ourselves. because i feel my clothes express my personality, so maybe girls that dress really slutty are just that kind of quick talking bitchy chick. i dont know, people act a way that dress a way, i mean yeah there are different instances and variables, but there are also stereotypes they fit to. we all fit in some kind of stereotype, otherwise they wouldnt exist. yeah... so, we hate the media and blame them when actually we're just inclined to like or hate clothes because we arent inclined to that. like... because im all hearty coward music lover who wishes he was badass kind of guy do i just love tighter black tshirts and tight jeans. i dont know, thinking about it now it doesnt make too much sense... but it did. clothes, i love clothes. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- trust can be so absurd. nobody likes the sad kid. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- there are no birds on our campus, our campus is entirely controlled by squirrels. the only birds we have are ravens, and they arent interesting or attractive. i miss birds, birds singing would make people look into/at the trees, which means they would look up, which means they would see me, which means they would notice me, which means... well... maybe theyd like me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- heres to self expression in the corner of an empty room. line me with felt and tell me im handsome. power cables everywhere. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i just shampooed (that is a fucked up word when you conjunct it with an ED) so my hair is all clean and bouncy. i was enjoying feeling the wind kick it every which demeanor this morning while sitting on a bench after class. i had time to kill and was warm in my coat, so i decided to people watch, a past time i have not fed in quite awhile. while sitting a string of children passed by, waving. they were trussed up like snowbound turkeys, mittens, hats, and downe-filled snowsuits. and as i sat, seperate from everyone else bustling through my pre-afternoon spectral, i watched these children hold onto their leash (youv seen them, there is a long rope that the teacher holds and all the kids hold onto it in a line as they walk to the park, etc... god is it adorable) willingly and follow their teachers. they turned to keep watching/waving to me even after they had passed by. and as i waved in return i couldnt help but think how we all are willingly holding onto an invisible leash. we catergorize and schedule our lives and let this rope drag us through our selected routes. and anytime you feel you dont want to follow and break off from the path for the day you arent breaking anything, your still tied in. and when you finally do return to the path, because you always do, the rope SNAPS you back in hard like elastic. because you missed, because you fucked up, because now you have to MAKE UP everything you didnt do before. there are consequences and questions. we arent any more free than those near mindless children, but so what. so what. freedom is in mind, not body. i have no finallizing life altering praise the day message to end this with. i sort of dont care, i do what i choose and pay heavy all the time, life is choices, so sneak a pair of scissors along with you so you can break from your trudge-a-long noose every now and then. i carry a hatchet. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- oh, oh goddamnit. i dreamed a little dream in my head about a risk and a world i knew id never be a part of. and i thought about asking you about it, to see if any of what i thought could be true. but if it was, it would be better not to know, right? asking questions that lay my life in ruins, thats what this week is dedicated to. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its hard enough being a human being. IM EMO, fuck, what a dirty hand to be dealt. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pompous. pompous and elitist. vain. selfish. self centered and sympathy seeking. cynical. realist. unprovoked and approving. these hands are dynamite. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it feels like that automatic sanctuary. talking/listening to people be EXCITED over art/encouragement/change/COMMUNITY makes me SO HAPPY. seriously, i feel rejuvinated and excited to become involved and really take some steps towards my own wishes. i want to educate myself in manners iv never even constituted (oh word, i adore her). its not even a feeling, its a desire. ill never name my child cain. today we work hard, tomorrow we collapse into one. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- some people beg to be miserable. iv done my fair share of pleading. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- yeah... so... i feel really ill right now. its just an overall i feel like pukking/sick/eaverything else, etc. so im sittign here typing with my eyes closed. iv been typing for many many years now, so im hoping that i can be a proificeient typist while keeping my eyes closed. my head really hurts and so does my stomach/eyes, so im sitting to just sit for awhile and decided to type aswell. so... yeah, i think iv explained this all enough now. i hope you can udnersatnd all of this. break is coming up. im really lokking forward to it. see my friends, hang out, smoke (i gave up smoking for a long time now but when i go home i want to smokoe atleast once or twice just to hang out and hear some stories and drink some tea, etc. i dont know). yeah, i know somking has no correlation to any of that. so fine. i just want to sit and smoke with my friends like ht old days and really sort of just enjoy ourselves. i wish life was like the movies somedays where eveyrone was very affrontal and if you saw somebody you liked you souwldnt jujst pass them and be out of their lives. but by some witty coincidence would run into them the very next day/week. i mean, thats how life should be. well, fist id have to find some girl i realyl find an affinity to, an attraction, etc. but i wish.... or maybe life should be like porn. where i can go to the moviees with some woman and have her just lean over and start giving me head. yes yes, crude and pathetic, but wishful thinking nontheless. i just want to go home and lay down in a abed and sleep. no more commitements or papers/exams hanging over my head. just freedom, beppo, and... well, ill throw in a third wishful requirement later. i know when i go home i wont suddenly get head or well, whatver. ill switch topics because thats just a stupid rediculous topic. i feel really ill and am just typing really stupid nonsense, so im going to go lye down now. so sick, so horny. im natures chainsaw. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i should be studying. i should be studying. i repeat. i should be studying. but im not. because i hate studying, and putting off studying and letting it waiver over your head like a hanging dagger is so much more stimulating than the actual act of studying. procrastinating makes you really appreciate time more. because you allow yourself less time to do more such, and this really shows how quickly you can pull of whatever it is your attempting to accomplish. that, and who wants to do required material, things will be completed by due time, but the due course is whatever i choose it to be. ill do it when you want it, but you might as well just make it due the next day because i wont start it till the nite before anyways. over achievers can suck it. well... im envious of them in a i never want to be them sort of way. so it keeps the world orderly by seperating those that do stuff beforehand from those that do stuff... well, just do stuff. i do stuff. im a stuff doer. what does this button do. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fashion is feeding us identification. i cant wait till the day i complete the excruciating list of artists i want to collect. the struggle/search will never be over, i understand, but i LOVE finding new stuff to get. i dont so much love this disgusting compilation of mp3s and artists im entrenching through right now. 100s and 100s, my eyes burn and so does my gut. ohwell, its worth it entirely. i love fidning new music/organization of artists iv always listened to or only briefly. fuck, i have to go eat, im being yelled at. music is life, live. mediocrity gone killed you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the bullet in your head stopped the bleeding. its EARLY on saturday morning, i am still drunk and waiting for the brita (god, how i worship it) to finish dispensing my love juice (water) so i can pour it into my freezer frosted mug (stolen goods) and consume it (consume it). mmmmMMMMmmm i love water. i hope i wake up in time to go to breakfast. i want to drink 12 hundred glasses of juice and eat an egg and cheese croisant. fuck the pancakes, fuck the tater tots, fuck the tofu scramblers. give me some godforesaken kiwi strawberry juice... and a mother fucking croissant (KRauIw-Saeaunte). oh frosty mug, you are so benevolent and good to me (when i actually remember to put you in the freezer and not precariously perched on corners of my desk). its a great morning to be alive. i cant wait till i wake up again (after i make it to breakfast FINGERS CROSSED) and go out and enjoy the basking glow of low 60s weather sun .... in november... really really late november. it makes little sense, but i have little care. im too tired of complaining to allow myself to complain over such a simple pleasure caused by years and years of aerosol and pollution. if we die, we die, but we die with magnificent tans and hot pants (just the way god intended). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- just waiting for friday to cure me of all past resentments. its in culturally proficient foods i find my true cares. i cant wait to go home and absorb myself into television and infinite freetime. talking to my brother, reading books, watching tv, hanging out with friends. i miss just free time with purpose as opposed to the strenuous amounts of freetime i face here. i try to fill them with fulfilling aspects, but there is too much distraction to fully observe them as potential. "do you feel the drizzle inside you?" i want to be there for someone who appreciates it. i fear next semester, i fear being left alone. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its late, and all have gone to bed. but im not tired (well, i wont admit i am) and im just coasting time till i retire. got 4000 pages to read tonite. got another 4000 to read in the morning. but i aint gonna let that ruin my fun. no, i aint gonna let no book ruin my nite. no, i aint gonna let no story book page ruin my life. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- to leave this world, i wouldnt expect you. (i stole it, but its funny)AgentOcho: and one of my major philosophies is that if everyone focuses on making themselves the best person they can be... the world will become amazing ---- stnybby555: that would be amazing ---- stnybby555: unless people were like really skilled killers ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My life is disappointing because I am hell bent on succeeding without really trying. My poems of the past are bleak portrayals I wish I could forget but find overwhelming. I worship my brita pitcher, I even have a shrine for it, it�s called my fridge. why cant i go. i cant expect you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- these shakes are wonderful, it reminds me how sad i can be. starting down at the ground, where im always (GROUND)endED. pressing matters closer to the heart, no longer touching, but struggling to be touched. on the coast, it rained today. the people went out to watch, as the waves cried. but no one came to watch, as i shared their pain. this lone apartment, this lone apartment is my grave. till today. its ok, lets not be friends. i have value, damaged goods. along the tracks at nite i saw myself going home someday. but i never thought that id have anybody by my side. i know its going to take some time, but my watch stopped months ago. i dont recognize myself anymore, if i lost my phone book it would be the same as loosing everyone. pursue, or fight. its not the same. i watched a woman ride a bike, she had destinations and perserverance. iv always been a sitter. i like to sit while others like to stand. i used to be impatient and hate sitting so long, id always jump up and demand we take action and do something. but i feel iv lost all stir within myself. nothing bubbles. nothing creates an inner turmoil unless its just this sympathy and ill feelings. i know its gonna take some time, but i want to change. i feel penn state has killed me. or maybe iv just killed myself. iv died here, but i wont let it bury me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its not that im frustrated, its just that i dont understand. what is it about me that just seems to repel people? everyone iv even TRIED to get close to or know better has entirely rejected me. is it my social skills? do i come off scary and alarming? im seriously concerned about my general appearance to people. i just dont get why i cant attract people. i know more people are lonely than just me, i can help... make us happy again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- horrifically here, pressing to be somewhere... there are so many who know so much more than i do, so many who are older and have already been so much. i want to learn from them. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i have a very strange way i go about my clothing. i dont like removing my belts from my pants, so until i send them to be washed i leave my belts on all my pants. if a pair of pants doesnt have a belt, i dont wear it (i love belts). i pre-tie all my ties, not sure why. i mean, i can easily tie a tie, but i just like storing the pre-tied, just for the look. my tshirt wardrobe has dramatically changed over the summer thanks to influence from gelosi's band/band life. i wear almost all black tshirts nowadays, its just a color i gravitate towards. all my tshirts are tight, i only buy small sized shirts and stare at myself repetitively in the mirror everyday lifting my shirt to check the size of my stomach. i tossle my hair all day, worry about its appearance. but i never want to cut it, and when i do i dont want to go to a salon, i just want to take scissors to it then and there. i want to do more with my hair, i want to do more with my physical appearance. i feel there are more levels we can obtain, just havent yet concieved. maybe in some fucked up way boy george isnt that far off with the insane look hes pulling these days. i like wearing my socks for as long as i can because i like the way my foot has already molded a pocket in pre-worn socks. i prefer hoodies regardless of cold/warmth context. even if i know ill outright suffer i still wear my hoodie instead of a winter coat. its comfort, and its blue. i want to buy new clothes, i feel iv been dying to turn to the next page of my life for months but havent found the catalyst yet. fucking page turn, TURN! i need a stimulant. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- drive, she said. drive away. i think im trying to place myself into too many objectives at once. IV ALREADY WASTED SO MUCH TIME. iv never lived up to my potential. iv never WORKED for anything. iv never pushed and tried and sweated consistently. i work in spouts, and i pray that this isnt just another. i want to work, and aspire, and accomplish. i want to hone and procure. im trying to motivate myself and kickstart some type of downhill joy ride where ill take a meaning to something and continue with it without further enforcement. i dont do anything on a routine basis without pushing. i let all things slide. but i WANT to work at things. i want to better myself BECAUSE IM RUNNING OUT OF TIME. life starts soon. and i have nothing to live on. i need skills, and personality or else im going to be poor, starving, and alone. women dont like me because i offer nothing (but then again what do other guys offer [a wink, a smile, and a fuck]). its ridiculous, but true. the ravens im trying to ensnare require more than quirky fashion and quick talk. they need more than berated ideas, they need actions, melodies, and commitements. i have no art to spring forth from, im just theory and discourse. i havent "written", iv just fucked about. i need to sketch and write and draw and read. im tired of just passing through and perusing the flowers. i need to create and astonish. now comes the real question... can i? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- waiting for our lives to start, all the time. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- friday is here friday is here friday is here so now we all can drink beer. well... hopefully more so vodka (or steves antifreeze!!!!) than beer. im just glad its friday since i woke up entirely believing it was tuesday. im not sure why this occured, but i had every intention of going out on a tuesday schedule and being all tuesdayish. but i think friday suits me better simply for satisfaction of a long nap chased with zero homework. this weekend will be bitter and cold, i think im going to try to read a lot. come visit me, because no one visits north... because its colder up here? i dont know, its just so far away. enjoui. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...all of the time. i dont want to be cast down. sorry, iv been really sick recently so i havent been in the mood for writing. let alone the usual self pitying streams i lay out here. iv been feeling a lot better about myself and the way things are, etc., so i dont feel as down about it. plus most of my pitying focus is on the sense i cant hear out of my left ear AT ALL nowadays and my swallowing capabilities are slowly returning. sooo... i think im still going to be remaning morbidly single for another few months. i was hopeful, but not too confident on the sake of not killing myself before anything was even assured (which i guess was good). but hell, i should be confident. iv really lost all self esteem. i need some random compliments (yes, here comes the self pity section.. returning yet again). i honestly feel im in no demeanor attractive, soo... if you see me... just be like "hey chris, you look so cute, all the girls want you but just cant say it." and ill buy into it, because really im hapless, and need it. wish something would click, keep winding up without any chance to wind down. my gears are getting too tense. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i have nothing in my pockets, but ill offer you my pockets for your hands. hands inside of hands inside of pockets. yes, in just a few short weeks. if we are all simply the earths jewelry, then are windmills really propellors steering the earth round its orbit? i wish. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- bed is where we should all be. one big bed, for everyone. and we all get our own blankets, and find buddies and share them with them. and thats how we all sleep, jealous and comfortable. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- revelation. resolution. intentions. indescretion. infatuations. come away, have a way, come away. i feel(am) so sick. i would do most anything for a comforting voice/temple rub/bed companion who makes me tea and babies me. please oh please. i have two exams on monday and i need to study tomorrow but i am far too sick, please let me be healthy tomorrow. AND LET THIS DAMN EYE HEAL. my room has no heat, because housing is trying to get us to move out. im freezing, cant swallow, have an enormous headache, a fever, and cant see out of one eye. please kill me or love me. love me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the way back seems so much shorter. iv been spiraling out into the void of despair now for almost an entire year, and in the span of an afternoon iv almost entirely regained myself. its incredible. to hope, to dream, going nowhere but i just dont care. i dont want to slow down, i have limits to attempt and situations to lay precariously ungaurded. right back where we were. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- buying myself another few unadultered minutes before i head out into the COMPLETELY unknown (situations i dont usually deal with... sitauations i NEVER have dealt with). and we'll see how i fare. but im placing the bets on the opposite end of the table, not for pessimism, but for simple deductive logic. what time is it? 7 more minutes. there was always the unknown, and i used to love it. but only because the unknown was you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im just opinion... no action. (pussy). if you want it ill ask them. wishing vacation. in the attempt that you do the damage your promising to inflict. heres to your health and my demise. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im standing on the front porch whistling, but your barely listening. had a throw down depressive blowout tonite, sarrah came in and was discussing men and attraction and what women want. and i just blew up and started screaming about what bullshit it all was. she was explaining how its the tough guy you can change into a nice guy but still chuckle at his soft spots. BUT WHAT IF YOUR ALREADY SOFT. she even admits they dont want the nice guys, that the nice guys are the padding to support them from the bad guys they pursue. and they love the romantics, and the skaters, and the musicians, and the intellectuals... so i say what the fuck. or maybe i give myself too much credit. or maybe im just too farsighted. no, its not even a point, or a question, its just betrayal, we had so much room. shampooed tonite, trying to get my hair just perfect for the horrible luncheon im anticipating with the first person iv taken interest in in so long... whom shows now concurrent interest. its just falsity. but still, i want to get to know her better, even if it is something that is completely obscure and impossible. a friend is a friend is a friend. im always the friend, but so what. i do need to transfer, i do need to find another world to belong to because this one just doesnt want me. and i dont want it. im not too good for it or it for me, its just not where i fit in. and iv been letting it compress me, and i really need to just get a fucking backbone and leave. so fuck you penn state, i need a city and i need an underground and a culture and a women with a piercing and a harsh voice. i want a beauty. i want beauty. no, im all out of room. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- damn you state college... once again proving that your little more than the dissapointment of my life. i really havent had much to write about or felt like writing about... its just been a couple of days here and there. tried to get a job, didnt get the job. talked to my brother, thinking about transferring, he wants me to go to an art school, i dont feel artistic enough. feel that if i could find someone here in state college i could get by, it wouldnt seem so much of a sham if someone would brighten it daily. tired of assuming the position of the outcast simply by design. realized how out of place i really appear to the public... and i dont appreciate it. you forgot to call. my heart is still ringing. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- because i dont remember anymore. just starved for your attention. i want to register hushpuppygreen as a .com or a .net. i want to do more with it. not just html text and -----, i want to make something of it. i want to create an actual site with meaning, and additions, and forums, and thoughts. yeah... but who is going to fund this dynamic undergoing? show me a revolution. i promise to be one of those friends who'll never not write back to you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its been enough to drag this lake back and forth nite after nite. im scuttling the boat, or atleast attempting to. but it seems no matter how many times i sail out to the middle and sink her, every morning after i swim back shes at the docks again... waiting, with net in tow. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im going to start a daily goal. if i cant make changes that will inspire, ill atleast set goals i can accomplish. i have no spirit awakening rally cry or affirmation, im just hopeful. hope carries us all.---- i think i limit myself too much, i put restrictions on my life in hopes of it bettering myself and thus people liking me more. i work so damn hard to make myself "better" that its so pathetic that it doesnt even work. i barely eat, and when i eat i just eat vegetables, i dont allow myself to eat chocolate, i dont eat after 9 (though i suck at that rule, but since i break it so often i end up just hating myself more). i live like an anorexic girl. its horrible and in the end there is no benefit... theres just me and my self loathe. but the paradox is... if i strip myself of all my restrictions i know ill just hate myself more. it will all be with guilt, eating meat... eating chocolate... ill just sit and shove it in my mouth and feel like shit about it. where is my life going? nowhere you want to be. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im not just lying to you, im lying to everyone. tuesday im spending the ENTIRE day at molly's (grandma's) and reading something i want to read, not have to read. im going to walk down to websters, or maybe peruse the student bookstore, and pick up something i WANT to read. i miss books, and im too horribly coming of an introvert to make any other social outcastings of myself, so by segregating to a corner and keeping to myself atleast ill be among people. and i pray that one of them will approach me, because god knows i cant do that myself. i need a catalyst, i was hoping to make my own body the catalyst that would make people want to KNOW ME, come up to me, etc. but i dont think i can starve myself to any lower weight class or bring myself to any other "style" that is more erotic or wanton. if i cant be beautiful, then hell, ill try to just be interesting. i feel iv lost a lot of my interesting features, im sorry. im a shit friend, i havent made a new friend in months, so what does that say about how great a catch i can be? im a deadweight, i need to check my tensions at the desk, my friends have enough to encounter daily than to constantly be giving my pysche CPR. god i miss lindsey. i honestly feel that i threw myself away when i lost her... who am i kidding, when she wised up and learned shed be stronger/better if she were to move on and find someone more suited to her. iv never been as strong since we seperated, and i feel like iv just been decaying. they say that you have to face the darkest paths before you are saved, shit gets worse before it gets better, etc. but honestly, like fucking honestly, when does this see-saw swing back? i need a change, of pace, of atmosphere, of breath, of gas, whatever. i just need something to give, and please dont let it be whatever shards of a spirit i sometimes cast like my shadow. i cant take too much more of this... i need happiness. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its no surprise that those who live in a house of words cant speak. iv gathered up my mind and displaced prior objectives. sweep the corners please hun, thatd be just great. its not so much the ill commitement, but the active patience. ill solicit by the fence, i dont want to muffle your lawn any more than i want to smother your breath. its not a wasted oppurtunity, its a lost cause. i need to work in a book store, not a barnes and nobles HELLS NOT A BARNES AND NOBLES. i want to work in a falling off the shelf second hand book no one really comes in but the regulars and tourists kinda book shop. hell, thatd be just great. fantabulous. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i cant stop the monster (and the monster is me). tell the parish to pray. where do i fit in? "that wouldnt last a week in L.A." i could never make it in california, i crave new york. i need to harden myself, this summer im leaving home, im moving. im moving to new england. words i cant forgive what i said, this guilt cant be shed, iv been screaming for years but it gets me nowhere. grover, shut up. tactful. rubbing alcohol (rubbing it all over myself). liar, liar. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- your delicious to my body. i need to love you. hang me high by the wayside, not as a warning, but as a proclamation. iv given all i can. "fuck the warnings bob, you cant live life with warnings." grasping my pen tightly, this is my rosary. god, wlll i write... god, will i right. LET IT OUT. your art is gutter high. im hiding in the sleeves of boxed sport coats and t's. i long for the stage, you gotta sink to swim (drown my insecurities). i know that art is hard. i dont want to create, i just want to be close to it. i need to date someone more prone to act than i am. i need to date someone with an undying spark. i need to date an artist, someone who is constantly trying agaisnt everything. someone whos very life, their hunt, their struggles, all their lovely answers, are art. ill wait in bed till she comes home. i want to aspire, i cant even aspire yet, i simply long to aspire. till the morning i dont awake alone. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- happy halloween, im going as the creamery... i dont get it either. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- someday, i hope to tell her. someday, i hope to be with her. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- robin is hands down, the absolute, most undeniably, completely uncontactable person i know. which i hate, but accept. i would like to have more 'absolutes' in my life. im not really sure what that means, but it has a very solid conotation to it, which i find secure. i have too many pillows. i adore pillows. i sleep with 2, usually i sleep with 3, but my bed here isnt large enough to accomodate myself and 3 pillows, so iv had to downsize. i have two more pillows that are entirely for futon use, aswell as a large body pillow which rests ontop of the futon. i need more pillows though, because pillows turn the world into your bedplace. i met a man who was falling apart last nite coming home. i waved to him, and when he waved back his hand fell off. he bent over and picked it up and continued on his way. i turned around obviously surprised, once he had made it another 8 feet he his left foot detached and sat on the sidewalk while his leg continued through the motion. he stumbled and fell over, i asked if he wanted help, but he said he was fine. i kept walking, not wanting to offend him, but as i glanced over my shoulder i saw he had already lost both his legs and his right arm. i could hear him telling his legs to keep going, but his left knee fell out and both extremities collapsed not far from where his torso lay. i asked again if he wanted help, he started, "no, im fi--" when his tongue fell out. he stared at me, shook his head no, and began pulling himself along by his shoulders. i didnt see him again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ypfsu is... today is utterly beautiful. i went for a walk, i visited the schlow library and sat perusing several books and just getting into my head. in poetry class i was really struck by the poem and didnt talk to entire class, i almost cried. and in all honesty, the poem didnt hit me as emotion evoking, it was just the context, the application of a meaning, the wide spread feeling you could PULL from it if you really placed yourself inside of it. i felt a deeper connection to poetry today, not even a deeper appreciation, but i understand it now. i understand why there is comfort in poetry, but not even that. i understand how people can read poetry and create such beautiful ideas from a few lines while others will just read it and be like "i didnt like it, it was stupid". its not about symbolism, its not about rich metaphor, its about connection. we, or rather they, discussed that prose poetry is little more than a short story, and shouldnt be considered poetry. after that i finally spoke up, i could barely talk and everyone stared at me because i sounded like i really was going to break down. its not a short story, its direct and unique. a story is a middle man, a character you take and associate to yourself through circumstance and discovery. a poem is directly to you, it is emotion and feeling without walls or barriers, not watered down but concentrated. its an explosion, you dont look for the writers 'meaning' or 'message', but more so the feeling. i cant explain it, its really just something that clicked for me this morning and really shook me. iv read and written poetry for years, but it wasnt till this morning that i felt i ever did it justice. its not about venting or portraying, its about expressing and connecting. fuck, i cant put a cap or closer on this, just... just, its just beautiful. its fucking beautiful, and i had to go for an hour long walk before i could even recontinue my day. dont force it, dont write it to be renowned or to touch someone, just write it as broken and unworded as you want to. write it the way it happened. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im working the leete hall dungeon tonite as the "crypt keeper" essentially. im the guy in the first room who starts the 'adventure' and tells some shitty stories to get things going. im pretty sure that i get murdered in room 2, anyways, youll have to come check it out tonite from 7-11 to discover all the gory details. we really put a lot of work into it, and by a lot i mean i went down there last nite and broke 3 of the props because im an idiot. it should be fun, hey, its halloween (soon enough), so join the festivities and let us scare you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i really dont like being touched unless i want to be touched. i dont know why, i really have an aversion to it. if even my friends try to hug me i really dont like it, its just this feeling that i just dont get. if i really like someone or have a natural comfort around them, then sure. but unless i touch them, i really dont like being touched... which is ridiculous. ohwell, i dont want to be a lone man anymore. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im just putting this in because i understood all of it, and found that slightly alarming. am i a hick? --------- You Know You're From or In Pennsylvania If:--- ----You've never referred to Philadelphia as anything but "Philly." And NewJersey has always been "Jersey." ----You refer to Pennsylvania as "PA" (pronounced Peeay).How many other states do that? ----You know what "Punxsutawney Phil" ( A Ground Hog ) is, and what it means if he sees his shadow. ----The first day of buck and the first day of doe season are school holidays. ----You can use the phrase "fire hall wedding reception" and not even bat an eye. ----You can't go to a wedding without hearing the "Chicken Dance," at least 1 Polka and either an Italian song (sung in Italian,) or "Hava Nagila." ----At least 5 people on your block have electric "candles" in all or most of their windows all year long. ----You know what a "Hex sign" is. ----You know what a "State Store" is, and your out of state friends find it incredulous that you can't purchase liquor at the mini-mart. ----You own only three condiments "salt, pepper and Heinz ketchup". ----Words like "hoagie", "crick", "chipped ham", "sticky buns", "shoo-fly pie", "pierogies" and "pocketbook" actually mean something to you. ----You can eat cold pizza (even for breakfast) and know others who do the same. (Those from NY find this "barbaric".) ----You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know it comes in several colors: Red, White, Brown, Gold. ----you know several places to purchase or that serve Scrapple, Summer Sausage (Lebanon Bologna), and Hot Bacon Dressing. ----You can eat a cold soft pretzel from a street vendor without fear and enjoy it. ----You know the difference between a cheese steak & a pizza steak sandwich and a Primanti's, and know that you can't get a really good one outside PA. ----You live for summer, when street and county fairs signal the beginning of funnel cake season. ----Customers ask the waitress for "dippy eggs" for breakfast. ----You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver, Moon, Virginville, Paradise, Mars, and Slippery Rock are PA towns. ----You know what a township, borough, and commonwealth is. ----You can identify drivers from New York, New Jersey, Ohio,or other neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits. ----A traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a horse-drawn carriage on the highway in Lancaster County. ----You know several people who have hit deer more than once. ----You carry jumper cables in your car and your female passengers know how to use them. ----You still keep kitty litter, starting fluid, de-icer, or a snow brush in your trunk, even if you live in the south. ----Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow. ----As a kid you built snow forts and leaf piles that were taller than you were. ----Your graduating class consisted of mostly Polish, German, & Italian names. ----"You guys" and "ynz" is a perfectly acceptable reference to a group of men & women. ----You know how to respond to the question "Djeetyet?" (Didyoueatyet?) ----You learned to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-Barre, Schuylkill, Bala Cynwyd, Conshohocken, and Monongahela. ----You know what a "Mummer" is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at least highlights of the parade. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my room mates all made fun of my jacket... but it was pretty funny. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i hate being late for things. my mom is ALWAYS late for things, and it drives me mad. if im even 5 minutes late for something that isnt like friend based, i wont show. if im 5 minutes late for class i wont go, if im 5 minutes late for a theater performance, i wont go in. i hate walking into situations and disrupting things/being focus of attention. i dont like being late, i cant handle it. not like im obsessive, i still dont hurry up or change my pace for things, i dont freak out. its more of a shrug and back to bed kind of situation. if i wake up and know that i cant comfortable get out of bed and take a shower and still make it to class, ill just roll back over. i need my shower in the morning, and i need atleast a half hour to just fuck around and do little crap before i go to class. i take lots of time to do anything, but i like being on time for things. early... nah, unless its a really good movie or performance, then early is entirely necessary. time is so crazy and controlling, i think someday ill just move to some island where there are no clocks. you wake when you wake and sleep when your tired, i think its called jamaica? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- oh... woah. i feel im ready to commit myself to another person (surprise). does anyone feel up to the challenge, because i am a challenge. it wont be easy, i need complete trust and honesty, and i know thats hard to do these days. yeah, well, dont give up that easily. i wonder how you feel about me, if anyone feels that way about me. im horrifically (i use different syntax's of horrible a lot recently) shy, and have trouble approaching/talking to women, robin yells at me for this. but shes right, what is going to make me feel more secure? if i get even thinner than i am now, if i can drop below wearing a youth-medium tshirt? i mean really, that is sort of disgusting, i guess im in the same self hating, anorexic coated boat as many others my age. and i dont think there is anything really that wrong with me (though im sure while many of you are reading this you are cocking your heads to the side and sighing "well..."). yes, im bitchy, and annoying, and compulsive, and needy, and bossy, and forceful, and EXTREMELY DRAMATIC, hell im practically gay (sorry). atleast in actions, not in heart. and thats a lot to deal with or want, i mean who really wants a man that is practically a woman? i think i might be this way because iv spent so much time away from close contact to women, or something, or whatever. iv always been really overtly sensitive and most of my qualities and abilities are very afeminite in nature, but still. i like that about me, so i guess i just need to find someone else who does too. iv spent most all of my time (well, not really, its just been an ongoing process) trying to better myself to make myself more "attractive" or "attainable". thus the weight loss, and style change, and hair, and i even wear jeans now (a lot, and i want to start wearing womens jeans), but still. a lot of it has been for myself, but i know deep down a lot of it is trying to call attention to myself, i want to be wanted. but as robin was drilling into me, where is it going to stop? or what are you really accomplishing by it, since it really hasnt been working. it is my shyness, i just need to talk to people, so ill work on that now, instead of all these physical apparitions. i like me, i do, i even like the way i look some/most days. its just hard to feel attractive, its hard for anyone. i dont think im unattractive, but somedays i just dont see what other alternative there can be. i miss my old self, he had no issues with shit like that, and he talked to most everyone. everyone liked him, lindsey liked him... what the fuck happend to me? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im tired of being a last minute addition. but i dont mind, it gets me out of this damn room. this room would be so much cooler if i had all my legos up here. damn... legos. got a number in the center of my forehead, can you guess what it is? no, your the lucky one. i just finished jane eyre, and it was an extremely good read. he was unattractive and brutish to society (in a manner), yet he found a love to truly be envious of. i dont know, it just reminds me how many elements and , i really cant write right now. basically, i felt happier after reading it because theyr love was so pure and tragic, but in the end entirely fulfilling and wonderful. i want a love of the mind, i want to be challenged and attacked, provoked. i want a strong woman, a very strong woman. i want someone who will allow me to take care of them, not need me to. sometimes i wish i lived in such a classical time period, but i really want a woman of today. i want to have to work at my relationship, relationships are work. yeah, i really cant write tonite, i apologize. does anyone want to go for a walk tomorrow or something tomorrow, i really want a good long conversation, as much as i talk i dont feel i talk enough. found a tree this past weekend, she's perfect. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- dont tease me. sometimes, when im really down and depressed, i go out and beat a sorority slut to death with a hammer. there are so many that one less goes pretty unnoticed, it never even makes it to the paper. it doesnt neccesarily make me feel better, i just really like hitting things with hammers. i want you... i want use. use me, take advantage, guilt free. ill be your whore, just dont tread on my dreams. i cant provide all the love we'll ever need, just give me an outlet. ill pour you another drink so youll want me. i want you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- id ask you to go with me, but im not ready to leave. please wait for me, i know im a burden, but if you have the patience to dream/hope of something better, i know we can have it to. i can surrender myself to you without a plea, but will you claim your prize or simply leave it to adorn itself. i want what we all want, i dream, i hope. im wondering, why not just let me live (but i cant be on my own, not anymore). dont let your love go numb. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ode To My Bed ------ O� bed, I hear you calling me but I must finish this Ode. Don�t you know I long to be with you too! Is it not you I give myself to night after night? Is it not your rectangular bodice I caress with my own? O� bed, a hundred beds could not be the bed you are! The perfect resilience of your worn out springs, The extra padded cushion, contoured for my comfort, The lack of 2 extra inches so my feet just hang over the edge (but comfortably). O� bed, I do not judge you even though you are a whore, I do not care that you will sleep with anyone, and have. O� bed, I do not hate you because you are selfish, I know that you keep me from going to class because you�ll miss me. O� bed, I will stop writing about you and surrender to you, For though I sleep alone, at least you and I may sleep together. O� bed, hold me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- please please please stop me now. i dont want to come on too strong. i cant start my heart breaking before she even knows. ill pretend im naive. just try and stop me now. your my everything. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i want to own lots of clocks, atleast a 100. i just feel that theres something special about observing time. i never seem to pay attention to it. it doesnt talk back to me, i was thinking about it, and i took some really bad advice. i remember when we sat and walked for hours, conversation was our excuse for company. i miss you and your sarcastic ways. we saw apples. I NEED NEW FLAVORS. my life has become so FUCKING DULL. this is my issue, i need new concepts, new ideas, new commitements, new interjections, new juxtaposition, new additions, new loves, new aspirations, new interferences, new feelings, new conquests, new trips, something thats anything. i need something to drive me, to force me, to bring something about within me that has been winding to a hault. i dont want to just come to a hault, fuck, i need some petrol. can you give me a jump? these broken phrases always catch me with my guard down. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i want to kiss someone, just to remember what it feels like. i like watching in movies when two people kiss and from that kiss they feel everything they couldnt say. and that one kiss shows them eachothers love, and true feelings, and how wonderful one physical feeling can be. i want to remember how incredible a kiss can be. i wish i could kiss someone i loved. i wish i could kiss lindsey... i wish that a lot. i almost called her the other nite, well, tried to obtain her number. but i knew that the way i was viewing our conversation would be is entirely the opposite of the way it would be. its not even a question of moving on, its a question of hoping something that is quite impossible. or maybe it is i need to move on? who really knows, i just miss what was and what she is. there arent anymore. i want someone just like her, because really, there is no better. not in life, love, or meaning. no, im serious. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- make yourself. theres no moon tonite because its making itself. everything. everything. its just me and the moon. out tonite, switching cloaks, trying to perfect the same look we wear everyday. me and the moon, doing nothing different, but changing everyday. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i must be close. im a hypocrite, why do i expect it when i can barely say it myself. as the drugs leave i only want more from everything. the haze clears. one more saturday morning on a monday nite. well... almost. everyone... everyone around. someone isnt fitting in. you dont belong, you dong belong because you feel you cant. you dont belong because you feel that you arent supposed to. no... no, we all fit. there is no puzzle, there is no solution, or great question/answer. there is only me, you, and everybody else. solve it out, then call me. god, i wish i would just call her, but i dont. i wonder if it would ever work? with my growingly pessimistic attitude i say it wouldnt, but you never know. ill wait for her, but she only has so long that she can sit around and be waited upon. everyone, everyone around is impatient, but nobody acts. atleast not me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- softer, slowy faster. i guess im staying in tonite, but its cool. i slept till 430 today, my head was swimming somewhere. i discovered last nite that drugs are probably the reason for my depression. not that im hardcore into drugs, but i feel that theyv been seperating me from my friends. im giving them up, sure, ill probably meet up with steve from time to time, but we'll never be as close as we were. i discovered a lot yesterday, and a lot of it im glad iv already forgotten. i saw the world for what it might really be, i hope its not what it is, but it could be. i saw human beings as animals that were so constrained by the rules we've given ourselves that we're just constantly under strain. i mean, we are animals, is it in our nature to be under laws, governments, society, harsh emotion, love, etc. no other animals have these traits, by upholding them are we just hurting ourselves further. or is all this stress and pain worth it, you have to take the good with the bad. if we had none of this... we'd just be mindless, but we'd no no better, so we'd be happy in our own manner. i guess im glad we are as we are, its not a perfect world or a perfect society, but it suits. im glad i feel, im glad i understand things a little better now, im glad in not relient on drugs for a good time. i miss my friends, i strayed from them and i have to work to get back. i have to reapply myself back into the practices i used to love so much. i wish i could go for a walk, but its raining (and will be for the next 4 days). i scheduled tonite, turns out i was supposed to schedule a week ago, but didnt. im of course stacking english courses again, which is so stupid, but im doing it anyways. im taking women's stuides, a course on native americans, and a course on the process of human development over a life span with emphasis on human sexuality. i dont know, they all just sound interesting. as for english... well, lets hope those are fun, lots of reading, but thats good. im looking forward to next semester, ill miss my room when they finally move me out of supplemental, but ill be glad for the space and privacy of one room mate versus 8. we'll see... we'll see. anyone up for anything ever, you know im always doing nothing, so contact me. i want to get back in touch with everyone. much love, enjoui. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i have something to say, just give me a few hours. young enough to sacrifice. be honest with yourself, no one should strain something as forgiving as love. if everyone wants to be loved, why are so many of us alone? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I love the way you love to be. hearts held fast by cracked and bruised ribs (trapped cancors in muscle bound cages). one mouthful wasnt enough to satisfy anyones desire, i feel unquenchable these days. a sponge for tossed aside adoration. give me your excess indulgence, it will just go to waste otherwise. "i wonder if this was a wise thing to do?" "god knows... but let them dance." we share a common apathy. we can share a seat, theres room. it should be killer, we're all making up for lost chances. one confession at a time ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- iv been finally able to adjust my sleeping so i go to bed around 2 and not 5 like i was doing for two weeks. but now since im used to going to be at 5 i now go to bed at 2 and wake at 5-6 and cant go back to sleep till 5 at nite. so i take naps which encompas my actual sleeping twice a day. so its 9 A.M. and im up. i only went to bed around 4 but i woke up at 8 and cant fall asleep. i slept over down at pugh street and took the half hour walk back to campus this morning. i stopped at downtown mcclanahns and got some apple cider. then i chilled on a bench behind old main and just admired the morning for a half hour. it wasnt too cold this morning, mid 40s. no breeze, bright sun, crisp clean air, squirrels, alumni, etc. i just toasted a drink to old main and sat there taking it all in, writing in my little hip-pocket book and coughing (im sick). but this morning i was truly happy just taking time to be alone. im never alone in my room, someone else is always home. and i hate being alone otherwise cause i want to be with my friends. but this morning i purposely left early and took a silent stroll through the seasonally exchanging halls of campus. and i was happy. this morning i was really happy. mid pa can be beautiful this time of year. so were we. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- if i said your name to myself tonite, would you call me tomorrow? or would you ignore it, like you purposely ignore life. should have done something. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ill jacknife this body to keep you from claiming it. we'll never find out what the two of us could really do. if anything. what i aim to do. i hope your nightmares star your own actions. i know mine do. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- very far away from the ________. every uncomfortable turn in my bed a reminder. this is not a test. words, sharp like knives, caught in your throat. dont cough dear, try to remember who you are while i try to forget. eyes and hands rushing by. single file. we are born. we are born to love. we are raised to hate. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you had to embrace all your troubles before youd slow down this car. im not sure, we dont talk anymore. she was in my dream, and i wish it hadnt been something i cant live with daily. i wish it had been the type of dream that will later become a reality... but i doubt i can shape-shift my head into anyone elses head and aziz would be kindapped by quasi-super villains (5 of them). other than that, i really wish it would come true, because we dont talk anymore... im not sure. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- heres your fucking list poem. i hate those who have already uncleft a part of them i still keep hidden. i hate those who can easily converse with a stranger without any feeling of discomfert or uncertainty. i hate those who do nothing with their bodies and look great. i hate those who have all the confidence in the world even when the world is laughing at them. i hate myself for hating so many wonderful attributes of others. i love the way life doesnt let you settle. i love the way life doesnt give you a cut and dry decision (i just got that expression... carpentry). i love the way my hair settles when i get out of the shower, even if i entirely hate it 2 minutes later. i love the way a smell or forgotten song is accompanied by a memory or emotion. i love my blue hoodie, i love my bong, i love my cell phone (even though i get no reception in my room), i love my bed and bed lamp, i love red pepper and tabasco (on everything), i love pickles, potatoes, garlic, and onions, i miss meat (somedays, some not). i love the cold but hate cold winds. i love muppet babies but hate the muppet show. i love watching the same movie over and over but hate it after 5+ viewings. i love how empty campus gets after 2 A.M. i love a certain song for a week, then forget about it for a year. i love how tastes change, in art music and food. i love mustard, and i love ketchup, but i still dont like relish. pretzels are a guilt. so is anything consumed after 9 (i hate how diet fashion trends rub off on me). i hate skinny bitches (i can sign that) who pay no attention to me. i hate how i pay no attention to friends. i hate how my world is singular and secular. i hate how i only wear 3 pairs of pants even though i own 7. actually... i like that. i hate my wardrobe but love my tshirts. i love the english language for all of its inconsistencies. i love the nite time but miss the sun. i love the moon but find it less and less romantic every nite. i love putting my feet up when sitting down. i love mixing large bowls of food (especially cookies). i love making omelletes and sharing early mornings with good friends (i am not a morning person, so its a special time for me). i love smoking pot and talking about the most obscurely beautiful aspects of the world. i love belittling my own humanity but at the same time embracing it. i hate bitching about my loneliness... but i hate my loneliness and love bitching about it. i love being so feminine. i love being loved. i hate instilling false beliefs into my own head. i love feeling like im independent (making food, doing laundry, shopping, feeling adult in any aspect). i love writing, i love reading. i hate reading bad poetry. i hate the cold walk down the hall to the shower each morning. i hate when housing is cleaning my bathroom and i want to use it. but i hate when my bathroom is dirty. i hate that my room always smells like ass but i love coming home to it and having 7 of my 8 room mates happy to see me. i love having somewhere to go at nite even if its for nothing. i love walking. i LOVE walking. i love walking and talking. i love walking and smoking. i have a love/hate relationship with cigarettes. i hate my personality. i hate my insecurities and obligatory shyness. i hate being by myself and i love feeling bad for myself while being alone. i hate that i like sympathy and i hate that i feed on it. i hate my state of being at this time but i love my high hopes for the future. i love kids and hope to have them. i dont want my kids to be like me (not entirely). i love my parents but hate that i cant tell them that. i hate saying the word dead. i hate paper cuts. i hate being cut off while walking. i love being a passenger in a car filled with music and silence. i love driving. i love eating baked potatoes. i hate waiting for my hot chocolate to cool. i love ranch on everything. i love drunken pizza taste and being loud and obnoxious. i love all my wishful dreams before going out "partying" and turning all my rejections into a joke/trophy at the end of the nite. i love watching people play guitar. i love playing nintendo. i hate being away from those i care about (even if just for a day). i hate the feeling of being unheard. i hate parental nagging from beyond the realm of college. i hate parents coming to visit me (this is my world, id rather just see them at home). i hate that i want to avoid my parents, but feel its natural. i hate that i have nothing "warmer" than my heaviest hoodie. i love taking long showers, even if it pisses off people. i hate when people use the toilet stall next to mine. i hate living with all guys. i love the idea of being in love. and i love that i love to hate, and love to love. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we are all creatures of habit, my habits are just a little less productive. my face is chapped, but i dont mind. the wind can break things, or it can lift them. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- when im worn and strangled of strength, my body starts to look for love (what a fool). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- keeps me at ease... lulls us to sleep. speak in such urgency. im sorry, retract, so it goes. all i can do is quietly refuse, try and to hide from what is now due. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my history teacher brought our conversation on freud into a discussion on drugs, by asking a girl in my class, "have you ever done drugs?" "no" "marijuanna?" "no" "hash?" after this is it was all downhill. we began discussing how elephants like to get drunk and how marijuanna helps you run from the cops. then how my proffesor used to run from the cops and how its ok if there are years of your highschool days you cant recall due to too many drugs. in the end, i felt much better about my habits. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- keep making copies of copies of copies of copies... when will it end. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you cant strangle someone elses life so you can be comfortable. i need more friends, i feel like im hurting those i already have and they just cant help me. need new passion, compassion... spirit. INTERJECTION -- THIS ISNT MEANT AS HURTFUL OR ANYTHING TO ANYONE... JUST I FEEL THAT IM DOING YOU GUYS MORE DAMAGE THAN GOOD AND VICE VERSA (its all in my head), SO I NEED TO EXPAND MY CIRCLES SO IM NOT SO RELIENT. wasnt this bomb built for everyone. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- all we are is what we dream to be. i feel like i belong on the island of lost toys, you know, where that plane flew under water and the jack in the box that didnt jack, etc. where whatever their purpose was they didnt do right or were unable to do. i would like to pull up a chair there. feel so incomplete. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- how long after a train is derailed does it take for them to lift it back onto the tracks? honestly, do they just get a crane and lift it back on and keep going? sure, a few of the cars are going to be destroyed, but still, more or less of the train is still operational. iv lost a few important cars, and to keep toiling up this hill iv released a few on my own accord. i cant keep letting go of my components so easily, hell... i doubt iv even been lifted back onto the rails yet. been lying down so long, just seems a bother to get up. who am i kidding, WAKE THE FUCK UP. iv taken too many blows to heart, when they didnt mean a thing. life isnt a relentless downfall, it has to be a rollercoaster, or else where would all the fun be. i ask each day, why do you spend all your time by yourself? i know i dont want to be alone, but id rather be by myself. (no one wants to be by themselves). i need new friends, not that i dont love you guys. but im doing so awful and something has to change and your all too busy for the amount of upkeep i need. i just need more friends... friends who dont know what a large bill i entail. im a scam, draining souls and ideals. show me some strength, we dont have to just be enemies. i want a juicebox, i want some pesto pasta, i want a hug, a tender glance, consideration. everyone is so tied up in school because it is so demanding, they are busy looking after themselves and their prospective interests and love interests, i should be looking after my own. i need to acquire some, i need to build upon, spread, something different. i need new circles. just, something has to open up, just by sheer chance something has to happen, its been so long. just throw someone in my lap, please. chris, shut the fuck up. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i have a stalker. i have no solid backbone to settle myself agaisnt, i cant stand and make decisions. i need something to prop myself agaisnt so i can stand level and interact with people. i dont play well with others, and im a horrible friend except to a few people. its no excuse, i just cant help it, and if i can im not doing much about it. im sorry, ill come around, its just this current position is really bending my neck and my spectrum is running a little short. i dont expect your hand in this, because its rarely been offered before. but still, could you just come hold me sometimes? could you just come stop by and say hello? could you just... could you just be my friend? i know, too much pressure, im asking too much, being overly demanding and selfish, etc. i am horribly melodramatic. take this latest hopeful outburst and turn it into a heart attack. id blow this whole world to pieces not to be alone. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- if you find yourself here, on my side of town, i pray that youd come to my door. im almost out of tape, and i cant keep covering these cracks. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hate is a creed learned only by the meek. the meek of mind, soul, and spirit. if i had to guess it, id say that spirit rises above all of these. mind, can be overcome by spirit. soul, is only for those seeking utmost perfection, or channeling of soul through work. but spirit, spirit is what carries all of this, spirit of over coming, superceding, and simply accomplishing. practicing, working, achieving. ehhh... soul too i guess. i mean, soul carries such high regards and significance. i would hate for someone to have such spirit and have nothing in their abilities or their deep soul offerings that can succeed with. soul... spirit, and mind i guess. because if you arent educated than although you are creating this wonderfulness, it is without deep meaning, or a bettering of oneself, or an introspective pull that can be given merit and heart. i dont know, you need all three, no one or two other weigh out the third. in all types of life you need a balance, a true equal setting. because its not about your medium or your means of working through life, its about your LIFE, thats all that matters. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- passion... god i want passion. you seem so tense. dont worry, im only temporary. "no, you see. If he kills me, i dont fear him, he fears me." do you fear death? not exactly, i mean i want to live, everything wants to live. i do fear enjailment, i fear that aspect of life where you live as if already deceased. being forgotten, shunned, locked away, alone, lost, etc. death, death has no fears because you feel nothing after it. but living in a sense of aloneness like one sees that black void they call death as, thats fear. im afraid, constantly. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the skies grew taller to seperate mans wish to be closer to heaven. as we stretched our faces upward god was forced to leave his box seat. god dead? god on vacation? no, we shooed him off with our desire to see him and his desire to stay hidden. we pried apart his veil of clouds with our skyscrapers. we stole his heaven with our jet engines. we sequesterd his pedestool with our telescopes. and we claimed his footrest for our own with our space ships. we ask where god is now? out of our eyes, and in such sense, we out of his. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wait for it... AHAHAAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHH FORGET THIS NOW!! HARDER A MISERY IS AGAIN HARDER HARDER HARDER HARDER DOWN. STRIFE TO RISE AND FALLOW AGAIN. DEATH THE CAUSE OF THE HEART. only a shadow, only a whisper, only a touch, only sex. pulls these people down in circles along the paper trail. no no no no no, there is... there is... a snake wrapped round her leg. a fang sunk deep seeping within her breast. no stone cold yet, but venom and fear. oh yes... just wait... there is... there is... LIAR! CAN YOU! CAN YOU! DEATH TO CAUSE THE HOPE TO RISE AND CRASH AGAIN. NEVER LEAVE, YOU THINK YOU SHARE BUT YOU HAVE NOTHING LESS OF ME. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you saw me. let it burst and bloom. im definitely shaking. i cant remind you of my name. expel my heart of your flame. still. still. be still. sunk with memories aplenty on this haunted ship. i miss her still. still. be still. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i want someone to be INVOLVED in my life. and i want to be involved in theirs. im tired of being a failed heterosexual. its not about the food, its about the company. where is love now... ba ba buh da da... where is love now... ba ba ba buh. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- http://hits4pay.com/members/index.cgi?Hushpuppygreen ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- she pulled some strings, and suddenly i was being dragged along her side by a hang mans rope. "there no need to fight, theres no need for anything anymore." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it just goes to show, to me, these emotions are a reason to move. its just a step, there are no reasons to get confused. go get your heart(beat). an hour, i dont really mind, its already been two years. you win, but its a victory only we can share equally. only few times have i ever felt so hopeful. oh, i would kill for a muse, but ill settle for a connection. i just started in, but im making progress. i thought that you were heaven, i steered my ship towards your setting sigh and ended up in wreckage, i ended up without a word left to blame. the ink has dried and the stone has set, you gotta sink to swim. revived by pounding serf, skin and sand. this blood i found was not my own, this blood i found was his. i imagine what hed say, maybe he said it to you. oh god. i made my vestage upon a psuedonym, i left my arms and coat and struggled to pull offshore. chances, i hope these three lefts take me where im granted. if this reef is all the fortitude iv been put behind, then ill surround within. iv got the means, you were only the operations. thanks for the idea, ill carry the plan. ill stop speaking for me, ill entertain. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- so tonite to celebrate ill make myself sick. i will open. i will be open. i joined alongside the couches, i asked if i could share in a moment and they declined. another cough, another echo, twice more removed and twice more amplified. did he offer a condolance, or did he just smile and make up another excuse. is there anyone you really wish you knew? its not like these practiced words lose any more meaning than the regurgitated feelings you acknowledge as just for me. a kiss behind the closet made all the pages of this storybook stick together. i dont want to read you anymore. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i snap-ped. i cant be unhooked (because we make such a good team). spent the last two days learning all about communism. and, without surprise, im pretty much in favor of it. i think if we would drop the embargo restriction than cuba would become a very peaceful and model nation. they were doing fine till we put them in our democratic or die choker hold. i dont know, iv really begun wondering what else i have a warped perception of because i live where i do. the U.S. is very much big brother, and i cant write properly right now. i have too much on my mind and too many apprehensions. is there pie in my future? i think so. but married in my minds no good. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "yeah, so my mom was drinking, and i come home. and shes REALLY drunk and rolling around on the floor smacking her ass... i just didnt know what to do..." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im a lot like you so please. hello. im here. im waiting. i think id be good for you, and youd be good for me. im all out of stylish mission statements. which i think is GOOD. because it is time to starting getting back to myself, and back to getting happy, and back to getting towards the getting. letting things slip is horribly pointless, and while i know this and just let it happen anyways, im going to put a stop to it. because honestly, letting myself feeling left out isnt being left out at all, its just me. its always been just me. let me know the truth. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sick. shopping for turquoise, need to find just the right piece because i desperately need a new necklace soon. my old one... caught fire. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i had tonsilitis right before i came to school. i think im getting it again. i figure if i buy a jug of vodka and a carton of orange juice i should heal right up in a few nites. screwdrivers are the college students cough syrup. vodka kills the germs, and the vitamin c in the oj gets you healthy and strong. after a few takings a day you really do start to feel better, then sleep soundly on top of that. its perfect. so perfect. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its tuesday. i like tuesDAY. i hate tuesNITE. take me out. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- who keeps reading this at 5 A.M. most everyday? i just have to know, because that is really early. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- two new attractions. followups? probably not. trying to get the words to start falling out. trying to start falling into place. i feel like an old school milton bradley game. either "dont break the ice" or "cootie". it makes sense, think abstractly (because you have to). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Her Tongue Was Too Dull To Kill In One Pass ----- We are bullets, striking streamlined passion from our pores, / Collected in tea-kettles as nooses of twisted bed sheets lift our bodies. /// A name I had four meanings for and a handle constantly scalding all curiosity, / Four times Cupid confused for Icarus and both left for fallen bodies. /// A sickness shared in skin, equally infectious to the minds, / Our hands gently rocking the caskets which cradle past bodies. /// Like fall fashion, we bled through and faded before a second wearing, / Propped against pillows, swearing the phone ringing was heavenly singing bodies. /// There are only enough words I�ve not said to fill ten minutes of conversation, / But each minute is strong enough to age us indefinitely from youth�s bodies. /// Quick beats, sharp words, her musical backbone filled with aspirations and amputations, / Underneath buried sleeves hold photographs of once colorful bodies. /// We all know what we regret; done up in combs of honey and a pinafore dress, / Mascara on one eye, a wish to be Asian, and an anorexic disgust of physical bodies. /// City sidewalks scarfed in snow your home, Enjoui left to shuffle among his own, / If the world can continue turning under such weight, than so can these solitary bodies. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- feeling _________ for __________ is __________. you�ll break when you realize im no longer holding you together. he has lonely disillusions. im losing my mind, so they cut the electricity. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i dont want to be a statistic. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we're taught to work for a wage for our whole lives. we're taught that this is how it is done, what we all do, the way it is. thats not how im going to let go. life IS NOT about a position, a pay check, a Dr. in front of your name. CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL. fuck the system, ill take as much as i can stomach and use it to just propel myself away from that bullshit. i dont want an hourly figure, i dont want a semi-executive partial view office, i dont want three people working below me and a personal assistant, i dont want a corporate ladder or reserved parking space, i dont want years of minimal percentage pay increase, i DONT WANT to be a piece of a greater whole. i dont play well with others. ill graduate, and then ill go about my own. iv seen what "sucess" does to people. and it kills them. you always need more, more money, more time, more days off, more hours, more routes, more clients, more students, more coffee. you never finish working, even when you retire you need to work, because your conditioned to NEVER be comfortable unless under application. i can be comfortable doing nothing. i dont want to feel useless and a failure after my body is no longer able to sustain a work schedule and i become an obseletion because i dont entirely comprehend some new system. i dont want to be office material, i dont want to be the human equivalent of a stapler, just keeping space and work load until something better, cheaper, faster comes along. people are replaceable, we are all training to be replaceable, because we are all training to replace someone else. your working to fill in a position someone else is no longer qualified to fill. the "system" is constantly changing over, going younger and fresher, a new face every 10 years. i wont be replaced and placed into a file folder. fuck your white picket fence, ill burn it along with all bridges of granduer. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- check. check check check check check. recover me slowly, slowly re-align, ill let you go if you can say never. they didnt understand how to make this mess into an all american cover story. dad got dumped and left with two kids, mom commuted to school and never tasted life. both now wither under a blue shuttered roof, wishful for more from life, depressed with minimal sucess. they achieved everything they were supposed to, but feel all the worse for the maulings their far aged bodies/minds recieved, abused by the system. they "achieved everything they were taught they needed/wanted to, then the system spit [them] back out and left them to decay." one less cog. thousands more coming everyday. no one cries for the old vessels. old equipment by the road side. american dream, work till you die, work till you die, work till you die. might as well go impale yourself on that white picket fence. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "the only broken hearted loser youll ever need". atleast something is full, and sadly it is only my stomach. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- there is no passion in my blood. i need an omelette. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- time. time is gone. lost my seat again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- put your arms around me and tell me that your comfortable. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i tried absinthe the other nite... damn. i didnt hallucinate or anything, i just stared at my hand for a long long time and kept saying "this is my body... this is my body." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i cant stop licking my hand. it tastes like salt and skin. it tastes awful, but at the same time... it tastes, and just the simple additive of a taste is enough to keep me occupied. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i WISH i was listening to the yeah yeah yeahs right now. but instead im wishigni was out on an informational walk. dont you wish you were walking and talking with me? well if you dont... then ohwell, you suck.. no, you dont, just you probably know what is best for you. Good nite you. whomever you are, i wish i was snuggled up close to you, breathing deep within your skin. perhaps another nite, perhaps. probably not... but i wish i was, i miss another person close to me. i miss a lot of things. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- on the telephone. i know i know. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i got a man who makes me want to kill. i got a man who makes me want to kill. saw certain girl again, no one of consequence. just she catches my eye so i recognize her when i cross her ways. tonite was a very chill nite, so i was trying to contact aziz as i walked down the sidewalk (psst... i feel like im typing in cursive. literally, its the flow of the fingers, not the form of the type). and she was walking towards me, and i recognized it was her from a distance away. and when we passed we connected eye contact for like 6 feet infront of where we were and staid until we even passed. it was cool, nothing besides, no facial gesture or anything, just eyes. and it was like we were both acknowledging one another. like, yeah, i see you, and i like what i see. it was just a short moment in my nite, but it really gave me a a kick. i hate that word, but my vocab feels somehow short tonite. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- goodnite. hug. kiss. i wish. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i wish i could do more, and i know i can. so im going to... eventually. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my poetry teacher tried an ode to summer as an elegy to summer and upon the lines of "jumping into piles of leaves" changed it to "jumping into piles of dead bodies". poetry humor, it was funny in the classroom. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i want to be a disney character, like at disney world. im going to go to the information session tomorrow nite and sign up for an interview. i think i could do it very well. and i would love to be some child endearing character, either eeyore or pooh. yeah, well i guess i have to start working on my horribly exaggerated arm motions, etc. what a great semester that would be, dressing up everyday and making kids smile and laugh, and then every nite partying in condos with a bunch of really cool college kids and riding the baby maker. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hah... that last entry was so shit. thanks bright eyes. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- dont you dare forget. i want to go on a car ride with you. your eyes are so large, i cant believe you even take the time to blink. if its your fear that makes you too afraid to speak up/out, well, its cool if you keep quiet. you know its just a comfortable conclusion, arent you tired of being comfortable? i think you better find your place. if it makes you happy then keep kneeling... but im trying to stand up. it is, but i like what it is. i wish i could just keep hanging around here, but i have to do something. i have to chase that dream iv been letting drag me along for all these months. to love, and to be loved. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tell me what you want me to hear. tell me its alright. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i apologize. im such a whiny bitch. still we all sleep sound. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i have a crush. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- now its my turn to enjoy the feelings of rejection. your welcome. this chalk outline suits me nicely. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- acoustic screams. im dying but it only comes out in echoes. my hand extended for help is just clawing at my own face. the only MISTAKES are the looks i MISTOOK. and my throat was gone long before, you knew just what to take, and you knew what to leave behind. me. the only evidence will be this bath tub filled with ice and your name on the blade. i must have been swept alongside the drain, cause the room wont stop spinning and your taking your time. its moments like these that repeat and play in my head. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- when its eminent its clear. just say it once, let me catch a glimpse, so i can see it for myself, cause im so tired of hearing it from everyone else. let me just go. just say what you want me to say, and ill repeat it word for word, and ill be nothing like the last ones. ill be just like me, im losing all my skins and growing up too fast. dont worry, i wont die, you keep me going while you drain me from AB to O+. dont worry, i wont die for you. you can take everything from my frame but my will to live. theres some hope in there, somewhere. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "must be nice to be so fragile." i let them tell me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- theres no such thing as second chances, dont bother to explain. dont bother to explain. we trust and believe so easily in words, we seek security in one another. but theres no way to cover this. and these tragic nights and afternoons are a disaster. i can still feel you as if you were in the room, where is our story? where does it start? i buried you along with my heart. this night seems so careless, i promised myself i wouldnt feel anything, but im seeping with regret alongside tears. i never was beautiful enough for you. its hopeless, and i know this... thats why im smiling to myself before i tighten your grip. it keeps me grounded, in the lengths of paths we walk, your shadows always block out my own. i need to fill this empty island with healthy souls. i need to stop divulging on misery and take part in life. the cure. you never were my cure. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the one person who i want to care... doesnt. i dont know how i feel. im a little drunk so right now i dont give a shit what i type. i feel isolated, lost alone, uncared for, etc. it just sucks. i wish that she would just give me some consideration, but at the same time i dont expect it. i could never "be with her" because she isnt caring enough. she isnt "obsessed" enough. i know thats an awful term, but still... i need a certain sense of crazy about love to keep my going. because im always crazy about when im dating/in love. and if there isnt a certain level of involvement i sort of go mad. no... right now i just want some attention. i feel so alone and unwanted, no one ever IMs me or asks me to go eat with them or just come over. im always just sitting here by myself... i hate it. and at the same time it drives me to be an awful friend because since i feel they dont want me around i dont invite them out because i dont feel they want to be out with me. i just feel rejected. im in a bad place right now and im just constantly worsening. i feel im going to lose all my friends because since i never invite them anywhere they never invite me anywhere. i miss my friends, i miss them a lot. im sorry i didnt go to the play tonite, i was honestly working all nite... i really wanted to go. i feel so bad i didnt go, i really wish i had gone. but iv been working all nite and i still have to get up early tomorrow and finish. i have a test tomorrow too i havent studied for. i wish i had gone, i wish i had seen my friends... i havent seen them in so long. outlaws was tonite, i wonder if they went? if so they didnt invite me... i miss my friends. i miss their smiles, i miss the fun we had. maybe i just dragged them down too much, maybe i was just a shitty friend. maybe i should move on, i guess i will. i guess in the mix of things this is just another fuck up on my part. i miss you guys, wish i could see you... wish i could see you. honestly... miss you like nothing else, wish i could see you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- isolated. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i just had the worst most awful dream ever. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- GOD DAMN I AM SO FUCKING LONELY... someone please talk to me. ill just go to bed. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i dont feel like writing, i feel like throwing up continuessly. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you can take my picture, cause i wont remember ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just as he hit the ground running, his screams split his lips and left him unmoving, unchained. Will he move out of this cellar, will he try to make changes and fill all his pockets, fall away. i tell you one day, when the buses stop running, the tides will change courses and shallowly sit on the graves. dead marked agaisnt post lamps, half heartedly wishing to one day be dug up and propped agaisnt curtains on display. cant you hear the sounds strumming, the four horseman running, tearing down pastures and rampanting the lost and the brave. theres no point, theyr coming, iv set up my shop on the corner, ill sell lemonade. i dont care for time shares, i wont break my life into moments to market away. all i have is this button, you told me you liked it, you thought it was pretty. id pin us together if only i could, one day this chalk outline will circle this city, then we'll see whos laughing when all of your words burn away. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im down for whatever. im down for the count. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its gotten late... but still i hesitate to say those things i wish i had said all those months ago. regret is a rich cake im so tired of eating. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- watch me establish myself as i cower in the shadows. full of capitols and watered down ideas. weighed down so that i can move forwards. i took a little more of what i take for granted. somethings got to weigh me down. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i dont have to be here... but information travels faster than i can outrun my own misdoings. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you float me along like its more than just some ounce of hope, but an entire vessel of love. youv started giving me the shivers, I THINK YOUR GREAT AND UNDERSTATED. its getting clearer but we have to stop thinking and start acting. i know its dangerous, so swallow deep. you cant keep faking that you dont feel this... not anymore. i cant expect you to make just one simple trip... its much more than i thought i could attempt. with time, my words stop sticking and start sinking. so split your heart in half and give me a portion, i could never keep you all to myself. iv waited for you, but youv been alongside me for the duration, so drive away your mouth from my ears... and waste a day so we can have atleast that to reflect on. ill reflect when you finally start to expect. your aiming to please but i think your entirely off target... finish your rounds, ill take a backseat while you fill yourself. take your time, dont swim too far though, iv been drowning as is. iv caught glimpses more often than iv caught my breath. i know everyone has to go home eventually. but life is just... life. no, iv trailed along before, and i know that it just cant last. im moving on, and i know your only waving becuase i lied and told you id be back tomorrow. no, i dont think much will change, im headed shoreward, i hope whatever floating palace your searching for turns up before you get tired. i cant revive you anylonger. its the impossibility of waiting for love on permission... i tried to choke my grasp, but only ended up choking you. we share... but we wander along different paths. ill watch you, asterixes, synonyms and vowels. talking to me as you watch through the window, always making sure. im dancing around a topic without any idea of how im going to do it justice. this is bullshit. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LET THIS WORLD BACK DOWN. still we all sleep sound... is this what you wanted? i dont know... im sort of tired of poetic metaphor shit, it just doesnt really work for me anymore. my head hurts, and my heart hurts, and im really really lonely. but not even in the sense of needing a woman, i just need a hand to rub my head. no one was around tonite, and its not like i can turn to my room mates, just cause theyr pretty much not the sensitive type. so iv expelled beyond needing a companion to just needing company. someone come talk to me or something, i feel very shut off. cant we just sit and play board games and talk about talking. i need a house, or an apartment, some place where my friends will always be close at hand so ill never have to go through spells like this. ahhh... no, i still need a companion. a kind heart. hell, im just messed up. i dont even realize when i complain anymore, its just a wall. a big fucking wall. be my dynamite. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- severing dead ties. (i dont mean it that harshly, i dont mean it almost at all). it may last the rest of your life. THEYLL TAKE YOU. i wish theyd take me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i said love, but it was a stain ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- id start an argument but iv run out of backers. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- isnt love an artform? a blind opus. a transcending chorus of melodic notes deriven not from instruments, but of heart strings plucked permantently staccato. love is a ballad, a ballet, an eternally repeating recital without perfection or performance. its in the works. its evolving. its never finished and never near completion. its a constantly expanding canvas that can never be filled. its growth, and beauty. love is something that you dont want to finish, that you need to always be in wanton of. love is the ever lasting art piece, the never ending harmony, the final masterpiece. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- id like to see you try this. STOP THE SHOW STOP THE SHOW. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im sorry im a DICK, im making the proper changes, give me a day or two. Im just a little frustrated, a little lonesome, and a little fed up. but its no reason to treat women poorly, i apologize to anyone iv offended. please, kick me in the "balls", its a long time coming. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- attention. i know this has been brought to the surface before, but im reitterating for the sake of finalizing. i am ON the market, thats right, not gay (not yet), looking for a FEMALE companion. im strictly emphasizing the "companion" portion of this statement. you dont have to love me, i dont mind if you forget me, etc. just keep me company, enjoy the time we spend together, maybe give me a few hugs, tell me im pretty, cuddle with me from time to time. thats all, thats IT. i wont find another "companion" while im with you, ill bake, buy you gifts, sing horrible songs, make you laugh, make you smile, and be there if you cry. fuck sappyness, ill support you. ill support you in EVERYTHING you do, and i wont forget why its important to you. and i wont doubt your abilities, and i wont say you cant, or i cant. ill be there when you want me to be, and ill leave you when you feel smothered. im putting myself in an EXTRAordinarily vulnerable position, so please dont take advantage of me. i want someone who appreciates me like i do them, and in such an arrangment find some degree of warmth. i need something healthy and i need someone who i know when they look at me and smile they are thinking how much they love that im me and im there. ill think it, i promise. there are disclaimers, i cant just "do this" with anyone, im sorry but you must be selected. which creates the difficulty of this ever happening. but im hopeful, so please find me some time relatively soon, ill keep a look out for you. (i dyed my hair... its black, in case you hadnt heard) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- just wait here till tomorrow comes. you dont have to go back to your one room apartment. ill keep you happy if you keep me company. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im in central pennsylvania today. i built myself up out of recycled materials. im sputtering left (i got it, dont worry, its [im] under control), cant quite turn (the) right (way). im only getting by on what im reusing. recycled moments, memories of heartfelt touches and clenched eyes trying to just create a second for a minute longer. dont open your eyes, please, i just want to hold you like this. but your ride is at the door flashing her headlights. i tried to keep my mystique, but i found that nothing is free. and the locusts are screaming as i paw down the streets. and i know that nothing is happening without reason or fault, and someones responsible while others are not. and i might explode but im holding it in. theres no point in consequence if you dont even begin. BUT BEGIN WHAT! i scraped together piles of ash from all the bridges i burned, but they just sifted through my hands and blew in the wind. you cant relive moments that youv decided to leave. just cause its gone doesnt change the fact that its fantasy. and love that isnt loved is nothing but wistful pain, cause while you remember all the good times and wish you had them again, it does nothing but hurt you for the sake that its past. the ash just stings my eyes, thats why im crying, its their fault, not mine. they set the first match while i drenched the foundtaions with gas. we laughed for a while, then we all burned apart. i can almost see the tops of the trees from my window, they dont know what its like to be held indoors all your life. they dont know what its like when your walls dont actually exist. i can see them when i want to, and i know i can reach past them, but i cant fly high enough to reach past their shallows. ill suredly drown tomorrow. im floating today, but ill suredly drown tomorrow. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fists full of tongues bounced off the walls, never settling to the floor. this is no place to raise a family, 2nd or first. trusts are crumbling fast, i cant stand to even say what every mother deserves. but dont worry, im coming home, atleast one more time. and if i turn out the way he did, im sorry... but sometimes i worry i will. i know what it does, i know what he does, but im just like him. you said so yourself, youv always told me how im just like him. dont get me started now, i know its your birthday and i want to save you the trouble. whats twenty years when all iv had is 19. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- today i thought something that iv never thought before, and in a way i was worried and in another i was relaxed. maybe things will start being more clear now, maybe they wont be as hard or as frustrating. maybe things will stop being so confusing... or maybe this will just fuck me up like you wouldnt believe. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the trouble starts (the trauma starts over again). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- typing all of these entires about "you" and a specific sentiment. i need new material, new topic, new discussion. maybe tomorrow. today still belongs to you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- your thinking too much, im the one thats supposed to be paranoid. where is our story now? i buried it alone (with my heart). you believe so easily. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- piling sandbags 4 rows high around my heart. im not letting you wash it away. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i cant EXPLODE. i cant let you just drive away. why cant you think clearly. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i watched this pop-up book scene unfold like clockwork striking. i broke off a piece more than i could manage (something has got to weigh me down). "im on my knees, what more do you want?" thats the best he can do, your expectations are swimming headfirst into a dam. i got taken for a ride, i got taken for granted. youv been brewing (brooding) this poison for years now. atleast i was the first to struck. iv seen so much more than i could ever block out. "he'll be permanently blind in a week." "i think im drunk enough to drive you home now." by ignoring the consequences you learn whats most important. "he'll never be quite the same. you dont recover from a nite like this." just rest now, i know youv been waiting all day. iv been waiting all year. (im still waiting). "the world won't end with a bang... it will end with a whimper". ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WEIGH ME DOWN SO I CAN FALL FORWARD. Im trying to sound this out. im trying to do this in order. finger spelling all the words i forgot into my bucket of water. climbing as high as the highest limb will let me and jumping trying to get an inch closer to the highest reach. knocking your breathe from my lungs. weighed down so i can move forwards. im shackling myself to all my vanities and insecurities in the hope that it will let me finally move forward. bondage with/without boundaries. cant wait to move on. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im trying to do this in order. sex smells like cinammon, god i miss spices. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- finally, i still cant sleep at nite. in a hotel room i found your body cold and unwilling between the sheets. whenever i come home, you peer through the windows and pretend to be asleep. your safe from the cameras, theyv all gone for the nite. iv got reminders all up my arms to tell you i love you (i know you hear me by the way you yawn and say your going to bed). your eyes are always closed, i hope your hearts just asleep. (you cant afford to be innocent). i cant fall asleep, you cant stay awake. you keep the bed so cold, your always so cold. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im stalling for just five more minutes till i absolutely have to go, im typing one letter at a time with my right index and middle fingers. five more minutes. i really impatiently want to leave. i also really want to go back to bed. its time to sleep. its time to go to class. its not cold enough for my liking just yet. but ohwell. marshmellow pies. kaleidoscope eyes. hopefully today. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tossing and turning is all that youll get. when will it end (the suspense is killing me [i hope it keeps up]). i can only keep this up as long as i need to. iv found no way that i can make my come back. what i need is what you offer. so dont hold back and dont hold it in. its what we are. its what you are. i just know. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- assumptions leading to assumptions. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Promises... probably see till i choke. dont cry, my dreaming jesus sighs, built in constant embrace. sounds like fracques lullaby, drifting these scratches into memories. iv seen, why seems, this seems that promises, till i slow. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Theres always an underlying reason, and i know that guilded smiles dont build happy endings. Though sometimes i just wish i was blind. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hands palm down on the floor. lets start out by picking ourselves up again. your no good at trying to talk about the things you dont know anything about. and i know you heard every word i said because you used them all agaisnt me. we were bullets and you were always aiming straight. my chamber is full and yours is spent. the bell shakes and tells us its time to seperate again, to split into parts less ourselves and more whats becoming of us. goodbye for the memories. its only enough to fill my eyes (this is serious). the lights are all out on your street, youv left before i showed again. get up (GET OUT) and get in (GET OUT), lets get activated. your never home anymore, your never home when i want to be there (your no home to me). my homes no home anymore. we sank ourselves in time. TAKE MY HANDS, id cry if i didnt try to. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tears me up, breaks me down, wears me in, cleans me out. its only killing me. dont fret my arienette, just keep me under control. im sorry it wasnt me, im sorry my temper has done nothing but temper myself under the pressure. it wasnt your eyes that stopped me, it was the absence of you in them. i never want to chase away your softness again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- crashing from a skyrise. like a newborn propped into a folding chair. cheerio's please. its only dark out when the moons shining. its only dark out because the moons shining. im only dark because i wish i could be the moon. im only dark because im awaiting the sunrise, because im awaiting the sun, because im awaiting you. because you are my sun. and without you i am nothing but bleak desert. your my light, all my light is simply your own reflected. im your moon, awaiting morning. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and step in every crevice, and hold fast to every outlanding jut. if you make every single mistake you can possibly make, then maybe it will outweight every right decision until everything thats so wrong is everything so right. iv tried being right for so long, im ready to take the alternatives over the moralities. if you found yourself here on my side of the fence, then i dont think youd talk back so often. and if i could mount this wall and fall to where you were standing, then i dont think any of this would matter. despite broken legs id be lifted. (she warms my heart) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- yes, we are bullets. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my hand smells like peanut butter because im not sure why. the expanse from the agricultural science and engineering building to the back of borland lab smells like tuna fish because im not sure why. the patch of grass between the math deparment building and old main smells like dish soap because im not sure why. the hallway in my building smells like triscuits because im not sure why... but im scared. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i love dark haired women. i love dark haired women because i love the shade, because kissing the tops of their heads while lying next to them is like watching the sun kiss the leaves while lying beneath a tree. i love dark haired women because of their angelic features. how their hair contrasts their blanched skin and gives it the appearence of porcelain. i love dark haired women because she looked at me and smiled. because she doesnt have to pretend to not notice every guy who glances at her, because she doesnt have to think herself to good for anyone, because beneath that dark hair she cares. I love dark haired women because she is. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i wish every word had as much intended meaning and emphasis as "heaven" or "hell" do. words are the glue of our entire world, we rely on communication to keep us above and beyond all other creatures. i know that you cant hold EVERY moment as a BEAUTIFUL moment and you cant appreciate EVERY second of the day (because then your head will explode). if you take in too much, then youll miss out on so much, but if you dont take the time to look at life, really stare it down, then you wont get anything out of it. maybe not EVERY word should be as deep and reflective as "heaven" or "hell", but maybe we should start taking a few more words a little more seriously (love). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im not so sure that i need fear so heavily in the 10 deadly sins anymore. because it seems everyone is taking their own personal crack at them and their doing just fine. while the divorce rate is climbing we're actually living longer. so what does all this mean? i dont really care, i just want to wake up tomorrow. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- traffic lights are giving us the go, theres no reason not to believe anymore. pushing back in our seats, telling you how every feeling i have is for you, but your not convinced (your never convinced). you just saw the sun coming up and said it was time to go (but it was only headlights passing). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i feel weak as fuck. ate an apple, i remembered it has some nutrional value equal to some other amazing nutritional value, so i felt better after i ate it. atleast, the placebo like affect of better, which is better than nothing. oh placebos, you know just how to make me feel. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- life would be more interesting if it didnt rely on a monitary system and instead on one of trade and barter. everything would be worth only as much as you want it to be. you only give for it as much as your willing to give for it. sure, youd still get ripped off just the same, but on your own terms. i want to trade a pack of gum for a bicycle. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- build your sleep. self designed (enigmatic). DREAMS are portals into answers we havent yet begun to question. DREAMS are glimpses of pasts of futures (or anything if life is a continuous repeating cycle). DREAMS are fantasies that are too fantastic to take part in in conscious states. DREAMS are without limits, reigns, nuts or bolts. they are their own. they breathe and exist as much as we do. dreams are constant, they dont turn off when you wake up, they simply go about their own ways until you return to them. dreams are impatient, they are constantly trying to put you back to sleep so they can have their fun. dont just sleep, dream. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its "multi-directional" its "universal". its cowardice. no, its just an easy excuse. his eyes are crossed out and his head is rolled backwards. hes awkward in gait and stringent in fashion. he has no real meaning but hes full of metaphor. hes reaching beyond his limits but drawn back at the same time. hes alone, yet he dances. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we dont want what we cant touch. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sanctuary for a recluse. save everyone. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i dont "have" to do anything. this doesnt seem quite fair. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- twice the speaker stops without interruption. no one is saying anything. i dont want to get caught. mirrors for princes. let him finish. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- they take all the taste out. she never complains (she never even notices). she swears im always welcome, but shed never get up to let me in. my secrets are full of bones, my closets are over flowing and no one takes any notice. gained another corpse today, just added it to the pile (dont mind the smell [she doesnt mind the taste]). last nite the sidewalks were quiet (quietly losing control). please, someone keep me under control. no, she wont let me in. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i am without story. i am storyless. i need story, i want to be remembered (regarded). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- please someone keep me under control ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i will pacify my thirst with an artistic brush. every stroke is deliberate and calculated. unlike personality and people, my art is un-awkward. i dont plan to make emphasis of feeling or emotion. it isnt cold, its just unreachable, without connection or reference. im cutting it off, my art is flagged from my personal pitcher (iv already given so much [what will be left of me when this keg is tapped?]}. saving myself for passion, not forsaking myself for creation. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- so if i compared every foot of my body to a link in a chain, where would the weakest link be? i broke my ankle once, but never casted it so its significantly weaker than my other ankle, but it gives me no problems. my constantly expanding and gross stomach? my docile and reluctant brain? my skinny and toneless arms? my un-caloused fingers? my bulky knees and rounded thighs? if i were to break this morning, where would i tear? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lightning streaks into my bedroom, filling my thoughts and filing its way into my legs. thunder bends over and rolls across the carpet, electrifying my socks and forcing them to dance along its waves. clouds collect along the tiles on the ceiling, filling in the loose cracks and covering my halogen light. rain drops. mother nature is pissed off. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- if i was adam and i could name all the animals, i would have named them according to their Dr. Suess names. the world seems too common, we need snozzers and zingers and snufflebadingers. we need more smiles, and saying the word "cat" isnt nearly as fun as saying the word "wampledonger". (i dont care how excessive every name would sound, look how long it takes to say simple words in japanese). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- jackets crashing to the floor. a peaceful landscape of scattered clothing and heavy scents. love is in the air? no, sex is in the air. catching waffs of smoke and sex as i tumble about the sidewalks and backroads of campus. everyone here seems to be smoking or fucking (well, except me of course). college is where you do EVERYTHING your parents told you not to do. drink, smoke, drugs, casual sex, party, etc. i love it, i entirely adore it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- youll never die and youll never grow old. youll never die and youll never grow old. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- everybody feels lost. you have to feel something until your found. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i hear bells. the PHONES ringing and she swears its angels. the phones ringing and she just swears its angels singing. and when the angels finish singing she just smiles and tells me how beautiful they were. were they beautiful? oh yes, they were beautiful. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PROBABLY. (not) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- see these marks. these are definitely skid marks left over by a paper plate drive-by. these damn gang boys knocking eachother up over some scuffle that took place at the little league fields. whole town is going to shit, next thing you know theyll be on to using styrofoam cups. its a tragedy, really. i lost 6 kids to plastic utensil related incidents last fall. these kids just dont realize how dangerous their actions really are. platter-ware war-fare just isnt as safe as it used to be. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im going back to school in a few days, im excited and hopeful. i have HUGE expectations and just lots of things on my mind. i want this year to be about becoming myself even moreso. i want to give fashionable kisses on the cheek to my female friends as a goodbye. i want to go for a walk after my last class instead of back to my dorm by myself. i want to walk around campus and even though i already know every square foot feel some sort of amazement about how THIS afternoon looks and THIS day is unfolding. appreciate everything for more than what it is. i want to be good, i want to be nice and open and welcome. i want to not be shy. i want to exPAND. i got my hair cut today. i HATE how when i first get my hair cut it always looks like a womans haircut. and remains so for several days till it loosens back out and gets dirty again. my hair is a constant battle. my hair is paying homage to my life. my life is paying the price. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- love bleeds out across the street (love bleeds out onto the highway). she was a baroness. it was a battle scene. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i feel like im full of empty spaces (which really seems a contradiction, but at the same time feels so apparent). its like a favorite quote of mine "yes, hes my brother, but its more like we were both raised only children." its just direct and has depth and depression, its impossible but totally what it is. hear the soar and the scream. im entirely inlove with being a misfit but im tired of the lack of returned love. and its not even bitching, its just expectation. and its not even expectation, its just hopefulness. everybody needs to be loved. but nobody wants to get hurt. im going to get my hair "styled" in two days. i want to be sexy. i want to be physically appealing and etc. im vain. im EXTREMELY vain. gotta go fill my head. (i should be ashamed [but i am]). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- when the vision turns and its beautiful (cause its chemicals). like a hole in the ground (theres nothing frightening here). if i wasnt too sure im swinging harder now (so lets check for circles). i hear cause theyr insane (im just not hungry). cause im so patient (there are so many rules to [scream]). truthless is putting it as understanding (an understatement). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- they didnt respond fast enough. they didnt want to help. it cant be :everyones: problem. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its not decidedly done so, it just sort of turns out that way. a world of brown and blue isnt so bad. they compliment eachother. i can get by without feeling so portrayed. maybe if i get just a few more (thinking 3?). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i need to prep. who cares now. and weeks now wish that you had stayed and made me sad and lonely. but in those weeks we had found everything we had. 4 days isnt even soon enough. to be gone is all i want right now, 4 days is more than two weeks. your so lucky, i want to be gone too. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- think. think outloud. is it loud enough. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sounds like im mad... you look like a ghost. walk like a killer. people make people crazy. theres only enough time between each blink to think about how many shots your going to fire off into the silence. so many things i have forgotten, i can only blink so many times. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- next year im throwing every brick. aim it straight. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- digging nails into my skin, rearing the worn layers from the newly exposed and bleeding scars. dried and cracked. poison to my veins. thanks grandma. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i wish i lived in a city like area. honestly, i just want close neighbors/friends and hangouts and shows and bars and parties and late nites walking to areas/places/anything merely close to excitement. i crave, thirst, desire excitement. i want to be absorbed by the city, let the concrete and gutters pick me apart. if the city is so alive i want to be part of that collective, im tired of feeling bleak and alone. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- when i find out i hope it all falls together. i always fall apart. this time im on my side. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ill be here quite awhile. fought in a war and i left my friends behind me. took a looking for the enemy, and only found myself. now my head is all knots and im playing the begger. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- dont leave the light on, i can see you regardless. is this some type of confidence that your trying to tack to the wall. i can read, im not stupid. drop these dimes along the sidewalk, its our toll. our toll for life. you have to pay at some point along the way, here looks as good as any. take a step and rear, go outside and start sitting tall with steeples steep. ten after nine and im done waiting for you, i have friends who are wondering where iv been. try this, try me on for size. tailor fitted to match your frame. i cant quite touch but if we hurry longer then we're sure to find out why life is such a frenzy. doesnt it seem like we never had the time to wait. too much of a hurry, life is such a frenzy. im on sabatical. this is my omission to life. i dont want to "have" to do anything. im detaching and watching on my own, this is me hall pass, my exemption. life moves on without me, so why bother trying to keep up. i like my space, i spent this summer wasting, always feeling wrong while always trying to be right. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i spent this summer wasting. staying up all nite (spent this summer wasting). the other nite felt sort of right in a wrong way. i dont like confrontations, i dont like "making" new acquaintances in a foreign environment. i love meeting new people, but i get shifty when tossed in a room with people i really dont know and am made a spectacle of. i was told i was vintage. i wish i was vintage. need more cash. need more clothes. need more vain (vanity). wish i was more vain. i am vain. wish she would forgive me for my honesty. now i just want to leave instead of dwelling on it. LIFE ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wish i had a scottish accent. wish i smoked thin wrapped cigar style cigarettes. wish i was 15 pounds thinner. wish i had a plan. i wish. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- like a v-rocket to your brain. GRIEF ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- now THATS a knife! i wish i was "armed" and dangerous. i think people would respect me more if i was constantly on edge and tossing a knife from hand to hand while my head jerked and contorted. the whole time i would sing showtunes, and if anyone had a problem id slice em. i think girls would like that too, or else they would just be to afraid to turn me down. id always wear my knife, even in the shower. and id name it peewee (which would be funny because it would be such a HUGE FUCKING KNIFE) and when i got angry id tell people they were making peewee angry and when peewee gets angry he likes to jab about inside the ribcage. yeah, peewee's always been a sucker for a thick juicy torso. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it KILLS to swallow it (you) down. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- just woke up from a crazy dream. i keep reading over a passage or two from way back written and i like what i wrote, but im concerned that im no longer writting up to par. that im not writing as well or as vividly or with as much depth, ingenuity, creativity, etc. ohwell. the dream. it was crazy, it should be a movie. there were these devil creatures that flew and had bodies well over 80 feet long. it was medieval times and there was this quasi-castle that they were attacking. there were only 3 of them. and there were these select individuals who could destroy them, sort of like the chosen knights, etc. but the knights had died off long ago and these were the last three demons. and the only one left who could destroy them was this young girl. the dream started when she brought one down. the ramparts were covered with archers and such melee weaponry, but it was no real use, these creatures were MASSIVE. and there bodies had 12 sets of wings staggard and folded back on one another. they were pitch black, so black they were transparent and were streaked with shifting red patterns. you could only really see the red while they moved in the sky so agaisnt the clouds they looked like bloody lightning. they had long muscular bodies and 4 arms and legs that bent in strange places. their head was very reminiscent of violator from spawn. and their hands were like clawed bear paws, they were designed for killing and killing, nothing else. the largest demon made a dive for the girl, she was outside cowering next to the body of her dead father. no one knew she was a chosen one. and when it dove for her she began screaming, not a fearful im going to die scream, but a scream like that girl in the incubus video. it was heartful and defiant and the creature swerved and crumpled into the ground. but it was flying well over a mile in the sky and when it hit it sort of exploded. its wings tore off and its body shredded and the only truly recognizable part was its torso/head. it lay unmoving staring at the girl, there hadnt been a chosen one in years. then this special caravan began moving picking up the pieces of the demon. they have an ability to regenerate but you wouldnt find this out till later in the movie. it caged each portion of wing in a seperate cast iron basket and placed all portions of the body upon spikes. the caravan was just a LONG flat platform on wheels with a cross on the end with spikes on it and cages and spikes staggard across it, it was 200 feet long. the collectors didnt actually touch the pieces of the demon, they picked it up with lances and spears. if you touched a piece something horrible happened, not sure what. the demon began speaking to the girl, but it was in hoarse latin, something baffled and angry. then the collectors came around to it and decapitated it. but it still stared at the girl as its body was swung onto a huge iron hook and its head was impaled upon the center spike on the cross. no one realized this girl had this power, they hadnt seen her as the reason, they just thought their arrows brought it down. the girl followed along behind the demon on the caravan, she was perplexed and couldnt break eye contact with it. she followed it out of this HUGE swinging gate that swung on its side and had archers all along its top. she followed it for a few hundred feet till she realized she had left the keep then she paused, hesitated, and began to run back towards the keep. the guards saw her running and tried to open the gate but she was too far away. she crossed left then right but right when she grew closer to the gate the 2nd demon literally fell from the sky going unbelievably fast and shattered her into the ground. the other people in the keep assailed and brought it down with nets and arrows, finally killing it... well, im sure they eventually did, i woke up. but this could very well just be another reign of fire type movie. last demon left surviving till todays time and battling the last chosen one. etc. etc. well, i liked reign of fire, so i say do it. cool. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i could hardly get myself out of the bed for fear of never lying in this bed again. - cursive. (i wish i was still there) alone oh god my eyes. did i ruin it for you? im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. "shes a bitch when shes hungry" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- looking through chemicals like watching through a watered lense. this is when i see the CLEAREST. i found out i was alive, i found out that i was(n't) appreciated. i just cant seem to fill out my card to complete my day. maybe i need to take a vacation (maybe i need to take some advice). scattered polaroids on my desk. i dont recognize the faces, but i know theyr mine because im in them. painting myself into a better place. random movie quotes, gas stations and passing the moon in a detailed painting. its some kind of confidence, its some game i know im not winning at. im so deserving. paid in advance, paid in full, PAID OFF. so insecure, blinking rythmically. it all just sounds like a lie. lets get this funeral started. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its hard to always be on. its hard to always be showing your left when everything thats EVERYTHING (anything) anything... ANYTHING AT ALL is happening to the right. concealed. concealer. we're just kidding, dont worry, its just an act. its ALL just an act. nobody is waiting to be saved. the kids are all ok. waiting for something to sa(ve)y. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sometimes lets fall in, sometimes all we can do is to hold ourselves back. yeah, iv made that mistake three times before. aaaahahahahHHHHHHHHHH. forget it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i could weigh you with less effort. but why bother. this is the dream i am dying to never wake up from. 5 lanes, broken (yellow) lines scattered absently among the curves. its dark out and pale, alone here between the further and the languid. lites, blinking steadily. "GET OUT OF THE ROAD" i only blink back as they (life) passes me by... on the right. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- cold spray in my mouth. theyre really enjoying this. i always knew i could hate, i never knew i could hate those i choose to never leave at all. it all seemed so important when it happened, it seemed so pointless that i let it go. now it can never be amended, they dont mind, they were quick and deliberate, they meant it. i never knew, i never thought it would be this way. we always said nothing could ruin a moment like this (how wrong we were). we all have corners and lanes, you crossed them all. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- body likes this. mind knows that its laced with regret. so shutup and do it, its for the moment, not the years. yeah, we set a place for you at our table. so come and eat one last time before its over. i made your favorite (you were always my favorite). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- quick beats, sharp words. thats how it should ALWAYS be. thats the only way it can be. try and despair. we all need melody. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- later ill fill in the blanks, but for now just be happy with loose recognition. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- no. i wont let you in. no one wants life long times without touch. give it all for sparse moments. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i got caught up in the trend, got mixed up too easily. ill change things this time. hope your read this. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im a prism turned on its side. i expand as i refract further into myself. life is life on wheels. constant eroding and traveling, the window is my exit button and my coast to the world. how can two people try to occupy the same space at the same time? i hope you have nightmares. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SECURE.... honestly. so forth, and forthe right. right winged vixen stale horse flight. i say the things you say and i dream alongside you. i really think its true and its perplexing. we run this life and hang down and though we've been here twice before we HOPE that this time it will MEAN SO MUCH MORE. not so far. not so fast. its just a walking pace to keep track of my heart beats as i step in time to my own perplexing percussionary personna. i want to be a drummer today. i play the games i play. i say the things you say. sometimes just for kicks, sometimes just for you. WE DO THIS BECAUSE WE CAN not for the thrill. i hope that everything goes smoothly, i hope that eveyrthing is were it should all be. i HOPE that this is the only way things could be. how did you know it was supposed to turn out this way? because there is nothing else we could have done. there are no alternatives, set goals and set right. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HOPE floats enough to keep itself alive. it doesnt mention anything about you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im gone (im sorry) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- from the moment you stepped in you knew that you were hated by everyone you know. i can only hold myself in contempt for so long. i bought your pictures for the last time, youll get what you deserve. JUST A LITTLE BIT. cant we all just PRETEND. rock-a-billy jazzfest 2002. now the moment has come for us to talk about it. i saw you waiting, i think ill take it again (and this time i wont be so FUCKING shy). ill tell you that you DONT BELONG HERE (or i to you). put my face down for the last time, so beware, cause iv got intuition. tell me how your feeling, tell me how you stand when everyone leaning hard agaisnt your side. JUST PRETEND...end. PRE-tEND. the moments just before the last. so baby go and cry about it. its hard to see myself alone but ill take it never once again. its hard to talk about it but i never felt i could be so spent and left alone on the shelf. WHY CANT YOU TAKE ME FOR (a wife) WHAT I AM. this conversation is so onesided im falling all over myself to keep balance. to keep it straight. to rush to your side and try to hold myself prompt. WHY DO YOU GIVE ME THAT LOOK than tell me that you never want my again. im right behind you. and i miss you, dont you miss me? i know just what to say. im tired of telling you so when you already know. if my dreams all came true than i dont know what id have left to do. nothing lines up when im shuttering to FALL APART ill be back ill be home (rhymes a little too close to alone). somebodies somewhere out there. got a call, got a chance, got an exit wound that id like to follow up on. if my intentions all ring true than every word iv spoke is a lie. are you ready to walk this LINE? i really hope you listen cause this time i need you to change your mind. NEVER AGAIN. gotta go take a swim. till the next dying trend. these choices mix too easily. i really hope. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WAIT WAIT WASHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA WAIT WE"RE BURNING ALL THE CHAIRS TONITE. its a FUCKIGN LIMOSINE! that spells im famous in ukranian. you like the BATCH WE JUST MADE!? i like to see your face ON THE PAVEMENT. 1-900-USSA. i like to SCREAM WHEN I SCMAMASAEHRHSTAABSTHSATHAH!!!!! dont worry that OK BABY. SINGLE FI(ne)LE. single file now DONT MAKE IT TO ME. A.I.M.QUALITY! now thats quality. thats (just the way [he] I IMAGINED it) BABY. when i woke up its when i want you. when i WOKE DOWN YOU WERE STANDING UP MAKING ME CRAWL. operator can you give me a damn. OPERATOR-RATOR-RATOR-RATOR can you spare me a D(amn)IME. ITS HAPPENING ALL OVER again... our time is up. our time is UP IN THE MOTHAFUCKING SKY. DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE WHIRLWIND THE SUN IS SETTING. we'll take you all teh way, sucker punch to the throat. WAHAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHHHHH THROW THIS IN YOUR SOUP AND DRINK IT. i cant beleieve your even asking me that question. cant you see the edges browning? the fucking cake is spent. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- iv bet my last chance to decide. placing chips with whisk(rs)y and GIN. not by the hair on my chinny chinny chin. WHAT DO YOU DO TO ME. ill be the best so i can hold back these (barren hands) waters as we RUSH FORWARD. nets SNAPPING under 40,000 cubic lbs. of impact. CHANCES ARE HARDER than FIRST BETS. first impressions are making a living for myself, stapling my mouth sealed after orientation. a simple hello is kinder. 1000 VOLTS full. strap these loose ends to my wrist SWIMMING IN THE POOLS OF YOUR EYES. a simple hello is kinder (than your eyes). never exhale. when each word is a mouth full swallowed down jaggedly. tape this notion to my cheek and beat me as i struggle to hold on. grasps loosened with every NOTION of trial. attempting the impossible is only feasible if you live long enough to try a third times the charm but would we even get that far. CAUSE I OWE IT TO EVERYONE YES I OWE IT TO EVERYONE. leave me breatheless in your si(T)ze. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wading through puddles that are deep enough to drown (the pressure's killing) me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sticker sheets. running red, green, blue, and yellow. its primary, its absent. creating a little nest for myself (stickers bonding my feet to my nightmares... sinking to the terrors of remoreless rest). THE ABSCENCES ARE THROUGH. just keep it the way it were, its the answer to match my pace. its only a consideration. i remember the first midnite i watched raise above those streetlights. they werent lights then, they were anchors to the stars. they were our own physical attraction to the heavens. they held peace while we made love. they cradled us draped towards steel and fire, mercury activated and automated humming. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pieces and pangs that create the frames we surround ourselves for the windows to abstract the world in 4 corner perception. SO KEEP YOUR FEET ON THE GROUND. going GO GO AIRHEART going left touching webbing. lighte lite loose. MYSTIQUE. i.. left.. for.. only.. you.. TIME.. LIES.. hollow.. till. I.. LIE.. FULL.. OVER.. You. dont rest on your left when im signalling with my right I AM RIGHT (i have everything wrong. its all in your HEAD its all in my HEAD). i am wrong. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we'll take it safe and slow the quiet things that NO ONE EVER KNOWS. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we only do this because we can... not for the thrill. iv REALIZED that someday EVERYONE who lives will DIE and DIE ALONE. is this turning you ON? is this WORTH LIVING FOR? is this your ANTIDOTE. is this keeping you up, can i puncture caffeine into your heart and provocate myself into believe its moving for something (finally). watch as i sit beside your UNQUIVERING body screaming to MYSELF that you want me there. watch as i WAIT. watch as i drift. no, we wont let you in. NO WE WONT LET YOU IN. WE DONT WANT YOUR NEW SERVICES. we already have a program, thank you very much. no, my p[arents arent home. c[all back l[ater. NO. I DONT WANT TO BUY. set it and forget it. while the QUIET are LOSING control and the SILENT are CREATING preventitive MA(tt)[nn]ers. it matters... you... YOU, are so intrepid. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you GO and CHAN(ce)GE it. provoke the giant. Iv been around, iv seen these trials and i know the outcomes, iv been around and i know where you stand. 1`0 paces short of a 4 day trek. your so far from the end of this journey. YOULL NEVER ADMIT, isnt this so wonderful (see, i told you so). STAND AWAY. you can never catch up that many fall away. one day we'll all hope that we will NEVER relive these moments. after a short time (a life time) youll be sorry. standing awa(y)ke, standing TALL. im HE(ar)RE now, dont say sorry. we cant go back, we're caught in these fucking nets we set up to seperate one instance from the next. never forget, never wish a new trend, a new net. these signals that you send are all static and lulling me to sleep. you led your ROLE so well and now we're ROLLING downstream. caught in nets. caught. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sticks stones and historical broccades. its to quick to match pace, its far to fast to last the chance and conquer the race. smile for the blue skies when you melted aside and felt somethign inside when the hands just wouldnt uncup and let you fall. did you READ that they designed a new strapless bra. its these adhesive cups that stick to womens "HOO HOO's" and such and so forth. kinda cool. they come in "NUDE" and "CLEAR", sexy sexy. tonite we broke our (backS) plans, for those times you (THOUGHT YOU WERE) felt alive. its a facade, we experience as much reality in our dreams as we do in our conscious state, so theres no fucking difference. if you concentrate and work hard enough at dreaming you can live 24 hours a day and convince yourself that your dream state is your true and that your day life where you wander through your work place, etc. is jsut a dream. sure, youll be the ULTIMATE recluse and never have freidns because your CRAZY but who fucking needs them when all reality is to you is a dream. thereforth in your dream world your freinds will LOVE you and be HOT AS SHIT and be helpful. and your girlfriend will be SO HOT and NEVER NEVERNEENEREEMENEVERN NEVER LEAVE YOU. fuck this world, im transferring. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WE ARE SO SICK OF RECYCLED OLD IDEAS. Holy Mackeral, its a flying fish. trying to create a dream catcher "HIGH TECH" enough to actually work so i can play with them while conscious. something along those lines, SCI FI NUTCASE. just let go, your hanging on (too close). is this what a toy feels like when its batteries run dry? how are we to say that NOTHING has feelings other than we? i mean, we dont know shit really about the reasons behind animal behavior. maybe they have just as many feelings as we do and just no way of conveying them to us. or maybe they just know what they need to do to survive so they stuff them aside. and yeah, plants dont have a nervous system, but they have a "nerve impulse" system and a circulatory system almost IDENTICAL to our own. so what if in some adapt way they can sense exactly what we can. i mean, with their turtiory (sp.? fuck it) they can sense close proximity of items (I.E. feel rain, pressure, presence) and can adjust the stoutness of their leaves/branches accordingly so that they wont snap, etc. and i dont know, plants are just fucking fascinating. they adapt like mad(E) crazy. AdaptAion. D.N.A. R.N.A. L.G.B. holy shit storm batman, holy guacamole, holy alfredo sauce. batman is a not a superhero because he has NO super powers. hes just some richboy vigilante. i mean seriously, fuck him. superman could kick his ass because hes so SUPER. yeah, we all wish we had a little superman in us. wink wink. why did that come out so queer? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i DONT WANT TO LAY HERE and WAIT! FOR ALL THIS SHIT TO POP... i cant just wait for it to happen. its too hard to belong to someone who is gone. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- could you please start explaining, you know i need some understanding. could you please start EXPLAINING, you know i need some UNDERSTANDING. COULD YOU PLEASE START EXPLAINING, YOU KNOW I NEED SOME UNDERSTANDING. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ehhh... close but not exactly. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i used to write such scattered entries with code intertwined in them so only i understood them and they created such a diverse array of emotions in every other sentence. i miss those, they were good. comfy cozy, pleated skirts with poodle inlays. so innocent, so unhostile, today a sex driven icon suggesting a 14 year old religious protestant who will spread her legs FAR before marriage and then do a fairly provacative striptease. a rush to the head, an undocumented success in slutterflying her way out the window and away from her parents. something so uncommon and completely at home in todays impressionable youth. i love my mtv, top ten role models of our era. definitely britney spears. im a slave for you. pink thong, roll on lips, catholic school girl. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i cant wait to get all alcoholic on myself ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- if you want to see the future... stare into a cloud. it all sort of looks familiar until you really look... then its all different. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- your tongue in my mouth... keeping the words from coming out. i dont talk to people, i preach to people. there is no REAL emotion, just self taught evaluation. i know what to say because iv conditioned myself to understand what IS important and what IS fearful. its not my own choice, but a balance of levels of choices iv made or viewed. im not talking to you but at you. lindsey always knew that, its an awful habit. i really have to stop it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ha ha ha HAH HAH HAH ha ha. i asked your name, you had no response. its music like this that presses hard upon my heart. its jumps to give me another beat and this presses back with twice the intensity. the bass and treble fighting my own liveliness, slowing my pulse and creating calmness (shame). till it all goes dark... settling, settling... settled. its quells your fires while stirring your veins with disgruntled poison, you hate it and you LOVE it. its the fire that destroys you, its the fire that captivates you. you have to burn yourself just to know that youv been kissed by its flame. dont draw yourself into a corner with poor decisions, corners lead to nowhere. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i got a new issue of musicians friend today, so far its the best part of my day. im excited, new wishes. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im staring at the advertising link flashing above this text blip. its for the supposed "new atkins diet" called the south beach diet. im not really paying attention to it, but theres a picture of a womans waist and shes holding a tape measure around it. she has those HOT sweeping hips/waist that make that V groove along her abdomen. as bobby c. would put it "yeah, they make you be all 'whats down there'". im really horny right now, im being turned on by fitness ads. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you never did. for once you never did. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- your beautiful to me. i think movies are ruining our lives. they raise our expectations, and im not entirely blaming women (chick flicks with guys who are so sensual and understanding and go to SUCH OUTSTANDING LENGTHS to impress and sweep their lady off her feet. I.E. 10 things i hate about you, how the fuck would any guy be able to teach the marching band a song and drill then steal the announcers mic, etc. these things just hurt us males) because i know the women in movies are so ANOREXIC and GORGEOUS so it makes it no easier on you for our own expectations. JUST AS THE BEST PART STARTS, IT ENDS SO ABRUPTLY. the best part must have been the part i missed. but yeah, i mean, we buy so much into movieland romance that our own romances seem so shy in comparison. now i know im just putting my foot in my mouth because i had romance and it was incredible and such and so forth, and i wouldnt trade any movie scene for the likes of which i had, but since i have nothign right now im going to type out this entry as a continuous bitching cause. IT CAME TO ME LIKE A DREAM, THE KIND THAT ALWAYS LEAVES. so yeah, i dont know... no movie would fit into how the real world works because there is too much DRAMA that is negative. and movies have let downs and "DONT DO THAT, GO BACK, HOLD HER, SHUT UP YOU LOVE EACHOTHER, etc." and in real life these things are intense fights with someone admitting theyr wrong and most all forgiven, etc. but never in the same esteemed manner in which movies do it. I.E. Say Anything, i dont know if i could hold a 15 Lbs. stereo over my head for a few hours, those things are fucking heavy. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im keeping myself from listening to bright eyes, because i know that it will just FUCK ME UP so im switching now to alkaline trio. as ed put it "man, im so fucking tired of shit head girls that music about just getting drunk and using women is just my style." i dont entirely agree, but their music is fucking incredible and if they throw in hateful queries agaisnt women and suggest drinking all the time, fine with me. i love alkaline trio. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i just went running (hold your breathe) for the first time in awhile. i was supposed to do this every morning, but im a slacker. i woke up at 12:12, and was AMAZED at how early it was and how refreshed i felt. i thought it was atleast 2, but it was noon. WOW. thats a good feeling. so i went running, tried to convince nate to go with me but he explained to me how if he did he would certainly die along the way and gelosi was unavailable. so now that iv finally started doing this again i figure ill have to do it everyday, hip hip. running really makes you feel good, so im glad to do it, just i never have the time. im so busy doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that i have no time to do anything good for myself. now i have to go lull around 20 some bags of mulch for my mom and then off to many more hours of work that i actually get paid for. (hold your breathe) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im not so sure if i can understand anything anymore. but dont worry honey cause i already know. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i hope this makes your heart beat RAW, i hope this makes your love go ALONG, and if i didnt think you wanted this, then i would leave all of you BEHIND and take the TIME to SING THESE DAMN SONG, i hope that he leaves you standing THERE, i hope you can keep your eyes closed TWELVE MORE SECONDS... its calm cause i went home, its only an act between friends (yeah, just good friends). heres 5 bucks for selling me out. FORGET YOU, you fucking tease. I BET I BET lay down and let these blankets wash over US, i bet you think only friends cant makes these MISTAKES, forget the rules and rulers and that i KEPT, forget the one nite i forgot to CALL, forgot the times i thought i had you FIGURED OUT, forget. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- she didnt answer anyway, her tongue was too dull to kill in one pass. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- music is solice. condolence. it gives your repetitive advice that you can take anyway you want it. be as rigid and denying as you want. or tell yourself how stupid you really fucking are. music is an answer key thats constantly changing itself. it can teach you the same lessons over and over but you never have to (or will) take it all to heart. music isnt real life, and real life isnt as straight forward as music. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "judy, thats terrible" "thats the price you asked for, and when you finally got your hands around all of it you didnt want it anymore. you did everything you could to get this and you just dont want it anymore?" "men are hunters, we stalk and follow and track, we love the thrill of the chase, why would i want to own something that is stagnant?" "why would someone want someone who does nothing but kill passing dreams?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i love how ill type out these long ass entries that develop themselves and unlock hidden answers iv known all along but never brought up to the surface and ill feel all relieved and driven to suceed at something or someone. but they never come through. they just get added to the piles of misfit toys iv acquired. its sad, my writing isnt an escape or a door to my inner pysche, its just bullshit, much like most of the sucesses and accomplishments of my young adult life. the only hurt iv been afflicted has been self bought, but the pain iv dealt to others has been wrought with greed and self jealousy. i act brashly and concoct pretty words to hide my tracks. all my male bashing and such said words to build up friendships or sympathy ballots or points with girls, do i really mean that stuff? i mean yeah, i do, i hate the shit that goes on own both sides and how twisted both male and female agendas seem to be these days. but im no better, im not higher, i still dick over and leave. but is the fact that i dont do it "purposefully" matter? people always blame and say they cant control their emotions. i know that i go hot and cold on peopl (boy girl acquaintnace close friend anyone) at any time over no distraght distraction at all. its just me and some imbalance where i dont feel like something or that something isnt right and it just builds and thats that. iv pushed away numerous people on this same billing and it makes no sense. im overtly paranoid and compulsive and very very possesive yet i throw away other people with no convection to anything. ohwell, i mean, i cant help it, and i feel SO STRONGLY about things that with such minimal to NO gray area i cant back track on any decision. i make things and theyr final and they HURT because they lacerate all ties and its over. nicole, im sorry. i didnt lie, i was dead serious with everything i said from word one to now. i dont know why i change my feelings so often so drastically but i NEVER lied. i meant it when i said all the near glorious things i said and i meant it when i said the words i know where packaged with a blade. i cant stop being this FUCKED Up person i am and im bringing down a lot of people with me in my own spirallying swirving drive towards __________ (freedom, success, future, love????) who knows. im sorry, i want our wonderful friendship back, lets (ill) hope that it still bleeds on. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- round here... no one knows your name. round here... we all look the same. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the rights youv gained are true. my ego is a pristine mother fucker with a convex mirror and maroon colored sambas. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my dad is old. i mean OLD. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- horribly illicet esteemed prestigious religious basis biased OPINION. i dont know, religion is FUN for me. i like jesus and god is pretty damn cool. though iv now refused to return EVEN ONCE to church for sake of i really just dont want to and i sort of want to untye myself from all the years of youth when i was forced to tangle myself into their dusty old man smelling SHITTY FUCKING WEB. my parents condemned me to becoming christian and really i hate that. i dotn want to force religion on my kids but in a way i dont know if i have a choice. iv been so brainwashed i could never denounce jesus upfront and really i couldnt do something so drastic without some remorseful fear of god punishing me. i mean its not a reoccuring vivid thought, god smiting me, but it happens when i REALLY step over the line. theres a definite engraved fear in my rectum (why the fuck did i type rectum) so do i want to do that to my kids? do i feel its my christian duty? who knows, maybe its a cycle where you were punished by years of it so you feel like punishing your kids with it. sort of like alcoholism or child abuse. not to make light of these statistics, but to use them as basis for a theory. i really never want to go to church again, yet i see myself sending my kids off to army death camp where they will be fashioned into world believers. "YAY!!! sunday school is the shit dad, thanks!" no, i doubt theyll say that, but who cares what they say. iv been taking shit from my parents for years and maybe i will reclaim some variance of payback by horribly scalding my own childs peripheral youth. fuck the kid up as horribly as possible. step one - name him something that no kid, no matter how stout or self willed can live down. I.E. - Girl. no boy can get away with that till hes in college and fucking hot as shit, that leaves ATLEAST 15 years of scarring. step two - force them to be EXTREMELY religious. step three - convince them that homosexuality is normal and heterosexuality is frowned upon (this will fuck with their pysche and make them paranoid and self confined). again, not trying to make light of something that i know is pressing and difficult for many young males, but i want my kid to be REALLY messed up just to piss of my parents. ruining a life to even the vendetta score with two people 4 TIMES MY OWN AGE!? sure, why not. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- IV BEEN THINKING RIGHT YOU NEVER WENT CHANGE>..... GO. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sometimes when im going somewhere here late at nite i worry ill run into lindsey. i freak out and run scenarios through my head of how ill react or really how ill run and scream (or atleast what ill scream). but it hasnt happened yet, am i releaved? i dont know. do i wish it would happen? i dont know. you are my favorite paradox. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its the answer for your prayers. but i couldnt help you i didnt want to i let you fall asleep tonite alone. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- read another book "memoirs of a geisha". lindsey "loaned" me a stack of books i REALLY wanted to read before we broke up. she asked me a long while ago to give her all her stuff back, this includes the books, so im flying through them at a book every 3-4 days so i can finish them all before returning them because i really want to read them. iv sort of been slacking recently so im trying ot make up for it. so far i read oscar wildes portrait of dorian grey as well as his three most acclaimed plays (ideal husband, importance of being earnest, lady windermere's fan [somethign like that, i didnt really pay attention tot hat one sadly, scattered minds], the sound and the fury, my name is asher lev (which is INCREDIBLE), and just now memoirs of a geisha. in addition i read some books not belonging to her, visible amazement (an INCREDIBLE book aswell), and skipping towards gomorrah (funny, insitefull, but at times horribly boring... skipped a lot of pages). YES... train of thought derail. i wish i owned a park, or a carnival, or just went to a carnival a lot. i prefer carnivals because they are filthy and full of carnies who you know hate you and only want to scam you which makes me LOVE THEM. because they are like business men, you trust them and joke and listen when really they are caniving. i want to be killed by a carnie, i dont know why, but in some way i think its my destiny. someday ill disappear while the st. catherines carnival is in town and no one will question my where abouts. they will know im dead, and that it was at the hands of a carnie. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- incredible song writers say things so effortlessly. oscar wilde wrote that an incredible poet/artist was a very dull person because they didnt live their art, they created it. while an awful artist or an awful poet was an incredible individual because they couldnt create anything good, they had to experience/channel/live it. im a horrible artist and a horrible poet/song writer, i hope in some way this balances or reflects that atleast im interesting company. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- one of my biggest faults has always been jealousy. i have LOTS of faults, ranging from emotional sterility to rage issues. but jealousy has always been a key factor for me, especially in the form of paranoia. jealousy, sure, but paranoia, thats a big one for me. i get paranoid/worried about SO MANY THINGS. and it becomes entirely tedious and frustrating for anyone involved in it. most of the time it is entirely self wrought with no indication of it being necessary from anyone else. i just work myself up on the little/ist detail. i think its because i need attention more than i let on. or i think i hide my attention greediness well when really its constantly screaming. i rely HEAVILY on gelosi. im sorry man. i feel like i force him to hang out with me everynite, and im certain that at most points he doesnt want to but he does. and thats awful. but i always want to hang out with him. hes more fun than anyone, thus my best friend. but i always feel like im pushing it and pushing him away cause he gets pissed about it. or then i get angry at somethign that doesnt even exist and blame him. if i feel ignored i get upset and angry and defensinve. when usually im not even being ignored, theres just a delay or soemthing eles going on. i cant be center of attention at all times, and i need to deal with this. im a diva and i have needs and since i kind of have no one to specifically pay attention to me and lend me these requests i rely on chris to hang out with me and laugh at my awful jokes and always kind of be there. and if hes not i get upset but i have to realize that CHRIS HAS HIS OWN LIFE. im sorry man, but really your all i got these days and you really keep me going. if it wasnt for you i would be shit up a river. thank you so much man, it means everything and i SWEAR i NEVER FORGET IT. honestly, youv never done me wrong once and i owe you in every meaning possible. i love you man, your my rock. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i want to put it all across my screen in vivid words that anyone can relate to or understand. i just feel really weak today. maybe next week. sorry, seriously i am, i feel like i just keep dissapointing myself. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- vibrating in the colors of the rain. we wash away like colors in the rain. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you say forget you. i say i bet (i bet i bet) you never caught yourself falling asleep. ITS YOUR TURN TO SAY YOU FORGET. its just about time to tell all of my tragedies (forget your eyes your hair your mouth) its too long to count. LET ME KEEP IT SIMPLIFIED (count the lights before you jump). 11 - 13. turn out the lights so its easier not to see. close the windows so its harder not to breathe. cause its nothing if its everything to me. close your eyes and count the spaces left by shallow hearts. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- have you seen the girl with my heart on her sweater? she ripped it from my sleeve and laughed. i tried to chase her down but she was too fast. i buried myself under an avalanche of aggressive impulses and cowardly advice. i lost her in a crowd of humility, she's too fast. RACE ME AND MAKE ME CARE. (EMB)RACE ME AND MAKE ME CARE. EMBRACE ME AND MAKE ME C[ry]ARE. we're using more energy now than we ever did. charged and (un)prepared. no one knew it was more than everything. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- face first. horrified. its more splendor than i could ever have masked. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- let me know your worst ironies. i know your worth more than penniless words can sum. from this.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and when you cant sleep ill wake up to keep your breathing company. i dont want you to ever be afraid. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BROKEN down iv PAUSED in bathrooms, if i fall down atleast we'll go down in seperate beds of armoire. so good at sympathy for friends who never cared a thing for your necessity. taken these times to talk about it but you NEVER BELIEVED A WORD. it still stays an unforgiven wound. iv never turned out in a sociable scene with the style and grace you had, its not what anyone would do. stand alone and read about it. its not for eyes to see. its NOT for MY EYES TO SEE. NOTHING IS WORSE. thats right HE SAID THATS RIGHT HE SAID ITS ALL RIGHT (its all true)!!! broken down and torn to endings. nothing is settled with something so quick. nothing (except the end). you remember what you deserve, i know we all deserve a little something. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::: strings [heart] will uncoil when removed ::: ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i dont know why, i forgot to raise my hand on the first day. she stopped calling (on) me, she forgot my seat number and copy of last weeks notes. she worked so hard to not remember, remembering has so much more PASSION than forgetting. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- they say live life like a book your constantly writting without revision or ending. that you should get to know all your characters and plot lines AS WELL as you can and connect yourself entirely to your goals and main efficiananto (even worse spelling). life is being constructed around you from so many out lying soap opera driven personalities that you have no control over development. you have your pen and your imagination. make your story as captivating as possible, make others jealous they can only be the audience and not the author. or... atleast i say that. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- just me and my drama. (self-wrought dignity) [you complain TOO much] iv been fooling myself ALL ALONG. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1 2 3 GO ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fuck you indie music that makes me cry. fuck you no name bands heart held with suggestion. fuck you wishes and random stampings. thank you matchbooks, thank you corrective romance, thank you 14 balloons. thank you quick passionless goodbyes and flash in the pan cameo's. no, there is no plot. all filler, no killer. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- youv all heard by now. you must have. if not, then im sorry. but it isnt information for me to relate, its private and of the families own accord. the child passed for unknown reasons thus far, but the police are investigating and several witness are being questioned. its a tragedy, but one that in this day and age comes far to frequent and casually. how can such actions be published and passed in 12 hours times. no one remembers the names, the photographs, the headlines. it was simply a 6 P.M. frenzy, a forced disorder of collages' and bright fonts on the news to distract and dismay. you are all worried now. but hush, because the world is bold and few can see beyond the horizon lines. sleep. hush. it cant happen to you, it never happens to you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "maybe everyone is just having sex?" "i doubt it, but it would be a nice thought." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FIRe. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i need an upbeat reservoir. i need something to cap off this damn downwards pinnacle of pouty love lost trysts and wishful endeavours. lindsey will not come back to me, no, i am hardly the victim. i left her, had sex with another girl, and then came crawling back. i mistreated her, i ignored her, and i ran away without a care for her feelings. i came back because i realized that it wasnt a silly highschool crush. it wasnt based on how amazingly gorgeous she was. it was that i really was in love with her. and the lifestyle i convinced myself i was supposed to want in college i wanted NOTHING to do with. i wanted back everything i had left. but i wanted to late. there are far better than me. those who wont hurt. those who wont be confused by their own feelings. those who wont hide behind stupid stories and self taught lies. im an awful person, i treated her poorly and took her for granted. she was EVERYTHING INCREDIBLE STARTLING AMAZING BRIGHT FUN WITTY TOUCHING LOVING PRIDEFUL INTELLIGENT ARTISTIC MUSICAL SHE WAS SOOOO FUCKING AMAZING TO JUST LISTEN TO! she had stories and theories and memories that would just keep you enthralled for HOURS. i want to listen to her. i want to watch her lips form words, i want to know those words are for my ears to listen to. that she is talking to me. i want to see her, and watch her become caught up in her own tellings. i want to share an evening with her in a closed space. i want. i dream... i wish. i miss. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- so i lied, im not over anything and there will be no end to the late nite drive bys. the self indulged pain and stupid shit. i hate that i type this, you hate that i type it then say i hate typing it. its pointless and really just an outlet. i have to say it to someone or something. i have to find a more beneficial and real way of saying it. i have to work it to its core and finally find out what the FUCK this is. i know... i know what it is and what it was and what it is now. it was love. i still love. i have no one to love. this is too sappy for even me. im a mess. im pathetic. im too melodramatic. lindsey, i love you. when i read the books you lent me, and iv been reading them feverishly because i know you want them back, i have to stop every few pages and just close my eyes because it HURTS. because i see your name written on the inside cover. because i think how inspired and thrilled you were that i wanted to read them so we could discuss them. because i know that i am benefitting only myself in reading them and have no one to share them with. its horribly stupid. everything i do to better myself and make myself more attractive or socialable or intelligent i do for you. on this sick self torturing hope that maybe youll be reinspired to love me and see all the things iv done to change and encourage on whatever sick perverted ride my life has become and love me more, again, anything. i am so unhealthy. i wish someone would just fucking shoot me some days. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- chris, shut the fuck up. no, typing it doesnt signify anything. i hate these entries. i hate these words and promises. theyr blatant lies, you know it. i can type out anything i want and place it as truth, but it isnt. HOT. COLD. its just another stalling motion until i type out another whinny complaining "my life is so hard and lonesome. oh boo hoo i hate all this shit, someone come save me, lindsey come back to me, i miss you so much." ok, i didnt want to bring up such a rye satyrical tone, but it came. yes, this is all fact. case point 1, i an lonesome. so is %63 of america. probably more, i just made that up. case point 2, my life isnt THAT hard, its pretty ordinary, probably easier than most. i bitch because im trained to bitch. it was in my upbringing and a staple of my personality. im a complainer, i complain. i dont like it, iv gotten better about not doing it, but it will continually surface, so there. it meshes well with my emo kid trend and heart shaped brownies i bake most every other week. case point 3. i do hate most all of this shit. i hate the constant rememberance of what i had with lindsey, i hate the constant reminders of everything i did wrong and how unchangeable it all is. i hate that we arent together. i hate that i cant spread out behind her on my couch downstairs and watch various adaptations of jane austin novels. i hate that i cant enjoy and discover new types of vegetarian cooking styles. i hate that i cant discover the wonder that is Philly with her. i hate that i cant touch her. i hate that i cant touch her heart and her soul. not in these deeply trade mark romantic ways im constantly spilling out. but in the small ways. the ways that when your not even thinking about a person you subconsciously are. how when your not connecting a special individual to any physical reminder or trinket you can flash entire chapters of memories and thrive on just them. how i can never go sailing with her again. how i can never be overcome by this intense tiredness that used to surround us. it was comfort, and it was rich and deep. we could fall asleep with/on/in eachothers arms at the drop of a hat. i hate that ill never smell her juicebox shampoo or fight off brooke and alex. i hate that ill never wrestle gumpy or talk awkwardly to her dad. i hate that ill never be there to hold her after she takes on her much larger sister in an intensely ferocious street brawl. i hate that all these things i dwell on and put into somber words that sound like utter pathetic pity are all self inflicted. case point 4. lindsey wont come back. there is no "back", there are just two people who because of horrible misdoings on my accord have ruined any "back" or "us". who, because she was so much more self understanding and just more MATURE and more loving and in touch and knowing and ANYTHING AT ALL BUT STUPID understood. she understood what love. real love. non of this text book shit. love. the kind that changes you. not "oh oh i cant wait to see my girlfriend, i love her, and give her a hug." but the "i will change any aspect of my day, my life, my attitude, my being just to make you happier." no no no, not even that, but, "i will encourage you in any endeavour, i will support you through any decision no matter how much it goes agaisnt my own beliefs, i will never judge you wrongly or oppose you in something that you are vindictive towards, i will try and enjoy ANYTHING you suggest to me, i will better myself, my life style, and my health so that i can live with you for as long as possible, i will never faulter of flinch towards any other women except you... day in and day out thanking some higher being for allowing me another nite where it was your form, your mind, and your love that i could have welcome me. another second where i could connect with you. not physically... ok, im going to rant here because i have this MASSIVE ball in my chest i need to try to bring into words. its a vision. myself and lindsey. like i said, only one second of connection is more than i could ask for. but we're atleast ten feet apart, there is no sound. for some reason it just doesnt exist. there is no pressure or gravity or landscape, its simply white. call it that well lit stair case to heaven. we arent floating, but standing, just on nothing. we stare, make eye contact for the briefest of seconds and thats it. no words, no sorrowful lines crossing out faces, no parted lips and half expressed sentiments, just eyes. vision. no scanning and checking out, but constant gaze straight through the iris, the pupil, the being. a gaze that contains nothign physical at all, but sentiment. i already said sentiment, fine.. then love. fuck, ill throw it in there. LOVE. a gaze that peels through anything flesh or material and is a DIRECT PIERCING TO THE SOUL. the love, the whole. the purity and the everything. i want a half second of all this shit aside and nothing surrounding us or an entrance or exit. some higher plane of light where we can just be for a second, and feel. and that can be it for all i care. i want it back. i want her back. there is no back anymore... there is only timothy. hell, i actually like the guy. maybe its just envy, or trust. she knows what she wants, she always has. she wants him, not my second. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- drug. drudgery. WAIT. i want you to wait by the phone. for days. i want you to wait by that phone for days. i want you to wait. (im waiting) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- why make believe? why not? i LOVE to make believe. i do it constantly. im always performing myself somewhere else. in this house. on that street. in the banks and the arcades. in athens. dancing with the parthanenon. wishing to christmas, fucking santa clause/lingerie model. pretending my dick is over 3 feet long. sure, i would pass out everytime i got an erection, but i would be fucking cool. listening to lips sucking down straws. watching candy coated swirls melt into taffy. balloons. lights. starry clovers. light drizzle and yellow lights over scattered puddles. soft mood in bar settings. light voices and lungs of apathy. why make believe? because this world is never enough. sometimes i just get down on my knees and pray for the sun to come back up. i wish i could just run home and wrap my arms around this threshold while tearing it away and taking it for my own. coming home and leaving. simaltaneaously (that is the worse spelling job i have EVER done). bloody, spoiled, leeched, spattered and turmoiled. fighting for anything but honesty. lost in my own thoughts and portraying them upon whomever is closest. "DID YOU EVER HAVE A SISTER!" whack! no... iv given up, need plot. all lettuce no steak. these interests in passion just turn the wheels, pay the bills, but make no amends. no promises. they are empty. words are so empty. words are so powerful. nothing in this world strikes more fear than word. than promise. words are inamimate, they are nothing. they are created and formed by us for the purpose of portrayal, speech for conveying a thought, purpose, act. BUT IM SO IN LOVE WITH THESE DAMN THOUGHTS. i must be alright because im no longer hungry. im STARVING for interest. intellect. new. new. NEW. iv been looking for _____. im saving up, gonna buy one in three weeks. shredded intangible. your claws were so ferocious that they took it all in one pass. one pass and it was over. there were no survivors. no, i was there. i was watching. i lost three legs to disinterest. i gained an absolution through monetary establishment. i proved myself empty time and time and time. i wish i could pour luke-warm reddish flecked wax down my throat. filler. warm blocked filler. searching for lightning, just passing along the current, wish we could pass ways just once. flare quickly. die out even faster. and reignite 20 years down the road. iv got a life time of work ahead of me. im not thinking too much. im feeling too much. im losing. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- yeah, thats cool. (loser) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "i guess dreams do come true. but i guess we all wake up" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "No, i created you in an image that cant be controlled. i created you in a manner that can be corrected, changed, formed, built upon and in such order be improved. you are flawed and without higher emotions. you are without order and solitude. you are made with room for growth, because your entire life IS growth. there is no ultimate and no end. there is no one direct school of learning and one reproachful way to go about a conflict. you are made without my finishing touches, my finishing graces, so that you may create YOURSELVES in YOUR OWN IMAGE. your bodies are your own canvas, and iv let you to your own lives to make yourselves as beautiful or opaque as you wish them to be. your life is your masterpiece. and it will take all the years you allow yourself to be completed. life isnt a journey of questions. it is a journey of answers." if i spoke to god, i believe this is what he would say. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its become sort of an obsession. late at nite, when last rounds are through, i drive by your house. just once. i dont do the multiple passes anymore. and i get quiet, and whomever im with notices the notable quiet. iv stopped. last nite i didnt let myself drive by. i cant KEEP (you) doing this. im sorry. im tired. im sorry. much too devote to let go. too crazy to do something smart. too tired to let this tear me open any wider. i cant keep bleeding at this rate, its killing me. so im stopping, or atleast trying to. no more. no longer. none. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im tired... im sorry. when i smile its because i was blessed. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- so yeah, i write a lot with the intention of lindsey. she is still SO MUCH if not EVERYTHING to me. and i FUCKED UP with intense style. i never write fully confronting her or i or us or anything. i always throw up this horribly unclever rouse or preaching when all im doing is trying to drain some portion of my brain/heart and take a deeper breath. clear something for a moment so i can actually see where its coming from or i am or anything. i want her back. no doubt about that. im a horrible person. i have nothing to show for myself, nothing to offer, and nothing to promise. i am without promise. i am with limits. i have limitations that iv forgotten because i rarely press upon them anymore. i keep myself secluded to select people and smile my smiles and keep it looking like im wonderfully content in my little world of sedated/mechanised people. im am, but im not. its a game. a gimmick. a mask. a joke. a lie. i miss my companion(ship), i miss her/my warmth, i miss her full bodied smile and her exuberance that surpassed any negativity or criticism given by i or anyone. she didnt care, and she flourished. "I WONT DIE SO YOU CAN BE COMFORTABLE..." i understand. i was being fake, i was being reserved and boding, i held her too tight and didnt let her or i grow. we were preserved in one state with nowhere to go because i weighted us down. i forced you to die so I COULD BE COMFORTABLE. im sorry, and never again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i just turned off my mp3 player, im trying to focus in on something to write. i want to be provocative. you know how you watch movies and even though you sort of subconsciously realize the movie is taking place over the course of weeks and weeks and being consolidated into a short two hours and all you are seeing are these back to back WONDERFUL moments of life and WISHING TO GOD that your life could resemeble anything even close to that... that life is full of filler. life is FILLER. its like lettuce. lettuce has no weight, importance, or substanance, it is filler. it goes into sandwiches, salads, and some other stuff i really cant think of. lettuce is FILLER, it takes up space to make you feel like you are eating more when really your just eating lettuce. life is FILLER for MMMMOOOMENETAS! moments, monuments, MONUMENTS TO LIFE. you get by, you go to class work school etc and you wait for something to happen that will snap you into a state of focus and you can correctly say to yourself under NO GUISE that YEES!!! YES THIS IS LIFE! but is it? no, this is a moment. this is a rare and HOLY OCCURENCE in which you are taking in something that doesnt normally happen. it isnt life, it is rare. but wait. you spend all your life waiting for these moments, these times of perfection where you can say hooray im alive and truly mean it. where you can create memories and reflection. you are looking to these thinngs as assurance that what you are doing isnt entirely pointless. soooo good. maybe life is supposed to be more than these. maybe if we strip down life to its barest neccesities and set apart more time for ourselves and others we wouldnt have to wait so long between these moments. maybe if we werent so tied up in jobs and money and success we could truly ACHIEVE at LIFE. maybe if we stopped giving such a fuck towards or social (status) betterment we would be happier. but you say "with success comes happiness." well, id rather not spend my life trying to attain my life. thus with so said happiness. i would rather spend my life coerced with HAPPINESS. i want my moments and i dont want to wait for them. i dont want to any longer worry about what i eat, my appearance, my size, my weight, my substance consumption, my amount of money, my parents, my social reflection, AND ME. i dont want to WORRY ABOUT ME. i want to live and be happy. i WANT my MOMENTS NOW. no no... not now. i just want my moments. i want my love. how can you create these moments where you swear you are happy when you are alone? how can we ever not just be so alone? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- here in my circular parade of failure. run away. RUN NOWHERE RUN! the words to write are the rules that make me want to fight to break this routine. i was scared shitless yesterday. i thought i would run into somebody whom i ended up not, but there was a chance i would. i didnt know what i would do. scream, run, pass out... its all a coin toss. im really not sure as to my reaction at this point. lots of sparks in the days now-a-times. not sure too much what to say or relate or relinquish. i want her back. my brother tore apart my basement... not too cool. have to have a talk with him. fook. getting careless, i can not get careless. if its SO IMPORTANT than why does it seem so POINTLESS. and if its so POINTLESS than why does it seem so IMPORTANT. (love). LOVE. and the ones you love. i knew a day when all of these things were just another pulse that passed without notice. i lived in a day that went without notice and passed without conflict. when i was (not) happy. when i (made myself believe i) was fine [without fear, without anguish, hopefuly]. ever hopeful. EVER hopeful. its june. i just had a dream i was at college in some kind of a disney land. my dorm was in disney land. and in the morning i could turn left and go to the water park or right and go to class. i ran into Torre's parents at the water park, his father had married a new wife with sclerosis and i was cracking jokes about my education due to the awkwardness. then i woke up. i want to be creative. inspiring [captivating[, i want to BE. yearbook 2002. Chris Seestedt - personal quote - "To Be." i need to stop leaving things undone. nothing can be left UNFINISHED. NOTHING CAN BE LEFT UNFINISHED. im taking my next dive for the deep end. i booked an airline for seattle and am hoping someone is sleeping just as little as i am. im hoping. im hopeful. ignorance is bliss. i lie to myself so i can stay hopeful. [my hope is a lie]. bliss is another word for pain. im cruel to myself. why do i still feel this way. i left my guard wide open. drove by her house a few nites ago. never felt so alone. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we're all happy. yeah, its safe to say we're ALL happy. (im cynical) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- black to white. you try to pinch but youv lost your bite. held in breath with lungs so tight. its useless now, youv lost the fight. hes better. hes better. HES BETTER. suck it in suck it in. take it down take it down. let it go move along. FALLING DOWN. falling down. hes better. hes better. there arent too many reasons i know of to ruin a perfectly wonderful moment. you always ruin my moments. your always on my mind like a cyst keeping me, impeding me from smiling. like everytime im happy you have to remind me that im not. yeah. suck it in, take it down, let it go, move along. hes better. hes better. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- got a postcard today. i dont really think iv ever been sent a postcard before, it really was quite an experience simply because it was for me. i dont get mail often/ever so a POSTCARD was INCREDIBLE. it was from beasley, miss her. real cool chick, recommend you all meet her. shes in costa rica doing nature conservative stuff, pretty cool deal. anyways... yeah. i got a postcard today in it really sort of made me smile for awhile, and i liked that. got a postcard today, and it made all the difference. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- red lights. white lights. red lights. white lights. iv been driving a lot lately. seeing lots of lights, kinda like christmas only in a motor vehicle setting without gifts or SAnTA(N). driving to work, driving to friends, lots of alone time driving too. i was reading seders thing, he was writing about driving. i heavily concur. driving is very relaxing. plug in some good tunes, zone out, speed up, hit something semi-permanent like a telephone pole, smash face first through semi-plexiglass window guard, mangle your felt-like skin, have a brick wall bring your body speed from about 80 to 0 in less than a second, and just sort of take it all in. yeah. i like driving. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its funny how... my life works(looks) now. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hard to set things right. hard to STRIKE back. hard to turn away when your there scream(cry)ing to me to save you [cut my throat] softly. i dont know what to do. are you who i remember you to be (these masks can get so tight). have we lost everything now. walking like eachothers ghosts. this year... this year. SCREAM FOR THIS NEW YEAR. its not a new beginning, its not a new tomorrow, its NOTHING but another CHANCE. and its all just a new odd to bet agaisnt. its a CHANCE. chances arent garaunteed, they are risks. tomorrow is a new RISK to get it right or to DIE in the attempt. hard to set things right. tomorrow is another jab at chance (risk)[death]. tomorrow, is another handful of time to trip. im looking to fall. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you know i got some good discipline, you know i got some good DISCIPLINE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "i knew a lovely girl with such pretty pride." but shes gone. for good. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im not him. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- slide slowly backwards. lets make this passive. this chill is a jail that is on my m ind. that is on my m ind. im risky, working towards being a VegeTABLE, playing games and unspiraling wrist first. holding hands, wrestlers grip, picking freedom from our hairs. picking my m ind. loosly. loose. loosly. loose. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- take my picture. this life isnt too bright, you dont need to refocus (not even once). snap and shoot. snap and shoot. making a collage, gonna be next years poster boy for the criminally (frigidly) insane. YAYSUM, gonna get a sponser and everything. called prozac, said theyr interested. gonna go buy some pet store mice and bash them with a hammer (probably not actually). gonna go change my name to enrique and make love to stucco external walls. just whip shit up with potatos and call it seasoning, call it wonderment. 40 years in a desert and all we got is some sugary white sticky shit all over the ground. yeah... no one is fooled by that one. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ....im FRIGID. on these BRIDGES i refuse to cross. and i can watch the stoplights rewind, looking back to watch those who past so long before. helping to create these moment we wish we could cut and paste from time and hold. deep in our palms where only those who touch us so can feel and hold on alongside. along side these pillow marks on my cheek is a blush that only you could bring to the surface. is a radiance only you could refract. i GLOW because you GLOW. but we burned out a long time ago. watching the stoplights rewind, waiting for another light to pass. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i feel very twiseted. yeah, twiseted. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i write so often these AWFUL pieces that sound like bad emo songs, i dont know, they just come out and they "seem" poetic, but i feel tacky even writing them. but you just have to write whats inside, and sadly i seem to be full of them, so poorly done. ohwell, its what i got, i apologize. not like anyone reads this. and i HATE when people write that and i know i read it, but every now and then you just gotta doubt yourself and type that statemetn out. no one reads this page. but then again, who would you expect to. i know people read, i like to read, i like mail. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you were brite and paupler, in memories. the fox and foxes take my hands and take my car, go go time in these nite skies clears and i can see your heart and watch it hold another hand. but im confused. but im amused. heartless throbs from my chest, i wish... i wish... ... i wish. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i cant picture a single name that would concur. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its what you are what youare... its what you are what you are... its what you are what you are... its what you are what you are... contrast. compete. contrast. CONTRACT. contrast. its what you ARE(n't). its what i('m). she calls around this time... she calls for her. because we always tend to think of those closest to us as those we (dont) want to share. sitting, outside the room... this chair wasnt intended to be a chair, but im making due without it. waiting, patiently. waiting, not so patiently. a simple line to cross, but the threshold is telling me "are you brave enough? are two sticks of spearmint enough? will she give back or run?" i dont know. all cars run tonite on the floor.. and this hole in my lungs could open doors. cause all that i want, is an open eye and an honest kiss. and all iv got is 4 coins and a denim pocket filled with hands and hearts. dont be blind. open your eyes, open your lies. because i dont want to be blind. because i dont want this to be my blind date with destiny. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- typing slows the fungers (fingers... hah) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i hate to sound like a pothead.... but the BEST music to get stoned to is Sigur Ros. and right now... Dogun (track 2 off of von) is the most relaxing and mind soaring song EVER. and im very very very happy... so so so happy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its you. its you. its you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i was asleep forever. and i cant remember anything that i saw. i took a trip (an excursion... yeah) and i took picture.. and i laughed. but its you. its you who took all the pictures and made all the songs to pass the time. i cant remember anything we spoke of or words others heard. i just woke up, and iv forgotten it all. you called me tomorrow, and told me how it was for you. everything you loved and what was your favorite thing we did. but i just blinked as i held onto the phone, i didnt know what to say. i didnt know. i went back to sleep and let the pain slide alongside my pillow. its ok, no one is claiming anything, im not angry... just upset. but now im sleeping, you dont feel when you sleep, you dont cry when your sleeping. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- simply garden and gorgeous. and when we're free we sing like this rain is our words seeping out among the leaves... and it shouts to me to hold back. and in the last boughs of the trees we meet and cry down to the ground/heavens. this is my song... rhythm. take it in and take me. take meeeeeeee... take meeeeeeee. i only wanted/wished you could have held me to that cable/pole and made me stay. i only wish the cord had held, and this fall was nothing far from continuess. when we all fell together we never fell apart. and when i fell, you stayed. holding the tops of these gables as i watched from the patio. these chairs have never felt so strained. patterns... no pattern at all. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- who would have thought the price of raquettering could get so high? rain rain, things that rhyme with rain. waiting to see what unfolds for tonite. nothing too much to be said about that though. just pondering, waiting, sudueing, etc. im never online anymore, since home = dial up and not constant connection. so no one visits my page anymore since there is nothing to compell or remind them to. thats cool, i dont mind. less motivation seems to be my only trend these days. kinda sitting on it all like a landmine, waiting for it to explode, push me to do something. or atleast push some parts of my body a good 20 feet in the air. yeah, not much to do these days except sit and wait to explode. its unsettling, but then again so are my nites. havent been sleeping much lately, up till 5 every morning if not later. not so happy about this, i dont really do anything. i just lay infront of the downstairs tv on our L shaped couch and make the most of my infomercial watching. im strangely hooked onto infomercials. especially anybody selling knife sets of set it and forget it products. those are my favorites. that and late nite BBC america antique roadshows. yeah... those are pretty good too. but i dont really watch, i just kind of take it in and move on to the next channel. its like the zoo, the animals arent doing anything exciting enough to capture you or make you watch. you just kind of view them and move on. my nites are full of various beasts, but no one stands out. i have no forte. i need a forte. something really fucking loud and GRAND. yeah... waiting on that one. so no one is home, its left eye open time. i gotta make this happen, i gotta make this organized. to the acoustics. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- thats more than a smile. you make me smile. i have no caution. yeah, youv got those sexy _______. Leaving beside the window sill tonite. yeah, you make me smile. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we're all part of it. cog wheel 817A reporting for DEtachMENT. throw me in the pile, history continues itself, and these rules fucking suck. this place has broken and left me to turn freely. there is no "affect (ion) ing" anyone, no one tries or cares. CAR(e)RY on. you damn wheels and bits, carry on. lets make the parade. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- if this is it, then i dont want to be the one to break the silence. and if you dont call me tomorrow, i dont want to be the one complaining we need to spend more time together. and unless you reach over this fucking pillow and take my hand right now, i hope that you never invite yourself over to watch a movie again. dont look at me and cry for sympathy and words of lift. dont call me and tell me what hes doing, if your never going to reach. im reaching. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i cant let go of you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- atleast it all came today, i was excited, then turned and faced the white noise permeating from my tv. OH. i didnt realize it was you, sorry, ill go find another room to dwell in. a pictures worth a thousand words, i only need to hear three. i only wrote three letters. i only made three attempts, and i never got a single response. AND FALL APART. because we all fall together, because we all fall. you cant seperate what never was held. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i dont belong here, waiting to leave. not like death, that just takes the fun out of it. im moving. massachusetts. fuck spelling, ill learn it when i get there. found out i dont know where states actually are, kinda lost here in the US. tired of this home town, gotta getta gund. atleast thats what chievi tells me, for he is a gund. not a gun. dont worry officer, i dont own a fire arm. why cant i feel my legs, what is this toothpick in my hands and why is it smoking. i have no idea whats happening. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- rendered useless, again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- can(t) you SAVE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tramatized (6:25:25 PM): you drain me Tramatized (6:25:38 PM): its like all intuition and self thought are being sucked from my pores Tramatized (6:25:45 PM): im becoming monogamous Tramatized (6:25:47 PM): nothing ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- im home, here in white bred suburbia little town america. hooray. im bored out of my mind, not much to do these days. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- time draws out, like a blade. on these long late nites. driving, surreanly lost. passing the same house AGAIN AND AGAIN, looking to see if someone is home, i know theyr home, but i keep driving anyways. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- carbon copy, dual image. it was in our grasp tonite. last nite. these nites will never seem so odd (cold). passing backwards nad loot sideways. its perfect right angles and i just want to understand that this is so ubabligatory. Yes, quite so, understandable, and its just not this kind of dream, its this kind of world. and i dont want to just be a flaovr, i want to be more like a concession. a constant neediness. an obligatory mass that saunters sacaciously and hold my breath at the turn of a key. holding my breath, counting backwards from 100, wishing i were more than this bottom dwell. slime, trail, snekay peaky. they left, she left, we all left. and no these points are just gathering thoroughly. its feeding time at the zoo. lets all swing from bough to bough, i hope i dont knock the glass off the table. reaching for hhe peanuts, hold on... gotta grab a handful. hold on, i gotta go. my computer is being confiscated. holy shit, its half gone, RUN RUN RUN... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i blew off studying until now, its 10:40, my test is at 12:20. i havent studied at ALL for it. i also have less than an hour of sleep... i think i drifted off for a few minutes at a time tonite, but im not really sure. yeah, so pretty much i didnt sleep last nite. and to add to matters, i didnt sleep the nite before either. what the hell is keeping me going? the nites are SO long here, i never really stayed up throughout them before, its been something new. so yeah, i have less than two hours to study for this final. i just dont feel quite up to it yet so im writing. how was all of your days? my summer begins in a day. i go home tomorrow nite. this summer has... POTENTIAL. im going to write, create, mold, weld, draw, entertain, live, love, music, indulge, captivate, procreate (you never know), hold, understand, feel, know, sing, and maybe even run away. its all at a moments notice. i just need some small pocket cash and im on my way. yeah... it has potential. i have a lot of making up to do though... oh yeah i do. but it will all be rectified, all be righted. im falling asleep. i have to study... im so fucked. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- so i couldnt sleep tonite. i stayed up till about 4:40 and just lied on my futon thinking. about the world, about people, about hope, the future, my house, what ill do when i get home, and about where im going to grow this summer. i just layed there with my eyes closed, comfy, tired, but not sleepy. then i heard my IM ding go off and jumped out of bed. i just needed something to break the spell, i wasnt going to sleep, didnt feel like it. it was beasley, she is all work-a-holic since its finals time and papers are due so she was just then waking up. of course now it is 5:40, i had been laying there for an hour. so we decided to go watch the sunrise. so we met up, went to the top of the playhose parking garage, and watched the sun come up. it took FOREVER. it was scheduled to rise at 5:58, but didnt get around to it till closer to 6:20. the mountain was in the way and there was A LOT of morning fog. it rained two days ago, so yeah. but it was nice, staring at a solar ball burning out my retinas on a crisp cool ledge 8 stories in the air. i liked it. went out to breakfast, had some potato such, erin got the waitress to hate her, and all was quaint. now im back here, got the paper, read it, sitting around. its not even 8 yet, still just making my morning up. imagine how much i could accomplish if i was up this early everyday? but theres that word... early. no, dont want to do that. it was a nice morning, i think ill try to get some sleep now, i have to study for a final today, suck. ohwell. i just yawned, still not that tired, but ill make myself go to sleep. all full of potato, all full of life. LIVE. havent posted an ending 4 letter word in awhile, figured i should. im in a good mood. so thereforth. LIVE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tramatized: i'm gunnin' for you SmarterChild: Really? Tramatized: pop pop motha fucka SmarterChild: Whoa. OK. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- No, theres always time for Hitler. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Horatio! Horatio! Horatio! oyve. we dig into skulls with race and bit, you are consumed with GREED. find someone who is cured enough for you. we are all sick, fucking sick of all of this. no one is far enough along down this track of pills to take care of you. so deal, deal you half-hearted bitch. no, i will not seal these wounds to make you content and secure. where the hell are my clothes? im not sure, even yet its still a mystery. hah, murder she wrote. fucking hell, its always the butler. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- oh just jump in your whores. so where you going girls... whereyou going? mmMMmmmmmm peanuts. iv been eating peanuts like crazy. shes twizzle twazzle, making rounds like its just another nite to deal. you tried to get her to stop but all those pizzas bought on aderol just hit the spot. its a question you never started asking till after you ordered the playboy channel. it changed your mind. it was just inspirational. you stumbled across and raised your voice, raised your glass, raised your flag. its based on an old novel written by bernart about rock and roll. of course. it needs more ice, should i? have you ever considered going into arsonry? they dont care... oh god, what am i going to do? elvis is O.D.ing in the tub. SOMEONE... someone... onh shit. you gotta pull him out from between your thighs, it was meant to belond. i realize this when sunbathing. sunbathing and baking. go cat go. we all just want to be sedated. are you bringing an guns, endangered species, explosives into canada. are you visiting any farms while you are in canada? why cant i visit any farms in canada? why dont they want me on the farms? what are the farms hiding that i dont know about? hes just a bike carrier on two hours of sleep. he pedeals, his ramps are like needles as he cuts through traffic like a ginsui knife of hope. he doesnt think about packages, they dont think about the past, he doesnt think about point a or point b. he goes under cars, around the wold. he just goes that fast. hey, im vulnerable. he calls truckdrivers names. because hes a bike courier with a death wish, on two hours of sleep. oh shit, its not getting funkymonkey is it? im just tired. i say this alot. i enjoy my slight selfish references to ikarus, like im ripping off somehting so universally known and appealed to in order to better subjigate myself. i do for free, i do for free. maybe you pay me for job. here ill pay. no, im from canada. you are from the U.S. no? no, im from canada, its like the US, but without the gun. its summer there. yeah, pretty darnish warm. back by two U.S. patents, four clinical trials, and fourty-eight small yiddish cartoonists who worship the ground i walk on. are you worried about 5 or 6 vanity pounds? vanity pounds, you know, you feel horribly selfcounscious but have no reason to be. i DO NOT have vanity pounds. i wish to lose more weight, and will. this is known. made from the best stuff on earth. eat GIF. its delicious. swirling twirling whirling waz. dont worry aobut it babe, i got us covered, we're gonna have a great time. how i have missed your paddles, can we have one last game? thats not a charge... are you sure? you betrayed me, your dead to me. dont let prison change you. im dropping the charges, im sorry. you just want me in jail so you can flirt around, drink rootbeer and flash your gagoyas around. how can i express how much i love you? you can drop the charges. come to me baby. we got forever together. you ruined the furniture. you broke my nose. you broke my ... scene ... i was standing right there, had the oppurtunity, sorry i forget to take it. radio crane. dont fret arrienette. ill be glad to take any suggestions. i mean, considering the area we have projected for this we would love to just do this ONE THING. your asking me to cut out MY HEART. you dont want me, you want a butcher. you know what, im sorry. you know what, if he feels that strongly we can do this ONE THING. i mean he has this vision, lets support him. If your sure. lets just . lets just . did you put it there just so you can take it out. you guys are sick. sick. playing fucking games. just playing your fucking games. well it isnt worth this. too much stress. too much coffee. if you insist. if you insist. Do You Guys Know Anything about the days of the week. sing song the fucking alphabet. i mean, dont cry, but its just simple. just hold me, i forget. i forget. i forget. tonite, a girl from winnipeg dances. a drunk chick from wiinpeg dances, a girl from somewher like winnipeg dances. shes just got her futon and her place. she just shakes and dances shes just got her head agaisnt the PA, by herself on the floor. this drunk chick from winnipeg. but then the song ends, and shell stop dancing. but then like a river, the next song will start. and she will start dancing. sweet drunk girl from winnipeg. dance on, dance on. 11 percent. one free product. one free motion. all in favor, all in favor. its fundamental and its... use her. use her. you know, language is a virus. sexism in any context is NEVER appropriate. im sorry, its just naked black fat crippled dikes are hard to find. i hope you understand. please, just show me your anger again. SHUTUP. yes, now i understand your anger. come on baby, take it off, come on baby, yeah. planting my feet in the ground. a gorgeous visual. feet, deep as roots, running streaming through the soil. shoelace roots, converse trunks, levi body, abercrombie branches, and thick blonde leaves. growing with age, expanding with knowledge, and creation. the human organelle, growing and shaping... constant and constantly changing. CONSTANT AND CONSTANTLY CHANGING> hes a hopeless romantic, but hes in way over his head. if its meant to be it will happen. sad guy, pacing outside. pure love and destiny. its beating in his head. but if you love her and you want her, all you got to do is let her know. hes got his mariache band, hes ready. sorry not this time. shes upstairs with a guy from a band. hes got a flaslight and an alley couch. hes just a hopeless romantic, but hes in way over his head. oral sex is important to a man, its part of gods plan. im here to help you through your sex crisis, theres no such thing as angels. well would would you call a person who flew around the world performing oral sex for free? an angel. hey, are you trying to do my husband? no, lets just call it sexual healing. wait, are all angels gay? no, lets just say that a lot of angels used to be waiters. do unto others what you would have other do unto them. we try harder because we know how it feels. buckle up mortal. do you believe that im an angel. then close your eyes and believe. is he going to be able to make it to work in the morning? no, not a chance. more skits and skirts. i cant believe the movement time is making. my god, how many hours has it been since i began this post. how long is it now? i just keep typing, strange conversations taking place and moving through my head. im writing them out as fast as i can, but i cant keep up. yes, best friend. its not right to indulge those type of tastey urges chris. they just arent right. flashy blue, sparkled pick gaurd. everyone is watching, lately i just keep wondering. not whats the point, but hey, what do you have to do tomorrow. is it that time of the year yet? no, its only spring. no, its only the spring. soon, it will be the summer. driving, slightly faster than that person behind me. waving in the rear view window. making smiling faces and whiskered cheeks. whiskered cheeks. i have to shave, cant grow facial hair, genetically innept. no, innept is an inborn quality. but i constantly use it to mean it is an impossible thing for me to do. i am "innept" of such an action. shes dancing and you could make your move... but your too drunk, and shes not liking it, no man, thats just not the way you do that. we've been waiting for you. late nite dance picnics. wish my desk mates could talk. lots of long hours here of just waiting, looking, trying to find something to do. im out of spunk, nothing really to write about. i dont know, its just something. ill talk to you later. enjoui your nite. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Yeah... dubbing sucks." "Yeah, but then again so do we!" "HAHAHAHAHAHA" "If we ever get the chance." "Seriously." "Come on, let us do some fucking work!" Late nite, little buzzed, watching kids in the hall. thinking about it all tonite. im not as abstractly minded as i wish i was. in fact, compared to the musicians i know, im not even close. the lines they create, the way they respond to music/art, they way they operate and comprehend, i just wish i could place my mind beyond these damn blockades i have. expand further, understand. i need to submerge and dwell, become. so yeah, thus i have said. I LOVE the little black and white clippings between the acts for kids in the hall. i think i could watch them for HOURS AND HOURS they are incredible. and the opening and closing, the scene and the people and the wonderful, i just wish i was tehre. i want to create black and white abstraction that they create between acts for kids in the hall. they are AMAZING, so creative and tiny, i love it. yeah. so. play the game. "ITS OURS! I BOUGHT IT!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DO RE MI BABY! i was watching the debate and decided im going to vote for the guy on the left. i was drunk all weekend. id better go out gambling... people with dixie cups and golf clubs. the benadryl and binaca. its all just good for the tax system. i love it. i love it. i love the fact that the system works. 53 - 40, that was the final count. so we won, sweet. everyone is too busy to have fun. im lazy and am going to go nap. please, feel free to be a platonic body waremer. join me, its better and more comforting to sleep with a friend than aloine. aloneneesss sucks. hes not irish at all. its all a lie. and he looks FRENCH. so yeah. booooooo ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ikarus wasnt a failure, he was just without fear. he knew the consequences and non-the-less he went ahead. ikarus wasnt a failure, he just wanted to see the stars. my mother always encouraged. you give me fever. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- taking all these pictures down. its the sound of tearing tape that offends me. not the product or the action... but the noise. i dont like it. its physical tearing upon emotional scars. i dont like it. no. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- red-ick-you-luse. ridiculous. something like that. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i dont know... i dont feel like writing. "when are you going back to work dad." "in the spring, im no good in the winter... too many rainy days. im no good on these rainy days." "what about next winter?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- negate openly. tary hastily. i know you know. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- soft and segated. its closeness and reflection. its bewit and unhiltered. i know... no, i dont know. i understand BUT i dont know. i can declare and affirmate and describe and comprehend BUT I DONT KNOW. no... i am too fancy, i preach and proclaim. but i DONT know. i am lies. i am deceit. i am full of a pure and loyal dishonesty. i mean to be and wish/claim to be. but in the end, i am not. i am nothing. i am without word, comment, or abherence. i am lowly, a mockery, and a liar. when you pass my corner, spit. and when you see me, ignore. certain ones of us are meant to fall by the wayside as warning signs. i am a BLINKING monument to unknownst tricks and treachery, deceit and rebuttal, i am following along this road as a flaring sign of what not to do at every corner. i will follow you so you may model yourself after me, take heed and warning, know where to nary step. i wont stand by the wayside, i have set my sides aflame and blaze this trail. it is fueled on pain. it will burn for years. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you dare soar, are you yet so foolish as to believe dreams constructed from wax and pipe cleaners stand any chance of rationale? you laugh and scorn, but you dont believe. it was faith that drew the blade, and it is in faith that it is plunged willingly into your side. you dare soar? nay, you dare die. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ikarus (correctly spelled Icarus), was a greek myth. we all know it. pompous boy doesnt listen to father while escaping from a tower with wings made from wax and bird feathers. told not to fly too high to the sun. doesnt listen, wax melts, falls into the ocean and dies. today, i was asked if i was an ikarus dick. meaning pompous and stubborn, bullheaded asshole essentially. i responded i wasnt, simply a failed ikarus. that i had too many illustrious dreams that i failed to recognize and too many lost beauties. i flew too high, acted to irrashionally and as a result failed. crashed in a fortnite. i had before been moreso the optimist, proclaiming "IKARUS PREVAILS". that again i soared, despite my failures and mistakes i had taken to the sky afresh. yet i was too soon spoken, and too soon to the sky, and again too soon i was brought down. brought down by my own doings. my own misjudgement and misproclomations. i was stupid. i wished too hard, gave too much too chance and didnt listen. didnt listen to something, because somewhere there was a voice, i just never heard it till now. its always been speaking, but muffled, trapped underneath scorn and abuse. ages of hypocrisy and stubborness. my own trappings and in reference my own undoings. it spoke to me, and i understood. trampled, crushed, and scattered among the feathers on the ground where i lay paralyzed and broken, it crouched next to me, close to my ear, and spoke. i couldnt move away, i was beaten, and i listened. and i dont yet understand, but im not yet ready to fly, so i will stay here as it takes care of me. this voice and yet trusted voice. soothing, with soft words that are disguised malice. soft words, that whisper. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- happy to see you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- there was something more i wanted to add... but iv forgotten it. its closing in on 3. im going to crawl over to my pulled out futon and sleep soon. by myself. well, if you dont count jason, whom i dont. he doesnt sleep with me, just in my room. tomorrow i will wake up, hopefully somewhat early, and enjoy my day. its all ending so quickly. like when you start getting towards the end of a book, maybe even a good book. and you feel with your thumb that you only have say 8 pages left. so even though your loving the book you start skimming and skipping, just sprinting towards that last leaflet, that last page, that last sentence, that last sentiment/regard. even though it might cost you the fat of the book, the message. youll go back "once" you finish it and refill in the blanks you forged past on those pages. but for then... for then you crave the end. right now, i dont want the end. but others do and its flying by. im trying to fill in the blanks, trying to make it count, to get the point. but others... others are in a hurry. and there will be no going back to fill in the lost sentences, not till next year... if we even remember. no. its all ending too fast, its becoming a blur, and im beggining to disregard even this. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- trauma. the leading cause of brain damage in people ages 5 - 18 is trauma. im 19. i have no brain damage. but im growing incessantly sure i have heart damage. im outside of the age range. the leading cause of brain damage in people 18 - 60 is something else, probably disease related. i have no "real" disease. maybe im a hypochondriac. yeah, something. my heart is a system of valves and tissue/muscle masses. it works in succesion with my nodes keeping a steady rythm. it keeps me alive. it tears me apart. why would an instrument so cruel want to keep me alive? for further torture? perhaps. but i say it is far more sinister. it is like a creature on your back, clawing at you, trying to get the best of you, suck you till you give and then move on to the next. my heart wants to kill me at an early age so that it can be transplanted into someone else. It raises me pure, happy, healthy, so that i would feel obligated to sign up as an organ donor, which i did. then, it turned fucking evil. it began slowing turning my insides to ash. burning me slowly, not like kindling, but like a slowly smoldering cigarette. the people/women i encounter each taking a long drag, eating further away at me, cinching me out. till the last one, someday, probably sooner that id like to think, ends up discarding me and stamping me out with her heel. then thatll be it, death. and my young, fresh heart, will just move onto the next victim. someone already weak, someone it doesnt have to invest as much time in. someone already struggling to cope with lifes falisies and inconsistencies. yeah... someone who wont fight for as long with as many repurcussions. someone slowly coming to be like me. i dont want to be that person, i dont want to be a seestedt. not any longer. something needs to change. my heart needs to get busy living, or get busy dying. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- geocities is working again, this is good. just today i was wishing to myself that it worked again because i have no sort of journal in which i write constantly, this is the closest thing i have to that. so i missed it, and im glad its back in order. Seawatenaewe. the book im reading "visible amazement" the girl keeps track of words she comes across she likes, odd words, foreign words, etc. i like this. Seawatenaewe. its smooth, rapture. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- buckle up. we're out of here. fucking get a job. drive till the sun comes up or we run out of gas or hit something. i prefer the latter, less to deal with in the long run or really plan. just drive till we begin to sputter and swerve into something sturdy, like a spruce. this isnt the time to dance. this and her. fighting exploitation. i can BARELY whisper. can you hear me scream? 30 miles outside of boston. ever been here? me either. shall we proceed. "youv always run, you just turn and run. you never face anything." its true, im a fucking pansy, i run and dont confront. i just bow my head and walk away. THE WAY WE ARE THE WAY WE WERE. ill go, as far as i can. driving out into all directions. these perfections just allow me more time to build upon my faults. MY FAULT. iv lost my way. i wasnt going anywhere but im lost. impossible. time is ticking. i am a time bomb. hold my hands. ill take you there. cause when im set to leave/go/blow, it will carry all of us. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry. please. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the hand on my clock strikes two, in times when i got the best of you. i made promises i couldnt keep and all these nites i couldnt sleep. I DIDNT KNOW WHY I NEVER ASKED QUESTIONS... it was the first time in my life, no IT WASNT THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE where i did something wrong. i set you up to fall. fall graciously back to your feet. search so many things that iv said. ill never amount to anything anyway. to think that anyone is impressed by this game. YEAH CAUSE IM RIDICULOUS LIKE THAT. im sorry... im sorry. this isnt a notion or a discourse. im not sure....... ill keep this as, a constant reminder. of the scars i left holding on to you. and rest, simply rest knowing im ticking away at myself wishing only things were some other way. i hate myself more with each day your gone. i set everyone up to fall. i set myself up for the greatest fall. (matchbook romance - greatest fall) NO MORE ABUSE. no more greedy hate. lush, deep fields of solitude. i shouldnt coerce or talk with anyone. i am not to be trusted, i am NOT TO BE TRUSTED. i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck. ISNT IT ALL SO FUNNY!!!!! HATE ME HATE ME HATE ME HATE ME. LAST NITE I REALIZED THAT THIS ISNT JUST A FEELING. why should i even try. when all i can tell is that tearing the thought of this is like tearing myself in tore. cant even understand why i just talk, talk about. LAST NITE I HOPED THAT THIS WORLD ISNT WHAT IM MAKING IT. because people arent people at all. we are meant to feel to destory ourselves. EVERYONE IS SO MOTHERFUCKING HAPPY. just walk away from me. JUST WALK AWAY FROM ME. today is a gorgeous day. 80 out, sunshine, kids laughing, no more classes, a full day of work with not necessary drive to touch it. what is this or you in my life. i know youll be happy, because you deserve happiness, because you deserve everything, because you deserve eternity and you deserve the regards of truth, and honesty, and trust, and love. LIES, i am. LIES. i know that its all i have, so long. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the ones you blame is true. the ones you blame is you. IM SO TIRED. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ you're always falling away from..... the one you want to be..... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- how about something just generally nice, huh? yeah, something like that. tonite was a nite. not another tally on my board, it doesnt just get laid aside and considered to be just like any other, it was full of everything. prose. i have crazy work to be doing but its all just fallen to shit. i walked around for a good 2 hours, stole a bike, rode it about, took part in a drunken brawl, when dumpster diving, tried to steal some bread, sat on numerous benches, saw some friends, talked to some really good ones, and thought. my life isnt so much in need of perspective, its just in dire need. i dont so much have a focus or a forte, im without roots or home. im drifting and its beginning to tear at my kite. too many crosswinds and gales. im tired and i want to land somewhere, but cant. i have a definite problem with something and its not like i need "pyschiatric" help, but i dont know. im not ok anymore, and tonite clenches that. i have some seriously deep rooted issues i need to resolve. im happy and im not. im happy about things, and others im not. the cones knew this. they didnt fight when i waved. but i cant find myself carving left anymore. im stuck. i pulled over. fuck it, i cant come to anyone, i need them to come to me. i hurt someone so special tonite. a truly elite star. and iv killed her a little more. THIS ISNT RIGHT. i cant do this anymore. im declaring myself sterile, gay, a bastard, an asshole, anything to keep people away. i need to learn to do something. i cant function, im needy of something. its too late and its too early. i hope. i need. NO. i shouldnt be whining and craving how NEEDY i am, thats not right at all. this is just... time. pulse. a new pulse. i need to be ok with myself. and i am, but something isnt right. im too hot and cold about EVERYTHING. i want, and i feel i can, but it just doesnt come out. im terrified. i miss, im amiss. everything tastes so beautiful. i want to be beautiful too. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scream your bloody resolution. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Your my favorite paradox. WELL LIFE IS A BITCH AND LIFE IS A PEACH. congugation in castles and sand. we'll take them be storm, days made to weeks made to months made to years and there isnt much more left to SEE BUT THIS. life is motion. life is pulse. life is what you make(believe) of it (in it). belief. choose. choice. be happy with what you have. yes, please, be happy. good medicine. low key. need to be held while having space. the bracelets know. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- IN a lifetime on our way. Seems so long. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- its IN this (IN)sINcerity that we fINd ourselves beINg mINdful of our surroundINgs. dont be sucked IN by the game. be an INdividual. be (IN)decent. understand, and INspire. love, hope. be INdisposable. IN. there is no other way, you have to go IN. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ambivalent dexterity. Flexing a new muscle. its going to work. no more of that, im through with that, this is what i want to be. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And in these moments, I find myself taken by an old hand Familiar, whispered, welcomed And they hold onto me in my rest And rock my to the steady drum of my mind Its these moments, after a breath That I find myself gasping And hoping And dreaming Because not everything turns out just right And you don�t care And you don�t mind Because so far, you haven�t had time to make up for it But you don�t mind Because now is perfect And you are being carried And there is no feeling in the world like being carried By hands, beautiful hands Wrapped in beauty Wrapped in your dreams And inside of all of this is this pinnacle of hope A PILLAR to tradition And three sheets to the wind of �I don�t give a fuck� Because everything is relevant And in your love I am myself, and in this life I am myself, and in your arms by your side on your knee I am free to I am free to be Be ME Myself Your lover. You swallowed And I panicked. Restful Opened wide Cracked to a gentle curve Like a walnut Barrels broken and set aside This isn�t as askew as you had hoped But what have you hoped for And what have you received? They say you�re dying here But I say we�re thriving That�s my favorite dress, I swear Its like it was painted to your body And not that it hugs your turns But it was crafted to be there Just like I feel I was I was Stars have always been And so were we And the waves never cease when the sun sets And some hearts never stop theyr beating Because I had a star And I let it burn away Start on me Timeless, crafted Or was this the last shot that we weren�t conscious of Calmed all after Its passed Sometimes Sometimes when you remember you will always remember Smile A painted stroke upon the air An arc, of a perfect circle A collapse, of a perfect body And a light, from something so timid that you would never expect it to glow Its this growth This rebirth That does this to me, and I want everyone to just hold my hand and ill guide them Because past these gates Past these walls, is OUR future Start on me Stars shining Stars beating. Chesire Cherish the desire Cheshire smiles And rolly-polly�os Its over Its ever just begun Its EVER just been here There are no more ands and because�s and buts This is this One more nite till tonite One more dream till I awake Patient Im so not patient And your so intriguing Your So intriguing This is not shilot Its ever Your beautiful And in flight Iv fashioned this comparison But I�m not sure how its going to hold Because I�m still rough And your so pure This is all that I�ve found out But not for long For ever Excite me And excuse me But not for long For ever You giggle as I snarl I want to make you laugh So SO SO much beauty But I cant hold anymore This is the remainder Saturating through my hands Siiiiiii Siiiiiiii is all you say YOU siiiiiiiiii as you speak You stereo You siiiiiiii away You, siiiiiiiii, you said You Siiiiiiiiii You will know Siiiiiiiii is ol these are mindless incantations to sigur ros. so beautiful. ----- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LA LA LA le le, LA LA LA le le. LA LA LA le le. LA LA LA la la lo. LA LA LA la le le. BRAK! BRAK! BRAK! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! ITS HERE ITS HER ITS HERE ITS HER ITS HERE ITS HER ITS HERE ITS HER!!! BRAK BRAK BRAK!!!! LIES!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I love the way SSSSeee's work. SSSSSsssssseeeee, they just glide from one another. SSSSSssseeeeyyyyaassss. MMMMmmmm, i love the slide of the cases to the sssseeeeeee, mmMMMMMmmmmmm. Its gorgeous, really, truly, gorgeous. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- IM SORRY THAT/BUT I CARE. CAUSE IM A FEW SHORT STEPS FROM BEING THERE. AND IM SORRY BUT THIS IS ALL I HAVE. CAUSE IM BRUSHING OUT MY EYES AND BLINKING AWAY THESE STARES. IM SORRY THAT THIS IS WHAT YOUV GROWN TO EXPECT. AND IM SORRY THIS IS THE BEST I CAN PRETEND TO BE. CAUSE WHEN WE WERE WINDING UP WE WERE BEAUTIFUL AND NOW THAT WE'RE WINDING DOWN WE'RE FINISHED FOR. IM SORRY THAT IM LETTING MYSELF UNRAVEL IN THE RAIN. BUT WHEN THIS PAIN IS PAST, I HOPE TO SEE YOU WHEN IM GOME. CAUSE I KNOW, IT WILL BE OK. DONT FRET MY SWEET ARIENNETTE, IV GROWN FONDER AND FASTER YET, BUT IV LEFT SOME CRUMBS TO HELP YOU ON YOUR WAY, IV LEFT A TRAIL TO SPEAK THE WORDS WE FORGET. ITS TIME TO SPEAK, SO SCREAM WHEN YOUV FINISHED BREATHING. CAUSE I KNOW, IT WILL BE OK. IM SORRY THAT/BUT I CARE. HOPE TO SEE YOU WHEN IM GONE/HOME. WHEN I FIND IT, WHEN I FIND US, WHEN WE'RE FINALLY FOUND. AGAIN. CAUSE I KNOW. IT WILL BE OK. (STOP THIS SPINNING). CAUSE I KNOW. iT WILL BE OK. (STOP THE SPIN AND I KNOW). IT WILL BE OK. It wIll be oK. I.I.O. Stop the spin and I. Stop the spin and I. (days away - see you). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Im alive, but iv lost all my hair. The moral of my story - "two birds fly together, but not on top of one another" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- check check check it. CHECK IT. My weekend started on tuesday, LOVE IT. Gonna be fucking ROVIN" through till sunday NITE! Wont be able to walk, but we'll see. KNOCKIN" IT UP IN DELAWARE! Cant wait... so heres to my weekend. REALLY KICKING ITSELF IN TONITE! CANT WAIT. last two nites, AMAZING SHOWS! NEXT THREE NITES, AMAZING PARTIES!!! ON AND ON AND ON ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's a shame that this is all you can ask for or expect. Iv decided that life is somethign iv been letting go of bit by bit and need to stop doing that. I have HUGE plans for this summer, and i plan to follow through on them, so im going to start now. I walked around today and gave people flowers, im going to go practice guitar now so i can sit outside and play later. I want to be outside, meet people, enjoui life. Im tired of being down, i spent 4 months kicking myself and feeling like shit and I WAS DEPRESSED. but im not anymore, and its time to take my life back with a vengeance. Today a chapter entirely ended, so fuck the book metaphors, i just want my life back. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This fucking sham. People shouldnt be made to feel, it should be a choice. No one sohuld be forced into some halffuckingass right without say so. Its not right. NO ITS TSNSHASHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! FUKC FUCK FUCK FUCK.. no no no nononononono. Its not right ITs notr guckign ewnright. Feelings are devastating. You were right ash, its about living the moment syou wish to. Not having to go throught his shit. THe shit athat eats away at you, the shit that totally inhibits you from anyhting. THS LOSS THE LIES!@ THE FUCKGIN LIES> its just everything you hno no no nont fuck in ts not everything, its just . tfuck. NO,. Thise isnt calming or exhilirating, its not reven pain, its not even a rush, its a pulse. Life moves in a pulse. ANd when things are twisted and changed and drept from where you wish them to be you are swept in it. My pulse is fucking tearing me away from my body. ITs a sweeping motion that is lifting me to drop me. N ofufcking life i s apule. A conitnuse motion of oull and drop and give. Titsts just that this isnt eahw ati i watn to dobe tfeeeling. THeis is anty twha ETHJITHEIHT THIS ISNT WHAST IT H QW#ATN TO TBNE FEELING EHTIS ISNT EHWAT I W ASNT TO HABE FEELGING! no on ononlife isnt fair. life isnt hfair. everone is given to theis fucking pulse so that we're made to be boudn tosetehr. THE TRUTH AND QUSERTION ARE JUST SHIT> WHY DID I HOLD ON WSO LONG!?? SHWYHY?? SHe didnt , months amd months of just birtter irony and hell. IT WAS JUST ME, not its was jsut wsme. I want death, i cragve , I RVRCRAVEEE and its sno fuckign insnae, i blame only me while scaremaing i hate you. I HTAE aweit this fuckign pulse. This beaming in my head taht forces my fingers to hjust rush. this tearinga t my heart to stop resting in btween beats and beat again. no fuckign jolly anyhitng. HOME IS A HELL AND IT ISNT WHAT I AWANT. i dont want any of this. i want to leave. i want to leave. i need to get the fuck out of here. this isnt waht i want ed this isnt waht i needed this isnt anything to me. tehis twia ijust shit. this ist me life. tsnmmiat I HAVE TO GO I HANCANT TAKE IT. NO NONONONONONO NO NO NOI donteantjust dont what this anymore. i tdont wajotnpthign. THOSER TTHEY EWERE TMINE TNA DHNTHIE ITS ALL JUST on tylreacal ata > T IF ICUFCKING ITHNO NO NONONONONONONO. YOU DONT EVB+UDNERSATAND ANHUISH AND THIS PAIN ISNT EVEN PAIN ITS JUST BECAME AOPUSLE> MY haeart ahas absorbed it and imts pumping through me. EVeryu beat a scarema dn ani cant strceam myself. ITS JUTS TOO MUCH, its overpowering its confusion and angst and betrayl. T HEYRE ARE NO ESFXPECATIATION!AS!! no one beligns to anyonboyd we are all ourselves. DSUVIRVLA> SUHE WILL EAT YOU UP AND LEAVE YOU You aetn tsre ayou you yo you yyou are simply fodder. NDONT RUNT ROFUCKIGN FURN YOI NO NO NO NO NONONONON ON NO ON ON ON ON ON NO NO NONONONNONONONONONONFUCKAITNUTYGVCIFKFFGFUCK this thwfucking shitfuckin ghsworld. I dont undersatnd, i ucant compredhend ai cant evena trupe ti cant ctype fast enough. T heis aits al constant collapse, its a constant scollapse its all just a failerure. LIfe is a fualire i have no direciton nor goal . i have nothing. yi have ntaken nothign with me. i letft my soul for the hell and jsut walked away t. ti hthgout i was stronger than this but im not. I HVANDONT CANT>! tiwaehre hwerh were wehre is everyonebody? einot no no eonce is fucking here. IM ALONE and htis iwnt st right? i dont ewdeserve this. I DESERVE IT ALL TI HTISFUCKING DESERVE IT all i am dn ansshole?> I HJUSDEGE AND IM TERRIHBLE. im ngoing to fucking cray ani have to leave becaufreo im onoticed. ANOTHER STATISTIC IN THE OPEN i need to welcome all theis fucking fury. FEEL MY FINGERS PULUSE AND I SLAM ANDWAY and iwetrs just not the way. NO NO NO WHOEVERYONE FUCKING NKENWO NUBUBUT ME. HEAL YOU GODD DAN WOUNDS HEAL!? THEY CASAY THAT CANDCER< AN WAERMING SIGN FOR CNAER IS INABILITY FOR A WOUND TO HEAL, indeigaestion and inablility to swallow, itS A CUFKCING CNANDER. ITS A FUCKING CANCER> ITS A FUCKING RUST TEARIGN AWAY AT ME> its mosving so slowly yet wuiqckly. ITAS VENGEANCE ITS ANGSIT TIS EVBERYTHING YOU SOTPPED CARING ABOUT I AHELD ONTO AND NOW ITS BECOME A SICKNESS> e veryeone ounce of wish and hope dashed in 3 minutes orf poilite conversations and everything that setill seemed reasoble and wishign is FSHIT! %@!!!!! NO! NO! NO!N O!NO!NO!NO!NOHAHFHAHAHFAUFKCUFCKUFCKUFCKFUYCKFUYCKFCUKFUCKFUCKFUAHAHAHAHA A AAHA AHA AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! why swoas i tthinks no NONONONONONONEVER AGAIN NEVER FUCKING AGAIN EVERY. i wiw ill neever let thjis be. NO NOF UI CANJT IC ANT DO NO TIS TSNO!! !i need to go. i heneed to calle gelosi, i enee dto fucking tuck run run anaway from this dufkcing forasaken ass. I HAVE TO GO, no im fucking going. no no no , fuck, no one told me, no tone told me. no one cared... no one fcared. cared. arcared...caresd...scar not si jsutno no. no no no. no one car es. no ones creas. no onea cres. i have to gvo. no one cares. i cant acare anymore, i cant care anymore. i cant. no no no. carea CRAR ECARE CARE CARUCKFU CAHHHHHHHHHHH!!H!HHHHHHH ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Im sorry, im an asshole. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tramatized (2:21:03 AM): life is ridiculous Tramatized (2:21:10 AM): not to be prolific and shit Tramatized (2:21:11 AM): but it is Tramatized (2:21:16 AM): and you should never turn yourself off from it Tramatized (2:21:34 AM): its like protecting yourself from the pain Tramatized (2:21:43 AM): and then only when you feel safe do you allow yourself to actually feel Tramatized (2:21:50 AM): you cant choose the moments youll feel Tramatized (2:21:52 AM): you always have to Tramatized (2:21:55 AM): or else its fucking empty Tramatized (2:21:57 AM): and pointless Tramatized (2:22:00 AM): and just stupid Tramatized (2:22:11 AM): life isnt something you can pick and prune over Tramatized (2:22:13 AM): its love "response" (2:22:19 AM): naw.. it be filled w/differnet things Tramatized (2:22:23 AM): no Tramatized (2:22:25 AM): its not Tramatized (2:22:59 AM): there isnt a single other thing that you can be fixated and live on/with your entire life and be happy with except love Tramatized (2:23:13 AM): life IS ridiculous Tramatized (2:23:15 AM): and so is love Tramatized (2:23:24 AM): i just hate that you dont see this Tramatized (2:23:29 AM): and you talk about love Tramatized (2:23:31 AM): and marraige Tramatized (2:23:32 AM): and this guy Tramatized (2:23:36 AM): and your appeal Tramatized (2:23:41 AM): and some shit fling we had Tramatized (2:23:45 AM): and nothing phases you Tramatized (2:23:50 AM): i never saw you as this person "response" (2:24:31 AM): you had sex w/some girl randomly when you got to school. "response" (2:24:38 AM): preaching or accusing isn't necessary. Tramatized (2:25:10 AM): i swear Tramatized (2:25:14 AM): there isnt anything i regret further Tramatized (2:25:22 AM): it changed my life Tramatized (2:25:37 AM): i dont take little things for granted Tramatized (2:25:45 AM): i dont throw around the term love Tramatized (2:25:59 AM): i dont do a lot of things anymore...... no, i dont. --------------------------- So life. Life is this gigantic ball of everything. And iv been entirely abusing it. I dont have direction, purpose, style, art, contribution, motivation, or acclamation. I exist and throw around fancy jubilee on occasion. I am without anything. I need to reassert, adjust, and be. I need to feel, enjoy, and love. Stop caring and start becoming. No, life is about love, and love is more than a human being. Love of life itself, of grace and beauty and style and marksmanship. Being straight on and talented. I crave to be talented, im going to stop shitting myself around and do something about these CRAVINGS! life isnt just about this, life is about this all. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Your words were slighted and choosen. I know your better than this, i know i can lie to myself for as long as you can lie to me. So wrapped up in falsity that trust is no longer to my aid, instead it is my hell. FUCK REALITY. FUCK THE PLANET. Breathing these words so deep, its all i have to hope for, just one day to hold you while you push me away. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tell her that im not around, tell her im a freak. Tell her that i fall apart every time i speak. I JUST SCREAM!!!!!!!!!! I JUST SCREAM!!!!!!!!!! Take this fucking cigarette and take me to the train. Blowing fuses everywhere and bending out my brain. I JUST SCREAM!!!!!! I JUST SCREAM!!!!!!!! Dont know how i got in here, talking on the phone. Hold my heart and stab my hand take me where the lovers go. I JUST SCREAM!!!!!! I JUST SCREAM !!!!!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1000 visits, cool. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- But this, this calls for celebration. Heres one for the gypsies. Travel, i cant wait to travel. I want a car and a full gas tank. $50 and a weekend to burn. Good company, a shitload of music, and no destination. Just looking for the chance... i need that now. Anyone have a car? Ill pay, swear. Ah there, you see, it all worked out. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Its not a mainstream skill. I wish i was... hmmm. Not dead, no no, thats stupid. And not gone, because i dont exactly care. I want, i want something more. You didnt tell him? No, you tell him. I wish i was surrounded by FRIENDS. It sounds ridiculous, but it keeps crossing my mind. I know, its a terrible thing to say because i have friends, but at the same time i feel like i dont. I need activity, purpose, meaning, creativity, change, toast. I need fucking toast. Damn, so many needs. I need fucking things, i need anything. I feel so trapped in my fucking dorm, but im really just trapping myself. I need to get out but at the same time i dont want to get out. I have to stop caring about what everyone is thinking/saying. And more and more i am. DAMN i want some toast. I just want a fucking sandwich. Tomorrow, im getting a sandwich. But right now, i want some fucking toast. And some milky way spread, and some cocoa puffs, and some mustard. The mustard isnt for the toast with the milky way spread and cocoa puffs, i just like toast with mustard. And a coke, or pepsi, whatever. I havent had soda in such a long time. Tomorrow, toast, sandwich, bread, soup. MMMMMmmmmmm. Tomorrow, i have dreams for tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow. BUt at the same time i know i have NOTHING to do tomorrow, and that sucks. I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING. Im not satisfied with my life right now, i have so many things to be utterly MAD about. Things that are so great right now and wonderful. But the present, the things happening here now are just awful. I mean, theyr ok and they get me by and i do things and such... but i want more. New, exciting... SOMETHING. I need to expand,try things, anything. I dont even really know what im talking about. I just need anything. Tomorrow, i need to go to a party, a party somewhere, anywhere. And just enjoy myself with friends. And of course being under the influence of some substance is nice as well. I just want to enjoy myself and meet people and do something different from this constant drudgery of EAST halls. theres no life lesson here. Tomorrow, i want to go get a sandwich and maybe a pair of glasses from Rag and Bone. Go downtown and just smile at the nice weather. Tomorrow had better be nice, no, it will be nice. TOMORROW! FUCKING A TOMORROW! But right now... right now kind of sucks. Ohwell, soon enough. Enjoui. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- They lifted fragile fingers. Lift me up. I can still get hurt. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Does it matter. You called my bluff. Its alright, its always alright. Everything is always "alright." Reason... need something new. The less said the better. Im always here when you need me, at your disposable, like a dixie cup. Use at will, the steadfast soldier. Didnt work for Jackson. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I will be the one to never let you down. My stomach is destroying itself, not happy with it right now. Gotta find some relief, need to get some sleep, need to just lye and forget, neet to leave my mind for a vacation with my body, gotta get out of PSU, gotta get out of PSU, gotta get out of PSU. No one will ever know anyone, we gotta try something. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Something of value, but something untrue (Yellowcard - Something of Value). Pretend you cant see me. Because we're all just hiding anyways. Youv made this last on crumbs and fumes, im tired of hardly moving. If i run for the door now, i might make it. This is my last give. Give it to me. I know how you feel now, but i have to do this for me. Too selfless to be selfish. Too selfish to be selfless. How can you complain that you feel something for me when this all stemmed from your inability to. No. no. Last give. Give this to me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- id love to see it. But it only comes around, it only does. Frequently rare. Just one more thing, i was hoping youd stick around for the ending. But if you really have to go ill understand. Well, pra'ps tomorrow then? Yeah... i got no plans. Never got any plans. Its so hard to build yourself up when you keep getting knocked down mid sentence. Enjoui... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When i wake up, will any of us remember? Somethings are better left to yesterday. From where im sitting it seems that we should just walk away while we're ahead. Saw you looking over here, i know what your thinking, but i got some things to take care of. I want to take care of you. I gotta do just one more thing before i sign, before i lease, before i rent, before i BUY(ou). Heres to all of us. Heres to (us) all of us. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HEY! your part of it. (piebald - american heart). Washing windows, making 10 bucks a pop. HEY! your part of it. From all iv heard, and all iv seen. This place is broken. This place is broken. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I wish i had called time out, but im not concerned. The kid has got great awareness, he understands. Wish we all could understand. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Let my breath run long. Forgotten all over again, forgotten everything iv ever wanted to forget. I guess its ok to just let it all pass me by. I guess its ok to take a little rest on the side for a bit. Waving, right where i want you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I think i gotta get away to you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ITs all just a (SIMPLE)plan to keep you HERe (with ME). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You got a perfect view. I rode the bus this morning on my way back from the SBS. Your just like hitler, sweet and chewable. And i sat on one of those seats that faces in towards the aisle instead of the front of the bus. So you have to stare at the person across from you. I didnt mind, i was listening to Hot Hot Heat and Matchbook Romance, so i didnt need to mind. But yeah, iv fucking ridden the loop circle so many times(before) since iv been here. But i never sit in one of the sped-monkey seats. I saw SO MANY things iv never noticed before, it was crazed. Even though i was riding the same route as always and just doing nothing different or on any substances i saw SO MUCH more and SO MANY new things just from a change in position(perspective). It was incredible, who knew. Fucking PS.FU, i know your secrets. (you got no place to hide). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I dont want to sink that low. I dont want to pretend that this is who i ca(am)n be. I dont want to blink this one time, i want to prolong it, force myself to watch. Its not intentional... it just happen(ed)s. Yeah, well, a knife, regardless of how its inserted, still hurts. Im sorry man, im sorry. I wont come if you dont want me to, i understand. I should know by now, iv lived this lesson long enough. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Late nite, long day. Strong year. Heavy on my mind. Heavy on my. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Worth a shot./ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I love those Irish people. All jolly and giant and eating peas and shit. You just have to love them. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And if im home, for the nite. Ill make sure, that this is fair. And if im home for the nite. If im home, ill be there. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back in the car. 3 AM. Swerving. There are cones here, plenty of them. And they are warning (CAUTIONING) me to stay away from the left lane. I know that they are there for my safety (but i want to harm them) I dont want the cones (columns) tto keep me from driving where i want to go, i want to explore the left lane. Why is it that the left lane is (OFF) limited. No, i wont pay attention to them. They are stripped, equally in their native orange and transient whites. They flash (by) as i drive (by), but it doesnt matter, because i already know they are there. Pinnacled eleptic discs repeat their message. Down the row (line) cadance. They are there for me, just me. 3 AM, the asphalt, me. 3 AM, the warning, me. The cones dont understand me, they are just doing their job. But then again, so am i. I exist in this universe and we are all playing god with a chaotic fist. Its survival of the fittest and my CAR is more POWER(hungry)FUL THAN YOUR FLASH(cry)ING DISCS. I gently glide towards the FOR(boding)BIDDEN left lane. I wave (hello cones). They shine back their discs and transient stripes, they know what im doing. But they have their job, and i have mine. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cause i dont want to wait forever, for ever, for this. Its 3 AM, and im flying, but only figuratively. 80 FT> a second, mo(tion)ving Fast(er). Its such a trip, i only wish this destination would come a little sooner. Traveling on this fucking bus, circling, circling. Its just one big loop with SO many destinations but no finish(line). Its just constant. People get on, people get off. Will they have been changed by the EASE(necessity) of their journey. No no no they will not(Wont be). at all. Its just another ride on the course. My whole life is a series(ious) of these circles. All perpendicular to the last. Im not sure exactly what it is that im trying to prove or say to any of these words. (HEY, they are just words. Words cant hurt you. Words are bullets). Words are inanimate, words are text, typing, vocalization put to sight. Leapt from sound and put to thought. Words are ambivalent. They dont judge or care who posesses them, they simply exist because we created them. You created them. I created them. Words have no imploration. It is the writer, not the word. I just love surprises. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This blows my mind. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is everything that she always wanted it to be. Todays a great day for a night full of surprises. Been listening to (Days Away - Everymakes) for the past few days. Good song. I feel fine, i feel fine. I like to listen to music and write my own words along with the songs. Or just write inspired by the words, or the chords. So dont think i dont know the songs and are writing down the lyrics incorrectly... cause im not? Yes yes, yes. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's not quite so normal. So you're having a baby. Well, congratulations. Say something, come on, anything. You really only have 3 choices, disposable, fabric, or diaper service. Closure, its all about closure. Now when rocking the baby make sure to do so from head to toe, not side to side like floor model cradles display. And since im home for the nite, ill take care of everything. Just sit back, ill rock you till you fall asleep. I wont let go. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you ever dreamed of someone before you met them? I always liked traveling. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Fleeting, and in that verb i find myself. I have dedicated myself to the idiom, 'I dont Know,' and i am in love with the frantic universe." I've never seen a key there before, seems it has the potential, but i dont know which way to turn it for on or off. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- With the fear that i know i could miss. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I changed my locks today. It only hurt for a moment, but it was harsh and intense. Last pages leaving, i guess this is the last paragraph ill be writing out for this chapter. Slight pause before i begin again. Yeah, its all gone now... all of it. Fucking sad, really is. I miss her... Ok, pause over, new chapter, new beginning, new ____, new everything. I need some support and some guidance, but thats what friends are for. Thanks guys, really, thanks. And when you wake up you wont remember any of this. And when you wake up you'll be happy. Cause i cant wait forever for this. Yeah, happy... happy. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hey Johnathon, how's the bottle been treating YOU? Your only suffice, your only sacrifice. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Im still unsaid, hold onto the things unsavored, unflavored. Hold onto this. Will you pray this be the end? No, these things neverend. These things outlast. No matter how badly you. No matter how badly. If pain kills, then youll hate me and wait for more. SINCE THESE STAMmer(ped)e(d) TRAIL(er)S HAVE FALL(fall fall fall, fucking)E(dow)N. HOW FAST WE ALL LO(ve)SE CONTROL. I HAVE EVERYTHING THEY(ou) GAVE M(issing)E(everything). I'll be waiting, here FOR(ever). I HAVEN"T FAIL(you)ED YOU KNOW, I HAVEN"T FAIL(you)ED YOU (this is irrelevant). Sometimes wishes are mindless, but benevolent. Iv learned a lot from wishing. HOPE(less) AND STUCK(STARVING) here. THANK GOD FOR YOUR STRENGTH (Coheed and Camria - Hearshot Kid Disaster). THIS WILL NEVE(ver)R BE LEFT AL(l)ONE. WE WILL NEVE(ver)R BE AL(l)ONE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you want me to change? Ill change for forgiveness. Im so fucking guilty. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nothing else compares, why do i even try when nothing else compares. No, there is no resolute, no true justification or opposition, simply this. And it appears so virginal white and sterile, clean and pristine, like a fresh hollywood and vine bathroom. Beautiful, entirely. Complete with marble toilet seats and raw silk bath tissue. I love that movie, but mine doesnt display the "worst bathroom in Scotland" remark, wish it did. Thats funny shit. MMMmmm, PB and J, fresh made or prepackaged. Such a tough decision. But with my head in your lap and my eyes to the sky, all im tasting is you. And you taste like nothing iv ever even imagined. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHY DONT YOU TRY HARDER. Again... again, again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Are you concerned about the backlash? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My list is very partial to delicious, deliciousness. MMMmmm. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SUMMERTIME! The spring blossoms gin. I cant wait to be squidged ever so lovingly in the back of the Maveric with my B101 and some good friends. Cool breeze, wonderful. Waiting for home, waiting for all of you, waiting for this. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Dude, it was like the matrix. You caught the bullet and were like PHHHWWAAHHH, and it killed you and i lived. And i was like, 'NEO' PHHHWWWAAAHHHHH." "Dude, it was so like that." "We are so fucking stupid." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And this honesty has caused me to change on your porch, tonite. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You stabbed me somewhere with something meaning someone. It all was indirect and misintended. I dont blame you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When i walk along a wall, or a row of plants, or near anything that has some value to it, i touch it. I run my hand along walls all the time, i run my hand along tables, chairs, bushes, flowers. I like to pull down Elm seeds and run them over in my fingers. I like to feel everything. Its not even an experience i completely remember or cherish, just every time i do it is its on unique timing. And i continue doing it, reminding myself of something, of its value. That this has value. That this needs to be known, touched, recognized, noticed. And i am, and im glad i am. And i share that, and then move on till i share it again. Or someone else does. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This nite was so brisk, i could turn my arms churning through it and there wasnt a breeze, just a blur. It was nice, slower... slowed. And i turned around a few times to catch my reflection, but i only saw my shadow. But in the same, it was nice non the less. There i sat in the suburbs, it was quaint in a really stupid kind of way. So much white noise. I really cant place my thoughts... this speech just isnt working for me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CAUSE THATS ALL THAT YOULL GET. CAUSE YOUR HERE, THEN YOUR GONE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I want to see this from the inside. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Perplexing. You are the body that sleeps beneath my wake. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some things are just more important. Some things are just more important than yourself. Some things are just more important to yourself that you have to put it before anything. Some things are just important because you love them. Some things / love are just more important. Love is some thing that is just more important. Love is more important. Love is important. Love is. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This weekend was full of all sorts of novelties. I released a new tier of unrelinquished, unrequitted... something held within that i didnt even know. Something freshly opened and uneveloped. Im not even sure what it was, but its out there now. So prepare yourselves for .. somethign? This is something that i think we all have to get used to. The questioning is no longer a question, its just a search. And it isnt pestering you, its just sort of tagging alongside you until you let it in. When you know its name, when you know. And i was all up in its face this weekend, petting it, talking to it, learning all about it. It wont be long now. Im counting down from 100, holding my breath, go. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- IIts sunday. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lets change the time... i feel so old. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We HELD a moMEnt. WE / HE / ld eachot / HER. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- YOUR FACE WAS GLOWING...YOUR GONE. (The Beautiful Mistake - Fragile Fingers). Angels CRASH around me. Flying to save me from myself. Diving to change one last thing. A sheer moment, those saints had passed me by. Porcelain in remains, glazed white shards/shrapnel. Still smiling, still sorating. They were not afraid, they were not afraid. They lifted fragile fingers, and pointed to theirselves. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Filing out this door, through these corridors and out the window. Its a line-up. Its a forte. Its a crescendo. Its a mezzo tremelo. Its beyond compression of written hand. Its pure music. An extra sensory detail left behind from creation. It is not to be comprehended or intended, it is simply the lack of anything else. You dont experience the sensation. You experience the lack of any other sensation. You become deprived, selfless, and restraint. You LOSE YOURself in song. And soon it BEcoMEs you. BEcoME. BEME. BE ME. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feeling multifaceted like an incomplete puzzle. Shattered across your floor, half 1/3 of my 198 pieces from lack of dedication. More faith. More faith. Feeling undeniable like a flightless bird. Cut from my only symbol, battled and strapped to something so undesirable that my only punishment is to remain. Feeling sure-footed like a screaming child. Lost in every corner of this world, no experience necessary. Feeling makebelieve like the only true meanings are those that aren't. Sequestered and shackled, if only my dreams were my cries. I REMEMBER QUESTIONS FROM BEFORE WE MET. I took my blood just to give you more. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Changed my wrist garments today... still missing a little something. And no more songs, not this time. Aint got no solution, aint got no time. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I left myself. A rushing tide, filling in all these broken phrases. I left my (gaurd down) self. I left my (for you) self. I left my (everything) self. I left my (hope... for you) self. I left my (not living) self. Draumazine and disphoria. Im still hooked on your drug. And whenever i feel the same im withdrawling. Whenever i feel this way im gone. Whenever your mentioned im laughing, and whenever your spoken of im my (heart is broken) self. (The Beautiful Mistake - disclosure). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nothing so drastic i guess, another day. Always wishful though. A land of dreamers. I belong. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Try Try Try to MAKE this so awfully WORTHwhile. Pathetic, as you wash the neglect from his clothes. These arent the dreams that you looked forward to. Highschool days, there was never a night. Highschool daze, there was never your knight. There are no more towers to scale, youv reached the top. Im dissapointed with how stubbed it compares. Tip your hat, tap your heart. These arent your dreams because this whole life has become a nightmare. If only i had been closer. If only i hadnt paused a second in that hallway to look through that other door and miss which door you went through. Iv been spending these years searching every frame. But this maze is between us. Taking fire to these walls never seemed to proud. Burning down my own establishment. Sacrifices and commitment. My own 3 walled prison. I can leave whenever i want to... i just havent gotten around to it yet. Dont fret, because its prom nite. This is how the hustle goes, everyones watching, HONESTY IM NOT SCARED ANYMORE. Cant you figure this is all just a sherade, i got no secret purpose. (Jimmy Eat World - Authority Song). OH YEAH YOUR PRETTY GOOD LOOKING FOR A GIRL. BUT YOUR BACK IS SO BROKEN. AND THIS FEELING STILL GONNA LINGER ON UNTIL THE YEAR 2525. (White Stripes... or Whirlwind Heat - Pretty Good Looking.) My future is wide open. Im gonna know everything i need to know now. I leave all of this to you. I remember when we sat on the porch swing, sipping sweetly, swinging slightly, singing slowly, softly weeping. I was headed to war that day, and goodbyes are always goodbyes. As the breeze blows and the swing swings... ill be there. Not on these DAMN shores fighting for some cause i dont understand. These shores, seperate, but together. Like these shores. I WILL LINGER ON BESIDE YOU. No shifting in these hands, no rightful conception. Artistry. You will hope on without me, but you will never love without me. Tonite, for there are no more todays. Tonite, for there are so many more beginnings in the dark. Tonite, because thats all we have. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sure. Its so peculiar. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Im an ass, i deserve all of this. Yes, today was going to be controversy and confrontation. I knew it, and tried to smile... now im just scared. Uncomfortable in my own space, why did everyone just decide to leave the room? I shouldv left when they did, i shouldnt have passed up the chance. Alright... alright... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I know i typed it somewhere just a few days ago, something along the lines of "When it hits it hits hard, really fucking hard." Or "When your asking for it it comes full strength." I guess i was asking for this with all my moping and bitching/belly-aching. Terrible, so terrible. Im going to pay, and im going to ruin. Im an awful person, im a terrible terrible awful person. Just everyone stay the hell away from me, im like cancer. Ill just ruin all the good in you and turn it to shit. Im nothing special/spectacular, im just a stupid fucking boy. And all stupid fucking boys do is hurt wonderful, innocent, and caring girls. I DONT WANT TO HURT ANYONE! JUST RUN, RUN THE FUCK AWAY! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I wish i was from Jersey. PA just doesnt have the same ring. At some point its ok to move on, its needed to move on. Police line, do not cross. Pondering closely. You have a lot to learn. Before i can return those rights to you. Its as easy as learning to switch on a light switch. I cant stress that enough. Just wanted to say 'hi'. "Hi." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Im not trapped, im free. Just chasing the night, searching for a little ambivalance. Looking for that smile, those hands Looking for you. Its a wonder it took this long. Hey, im shy... Your all dressed up to go dreaming arent you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hey, the keys, the keys are over there. Please, the keys are right over there. Its not like its supposed to be this way. Just sometimes you lock yourself in and need help to get back out again. "Im in the trunk." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You can keep it moving if you dont look back. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Its those smiles you get, the uncertain ones, after you ask, "So, how are you and _______ doing?" "Oh... you know, he's just ______." Yeah, dont worry, i understand. Sorry, cant do it sally, just cant. "Please, i have a wife and two kids" "really, well you best be sweet to them, especially your wife. My husband wasnt and see how i turned out. Now get in the trunk." So now what, i think i got us in a situation where we both are sure to get killed. Tough, just choose a channel. You know, certain words and phrases just keep drifting through my mind... so do i want to come out alive? We're gonna have to think about it. "we're not making any deals, i aint got nothing to go back on." Theres always plan B, theres always tomorrow. Just watching life pass by from the rear-view mirror. Everything is approaching, but all your watching is whats already passed. Its no way to live your life, but for now... its nice. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Operation Aqua Lung. Im going to breath underwater. Philosophically. Today we want your opinion. Send us your thoughts in a brief email. Ill read through them and tell you what i think. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- prancingtaco: hi Tramatized: hey hey prancingtaco: feeling more together today than you did last night? hehe Tramatized: much more so Tramatized: thank you prancingtaco: I'm glad to hear it prancingtaco: I just wanted to check up on you, you know, the whole worrisome motherly instinct, hehe Tramatized: haha, thank you Tramatized: i seem to be everyones child. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's inticing? Is it not? These ideas/ideals. Im just trying to reconsider but i keep holding down my SHIFT key and motioning myself to pull over. Slow down child, this isnt a race. We'll all end up at the same place. Use some elbow grease to buff out those stains. Everyone is always trying to rid themselves of stains. Stains are there for a reason. You pushed too hard, worked to savagely, got RUSHed. Stains are reminders. Stains are there to warn you. "I believe that certain people are meant to fail, to fall the wayside of the highway as sign posts to the rest of us. Reminders of what not to do or be, to help keep those of us on the right path." "Path to what?" "Success." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tap it slowly, when your hammering ice it will crack and shatter if mishandled. But if you have patience enough to see the true beauty behind the sculpture, it can be ravenous. Taking in light and bending it so that it isnt just a physical representation of an element, but a physical embodiment of that elements all. Tap tap. Ice and light. The soft sharp cold. Angled, perfection. S. s. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dont worry now, dont worry NOW, dont worry cause its all under control (Hot Hot Heat) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bestow, below. I want to crown you and name you something astounding/beautiful/gorgeous/prolific. I want meaning to stem from every fold and inch and bend back on itself with subcontext and rhetoric/redemption. Cant choose just one word or meaning, need 2 squared and a / . Wishing anything was anythign better. Wishing to be fulfilling a wish for the past weeks spanned months. nothing. nothing is the same. i feel. I FEEL. its so much for the taking that it needs to be contained. but im too cracked to be contained and im spilling it everywhere. spread some happiness, it wont kill you. If your enjoying it help others enjoy it too. IM GLAD IM BROKEN! BEacuse there is nothign to lose and taking a chance that you want to take is only going to help. Theres no deeper to drive a nail that is set in wood. NAIL. there is only the extraction. 4 walls constantly falling, no foundation or restraint. Just catching one wall while trying to raise another. Struggle is life. Its when you finally have time to sit back and smile at the scenery that your eye misses the most valuable little pieces. If your constantly being pressed to expect, youll see it, if your not challenging yourself and just coasting, youll miss it. I never want to miss a thing again. IM sorry i was complaining and sounding so bitter and angry. I was, but i was aware. I confronted and obtained. HOPE is a wonderment. Hope Hails from the heart. HOPE HAILS from the HEART / LOVE. LIFE. please LIVE. we all need another warm hand to grasp. LIVE, provide some warm character for the world. LOVE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Everytime i find motivation to write something it is at the cost of another. There is no rightful log or explanation, just dancing around a topic to avoid frustration but in essence causing it. Words are flouaty tools used by others to decieve, perpatrate, emulate, facilitate, and USE. Words are tight little packages that tick and slowly deconstruct meaning so that you are left with nothing but what they choose/force to have you accept. Words are powerful and are thrown around by amatuers to soon and too broad. Words are bullets, and when i shoot mine off into the sky every so often ones gonna come back down and hit me. Im SHOOTING my mouth off again, and ill pay. Writing is art, and its all i have left. Yet im never unahinged, constantly trapped from remaining ajar. Wishign this damn door stop would grind away and leave me swing openly, freshly oiled and waiting to be PUSHed. PUSH me. I dare you, i got a lot of ammo saved up, this could really be beneficial. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Flustered faces touching lips and touching up make-up. I hope to one day promise this. Wholly present and entirely gone. My body is soft. Intertwined, i cant even break free, i cant breath. Motionless, soundless. Regardless. Tilting towards tomorrow. Timing this last step so it all matches in sync. Catching the breeze, lite is brite, tracing fingers, flickering. Too many moments to recap or relive. Wish i could grasp this, wish we all could experience this. Wish this experience was forever. A permanent addition to the curation. Dont worry about today, just pass it over for the next room, its not going anywhere. Days to discover. I plan to invest my time wisely. Dont worry, im reinventing myself. Its nothing new, its something old. Something past over and hidden. How many shovels till the center of your soul? How many piles of dirt and shit have you leapt upon your true image of the years, sacrificing a tiny segment a piece at a time in order to just be a little more accepted. If you were to back track over each instance, doubt, masquarade, how long would it take. Im breaking out the shovel and shoving aside this falsehood. I HATE THE WORD FALSE. FAKE. FACADE. Its useless and tryanical, empowering. Its too much and too heavey. Its taken so unlightly that its scoffed at, laughed to, remarked bitterly. You know that this isnt the word to be taken in serious. Its just a stupid word, never mind its usage. False, hate it. False, no. I want to be me more than iv ever been. From the third stage, a stage 3 toddler, it was FALSE. no more FALSE to be FALSE i want FALSE to just FALSE STEP ASIDE. its not a frency but a realizaiton. Understanding and for-promised commitement. I want to , try to , be. I AM. BE ME. Not clique.. SO Fopau. Rhetoric. Dances, its all just a dance. A fine harmonic ballet. It was dead, but in esseance that was FALSE. im done with false... please take heed of the signs, they are there for your own protection. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Im not sure what i try to be, im not sure of me, im sure that your smile is beautiful. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To be king, restless. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- atypical, symmytric. With magnetic attraction its intensely strong. The opposites creating passion through new everythings. Polar base pairs finding comparison through difference. Symmytrically attraction is like products binding to one another to ensure survival. Grappling to the other for security, livlihood, etc. Both are strong, both are trusting, both are reliable? When youv been through this you lose a certain essence, trust is a hard word to spell. T.R.U.S.T. You have to trust in someone. Trust in yourself, and you'll never lead yourself wrong. 18 frets and 5 minutes to prepare. Im not sure which direction is correct, when your selfish you want everything, when your selfless you want what is best for the other person, when your me your struggling to constantly right yourself for everything you do wrong in either course of option. Tightly knit, hardly moving. This on-ramp is so congested that its failing to move traffic. Halted, skipped over and chosen the next down the line. Ill carry this home with me, and keep it to my side for the nite. No worries, see, im smiling. Honestly, smiles. Ok children, smiles on. No need for facades. Really, smiling. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- No, its not 'that' illegal, its just frowned about. Im educating myself on a new topic/hobby/experience. Im an apparent newbie, yet im adopting myself to a mentor/topic instructor. Its about slight enjoyment and easy to come by manufacturers. No, its about living and waiting. Light patience for a brand new day. There is no sun out tonite, but i dont have to sit and wait for it, because for once i have faith again in the new day. No, there is no sun out tonite, but there will be tomorrow. THE SUN WILL COME OUT, TOMORROW! BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR THAT TOMORROW, THERE'LL BE SUN! TOMORROW! TOMORROW! I LOVE YA! TOMORROW! ITS ONLY 4 HOURS AWAY! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Iv checked so many times but now i dont want to anymore. Im tired of this game and i want to go home. Purple chrysanthimums. Its ok, the silence is nice, if only jason would shut the hell up. I want to remember everything, i want to record my life and broadcast it on pay-per view. No, it will not be filled with hot sex scenes and hot women in bars. JASON SHUT THE HELL UP! But, it will be honest to my life. This weekend alone was filled with enough interesting detail to keep a person going for weeks. Lap dances, spin ball arcade games, turning your body to jelly, and getting the best sleep of your entire life bent in an 'L' on your sofa. pestering me to play with him, he is the LEGO man. EL LEGO. ELLEGO. Visit, so many double meanings. I dont want to rest my head just yet, iv grown accustomed to 3 A.M. I like it, its nice until it ends. Traitor...treachery. I remember that exchange and im worried because of it. No man, nothing like that. I called but there was no response, 'your cell must be dead.' How can i be angry or upset when it was all self-inflicted. Necessary, omelettes and lesions. These tributaries trickle towards the river. Its about different lives meeting, joining, splitting, crossing, all the on the path to the greater stream head. You gain and lose yourself, your water, your body, to these other streams when they become part of your life. And when they flow away into another direction they take parts of you with them and you of theirs. Iv been an open vent, a pouring stream for 3 months, never gaining, constantly giving. I near dried up last week. I was all but on the verge. It was hell, i cracked, i admit it. But 'like a breathe of fresh air.' When every turning point in your life is based on awful timing and nothing working its your worst pitfalls that lead to the stars. The staircase hidden in the pit. Sacatious. Sequoiais. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two turqouis pipes, both half crescents, stolen. Fixated endings, twist ties, expunged. You know, thinking isnt so much a battle as a presence. It PRESENts itself to you, to your intuition. PREpare yourself. JASON SHUT THE FUCK UP. "You know chris, we have a fucking guardian angel watching over us." Gelosi after we nearly were killed after running a red light on 6-11. Angels always return eventually. Angels always fly somewhere. Ikarus Flies. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I will kill you so many times over, J" "Yeah, well then catch me bitch" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is it, i really cant stand to write anymore. Someone love me, this is my last outcry. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I wish you would. I really do. But you were condescending and i was understanding. You always had a compliment, too bad it wasnt permanent. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dont start holding back now, its not the time to be this way. PLEASE, for god's sake just lie to me for once. I wish you would lie to me better, i wish i was just stupid enough to swallow every fucking spoonful of it. Let it choke me going down, let your smile be it. Let your smile be the remainder. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We were just looking for some voltage... chasing the electricity. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We can return for awhile, im in no hurry. Sleeping soundly in the back of the car, i felt more alive than id ever have thought. And through the evening the engine kept on while we let our minds race alongside the fenders. As i look at the faces tonite i recognize that this is the end. Cause your always on time, cause we're always on time. Ill close my eyes and move along, we had to stop eventually, we had to stop somewhere. (Death Cab for Cutie - Little Fury Bugs). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Brace yourself, im bound with bitterness. This sarcastic point of view. I thought you knew, you kept me entertained while i kept you detained. Tracing the lines along the platform. We can run this rail all nite long. I got no stops to make. Rest your head on my shoulder, ill keep you close while you wander off. Scanning the sidewalks for passer bys. I recognize you, sir. Yeah, we knew eachother once. This is what iv grown into, sorry to dissapoint. I got a ticket to this ride, im sure we'll be seeing eachother again. Are you the person that will wave, theres always one. Thanks for being the person that waves when i leave. Rubbing these kisses off of your dress. This aint workin out. I got a packet of smokes bound for on-coming traffic. I GOT LEFT THERE TOO. (Death Cab For Cutie - I Was a Kaleidoscope). Im done discussing these casual conversations. Swept up in pockets trying to just remember your name. I watched from the window as you ran down the line. You didnt wave, no, you werent supposed to. You werent the one, you werent the one. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These nights are an accumulation of inspired moments. Urging myself on so that i dont just skin my hands with my aching nails. NAIL. No, constantly over flooding myself so that i cant breathe, because air is agony. If i just keep my head below water for another few minutes i can cloud over and forget. Its about destroying your subconscious before it gets the best of you. I cant let myself think for too long... or else this happens. JURY AND JUDGE WERE SCREAMING, "TO HELL!" Sterile, nice and happy homes. Peter pancake and Susie sausage. How i despise. im disgusting... im disgusting. Im an ass hole. Does it make you smile when you think of me dying? It makes me smile. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So i sip. Slowly, but without savor. Its not that i care what im drinking, but the fact that im drinking. Specifics dont matter to me anymore, its impulse. AND BLAME. You see, i heard this proverb, "The straw is useless unless emerged in the cup." And i guess i pulled meaning out of it because it made me smile. Drinking chapagne from a paper cup is never quite the same. Liquid, my mind feels like liquid these late nites. Waiting around for you, but you never come. No, never come. I think im drunk enough to drive you home now (Death Cab For Cutie - Champagne from a Paper Cup, Fake Frowns). Let these conversations run wild, on and on, on and on, on and on. Theres no limit to the very wisdom of us. US. I cant use that word anymore. Because there is just I. Thats really fucking sad that even in estranged writing i cant reference to myself as part of a pairing, coupling, grouping, gathering, arrangement, secondary position. Im singular. I WANT TO BE PLURAL. Keep it straight, dont rush to be hanged. This is a slow moving process, many steps, atleast 12. Yeah,a nice 12 step program. I CANT DRIVE STRAIGHT! Take the wheel, i think i need to close my eyes. And when i close my eyes, this is what i see. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please do... please do. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Too much drama. Im not satisfied with my evening. Its not often, i tend to be. Hmmm... hold on a second. I dont know. Im not satisfied with my evening, so iv gone out further to walk. Iv decided i agree with the lyrical interpretation of love, that it is another word for pain. But in other instances, its the greatest truth you would ever learn. I was tired of it. They are on the ground now. Perfectly useless and useful. Im not sure, but i think in a manner that im out of things to say. I grow too attached or too detached from people. I distance myself and blame them for things they have no control over or aren't even conscious of. Its unfair, unjust, and just plain stupid. But iv always been a hypocrite, asides from my forte in paranoia i think going back on every stupid thing iv said is my other. Yeah, people in general. Yeah, me in general. Im not sure where any of this is going, and i feel bad in essence for writing whatever i did. Its been broken between thoughts. Im a recluse. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- IM NEVER COMING BACK IM NEVER COMING BACK IM HOME. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sorry i keep on this topic of love and such, but i just need to keep it out, get it out, whatever. What would you say if i asked you not to go, to forget everyone, forget everything and start over with me. SEE THIS BROKEN HEART AND MAKE IT RIGHT. Iv really never felt like this, its really just beyond anything iv ever gone through. I dont know what it is about, but its constantly spinning more and more crazily out of control. Everyday it hits harder, bites deeper, just really really fucks me up. ANd i think its making me harsher, and that im snapping faster and just being mean to people. I dont know what the hell is wrong with me. I just feel myself taking notice more and more of just being alone and unwanted when i know thats not really what it is. But what if it is, im just fooling myself. I FEEL LIKE IV LOST EVERYTHING. You're not making this easy. Promise me youll never let go. I need comfort. I need comfort. I need warm arms and soft breath. I need comfort. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dont let your past dictate your future, dont let it be more than a passing reflection. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You'll never be the one to say, please. Please don't go. My heart is so torn and my stomach is so knotted. Its been so tightly turned and tyed that its tearing. Im so fucking afraid of everything and im tired, and lost, and scared. And spending nite after nite alone is killing me. This is beyond simple casualness, this isn't a playful speal to try to gain sympathy or some pity fuck. This is really worrying the shit out of me. I realized that im old enough to view my life as not just a trial and error. That when i need to begin making things count, that that when is now. That my life, since i correlate myself so much upon movies and songs, isnt just some child watching this go on. But i myself am at such a vantage as to be the main characters. The heartbroken, the sorrowed, the lifted, the loved. That no longer, wait. What i mean is, that im older now, and its not just some schoolyard shit anymore. That this is life. That i could fall in love for good and marry. That its not about some girl of the week or month, that this is about life long commitement. It doesnt have to be, but its about more than moments, its about love. Love... yeah. It sounds so nice, honestly. Just saying, typing, the word out is so fucking BEAUTIFUL to me. Yeah, i guess im just being overly dramatic. I dont think ill end up alone? Just right now i am, and as much as that really really sucks, i just have to suck it up and chock it to experience. Build up hopes and plans for when i do fall in love. Search myself more so i can open myself up further to that one person. I promise ill love you deeply, i promise ill love you. Shit, yeah well. It was worth a shot. Enjoui the rest of your day. Sincerely, Enjoui. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I guess i really do feel inspired by these empty words, promises. But i hate the word empty, id say more so unkempt. Not purposefully, but brushingly so. Im worried, i can feel it deep in my stomach. Im sitting in my room, listening to CATA go by, listening to lot 80 empty itself to the street. Dont you understand, dont we all understand? "Do you ever feel so lonely at nite that you just cry to God, isnt there more than this." "Yeah, every night." "Yeah, me too." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's this uncertainty, no really, im not sure. "of anything you take pride in?" Yeah, im just not sure. But im not worried about it, im just going to go to sleep and hope that when i wake up this is all better. Yeah, that this is all better. Because honestly, i cant remember. These things change. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This all seems too late, but for the better. Yeah, maybe its all for the better. To love, oh to love. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Now let's not get oureselves too worked up guys, i mean hey, it's just a car." Yeah, Pete could be a real ass about thing when they didn't apply to him. "I know it's just a fucking car, but it's MY car." He could tell i was pissed, so he stopped trying to shove his compassionate sympathetic shit down my throat. "Alright man, alright. Im sorry." Yeah...yeah he had better be. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tramatized (1:55:16 AM): why love and not just live for the moment? Jemini215 (1:55:33 AM): bc i have much more to offer than just a moment ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Taking a brief break before i go about my work for the nite. Iv decided to scrap my fiction piece and begin entirely anew. Im going to open with a letter from... someone, and see where it goes from there. Im not sure, but im looking forward to it. YAY writing. Or wirting. However you want to put it. Aight. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I need to get down to business. Fook. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Take my hand, and never let me go. Take my hand, and never let me go. Promise me you'll never let go. (The Getaway - Promise). Your not making this easy. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tramatized (2:34:29 AM): delicious, i will save the rest for later Tramatized (2:34:54 AM): so why is it that those who really are able to involve themselves in their feelings and understand their connections get fucked? Jemini215 (2:35:12 AM): bc they jump to conclusions Tramatized (2:35:16 AM): to switch to a more lighthearted bitchy phase Jemini215 (2:35:23 AM): bc they do understand them and are eager to use them Tramatized (2:35:24 AM): mmm... Jemini215 (2:35:35 AM): and get frustrated when they cant Tramatized (2:35:39 AM): fuck, you know, thats more intelligent and true than anything iv heard yet ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I gave up yesterday, you're too late. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I remember when, we were young. Honesty, thats all. Will i see, this seperation. No more, this cant be. Its gone. Understand, and don't hate her. Feelings change, im sorry, no strength in me. Honesty is all, we make mistakes i know, i cant. We all done. (Rufio - Don't Hate Me). Understand, and dont hate. Im sorry, im sorry. So please dont hate me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just walk. And with this hand. Just walk. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- No one ever plans for their future to be dark. I mean, yeah, sometimes i look forward to a sparce reality, but one that i will enjoy. Being homeless or poor sound exciting, something i can use to build from "When" i become famous/rich. So it always ends up with my being successful eventually. Yeah. And when your going through somethign tumultous you almost savor the feelings of entrapment and loss. Like a lesson that you can springboard from. Only what if that springboard snaps and you just keep flailing? Never really considered that. Just thought i could live, move on in time and be alright... in time. But im not alright. Really, im not. This sucks, i guess there is just no pretending anymore. Smiles on children, we want to make a good impression. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And with this hand. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Im not depressed, im just upset with the current censor of things. And im not lonely in the sense of no one to hang out with, im lonely in the sense of no one to share myself with (physcially essentially). And this doesnt mean sex, and this doesnt mean shit like that. Not SEXUAL, INTIMATE. Just like a child cares for its mother to hold it or a friendly hug. Just i want it to be more than friendly, i want it to be compassionate, endearing, loving, caring, deep, and full of feeling. Feeling of acknowledgement and understanding. I want to not be hugged, but HELD. I want to be held and not say anything and not let go for hours. I need this. I need this. Its levels of such deep pyschological numbness that you realize how great past moments were. Like they say, the sweet with the bitter. So on one end of the scale you can more positively view the other end. When i was with Lindsey, i was more happy then iv been since. No offense to any of my friends, you'r great, just its not the same. In times before i was with lindsey it was never as good. Being with lindsey was the best thing that has EVER EVER EVER FUCKING happened to me. I LOVE HER. I love her so god damn much. And i miss her like hell, her, the way she was and we were. I miss us. I miss holding her, falling asleep with her, everything about her. I always told her that she was perfect in every way and that there was nothing i didnt adore or want to change of her. And everytime she changed something or added or built or opinionated i loved it even more. Her constantly evolving life was more than i could take in. And in the end destroyed this. I destroyed... i miss, i endear. I dont know what else to say. Its so far gone in my everything that i really dont know if i could ever talk to her again, or see her again. When i imagine seeing her i imagine myself screaming "NO NO NO" and running away. I dont know why, i just cant take it. I cant take anything related to her anymore. Writing this right now is destroying my intestinal lining. Iv had really bad stomach problems these past days. My stomach is pissed off, my nerves are fucked, and i hate everything about the moments when im alone. Physically alone. I REALLY FUCKING NEED SOME HELP HERE. Im desperate, honest i am. Some one just fucking care for me. I really am looking forward to seeing my mom, i want her to hold me, i cant ever remember feeling like this. So alone, desperate, upheaved and defeated. I hadnt cried in years, like since i was 8, until lindsey left me. And even then it was staggered and painful. But now i feel i could cry openly if i didnt stop myself. Why now, why this? What has changed that has made me crumble inside? Its monday, the 24. Happy Birthday Lindsey. Please dont contact me, i cant take it, am not ready for it, just dont want it. I dont know why, but really... i just cant. Yeah, crazy how our birthdays are just a day apart. We had lots of little special things like that... lots of them. It was special, more special than i ever imagined. My birthday is tomorrow. I want love... for my birthday i want to be held. I want to hold someone in my arms and feel something deep deep deep fucking down. But i know this is impossible, so ill pray the day passes quickly and i can go home. For my birthday, i want distraction. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And it strangles you until you realize, hey... here is where passion is breed. Here is where you are allowed to form yourself without passing or betrayal. Here you are giving free reign to move about, and here it is in the masses that you can go unnoticed and flourish your own flower. So among the trees the flowers can penetrate and become the bright pasteled leaflets they want. Here, we grow. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Im trying to bite this back. I understand. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Flux compasitor. See, in Back to the Future they realized the key to the future... and past, is the flux compasitor. It all is based on "Fluctuations." Constant change, give, gain, etc. This is so right. See, no matter how high i can get, there are greater lows. Im not even on drugs yet i feel like im constantly experiencing the repercussions of being. Sucks. See, to truly live you, well i dont know. I just know that you can change your feelings so quickly. I was near tears and then i understood my tears and felt guilty for them. I was was near utter fulfillment and then i understood my regardless nature and just lost it. I understood. Wait, no, this isnt right. Maybe then you'll understand what its like to be alone. Maybe then we'll understand. Abstract. Well, in short, i guess thats all there really is. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I guess im ready, i have the chalk in my hand for my outline. Iv already finished stenciling my right arm, my right side, my right hip. Cold white. Cold. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I WANT TO HATE I WANT TO HATE I WANT TO HATE I WANT TO HATE I WANT TO HATE I WANT TO HATE I WANT TO HATE. Tired of being so "nice". ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Crazy dreams last nite. Dreamt i was eating "Rochette" and it was this strange flan like material with a chocolate topping. It looked like a small pinkish mushroom, but i really like it. Woke up. Dreamt i was getting contacts put in, but they were these weird fish eye like contacts. And my sister was explaining to me how to put them in. So she instructed me to put this thick pink gel solution on it to make it "easier" to get in. It was sick. And then the kicker, instead of putting them on my eyes i put them on my teeth. I had this whole diagram for which teeth they went on and i had like 12 contact fish lenses. I thought all of this was perfectly normal. And they hurt like braces putting them in, it was so fucking weird. When i woke up i realized that contacts go in my eyes, not my teeth. But while asleep it all seemed perfectly fine. Woke up. Dreamt i was lying with this really hot chick. And we were inside, but for some reason the ceiling showed the stars and the moon. And there were people walking around us, i think they were her brothers, it felt they were atleast. Then this weird red thing that looked like a mangled ball of yarn crawled across the sky and past the moon. And all the guys were yelling and chasing it. And it kept coming back and around like every 40 seconds, somehow. So then the girl starts kissing me and i try to stop her but then it just feels right so i keep kissing her. Woke up. Wish i didnt. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We're certainly not afraid of the dark. No, certainly. Essential. And beyond. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Speak slowly, my heart is learning. Still teaching, patience growing. At your finger tips, let me distance myself another few inches. Maybe you'll forget im there and let me slide. Essential. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Getting myself suitable, if youv got a quarter. Boring through this one. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Maybe people just dont have anything that theyr afraid to say. Which is awful, but maybe. My name is Robin, and im entirely not uncomfortable with my ass. Alright mister, are you willing to calm down now? So its all about comfort. Getting reaquainted with an old friend, or a new one. Finding something deeper with in. I went skating tonite, got reaquainted with a new version of an old friend. Now im just sort of worked out. I stretched my mind a lot, so i guess thats good. ALl over now, finite. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Im careful but not sure how it goes. You can lose yourself in your courage. When the time we have now ends, where does it all go? Where does it all go? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- KICK THIS HIGH KEEP MOVING HIGH. Rejects, moving on. WHEN ITS GONE ITS GONE> Turn and use this, turn and know thisat IT IS GONE. Return, to the vacancy you once knew. Become your downs, live in your question, ITS IN YOUR QUESTION SO FALL TO THE PAVEMENT> Its all your best days carried to just one, its when you stop learning, its when you want to learn the reasons. STOP LIGHT STAR LIGHT. STAR LIGHT STOP LIGHT. Cant depend on honest answers from dependetn hands. WOnt accept an honest answer from an open hand. Save the world tonite, save the world ANOTHER HEART. SAVE THE WORLD FROM ANOTHER HEART THAT HAS BECOME LITTLE MORE THAN HONESTY. (Jimmy Eat World - Call it In The Air) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The first star i see, may not be. Cant do anything but wait, wait for this star. Holding the sky. There were times when we clung to time. When we never could decide if we were ready, careful and unsure. We lost ourselves and our courage. But the time has come to be now. And these moments have caused us to all drown. (Jimmy Eat World - For Me This is Heaven) Cant you still feel the faint goodbyes or those final nites. Its those moments of comfort that we knew it would all be wrong. When our plans, and what we said, just went through us. If i dont LET MYSELF BE HAPPY, IF NOT NOW, THEN WHEN! Learn that with time the hands go round, cant your still feel the faint goodbyes of those final good nites. Taking it down low, bundled tight. Turn back these hands and say them one more nite. The last star i see, is more than just a star. Cant do anything but wait, wait for this star to come to me. I close my eyes as you leave, where ever you are i carry this shining with me. And when the big hand goes round i will still feel those last good byes. As... as the stars burn out. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Faintest trace of falling. FALLING! DOWN! Hands sighing to your face, waving hello, so numb from cold. Turn to be closer, closer to the distance. In a moment this is all there is. Simple discourse breaks you clean, simple discourse breaks you clean in half (Jimmy Eat World - Crush). Look on, but there is not a moment more, then youll know that this is all thats left again. AGAIN. Like a breath...like a breath. LIKE A BREATH LIKE A LIKE. Scream your ranglings forever into like, yeah, no more holding back. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To make sense of it, make it last. (Jimmy Eat World - Table for Glasses). Relax chris, fucking relax. Breathe boy, breathe. Rid this scattered scorn from my side. To go with dirty tracks. This is not for me, lead my scattered scorn/side to the table and the glass. Ill dine tonite, but tonite only. After this im going to be moving on. It happens so fucking fast, too fast to make any sense of it. RELAXATION! inside... inside. Not asking for the most, not asking for the world, just wishing to subside this, subside this all for now. If i should know. If i should kill. No, just RELAX, just watch the fireworks. (Watch the fireworks). Here, you can be anything... anything that scares you. I think that scares you. Here, we've both been here before, but never by myself. Im by myself. I promise id be here again, i promised id meet you here now. I promised id see it again, i promised id see this with you now. HERE is what scares you. HERE there is only air. HERE there is only us. HERE there is only just enough space to hold these broken bodies. HERE there is just us. I promised id come back here. I promised id be here with you now. SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT SHOT IT OUT LOUD. What else can i do but promise, its all over. What else can i know. This is all i know. Here, here alone in this promise. But i promise. I. Promise. Just so i can give you a better nite to relax in. HERE, is just another hallway. Here, is just another excuse to stay. HERE, is just where i am. Here, is just where i am. I promised id see you again, i promised id see this with you now. Holding too close, unwraveling. I shook myself too hard, im shedding, unwraveling, molting. Too thin, too much.. too hard. LIES. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sorry im late, i was out spoiling my liver. YOUR FUCKING BEAUTIFUL! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK this all. Fucking hate tonite, fucking hate fucking tonite. I cant even begin to vent, i have no reasons or particulars, just feeling like SCREAMING! Where the fuck is my support, my caring arms, my hope for the new day. I DONT HAVE FUCKING SHIT. I hate this, i am a man without his chain of islands, iv isolated myself to such an extent that i have no support lean-to system. No one gives a shit, no one gives a fucking shit at all. GOD DAMN IT! I just need some fucking care. Someone to show some compassion and ask me if ill be ok and not care that my answer will of course be a resentful lie, but theyll pat me on the back, and hold me, and bring me hot chocolate, and be nice to me. I need someone to fucking hold me, everyone needs to be loved. We are human and we need to be loved. Iv gone without love for so fucking long now, its really taking its toll on me. Im just dragging myself agaisnt the grain constantly, i really cant take it much longer. I need a change, i need someone to fucking give a shit about me. I hate this, i really need someone. Yes, im weak, i need to rely on someone else to make me feel better, im tired of being alone and scared and paranoid. Im hurt and im scared. I hate this so fucking much. I HATE EVERYTHING THAT IS LINKED TO THESE GOD DAMN EMOTIONS BECAUSE THEY ARE DRIVING ME TO THIS POINT! I fucking want nothign to do with it because without them i will be ok. feeling is a curse god only gave to a few animals, but why the fuck? Why should otters or whales need to mourn their dead, or elephants? Why should female monkeys carry around the bodies of their dead babies months into decomposition. What does it benefit them to feel bad. Most all animals are ruthless, killing and living, thats it. They dont need emotions, it makes them weaker. EMOTIONS MAKE ME SO FUCKING WEAK. Im tired of this, i need a woman to fucking love me, i need intimacy and care. LOVE. Oh god please say there is still LOVE for me. My heart really needs it, i really need it, i feel so sick. SICK. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please tell me something more. Just one more god damn second. Ill wait until tomorrow, maybe youll feel better than, maybe we'll be better than. So quiet, another wasted nite. Exhale. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When i think war, i think camo, when i think camo i think fashion baby, yes. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I had an entry here... but my server fucked up. It was good, honestly, it was good. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This will be of service to keeping you away. Remorse? Yes, theres regret in every action. But its the motion. Fuck, going to go get some stuff. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The key is to be happy they are making fun of you. Take it as a compliment, "hey, look. Im being noticed as opposed to the thousands of students who walk through these motions daily and are never paid attention to." No one should ever feel the way that i feel now. I mean, comments like, "Hey freak, nice jacket." Are just as supportive as, "Hey man, thats a bad ass jacket." And this is about as social as i get now. Hmmm... so maybe everyone here really does like me? Thats awesome. See the silver lining in every day, its just another wonderfully rainy day up here in Happy FUCKING Valley. The jokes on me. (Dashboard - Saints and Sailors). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If its cold where your going i hope that your heart's always warm. I gave you the best, i gave you the best that i had. (Dashboard - Age Six Racer, Bitter Pill). If hating this nite is all i have to do to end it then please, end it now. Walking away, its not the same as running, is it. This medicine is just what you deserve. SWALLOW CHOKE AND DIE. The bottle is waiting, the CAP is TWISTED BEGGING TO BE USED... and so are you.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tonite is only temporary. Everything is temporary. I dont mean this in a cynical dark way... just no one lives forever. No one remembers "EVERYTHING" for ever. Nothing is held onto For Ever. Nothing is permanent, nothing. Pain is only temporary, so is happiness. So dont fucking worry, because no matter how bad anything is it will always pass, always. And no matter how good anything is, it will always pass. Just hold onto it for as long as you can. I dont mean it in a "fuck you with your happiness, youll be sorry soon." I mean it as no one can be one way forever, you have to learn to grow and change together, you cant remain in one position for ever. Its about compromise and promise. ALWAYS, ALWAYS FUCKING FOLLOW THROUGH. PROMISE. HOPE. Hold onto every moment, buy a fucking disposable camera and carry it with you, capture every moment you can, never let go. We are only temporary, so be known while you're here. Be heard. Be seen. Be loved. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If its more than that its more than i can take. Im listening to dashboard again, such a pathetic nite. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tonite i brought these new confessions to their first breath. I thought it seemed right, that this time was finally right. Dont sit trying to wait while you choose the words to let me down. If your knife could dull itself any sharper your words would be no less blunt. I find comfort in the way your eyes cry while they laugh. Those fucking eyes i used to stare at in pictures for hours. The pictures dont show the looks you gave when you werent staring at me. Those pictures that iv buried in my desk. Those pictures that iv buried deep. Its a pointless sonnet, i have no partner to respond. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Who do you think your messing with girl? What do you think your trying to do? Do you really think i want to be left out girl? Who do you think your trying to fool? (White Stripes - I can't Wait). Im not so blind, its gonna be different this time. Iv made up my mind, gonna see past all these fucking lies. Wouldv thought id'v gotten used to this, fucking house has got to go. Who do you think your messing with girl? What do you think your trying to do? Do you really think i want to be left out girl? Who do you think your trying to fool? You certainly took your goddamn time, took precautions to fuck with my mind. Brought out the blinders and made me think that this fucking wolf in sheeps clothing was really for keeps. Who do i think im trying to fool. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Will you be the one to break? I want to write poetry. Fuck, scanning my mind for some inspiration, just need a handful of words. I have a fucking block in my head and my stomach doesnt feel good. ALl i want to do today is sit outside and watch people. Thats not too much to ask. Alright, gonna go do it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Intimate i said. Not sexual. Anxiety i said. Not hatred. Dreaming i said. Not contentment. Today was a day to break through to another level. But i pushed it back, maybe next week. "I hate him because hes one of those creative genuis' who always has something new and amazing on their minds and THEY FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT." I wish i could just follow through. Follow something. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Being Grown Up Isn't Half As Fun As Growing Up. These Are The Best Days Of Our Lives. The Only Thing That Matters Is Just Following Your Heart, And Eventually You'll Finally Get It Right. (Ataris - In This Diary)---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tore down this poster. Sad, wonderfully sad. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Deception, Redemption, its all that i can do not to care. (The Getaway - Ex Marks the Spot). Maybe love is another word for pain. TATE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What we become depends on what we believe now. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- War huh? Neat. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Constantly staring at your name. Need to tear this down, motion above. No, tonite is cleanse. Ok, tonite is. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You can assert control, you arent GOD. So shut the fuck up and swallow. Im tired of feeling flailed. Unweighted and for the birds. I have no ties and need to anchor myself to something. Obsession is a killer. You didnt know it but im a killer too. Atleast we have something to talk about now. Common interests and common desparity. Im cool if your choice. Tack and tail, pulley and counter. I got some growing to do. Hard to break the crust when its frozen over. No sun out tonite, Nope... No sun out tonite. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You better be standing. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Teenage Ambiguity. Last nite i realized that i wasnt as comfortable as i thought i was. That my so created world is little more than match sticks and that my confidence is a flaw of ignorance. Its all becoming more apparent that strength comes less and less from within, that i exist to simply wish to exist further. Im just wishing and planning more. Active leadership, role models. I need to make this count. Im not the man i used to be, IM NOT THE BOY I USED TO BE. Im A Real BOY. Its not the time for match sticks and make believe. I need deterant. Been rocked by the waves and sailed forth, but i need to FUCKING CAPSIZE. if growth is to compensate you need to clear it all. I need to get BURNED DOWN. nooo... not tonite, not tonite at all. Distraction, dissention. Dont worry, its all a facade. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- AND REST ASSURED IM MOVING ON. I MISS YOU LESS WITH EACH DAY YOUR GONE! (Matchbook Romance - The Greatest Fall) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Intense renewal of hatred. Off set, mismdemeanor cause. Dont dwell, hand motions me away. Right click, another word, FUCK, (Matchbook Romance - Friends Become Enemies, Hollywood & Vine, Save Yourself). I dont want to come across as a joke, i want to be appreciated, respected. ENdeAred. I saw everything. My eyes are caked in fearsome revelance. I think of this all day long, i dont know if this is more than i can take. Yeah, this is how friends become enemies. Im not too sure, relinquishing my intake must always redirect my proposition somewhere. Gun shots ambulances BLARING down the street. I wave, hello hello, IM A HITCH HIKER. Speedy retreat, FLASH FLASH, guess this will go on longer than i expected. Im never coming back. Im never coming back, im home. Im home, been away for so damn long. Give me a hug, say its good to see me. Everything was so blinding, clear to see. Transcient, im never coming back to this home. Wish world takers. Pretty prospects, have a better idea? Nay, shot me in the back. It shouldv never come to this. Stripped of my PRIDE and LEFT FOR DEAD. Im never returning, never to take this abuse once more further. Its not even a question, ethics. The one i turn to look from is you, LEFT FOR DEAD. IM SO TIRED OF MAKING THIS WORK AND WHAT THIS HAS BECOME. I tried to forgive this for what this could. But what this could is endearing. Im endearing. Dear, oh dearie me. Cept create an alternative. This is the broadest bridge. It will take fucking forever to burn and sweep away. Iv got time, iv got all the fucking world to play with. One big ball of set aside terminology, dont worry. This time is the last time i take this from. I found my place, and this place is far away, Im Never Coming Back. Im Home. So blinded by sight, but see. Im So Much For The Better. Yes, there. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I wish for sensuality. Nipping, close fitting fighting tease. Hands tied by knotting fingers and shh shh's. I know your not worrying, but dont fear. Helping ourselves to time. Silkscreened pajamas bunched around your left ankle. Right leg crossed across my hips. Kissing, always kissing. No need to watch our hands, we understand eachothers bodies. Eyes opening and closing, peeking glances. "I want you." Murmured stirs, biding on our commitement. Not quite panting, but the blood is making me warm. Biting, twisting, grazing my fingers along the carve of your side. Raising your arm above your head and feeling the grace of its gentle skin. Small muscles, toned and quieted. Caught my eye, both peeking. Tuck your chin towards your chest, look up at me, nodding. I press in closer. "I want you." Kissing, always kissing. Printed t-shirts at the foot of the bed, clothing becoming padding for our stay. I have no place to be, do you. "I want you." Kissing, always kissing. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Its amusing when someone is an asshole. When someone treats someone like shit we like to laugh at it. When someone is so FUCKING blatantly mean to someone we find it so overwhelmingly amusing that we LOVE to jump in and as well verbally kick the shit out of that person. Because we as people are SO FUCKING NICE. And nothing SCREAMS nice like tormenting the SHIT OUT OF SOMEBODY for no better reason than appearance. Because since you have a group of friends with you and they are only one person it is perfectly ok to GO AFTER THEM because they are one (different) and you are many (the same). So its just an INVITE. Yes, its funny, lets go fucking PICK ON EVERYBODY we can. Because ITS FUN. Go fucking kill yourself, then ill laugh. Honest, because im an asshole too. And watching you pull that fucking trigger i think would be amusing as hell. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I should warn you, im a killer. Iv seen better days, when i need time to reflect i take the knife to my chest and open myself to the notion of another second trailing. Here, this is where i hide them away. Like old letters folded in a drawer, i like to lay them out and touch them. Their tangible edges in a way allow me to reconnect with those moments. When i was happy. But memories arent anything you can live in, they are fake, like some one elses photographs. Looking at them doesnt make them any more real for you then for anyone. Colored ink on a page. Refold, retuck, resew. Im not sure. I chew like a cow. Curious. Chocolate. Contagious. The reason why women are so attracted to artists, musicians, etc. is the need for the mysterious, unknown, depth. Its in these folds that we find thrill, anxiety, emotion. We live in a beautiful world... yeah we do yeah we do. The reason why chocolate is so delicious is because its a close relative of cocaine, and its known to be an aphrodisiac, and its fucking delicious. The reason why it's contagious is because it can replicate a reverse DNA faction and infect in minutes. Oh, all that i know, theres nothing left to run from. Cause here, everybody here's got somebody to lean on. The pipe organ makes its grand entrance. Bow your heads, i will begin the sermon. Church estate, prime property going going going GONE. Aristocratic behavior. Swiftly come and go, emotions are high, the nights are long, and shes out with other guys. Im not going to make this obvious, i know you know what it feels. Ill find someone new as i swing through this backdrop once again. Casting aside glances, wishing to bend to a new design. Hmmm... dont feel like writing right now, need more chocolate. Cant you find another way to carry on, bury me, carry me. BURY ME CARRY ME. Crushed velvet. Dont worry. No worries. HAHA. (Cold Play - Don't Panic. The All AMerican Rejects - Too Far Gone, Swing Swing Swing). ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (To Understand Play: The All American Rejects - One More Sad Song) One more entry for the ages. Sing along. Sing bluntly and diligently. One more, one girl. Two hearts, time goes by, secrets lie. Closing tightly, what can i do, i can not breath. Alone with you, alone with me. Slip me another tequila, would you baby? Please please please PLEASE STAY! Thats only the hardest thing you could ever ask me to do. Alone with, alone with. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quiet dissention. Prevalent answer base. Horrific ends; stylish embargo's. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Im sure you can manage, falling. Tumbled tides crashing. Blue indigo swetzled flakes of bright. Rushing, sets of hands. "Going Down." Dim swells in distance. Build up constant repetition. Strange glows, do dark? Seamless transparency. "I was scared, ok?" humming sweetly danced air. Mind rolling gentle lefts, embrace space. Terminal velocity inapparent, constant drifts. Saga sedated, worries suppressive. Gentle glide, dragless hurdles. Trained collapse, wall-less imprisonment introductory. Bottom out damned. Discovery reckless cues; talk now. TALK. --- --- --- We all know. We read it in the news this morning. Dont worry, we wont tell, coming without going. I made statements cheer. Offer. Evasiveness. Prone. Paranoid. Coupled strangling circuference, nail in my coffin. nail in my heart. Pounding dissentia, blindly bantering. Dont try anything dramatic. Im exempt obseletion. Gel-ed into the void, finding harmony in new shapes. One loop through, "hamburgers are ready." i do anything. She saved me, you tried to kill me. I guess youd better get out of the house then. No, i mean you tried to kill her. Er nicht dri. Almost over. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Comfy Cozy. Stubble situated. Corrective lenses. Beach Blanket Bingo. Salty tears, kiss. Salty taste. Dancing hard. Dancing grind up in. TIght, squeeze, fast, pant breathe pant. Hands, pulsation through the hips. Bone to bone, hype. Hot, salt sweat battered matted. Hair coarse, dull. Flashing, close nite life. Collapsed. Intertwined, captured, grasped in handfuls. Wishing to be alone in the crowd. No one watching, every listening. Grind, pulse, motion. Flash, carve, flow, body. Flash, carve, flow, body, TOUCH. Hot, salty necks pressed to bottom lips, staggered intake. Lower teeth cutting high, biting at coarse warm air. Holding not hands, hands everywhere. Holding thighs, inners pressed to jeans. Dense, thick, pressure. Heavy, tired, shallow... gasp. Panting salty necks, rusty hair in eyes. Pressing against, pressing up. Move. Move. Move. LIVE. Whisper, scream sounds. Heads, hands, up. Blink adjustment, come on come in. Faster, speed intensity. Too intense, not too hard. I want you to come in, i want to know. Brunette, blonde streaks, red eyes. Pressure, press. staring, banging back gaping at. Sweaty sound, red flicking. Strobed recollection, nite day second. Pearled to flesh, biting sound. This is what they call sensation, livid sex. Beat driven crave, flash carve flow body touch. Born at midnite, reborn in motion. Cradle me pulsating basonette. Sheathed cloaked wild nite brightness; cowl of heat. teethed flourescent tile; suckled damp skin. Born to move, tight cleansed heat. Flawless worries careless spree non judicious. Dont hold back in outside is out nix. Here,now,motion. LIVE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ikarus Prevails. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I like my legs. Not particurally the appearance or appeal of them, but simply the fact that i have them. I mean, walking is so nice. Being able to move my body by my own accord at my own pace. Its something that without i dont know how i would survive. Though i pretty certain that at one point i said i would give up my legs in order to keep my tongue. Or maybe it was my vision? I dont know, but i like tasting things, but i think i would keep my legs over my taste. And i think i would keep my vision over my legs. Wheelchairs are really fun, but only for a short time. Then i would like to get up out of them and walk around a little bit. When my family went to Disney world over winter break we brought my Grandma along. SHe is old and has knee trouble, but she walks fine. But since SO much walking is required for Disney we got her a wheelchair everyday to help her out. One nite my brother and sister and i took it for a little runabout when she and my mother were eating ice cream somewhere. We had a lot of fun. I pretended to be mentally handicapped and my brother would start screaming at me and hitting me and push me into crowds. We really scared a lot of families and had lots of dirty glances. One nite during the light festival we did it with my sister and a woman hit my brother for hitting her because she was so convincing. I know, this is really really awful, but we were bored and had a wheelchair. What else are you to do? I like my legs, yeah, i like wiggling my toes. I have really big toes, not big big, but long. I can grip very effectively with them, like tennis balls and shiet. MMMmmm, legs and toes. Neat. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As we drift up this case, we'll need to hold onto the rails, tear at the walls, and meet at the head. (stair). (se). (se). (of the stairs [top]). CRAWLING UP THESE STAIRS, GRABBING EVERYTHING THATS FALLING DOWN> WE RIP THE SHADES DOWN TO SEE THE SKY AND ALL ITS LIGHT. We're finding hope in life, your my dreams tonite. From here im falling. FUCK. ... I need something to write about, these last days have just been shitty shitty writing. I dont know, maybe im trying to hard? Maybe im falling into a habit? Maybe i think slinging words along in fragmented sentences with unintentional meanings and broken mispelled words is all i want to do anymore and iv found a key to it all somehow. When in fact im just restating constant fucking repetition. I need fire, heat, passion, intensity, something BRAND FUCKING NEW to drive me to be. Im out of HEAT. i have NEEDs. I have CARE'achacters of myself on these pages, i have HAND'icapped myself with a blind meaningless shit writers block that i cant move just yet, i have TRAP'ezed myself and FUCK IM STILL DOING IT> THESE ENDLESS FUCKING CYCLES. I need to vent, discuss, disertate, dimentiate, dialate, and dyslexiate. Closely covered in disguise, time again youll see. In Time Again. FUCK. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dont you find this astouding. Harmonius disillusion, well, not exactly. Look, im adopting that overseer narrative tone. Listen up, thats right, red flag black flag, waving furiously. Ill whisper softly to you if you would just shut the fuck up for one second. Here in this dream there is no need for dancing, love, candle-abra, sin, lust, beauty, torment, heaven, mischief, travel. Simply (yes, i use the word simple many times over in many different forms) music. Listen, ill whisper if youll listen. Wishp, Whisp, Wisp. You know ill take you there, tomorrow nite. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Constant reminders, pout openly. Shes a cryer they say. I MISS YOU LESS WITH EACH DAY YOUR GONE. Im a killer. Im a Read-A-Saurus. Dont worry, this black bag will conceal it all. Once youv suffocated all that is left is darkness. Color doesnt matter in darkness, simple Accept-Anticipation-Ance. Worrysome habits, your not part of the routine. Make up this end portion and SCREAM, its PERFECTLY ALRIGHT. Because tonite it doesnt need to make sense. Im taking in this suffocation with pride, sucking hard at the dark. Invite/.enveloping. Just try and figure me out now. JUST TRY AND FIGURE ME OUT. Last nite i slid into my new skin. Want to slip into something more comfortable? Like what? Like me. Shedding slightly. Growing intently. Balisking ... Portions or the sternum left unahinged to swing and exposure. watch it tick. Its slowing, isnt it? Im a killer. No worries, i live for things like this. I thrive in these environments. I work well under pressure. Im a survivalist. I cant figure out why you would .... i cant figure out why this all would. Welcome to my life, wipe your feet. Isnt that better? Lets go down to Canyon, late nite expressery. I know that its SAD but its all RIGHT. peppermint. glasses. fireworks. crush. A. factory. Lessons apealed. dont worry, 4 to go. 4 to go. LOST. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Its not alright, its out last nite together. I cant let go. Something original, searching for material. I turn my eyes towards this so called misery. Id walk atleast 20 feet to be next to your shadow. Embracing cold darkness is better than falling asleep alone tonite. I cant let go. Watching you pace relentlessly westward. Watching the sun set as i search for signs of recognition. I know you, do you know me? I cant let go. You turn, im at your side before you can scream. Please dont make this any harder, i love you. I cant let go. Holding your cold body next to mine means more than you could ever feel. Your heart is left for a need to be thrilled. I cant let go. Finally you look me in the eyes, the flickering of fade means more that any glare of rejection could ever be. You dont need to blink or say a word, iv taken care of it all. I cant let you go. Would you fight again if you had the chance? The alley so quiet, were you worried, i know i was. I cant let you go. I didnt know why, but when i asked myself i knew the answers. It was a glint of sharpness and an exasped surprise. I cant let you go. You finally saw me, and for the rest of your life you would never forget me. Gemtly ill lay you down besides me, dont worry, ill keep you warm till all your heat leaves you. I cant let you go. Dont worry, im a gentleman. I should have known that you were a killer. I cant let you go. You should have known. Dont worry, i wont tell. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I doubt it. Im just a killer. He says shes sorry. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The day past, good. Another 23...another nearly 24. Passing, pleasing, pestering, pantoring, panting, plantesssening, canteering, commandeering, coessenance, complatative, coessensence, oh baby she hit the cream cheese out of that one. Its the strength in knowledge/numbers/know it all numbness. This math isnt working, play with my head and fuck with the numbers. I especially liked that segment, maybe next time kids, come back tomorrow. Dont be pesterance, pestilence, make up the whole thing. Its the 2nd inning, im glad. Your either drunk or dead, im proud of you, number 4 for the nite. Dont worry, she loves you, shes only kidding. It really went well with the i love you stuff though. Dont feel the pain, fade away, walking out to where the bagbies and pikies dwell. Hold on, ill do a shot with you. You gotta do this shit right now, you gotta kick it in, you gotta step it up a notch. HAHA. FUCK. FOOK. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A fanfare for the ages. Wish it wasnt so. Break the glass, pull the lee-ver. Call the fire names. Its that nite for that thing, the sitting and the chandelier. Dont have a reason or a right. Its all for the fans. Dressing up, smirking pretty, stylishly deviled to be blazen. Play the xylophone, it isnt a real instrument. Play fight, dont wrestle. Play fuck, dont be peckish. We love you. Battle roy-yal, battle ship sunk. Battle of the sexes. Work it, play the game, dont just make it up. You know its a reason. You know just how stupid you are, lets all play nice. Battle. Rock'em Sock'em Robots. Dont make the grade, make the cents. HAHA. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And the stars that hang across the sky so perfectly, they remind me of the times we used to sit out on those summer nites and fall in love. Strike a match for romance, burn a bridge for friendship, hold a vigil for fallen lovers, make amends for torn acquaintences, wish the best for hopeful siblings, make believe with such intensity that no dream is too much. Hold on, hold tight, breath deep, its not alright. Its our last nite together. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I hope one day to smile in this face. Once upon a time i had flowers in my hands and rivers in my fingers. I was a spirit in growth. Atleast tell me, no more begging. Lets all be kings, share in your fantasy. Not yet today, not quite that hour. Hold on, i have another call. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hiding underneath these callused sheets. Its an escape. Arrest this man, i can not seem to find myself. Free samples. Ikarus Prevails. Always. PROMISE. I just thought, living like this, living like anyone. LIVING. Next plan to be unvelied shortly in the coming weeks. Always hanging up on loyalty, dont fret. Its all in the particulars. Wits ending and new begingings, entrance. En-Trance. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Understand, you dont hate her. A loved heart is lifted. Lite enough to float and carry others. A bandaged heart is torn. Leaking its own and being tainted by others on its way towards healing. A broken heart is a dead weight. Heavy enough to suffocate. Cause i dont want to be just a memory. I want to be a scar. Making impacts, slaying dragons.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Polio. Shit, there goes my heart. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- three blue, one white. 75 to 25. Inticing. Today chris, your going to make a difference. Im excited. Im tired. I really need a fucking nap. So what if that sounds childish, it does the heart good to relax itself once so while midday. Now hes drunk and looking to score. This ones got a brain, not drunken whore. Not like the ones hes used to, this ones older than 4. SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW HIM. Number 4 reason not to get drunk, "You don't need alcohol to have fun." Said ok little bitch, drunken fucking Knight. SUCK. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Extricate. Sticky Fingers. Cant leave anything behind. Make sure you know the grass is always greener. Im down to my last cigarrette, well... not really. I have like half a pack yet. But i quit, fucking hate smoking. I decided since i wasnt catholic i didnt have to respect lent. But it was for this reason that i decided instead of giving up something for lent i would take up smoking. But i really dont like smoking, so like most all lent observers im cutting short my "promise" and saying fuck it. Its better for my health anyways, smoking sucks. She falls asleep, captured. I think she may by narcoleptic. Fill the coffee pot, its that time. LIVE. LIVER. KIDNEY. FRANKS & BEANS. HAHA. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yeah. Cause im ridiculous like that. I set myself up. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I try. Dont be bashful. I accept. Dont be hasty. I promise. Dont be worried. I love. Dont be mad. I miss. Dont be lost. I . I. I... Im special. Dont be A BITCH. Dont be. Dont be. I. I AM. TO BE. BE ME. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hey hey hey. Now you listen to me. Hey hey hey. Don't worry, iv got a hand full of dry macaroni noodles and a dream, we are so taken care of. Cash. Yeah, that comes later. The genius of the plan right now is not thinking. So just relax. Take off your pants. Hang around, we're all just chillin, chillin... chillin. Delaware... Jersey soon to be. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Because Your Dead. Because Im struggling to breath every morning. Because these walls are getting smaller and i dont want to shrink with them. Because this corner isnt where i imagine the rest of my life. Because everynite's another story. Because the ink is still wet, and im prepared. Because i suffer and survive. Because i bleed and bleeding is my strength. Because when i weigh the options, its so clear. Because small plastic army men really do kick ass. When your finished with the surgery i really hope that you will turn to me and tell me all about the fun you had. Because a guitar that doesnt work above its 12th fret (on any string) really can bring people together. Because i got away. Because i ran away. Because i made it. Because i made it. Because we all made it. This is our never-ending story, all of ours. Be a part of mine, its sure to be a good ride. I promise. HOPE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tempered Steel. Temporary Solice. Tenative Silence. Tenacious . ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gorgeously Simplistic. Im at a home away from home. Amazing how these things creep up on you. Spent the nite in Delaware. Fucking love it here. No offense PS. FU, but you suck. Everyone here is so fucking friendly and open and just fun. THEY GET ALONG! Why cant i have this at PS. FU? I dont know, but i feel so uninhibited here. Like i already know these people. Everyone on Gelosi's floor is funny as shit and so friendly. I walked around in a full body fishing suit with a gas mask on, it was just a good time. They even have a better downtown then we do. And our campus is like 8 times the size of theirs. Just throw, just throw. LIVE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Today is the 13th. It isn't friday, it's thursday. Yet i have worries. See, it's the 13TH. I saw it coming, come, and pass. Yet i said nothing, did nothing, was nothing, were nowhere. And now it kills me. I missed it. Shoul i feel this way? Was that the reason for the dream? The dream in which, well ... the dream in which it was different. My mind knew, and told me. I was supposed to act that day, and do what my mind told me to do. But i didnt. I missed it... and im sorry. I missed it. I miss it. I miss LIFE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ever feel like God is testing you? I had a nice long talk with God tonite, he didnt say much, just sort of hummed along and listened. But it was nice to have an ear to lean on for awhile. I asked him a few questions, answered a few of them myself, and others he just sort of shrugged on and said, "well, i laughed." And i guess thats all i can do about it. Someone once said, "Wow man, your life is fated. And i mean fucked up." And i agree, horribly so. There are too many fast coincidences and sick connections throughout my life. Especially... especially. Im tired of this crap. So i told God that im not going to play his game anymore and just do nothing. And thus is my decision, i am going to sit on my ass and do nothing. Nothing SO horribly can happen by doing nothing at all. So im on the defence now, and thus it shall be. Another nite, another drag, another battle. LIAR. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It deserves to be wednesday nite. I dont want it to be this time it is now. I have an exam tonite and a presentation tomorrow. I really dont feel like preparing for either, its just not cool. My nose has been destroyed. I ran out of tissues three days ago and have been using paper towels with recipes for 'friendship' on them. Its like the brawny of sand paper, but my nose is much better now, almost not sick anymore. Alright...i guess im going too go do the stuff...after a shower. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In the middle of the middle. In the center of the center. You will find peace. You will find closure. In the middle of the middle. In the center of the center. You will find this. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Frederick was a sick fuck. He had an obsession that he fully indulged on a weekly basis. Frederick lived in a small downtown duplex in the city. The city inparticular doesn't matter, but it helps with the setting for it to simply be a city. Every three or four days Frederick would take a walk around the surrounding city (see, city helping here) block with his oversized butterfly net. He got this net when he was 7, when his obsession began. He used to use the net to catch salamanders down at the bayside. He would drop them in old coffee cans and leave them there until he came back the next week or so. Then he would stare at their dried up remains. He liked the idea of imposing death on living things. It sort of made him happy with himself. Again, Frederick was a sick fuck. His hobby evolved more and more with the passing years, he moved on from salamanders to mice to large rodents to where his obsession now lay, cats. He would go on a walk with his trusty oversized net and catch a cat or two. He didn't like catching strays, he was always very particular to catch a collared cat. Preferably with a name tag reading "fluffy" or "whiskers". He would then dump the cats from his butterfly net into a pillow case. He usually got two, three on really good days. But two would always suffice. Frederick then would walk the extra 6 blocks South of his duplex to the animal shelter. He was friends with the manager, Johan. Johan was nothing special, blue collar daily worker, like the rest of us. Frederick would take the cats to the shelter and report them as unwanted. He was very fond of Disney's Aristocats animated feature, he thought himself the evil cat catcher fromthe movie and had a running joke with himself that he was. He'd been doing this for some years now, atleast 4, so it was a pretty basic routine. Infact Johan thought he even was a cat catcher, getting rid of excess vermin from the streets. It was no longer a question of morale, it just was. Frederick would bring in the cats, ordered them be destroyed, and stick around just long enough to watch the injections. He especially loved how their bodies would freeze in a position when they died. Eyes open, mouths still agap. It would be some seconds till their muscles relaxed. He did it for this. To watch them and taunt in his mind that they were dead and their contorted faces were their realization of that. That they were so surprised this was happening and were trying to escape but he won. Frederick always won. After the second cat froze he would pick up his empty pillow case and say the same thing, "Well you know, Johan, the pussy must pay." He gave the same dry chuckle at his joke and walked out. Twice a week he would do this, maybe three if the desire took him. Yes, Frederick was a sick fuck. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This storm is funny, im watching it and as much as it affects us i feel we have no effect on it. I hope never to wake up from this dream im in right now. HERE I AM. Im watching it, and thinking about the stages of its passing. How you know when its approaching, the dampness of the gaps, THE HOLES, changes. The storm body itself, letting go, its showers. The exodus, the watchful eyes and fake tears of rain. The storm. It passes here, i have seen it. This region seems to be very prone to these non-annual downfalls. Watching for the next one. Bought an umbrella, feel ready. FEEL. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Its simple poetic beauty, untouched by my insolence. Not so much insolence, but sheer actions. I have tainted and been attained. But from what i see, i shall no longer bear such arms agaisnt myself. Iv decided that this is a renewal of spirits. That from these beats on my heart will be anxious. Patiently. Not so Patiently beating. That from these steps on my trod will be not down trodden, but upscaled with few inclines. Hiking soundly without fuss or exhaustion. That is, arisen. Proclamation. Renaissance. Rebirth. A second bout with my dancing partner, LIFE. So be merry, and marry. Love, hope, renewal, faith, HOPE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This time, i want to go faster than when im awake. And with the brake lines cut, we can swerve without fear. We're unhinged, knowing that this is all we have left, no future, no benevolence. Pure feared adrenaline. Its a moment followed by a moment. 5 seconds, enough time to inhale just once and begin to exhale. To blink twice and maybe process a hundred different ideas. This time, i want to make up for the lost ground by no longer stumbling. I hate these loose wravels that pull at me, resisting. They arent tied down, they are loose ends that drag agaisnt the current. Frayed, torn, no clean cuts on any of them. Banners streaming from my chest, covering my heart in multi-colored tassles bearing names, locations, and ornamentation. This time, i want to wake up before im asleep. It wont take me forever to realize anything anymore, furbishing myself on commentary instead of constants. Not waiting to find out but brashly brazenly dying. This time, i want to ask my answers before the questions. No more patience for the slow pace of this old walker. Step in tune to my old whistle, creating a reflection upon the passing scenery. Looking, seeking the face. It isnt so much that i dont know what im looking at, but every day it changes. Its all in the eyes, those eyes. This time, im not going to hold back my hands when reaching for the stars. I CAN REACH. HERE I AM washing secrets from your cheeks. Carefully brightly. This time, i want to make more nonsense while im reading from your writings. I will enjoy before i will despise. I will give chance before passing judgement. No longer a biasm of hollowed bodies without objective or interest. But people, friends, cousins. This time, i will embrace. Hold. Far from relinquish before the set approximate. Proxy, by the codes and agaisnt the rules. Breaking books and setting fires. I thirst, i hunger, a constant satiation of suppressive need, unrequitted and staring with BLAZING EYES DOWN THE THROAT OF MY OWN INHIBITIONS. Never, no yet again not. I worry for my own sake, for sanctity, for mood. This time, when i skip quietly by i will thunder succintly my parade. Head forth. Hence forth. From here, till there. Wherever there shall take me. LIVE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chinese food wants me. Sushi wants me. Pizza wants me. Campbell's Vegetarian Vegetable Soup wants me. Pringles want me. Heath wants me. Chocolate...mmmm...chocolate wants me. Food. So much to choose from, lovely. FOOD. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do do Duh do da do duh da. If i have to wake up one more time. So much is emphasized with sleep. I mean, we all sleep, but sleep is more "sensual, romantic, touching, connecting, etc." We all eat too, but you dont hear many love songs about eating with someone. I mean, its nice and all, but its not "sexy". Well...i guess it can be, but yeah. Just one moment to be alone with you. Its an Early November Kick day. We're walking up the stairs into our room ...waking up can be SO HARD to do. But yeah... sleep. My favorite thing to do used to be sleeping with Lindsey, just holding her and falling asleep. In fact we used to make eachother tired, we would just fall asleep whenever together. Sounds odd, but it was nice. Sleep is nice. I sleep a lot, its comforting. I mean, everyone likes to sleep... sleep... sleep. I LOVE SLEEP! MMMmmm, im considering napping right now. But i have too much work to do. Yes...too much to do. Busy days filled with little sleep. But its ok, i do not mind, enjoui. BE ME. HOPE.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I AM A SUPERHERO! "every other nite is chris nite." LETS MAKE TACOS! We were watching Lifetime, dont turn it off. It wasnt the 'civil' war, it was just something we like to talk about. IM DONE WITH CLASS. HIP HIP HOORAHAHA. Lets all MAKE TACOS. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Waiting. I feel iv been waiting this whole time. Have i? Probably, because i have nothing else to do. Waiting. Horribly patiently waiting. My timing is all off. So for this moment, i must wait. I like the absurd qualities of life. So i guess i like all of this. HOPE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Internet Explorer. Favorites. File Manager. Click, check. Edit. Index. Edit. Copy, click. Paste. Begin. Im indulging my mindles self. And for some reason Celine Dion is on tv kissing a child in black and white. Perturbed. Deamn. I dont write to ... i dont write to.... ummm, i write here to write for myself. Because these are unformed thoughts i need to get out of my head before they become as well obsessions and just entirely mess me up. I started a Xanga site...i kind of regret it, because i dont really like the idea of people giving me feed back. Also, i find the interface really unfriendly. I like the whole HTML text black and white simplicity of geocities. Maybe its because iv been doing this for so long. Im not sure... i miss the way things were, before...before. transition, bridge. Going home in 4 days...home. Rebuild, patience. Rebuild. Patience. LOST. LIES. Under the knife, losing my mind. I need to build my voice. I need to build my skill, i need to build my hobby / hobbies. I need to do my work, im really piled up to the fucking chin. Heres to this. This nite. BEME. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rebuild. Patience. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just annoying. Run out. Runaround. Runabout. Yo, you alright? Nah man, but its cool. Waiting, patiently. Waiting, not so patiently. LOST. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QUICK ENTRY! My whole life is lies. Honestly, ask me. Lies, all of it. Everything...lies. Im so tired of keeping it all up. Picking those who i can tell this piece to or that piece to. Its going to kick me in the ass, i cant keep it up. ITS KILLING ME. LIES LIES LIES. LIARS. ALL of it...so tired of it. Wish they would just expose me for the awful fuck i am, then i could just be killed and return to life the way it was. God that sounds nice, the way it was. LIES. I write to destroy myself. Thinking i can find it as a release when really the skeptical typing and choosen words engrain it even heavier into my mind just how lost i am. LOST. Dont want it anymore... want it to end. LIAR. End is only the beginning, im helpless, hopeless. Lost in my own salvation...losing it for my salvation. Can i create anything more brief. LIES. so tired...LOST. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I suddenly have so much to say but no one to say it to. Its 2. I just sneezed in succession 5 times. I am sick. Im pretending to listen to Sinatra, but im really not. Im trying to begin my own typing language that mixes enunciated vowels with german / english. You'll see, it wont work. Im trying to find something a littler cleaner to say. But im all out. Too sick to stay awake, too tired to sleep. I really dont feel like sleeping, feel like staying up and talking...and cuddling. BUT I HAVE NO ONE TO CUDDLE WITH. What a fucking world. That is a piece of my life that i hate. I want to find someone to be with but more than anything i dont want to be with anyone else. Its just a fucked up paradox. Wishing i could wake up tomorrow and get some pancakes or waffles. But dont feel the motivation. Going to drink another glass of water and call it a nite. Water, the deliverer. I, the choosen vessel. You, the audience. A respectable bow...offstage...scene. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Overload. Dont wish to overload any longer. Overbear. Dont wish to be overbearing for one more day. Overanxious. Dont wish to be paranoid for a minute longer. STOP! I...me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Come hell or highwater. Ill be there come hell or highwater. Ill be there even if hell or highwater were to come. Even if hell opened its mouth and highwater destroyed the town, ill be there. Even if HELL were to break open and destroy the world with raging highwaters, ill be there. Ill be there. No worries, drive happy. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Waiting. Patiently. Not so patiently. Waiting. Typing. Patiently. Not so patiently. Typing. Breathing. Heavy. Not so heavy. Breathing. SCREAMING. LOUD! BELLOWING! ANGSTLY RAGING A VOUME OF SCREAMS! Breathing. Patiently. Not so patiently. Being. Living. BE ME. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I covered my wall with newspaper clipping last semester. They are all faded, worn, yellowing, crinkling, falling. Most of them are torn, not making any sense anymore because they are missing. Missing. Missing. I still stare it at, i want to tear it down but i dont. Understand? I want to tear it down but i dont. I dont want to, i cant. I want to tear it down but i dont. Im not sure. HOPE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blackbird broken wing come step outside. Spread your wounded arms and learn to fly. Held onto the winters and the snow falls flakes. Carry the breeze through the passing trees. Carry you home, carry you home, carry me home. Feeling the repitition of your flapping wings. Still sore from rest, still tired from dreams. Dreaming is all we can do. Hope is all we can stomach, asides from this. Anything asides from this. Im not ready yet, i miss it all. Im not ready yet, i want it all to be again. I want it all. New air, new clothes, new feet, new hair, new me. cascading. Breaking from my skin, dragging it beyond me like a snake sheds, like my shadow. Know. Enjoui. Feel. I - To - Me. I - To - Her. Its been deleted, but makes so much sense. Shit...shit. ESTEEM. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I can scrunch my face up so tight. I can make believe that i cant hear it scratching itself along the desk top. Fake bronze dragging along fermica. But i do hear it, i hear it scratching into my brain. I want to tear it off my wrist, but i cant. I cant seperate myself from it. Physcially, yes, but whats the point of seperating the object when the mind will never be seperated. I want it, there i said it, I WANT IT. I want to wear it, to constantly be reminded by it, to know what it means. Iv been questioned several times as to its meaning, origin, etc. But i always just push it aside and dont really answer. I dont want to tell them, i dont want to tell them the stories. I dont tell anyone the stories. They are just stories, stories can be ignored...forgotten? Im not sure. I doubt it. I worry that it will tear and break off... i check it atleast everyday to make sure it wont break. But if it does...will i replace it? Will i. i. i. be. LIAR. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It seems the stalker epidemic is spreading. ------------ Monday, February 25, 2002 Posted 10:30:00 PM by Maura Hunter you know how sometimes you just KNOW that somebody is going to make it big? ok ive got someone for you...robin wachsberger(burger)(sp?) you may know her from cabaret as the landlady (starring with brian matthews) and she is "miss adelaide" in guys and dolls this year...she is also in my spanish class and i worship the ground she walks on sometimes...she bought the same kinda fur coat thingy i have (wow) and she recently dyed her hair my color (ish) but (not to be obsessive) she has THE coolest style ever in the history of the world, and her artwork stuff is SO amazing and she is such a cool actress (she is my role model and my person of the day/week/month/year) she will most likely never know this however because i am a geek and i would never be able to tell this to anybody except kevin sprissler, because i know he wouldnt take me seriously, but kevin is not my role model, nor shall he ever be, so you see it doesnt really work out... i couldnt even tell brian CHU how much i was madly in love with him...oops (turns red)...but back to robin, she is apparantly going to this theater school for college in new york and her dream is to be on snl, can you believe i know this much about the girl and we've probably only had about 10 conversations total? haha (i am weird like that as you MAY have noticed/gathered) but yeah, she has this MAD crazy new york accent for miss adelaide (which is like...uh...required in order to make the part even REMOTELY work...) but she does it SO well, shes so convincing geeeze haha i wish i could be as cool as robin wachsberger/burger! borna's also my person of the day cuz he went around to all the study halls with "happy study hall" papers with a picture of him gazing off wide-eyed into space and "got rice" written on some random notebook paper...yeah but paige and i went around with him for a couple of the study halls on the top floor cuz we were too lazy to go down the treacherous stairs...the deliveries went well, better reactions from teachers than i had expected (dougherty, smith and sculley) but it was funny to see their reactions (from outside the door of course) hehe we are not as brave as those who appear on happy study hall papers...alright time to chat, write and watch tv....goodnight! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Its easy to ask to wait when your not the one waiting. Bending over backwards just to break. Horribly anticipated, subjected to serial traits and tribulations. Iv been waiting around for such a short time i havent even begun to check the time. Its all in perfect order as you'll see, on my honor. I swear to thee i scream. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I. Miss. My. E-N-E-R-G-Y. I wasnt meant to see. Holding on so closely. The times the shares the breaking down...of...it...all. Its great to finally breath, the air without the need, to gasp for sake to seem, the truth the dream its sad to say. To Be. Be Me. Bridge. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Snow fall. Cascade fall. Cascade dish washer cleaner. Jet dry dish cleanser. Donut shop. Your traveling down York road with me. Im driving the old stand by, the Town and Country mini-van with the chipped away paint hood and throttle kicking transmission. We're speeding, not faster and faster, but a steady increase, just relaxing, watching the headlights. You'll turn to me and ask where we're headed. Ill just shrug and that will be enough to satisfy your curiousity. We're always just going, a destination is the end, so lets just keep going. Passing Yum Yums...mmmmmm, donuts. 20 minutes pass. Still driving, steadily increasing my speed, we're going 72. You turn to me again, "what do you want to do tonite?" I shrug. 10 minutes later. Speed - 78. You turn to me, "Want to get a movie later on?" I dont shrug this time, "sure." 2 minutes pass. Speed - 79...almost 80. Now we're going 80. "What movie?" You look off into the road, nothing poetic to really be said about it, just an oncoming wave of asphalt out of the dark. It quickly passes from the tip of our headlights and subsequently under the van and is gone. foot after foot of black stone, born from the dark, returning to the dark. Seems almost ironic...but not. You snap back into reality, "I dont know, horror?" I watch a car pass me, slightly checking to see if its a cop. I take another second to consider your words. "Ok, we can do that." Speed, 82. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I love Tuesdays and Thursday. I only have 1 class at 945 on these days, thus allowing me the remainder of my day to sleep and enjoy my own doings. I just woke up from my nap. I am watching an old version of SNL on Comedy Central. I hate this channel because for some reason the local State College Maintanence Services CB radio is on the same frequency as this channel, thus cutting the sound out every few minutes with "Dan, Dan where you at? I'll meet you at the maintanence buidling in 10, aight?" "Alright Phil, 10-4 10 - 10." Whatever that means. "Greg Butch to Wreck Building, Greg Butch to Wreck. Greg Butch to Rory Butler." I know at some point i will here a murder confession over our intercieved CB channel. This knowledge scares me, but at the same time pisses me off since i cant hear Comedy Central. A good, quality channel. "Searching for a random diver." "...click click... click" "...click ... pop." "Come in 20 20, please report to the " "Ok, 10 - 4." Thats all the cutting in for now, im sure there will be more later. LIFE.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Heavy. Far too heavy. Heavey. Dont know if i can. Shut your eyes. "Who do you think hates you?" "Everyone...?". One more dream. GRIEF. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Like one of those globes where ever country is a semi-precious gem or colorful stone. All shiny and polished and overmarketed. Definitely not the handsize version, the full blown out of proportion headsize. Yeah...but not at all. Fucking everything...absolutely. Shit, hold on one sec. This is all we can do... yet even this is over. So quickly. HOPE. LIFE. YOU ONLY DISSAPOINT THE ONES WHO DONT BELIEVE.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You hate me. Its the revival. Hold together now, i want to get a really good look at it this time. Not going down so easy this time, IV GONE DOWN BEFORE. Smile you fucking bastard, its not like it used to be. Not going to take it, going to stab you in your grinning throat. But i want to pet the Reindeer. Holy shit they have a reindeer! I was so happy, i was so hot. Nothing else interevened. Choppy, choppy, you cant go too much too fast. Its not that time yet, i still have 5 minutes. Shit, i only have 5 minutes. LIVE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Its all in the collage, join the stimulation. Its all in the song, join the revelation. Its all about your character, preventitive measures, owning up to the sealment. "Sir, please come out, you haven't eaten in days." Behind closed doors. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Patience. Hands held within hands, understanding, brief understatement. "Im just trying to help." Beyond stubberness, more than physcial. "I dont want your help. It isnt help, it isnt help." Harsh, verbal knives. Gross undoings, time released bindings. "You cant keep doing this." Horribly correct, agreed. "I know, but i dont know anything else." A child reared in the dark will embrace the shadows above all else. "Alright, sir. Maybe tomorrow." Padded toeings, please dont be upset. "Maybe." maybe. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Patience. Building upon patience. Building upon patience. Piling upon patience. Patience upon patience isnt patience any longer. It becomes hysteria. Can you swallow its jagged form? Life is a pill, and its a bitch to shove down your throat when your already choking on your pride. Got too much going at once, why does everything constantly overlap? Never cut and dry, while one wall is falling im trying to raise another. Its impossible, this isnt how you build a house, this isnt how you build your life. You'll never be done, you'll never be done. You will never take a break, a constant motion to keep as many walls up as possible while all are falling, not a single one stable. Its not the walls fault, its their foundation, my floor, myself. I am unbalanced, they are tottering on my disleveled base, trying to catch them all, no one left to catch me? We're all just falling, we're all just falling. HOPE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LOVE LIFE LIVE LIES LIARS HOPE. My vocabulary is growing. Im hungry, making one last trip. We're both hurting. Cant turn it off. Spent all nite looking for the switch. More than we even realized. "WAS IT WORTH IT CHRIS! WAS IT WORTH IT!"---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Because we cant afford to be generous. Because we cant make ourselves be happy. It seems so empty, but simply by saying those words i fulfill something. I reflect and know what is missing, but when i voice it it feels so rationed. Its all in my head. Just one more second, i can do this. Smile bravely, your all being judged. I know what this is, this is the end my friend, so smile. LIARS. LIES.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tigermilk is gone...am i surprised? Honestly...am i? Tonite is tonite, but it will be everynite. Fading...faded. Gone. Honestly...am i? HOPE. Iv got something to say. Hell. Hell. Im in Hell. LOVE. Cant it be, it be...im out of words. Thats it for today then. Enjoui.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We live in a beautiful world...yeah we do, yeah we do. Searching the skies for something more important. Lying on the top level of the parking garage, see the clouds. How is my favorite little turtle? Its Shelly (thats my turtle) for president! Bones, sinking like stones. Its the battle of Miami. See, here's Washington fighting off the pilgrims and forcing them into the ocean. All that we fought for. I know how to make drugs. I can whip up a batch with my eyes closed, itll be strong enough to trip your tight little ass all over town. So pack your bags, bizatch. ... ... ... CALL ME IKARUS WITH HOPES SO HIGH.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The rebel forces are spreading throughout the land... hurry to your homes and gather your arms. Make sure you have both your left and right, this is vital. Next, make for the Hills. Because apparently, in any time of great conflict, its the hills your supposed to go to. I guess that is where the rebels will be found, since the hills seem so dire in these times. And prepare your arms, i guess for slapping, since these battles last so long punches wouldnt make sense. I believe a slapping war can last atleast 2 years, which is perfect. The economy will boom, people will flee to Canada, and all will rejoice when our soldiers return to their homes with flushed complexions and black and blue cheeks. Slap on in the hills my comrades, slap on! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just be tired. If you want a pizza, get a pizza. Its so simple, yet that is life. Follow that simple lifegiving thesis, if you want a (insert noun here), then get a (insert noun here). Do what you want. TEAR OFF YOUR LEASHES! THROW THEM TO THE SIDEWALK! JUMP AND SCREAM "LAUDY DAUDY HALLI-FUCKING-LULA!" MMMmmm... Winterfresh.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- They just came up to me and said, "You are so funny, my wife and i want to have sex with you." I was so shocked that i just instantly said no. If only i could go back and slap myself in the fucking face. I tell you. Regrets. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Was it my grandmother? Grandmother, make for the window! OH MY!!! Would you like a French Fancy, they are quite delicious. I threw my dog in the fire and now i need my chimney sweeped. Are you the chimney sweep? Sir, please? Sir? Would you just move a touch to the left? I have it aligned just another touch to the left? This building is very old, so you have to stay close to the window. Otherwise it could be dangerous. You see, here you have the windows. Grandmother? Grandfather Grossvatter? Heidi!---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Might i borrow your lap, it appears to be good for me to sleep on. I need to get to bed earlier tonite. Borrow your lap? eh? I wish when i went to a party the lights would go out and some girl would kiss me and leave the hint of Baily's Irish Cream on my mouth. But those fucking fuses always end up working and the girls are too shy to kiss me in the light. I mean they all want to kiss me, but they want it to be memorable, so theyr just all waiting for the lights to die out. So we're all just waiting, sitting around, not talking, waiting for the fuse to blow. Every party iv ever been to. It figures, it all just figures.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "And the downward spiral continues." "Oh? Whats that from?" "It's from my life." "oh...that sucks." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hate is such a strong word. Scoff. Ajax is strong white cleaning powder. You use it to clean your pots and pans. I like to brush my teeth. When i brush my teeth i get the sensation im jumping headfirst into an 8 foot wave. The salty water tearing dead flesh from my weightless body as im thrown about and finally plunged head first into the sandy bottom. Compacting my spine in such a way that i wont be able to walk without the aid of some 8,000 hours of physical therapy. MMMmmm...Mentadent and my yellow Crest toothbrush.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dreams are answers to the questions we haven't asked ourselves yet. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Contemptuous. Conversationalist. Coexist. Corner Room. Conquer & Expand. Expedite. Expediate. Exodus. Exactly the SAME. Sanctuary. Simaltaneous. Sumantra. System. LIFE CYCLES. I hear this. i hear this...going three times...GONE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Prompting myself for my daily dose of masochism. Iv been told i am far too masochistic many times this week, mostly in relation to dairy. Does it hurt you like it hurts me to read it? I hate MYSELF. Take a look at that town, take a look at how far iv come. Yet have i LEFT? Im still there, still here, still sitting around in comparison. I hate this...me. Cant do it, no matter how much i really want to. Never. LIE. I just hurt myself, pretty heavily. Not physically, no, i wouldnt care then. I hate ...i hate. LIE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I - to - these - to - . I - to - love - you. I - to - you - my . It - fair, is - fair. Please - me. Please - hold . You - everything - me. It - make -, but - does - the - time. Is - right? Is - fair? Yes, - no. I - everything. But - don't - to - it -. Hold -, don't - turn . This - stupid - me. Im - us, im - all - us. Ohwell, -, someday. Everyword is important. Every other word is nonsense. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have discovered the ultimate way to eat a chocolate donut. I just ate 12 chocolate donuts back to back (they are the mini ones, dont worry). I have a problem, chocolate is its name. I spent over $10 on one nites chocolate awhile back. Chocolate is amazing. I dont know what it is about it. I wouldnt say its calming, or soothing, or comforting, or an aphrodisiac. It just tastes so fucking good and im addicted. My parents are worried that im "too thin." You have to be kidding. I eat so much junk food these days, its awful. And i abandoned my few months of vegetarianism. Im actually upset about that, ill go back to it in a bit. So im binge eating chocolate and french fries like crazy and being a carnivore. Hold on, i have to grab another handful of donuts. The box may not last the nite. Mmmmm... chocolishish. So after i admit i have a problem, then what? Try to stop eating it? FAT FUCKING CHANCE! CHOCOLATE! LIFE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paranoia burning in my brain. Smoldering reason. Regardless. Its pointless. Regardless. Who needs the truth when you have paranoia? It creates its own truth, the truth you want or dont want. I know theyr there, you know theyr there. So we're agreed. My kind of town, my kind of way. FUCK! Jen, its agreed. I want to know what people are thinking, my paranoia is killing me. Fighting for approval, its more than just gloves and hair. Its my kind of town, my kind of way. Understand, are we agreed? But with paranoia there is no agreement, simply succumbing. You succumb to the fact that you think your paranoia is correct. BUT IT ISNT! Or is it? FUCK! Isnt that what its all about, worrying that your paranoia is true? Really hope im not right about any of this. Compulsory...my kind of town. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Im killing myself. Killing me softly. Its all your fault, your meaning me. Pointless intrusion. Got a year to live, gotta make it worth it. But its this drive to make it worth it thats killing me faster. Im aflame with such a burning desire, its burning to fast, out of control. No longer a passion, now its a compulsion. Im dying...fuck...LIVE. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some birds are too bright to be caged...i miss my friend. It still prodes at my pysche. Stop it, fucking stop it...but i cant. Green tea - coffee - chocolate - french fries. OCD. You'll be dead by 20...enjoy it. I WANNA DRESS YOU! AND YOUR WALKING CLOSER! ah just perfect. Too much to constantly be amused, too much to be blissful. Dont have the time right now, ill consider it all later. $19.95...going three times...---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HElp, heLP. Whatever life i choose, atleast it will be my own. "You'll lose your soul." Yeah? Well...it was bound to go eventually. Happy trails to me. Keep in touch.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hosiante horatio. Goddamnmit, dont be so conventional. I dont have time to play with you right now. No one has time, too many fucking hours. You dont know what this means, you dont know what this means to me. Trapped, pointless. Run, what they said is wrong. Trying to tye circles, trying to make it all so right...flailing. Failing. Falling. LIE.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Im going to go lye down...please hold me. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I would like to. Spontanaeity. How about this? Oh, yeah. Im for sale, iv decided. Im putting myself on the market for a starting value of $19.95. So i guess this will be an ongoing bid. Send me your bids, cash and money orders are accepted, and we'll see how this goes. I need something new. My head really fucking hurts. Im tired of being here alone, desire companionship. You dont need to love me, you just need to want to be there. Wherever i am, whenever you feel like it I want to be held. Thats all... thats all. $19.95, going once...going twice... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All you need to know is anything ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hold your breath, make a wish, count to three. Pure Imagination in the World of my Creation. Defy Explanation. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7 out of 16...that is beyond failing ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nancy has a fucking incredible deadjournal and xanga site. Seriously take a look at it. Youll be hooked, its intense. www.xanga.com/vampyre_blood or at http://www.deadjournal.com/~fionabunny . Enjoui ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Out of all of us, i think Chris has changed the most." "Chris? no, Chris has always been this way." Would you recognize me? Would i recognize me? Going home, going home. At peace with myself, but waging war agaisnt my inhibitions. Horribly centralized on specifics. Cant shake anything, dont bother it now, let sleeping dogs lye. Cant love everything forever. All good things have endings. I still love, but am expanding. Iv broadened what i love, LOVE LIFE LIVE LIE...HOPE. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Every unkempt due is filled with restless duration. Please say yes, i need approval. Without spirit, well...drag it like my shadow. It only slows me down, hanging on every step. Pulling me down, without goodbye. I cant imagine a time without a compulsion. Without tonite, you know i wouldnt mind...but would be hurt. I wont give any fight, but refuse to rest indulged. Restless nights of broken stares, i zone into my own. Dont wish to sleep, dont wish to speak...quiver quietly praying for coming ins. Im quick enough to bias my disposition, frollocking lightly to every other conclusion than that one. Im lost from what it is that is being thought. Its me, my compulsory nature, Obsession for men fragrance. Drift, drag, desimay.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Im sick, so i decided to give myself a break and remain in my room for the remainder of the day. I really do need to go to my genetics class, i haven't been really applying myself to that class. But its things like this that make me question what it is im doing. What am i doing? I felt really inspired last nite to search out and/or create beauty. I felt like there so was so much fucking beauty that i wasnt taking part in. I want to help. My wish my wonder, could it be true. Turn this damn town on its head, take my perspective and run with it. You dont have to bring it back, i have another to spare. I am without creative purpose, it all is self-mutilating wonderment. But without a reason to do it, asides from self explication, i find it much more fulfilling. I dont force for you, i force for me. FORCE ME. force me to do it. Lets let the reigns go loose and run with it.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Todays featured item is the stapler. Used in the process of collating, the stapler is a vital piece of office efficiency ware. This years models featuring semi-translucent neon colored tops, very hip for the cubicle worker on the prowl. Nothing says "I'm impressed" than a bright pink piece of plastic snapped onto your handy-dandy Swingline.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------WE LIVE IN A BEAUTIFUL WORLD...Yeah we do, yeah we do.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Im here to see those nitro burning funny cars, VROOM VROOM!---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "You came in at 8? Well the ninja's were cool, back to sleep." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The year is 1953, and what a magical year its been. "Oopsy, i swallowed a pin. Thats gonna be a fun journey." "Remember kids, you can be anything you want!" "Except for a stupid stuffed hippo, that job is already taken. You are an insepid under creature, and your cereal turned my urine purple." "You would have to eat 8 bowls to have it do that." "Yes, and drink a gallon of chocolate milk, but that doesn't make it any better." "You made the hippo sad...break his thumbs!"----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"Do you want to buy some vanilla fudge and read poetry to each other?" "Only if i can braid your hair afterwards." .... "Man, that chocolate sauce is nothing but sweet ass trouble..." .... "I wont let you do it best friend guy. I wont let you throw away your life for sex." "Steph aside." "Ok guy." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tigermilk is----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Hands around your waist...never, standing cold, standing cold. Grinding slowly agaisnt myself, hoping to wear myself open. Ill expose my emotion if you impose your intention. Heading for the border...ride with me. Escape from solitude and into isolation. And when i die ill ask you, there will be no answer. My mouth will pass all but words, two lips a soul a breath. Hesitation. You'll hesitate as i guess, and it will be too late. S.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Pain can be valuable...we learn from pain.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"You know what else she said?" "No Jason, what else did she say?" "She said 'Held's Amazing!' Yeah Baby Yeah!" "Right..."----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------There's too much to lose. Let it end, let it begin, let it die...let it live. Let it live. Let me live. LET ME BE ALIVE! Last Nite...everything was right the rain was gone. When summertimes the only time we know. Shut your eyes...don't know if i can. Shut Your eyes...don't know if i can. If life is like a movie, i could be happy. If my life was like a movie, i will be happy. Call me Icarus. Ikarus. I dont want to fly too high...im risking it all. But theres nowhere to go but up. Ikarus, the fool-hardy. Do something pretty while you can, don't be a fool. I'm going to be fool-hardy, im going to do something beautiful, LET ME BE ALIVE! today, the first answer is right, i choose to fly over to explore (bird over fish). Ikarus...its my time.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Everybody has got something to hide. Stop soaking yourself. I cant. I'm your trauma sponge. In the corner lies a form. Formless. Expressionless. I mean whatevers gonna make you want me. Im halfless.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I want something beautiful. I need some sort of meaning. Tonite just doesnt feel right. Tonite just isnt right.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Don't put it all out...would it all be different in a different context? Maybe if i had listened it would be, or not. Do i believe in fate? I believe in fated paths. Make up your mind, its simplicity. The greatest beauties we know of are the simplest. Its form, fitting. We fit. Under lock and key it would be wonderful. Set free, it would be tragic. We are tragedy at its best. Drama, sustain the notes nite after nite. Another nite filled with the same song, loop, back to back. I dont mind so much anymore, after all, comfort is just routine. Iv regained a routine, it has no support, no reliatbility, no foundation. But it jossles itself through day after day. Like me. Like me.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Starmaking.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I read your letters today, i watched each crackle and catch like a flame. Every letter playing kindling to my heart. It didn't make me sad, it made me angry. All that i know, there's nothing here to run from. Cause here, everybody here's got somebody to lean on. It seems to superficial. My response, my anger. What is there to be angry about? Yet i feel angry about everything...everything. Life shouldn't involve regret, i try to live up to that statement. But anger over the course of an event isnt regret, maybe its shame, empathy, heartache. Im angry about how things turned out, i know im not making them better, but im so angry that i dont want it to be better. Not yet, im sorry...not yet.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Homes, places we've grown... Yeah we do, yeah we do... Don't panic, don't panic.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Does anyone want to go dancing...? Beauty----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I wish i was sick. Tell me I'll never have to be out there again. ... You'll never have to be out there again.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------We live in a beautiful world...yeah we do yeah we do.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"". I love that. "". "Yes". It bears something extra..."Yes".----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Bones, sinking like stones, all that we fought for. Homes, places we've grown, all of us are done for. There is so much beauty in this world, i want more of it. I need to start being more. I want something beautiful to be part of my life, to happen in my life, to be something i am. I want to be beautiful. We live in a beautiful world...yeah we do, yeah we do.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------We live in a beautiful world...yeah we do. "I just want everybody i know to want to fuck me." Im so fucking tired, got nothing...i just zoned out and dont remember why i typed 'got nothing.' So yeah... I had an entry im mind, about cow tipping, but iv forgotten it. I wish my computer rang the rice-a-roni ding like Robin's does. I wish i had some chocolate, hot chocolate, mint hot chocolate. Going to go submerge myself in cult literature/movies. Its good to be entertained.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Im tired of getting left where i dont want to be alone. Im tired of ending up with the wrong person and having no choice but to follow and swallow my tongue. I want to be a bastard, so save my own neck and do what i want to do. But i cant. Fuck...FUK! All i want to do is what i want to do, but i find myself being constantly ....constantly... constantly something with a 'c' in it. Constantly being 'c'd. Whatever that 'c' word is, its whats getting under my skin every fucking week. Hate it...hate it..------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ok, the ideal boyfriend. Dark hair, blue eyes. Six Months Later...I'll become dead. And when the people pass by the window I'll be adored by them. Yeah I will.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Breakbeat. DownBeat. Breakheat. Downheat. Brokeheat. Down heate. Broken heart. Down heart. Broken Hearted. Down Hearted.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The Wreckage. The Wreckange. The Wreck change. Threchange. The Wrechanges. The Wrech changing. The Wrech Changesings. The Wreck Changes Things.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------This is my last leg, been away for days, in a minute ill die of starvation. All I knows i can. Leave your coat by the door, when it leaves ill know your gone. Everyones caught on to everything we do. Big surprise, yeah, i was surprised. Hope after we hit the ground you hit it running. You took my legs out from right under me. No chase necessary, no purchase necessary. I wasn't expecting a refund anyways.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------HAPPY FRIDAY!!! I NEED TO GET TO BED!!! YAYAYAYAY!!!------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------This sure shot has taken a plot twist. Im wiping the slate clear, here's to my health, a toast. A temporary goal. Iv got a good looking mind, lets be cheerful and wish tonite could last the rest of our lives. Im making it all the way up to the middle. Quite a catch, quite a damn fine catch.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I'm a modern guy, i dont care much for the go-go or the retro image i see so often.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Please ignore the list...i never meant for it to sound like this. This and you.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------It's a joyride. I can only see as far as my headlights will let me, 20 feet a second. But somehow that 20 feet a second will carry me all the way to the end. Its frustrating and captivating. Swerving slowly to the beat, no one else is on the road. Not this road. I know how it ends, atleast i thought i did. Been this way for days.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------This is farther down my page too...iv been skimming it these last two days...so much anger. ------- Eight Days and counting till I'll be dying. Far from this land and flying onwards to home. This tylenol may seem funny, but only when the caps are insecure. So stay with me awhile, iv got a pullout...we can all just get along. Im sure that this is temporary, im temporary too. Iv rented a space on this earth for the next eight days. Cash deposits please, no one forgets when some one leaves. Light my candle and burn my ashes, stay at home and seek the second hand. I'll be swept up by morning, ill expect youll all have left the mourning too...------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Im done...im done. Tell her i say 'yo'.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Iv created a parking lot on my heart. Its un-metered parking. Feel free to just leave your baggage there. Whatever you want, whatever.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Adoration. Ava Adore. Askew. Ask. Asnign. Awkward. Alteration. Absolute. Allocate. Anti. Armor. Arbor. Omaha. There are no more stars in this tattle-tale. Tale of .... of this.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I have this as the first thing on this page...i like it. So im repasteing it up here. ----------------filled with strings of hope playing upon my heart like an open sonnet...abundance of adoration, upheavel of admiration, upset of anticipation, twisting my tuners till im so taught that sharpness is flatness and everything is a choral scream! SCREAM! SCREAM YOU LOVE ME! SCREAM!!!------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------HOPE. LIVE. LIFE. LOVE. LIE.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I wrote a memoir for my creative writing class. It had to be a non-fiction piece detailing an important moment in your life. This wasnt life changing, but it was something i will never forget. It isnt entirely true, Gelosi actually did it first and we were attacked by a dog on the way there. Also i wasnt such a pussy about it and Gelosi simply sat at the top of the hill and laughed at me as i clawed to get out...but all in all its pretty good. Im going to post it, enjoy if you feel like reading it. It was a good time. LIVE. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>ICE SLEDDING>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I awoke on Tuesday at nine, an hour later than usual, my head buzzing; sleep is not something I am accustomed to on any great scale. It was the early February of my Junior year of high school, and I was cold. My bed is pushed up against two large glass doors leading two a second story deck; I awoke staring at these doors with furiously blinking eyes. Why couldn�t I focus? Amazing what a decent amount of sleep will do for you. I looked out the doors; my backyard was gone. It had vanished last night under a growing frost; it had snowed. I pushed my face up against the cold doors to break the last bindings of sleep. I watched as the glass fogged and unfogged from my breath, I smiled. �No school�NO SCHOOL!� I would�ve expected myself to jump out of bed, do a back flip somersault something, and run down the stairs to spread the already received good news. But instead, I wore that smile as I tucked myself back under my comforter and rolled into a warming crescent shaped mass. By 11 o�clock I was finally mobile. I left my icy room (those glass doors are extremely drafty) for the warmer downstairs. Stumbling as my circulation gathered itself I made my way into the kitchen. From what I could tell the house was empty. My sister left me a note on the table saying she had gone over to Kate Marshall�s house. Kate had grown up right by us, she was practically my second sister. �Good,� I mumbled to myself as I began to plan an afternoon of loud music and sloth. �Would you like a touch of breakfast, sir?� Like all creative youth, I talked to myself in a British accent. �Of course, what does today�s menu entail?� �Oh, a jolly good selection of the finest pancakes this side of Windsor Downs.� �That sounds absolutely tantalizing, I�ll have that.� I went about the kitchen making myself pancakes with obnoxious detail; taking time to delicately measure out a quarter cup of dry mix from our pantry�s industrial sized tub of batter. Quietly making sure to get just the right consistency of water to batter by adding only a trickle of water at a time from the faucet and mixing it with a fork. When I have the time to be, I�m a perfectionist, otherwise I head-rush into most everything. Humming quietly I flipped my half finished pancakes on the griddle with the artistry only a four year Boy Scout could possess. Then, with a pancake in mid-air, I heard it. Bang! The sound of the dryer lid being shut. Someone was home. No, not just someone, Mom. I didn�t call out to her, I still could convince myself that the sound was just in my head. But then I heard the footsteps, light at first, she was only backing out of our crawlspace laundry room to close its folding doors. They grew heavier as she approached the kitchen from the next room over. I prepared for this mornings acting debut. �Morning, Mom. Want some pancakes?� I knew if she was home that I would have to play this out, otherwise I would be on chore duty all day. My sister had gotten out of it, so surely I could too. My mother is an elementary school teacher, so when we have off, she has off. She must have been in a good mood because she was smiling. �Morning hun!� She said affectionately as she hugged and kissed my cheek. �When did you get up?� �Oh, not too long ago,� I could tell by her kissing my cheek that today was my day, my day for anything. �Say, mom,� I began, picking my words carefully. It was important I got this just right. Make it sound like a suggestion, just friendly morning talk, that�s all. �I was wondering if maybe Chris could come over this afternoon and we could hang out here for awhile?� Did I come on too strong? Just keep watching the pancakes, let her think this is just a passing whim, nothing of importance. Pay no attention to the boy flipping the pancakes. �I guess so, I mean if the roads are clear and he can get a ride.� She began to walk out of the kitchen towards the dining room. YES! But the act is not yet over. �Oh, great, thanks a lot mom. I mean I don�t want to be by myself on a day off. You sure you don�t want any pancakes?� Say no Mom, these were my pancakes, this was my day. �No, thanks honey, I ate already this morning.� �Alright, just wondering.� Perfect! Everything was going just perfect this morning. No school, all the pancakes, Chris was coming over, just perfect. Chris is Chris Cangelosi, my best friend since eight grade. He has the same build as me, tallish (six ft.), a little heavy, but of course he isn�t nearly as funny as me. Of course not. Chris� mom is Puerto Rican, that�s where he gets his dark hair and skin tone. His dad is Italian, but he doesn�t resemble him at all. Just like my parents, this is his dad�s second marriage, so he has half brothers in their thirties, I do too. Chris and I are both very creative and very bored, a horribly concentrated mixture for our age; thus leading us into wonderfully imaginative acts of idiocy. Such as attaching a desk top to wheels and using it for downhill slalom (a perfect idea until I managed to impale my left hand on the desk�s upper left corner). In fact, Chris is just like me in most every aspect, except for maybe book smarts. If either of us was to be given the common sense award, it would go to Chris, or Gelosi, as I was fond of calling him. Gelosi is an only child; I am the youngest of three. Common sense just clashes with my rebellious nature, so Gelosi helped to keep the lid of personal safety on our more reckless adventures. It�s one in the afternoon; I�m waiting in the family room for Gelosi to arrive. I try my hand at composing a concerto as I waste time. Four years of piano lessons for nothing, I can�t even play chopsticks. But I am very talented at arranging chords, so I pass the time banging on the keys as hard as I can to keep myself entertained, but more so to drive my mother crazy. Doorbell. I guess my composing will have to wait. �Gelosi, I have an idea. You�re just going to have to trust me on this, so don�t ask any questions and follow.� Again, Gelosi had been my best friend for four years now and he knew better than to argue when I had already made up my mind. Plus he did trust me in a way, at least he trusted me to go first on whatever scheme I had half baked that morning. We were both equipped with standard issue snow combatant suits. A pair of 90% nylon, 10% cotton, water proof, L.L. Bean styled snow pants. An extra large, borrowed from father�s closet, snow jacket. Two pairs of ordinary white Hanes socks, complete with reinforced yellow toe area. One bulky hat big enough to fit your entire head. One pair of Bi-layered, water proof treated, cotton insulated gloves. And of course, thermal underwear (This year ornamented with light blue reindeer. Thanks, Grandma.). Anything you choose to bulk up with besides this selection was on your own accord. We carried with us my 1978 commissioned �Black Bomber� sled. Made so tough and with plastic so thick that when coming down a hill no bush under four feet tall could stop it. It was large enough to seat three and dominated any slope in the tri-county area. We headed out towards the hill, we were ready. The snow was only about six inches deep and had a delicious crust of ice on top, perfect for sledding. We made good pace and trudged along the front lawns of the industrial plants on my street. The day�s chosen spot wasn�t far. I was excited. As we approached the hill it became evident to Gelosi what I had in mind. �You�re kidding, right?� But he said it in an uneasy manner, he knew I meant it. �No Gelosi, we�re going to take the hill.� Though this sounds friendly enough, it isn�t the hill that had him worried. It was the forty foot expanse of frozen lake at the base of the hill that did. The hill was a sixty some foot drop at about a thirty-five degree angle, it was steep and short, in fact it was quite deadly. It had been designed for the drainage of Prudential�s parking lot above it. Trenched a foot deep within the hills face were two drainage slides. Smooth contoured cement a little wider than three and a half feet that ran the length of the hill from the parking lot and finally exhausted their run a good foot above the water level over the lake. The water level was low this year. I had done this many years with my siblings, it was nothing new to me. We were very creative children, creating such games as �fold yourself in the hide-a-bed� or �bungee cord the recycling bin to a skateboard and throw yourself down the hill in it.� But it was early in the season; the lake was not entirely frozen. In fact, in some spots there wasn�t enough ice to support a layer of snow. We weren�t going to sled across the lake as I�d done previously; we were going to sled into it. Gelosi quickly picked up on this idea. �Dude, I�m not doing it.� I only smiled at him, that same contented smile that I awoke with that very morning. I slowly nodded my head and made my way up the hill, Gelosi begrudgingly trudged on behind me. I�ve always been a daring child, but along with this daring has come a fixation of idiocy. I never think before I offering myself up as a guinea pig to whatever scheme my brother or friends come up with; I just did it. I was constantly jumping from higher objects or using faster wheels, always pushing myself to do something more exciting and stupid. I was seduced by risk, I loved it. It made me feel alive, and nothing compared to that feeling. Because of this need to one up myself I couldn�t just settle for simply sledding into a well below freezing lake, I had to do it in my underwear. �Gelosi, you have to promise me that if I do this, you�re going to do it right after me. Ok?� He nodded, but didn�t take his eyes off of the lake. From where we stood it seemed to be smiling, welcoming us in, promising us it would be warm. It sounds insane, but it looked warm. I began mentally check-listing things as I took off my anti-snow suit. As soon as you hit the water, spread out your arms and legs so your head doesn�t go under, check. Make sure you grab the sled before you lose it, check. And lastly, get out of the lake as fast as you can. Check. So it wasn�t a very long checklist, but I kept repeating it to myself. The wind began to pick up, it started to snow. Not heavy, no, not at all, just an annoying sprinkling that when mixed with bare skin feels like tiny B.B.�s shot at point blank. I stuck out my tongue to taste them, sort of trying to show Gelosi how easy this all was. My nose was gone, my ears were gone. The cold had claimed them and stuffed them with ice. I shielded my eyes as I stared down at the lake. I had successfully undressed myself down to my light blue boxers. I was clutching my seizuring cold body with one arm and covering my eyes with the other. I remained this way for another minute or two, I couldn�t quite convince my body to respond, it had capitulated on me. I turned around to Gelosi; he had a mixture of concern and humor on his face. But his uncontrollable laughter told me which was the more honest of the two. �Now remember, you promised you�re going to do this too. So when I bring the sled back up and start getting dressed again, you go. Ok?� He gave me a quizzical look that said, �Right-O Professor dumb ass.� And with that I lowered myself into the sled and aligned it to the top of the right-hand drainage slide. From years of experience I knew it was better to not think about the soon to be pain and just do it. Deep breath, push, go! It felt like my entire body contracted frost bite at once. My chest burned, my face went numb, I gasped as I lost my breath. I couldn�t think, all I knew was the lake was getting closer and already my body was failing. Who the hell does this stuff? The brakes on my sled were of no avail, I had too much speed already. One more second. I cursed myself for taking off my clothes, for sledding into a half frozen lake, for simply being young and, too late. When I hit the water I skidded for a good four feet. Those �good� four feet would soon become a nightmare. The skin of ice on the placid lake top exploded as my sled bounded across it, dragging me to a stop. Everything seemed to pause, I might even have blinked. Then the sled began to submerge, it felt like I had stubbed my entire body into the corner of some unforeseen table. I couldn�t contract my ribs enough to breath, I lost sense of everything. I began to sink; I was still sitting in the sled motionless, eyes and fists clenched tight. The water bit at me, I could feel my nerves fading as my legs flared with intense heat then disappeared from feeling into a forceful numbness. I felt as if I had plunged my body from the bellows of Hades into an arctic ocean. The instant flash of temperature brought me into and out of shock in a heartbeat. �Fuck.� I didn�t even scream it loud enough to be an exclamation mark, it simply passed out of my lips as I exhaled and contorted my body in the hopes of escaping the lake. I forgot about the sled, I forgot about my legs. I could feel the water churning about my stomach from the motion my legs made, but asides from that nothing registered. I was shoulder deep in icy water; I craned my chin to keep my head from going under. I knew if it did this would all become much worse, I knew I needed to get out. I lost sight of Gelosi at the top of the hill, but somehow I could sense him running to the lake side. I later found out that I had kicked the soles of my feet raw on the stones at the bottom of the lake unknowingly; my blood began to mix with the blue water. The motion of my limbs pumped enough blood into my head to make me coherent for a second. Turn around! I twisted my arms in a motion to spin myself toward shore. I could feel my calves again; they screamed to me to get them out of this water, I agreed with them. I jumped with my right arm towards the frozen outcrop of land that hung a foot above the drought lowered pool. My scrambling fingers cut open on its sharp ice as they slipped to hold on. I grabbed again with my left hand and began to pull myself in. Seconds had passed, maybe eight at the most, but still I felt like I had been fighting for hours. My body was exhausted, I don�t remember if I had yet taken a breath, my lungs were burning but I couldn�t tell because my entire body was on fire. When you reach a certain temperature of cold, your body begins to interpret the cold as heat. This is why dry ice burns you, my body was beginning to burn. I had managed to pull my torso out of the water and Gelosi dragged me further onto shore. Lastly my feet left the water, but I could not feel them, for all I knew I was still in the lake. I looked up at Gelosi, no second of recollection or silent gratitude passed between us, I simply stared and him and yelled, �You didn�t bring my clothes down!� Gelosi hurried to get my clothes from the top of the hill as I moved myself into a sitting position. Soon there after I found myself able to stand, but never in my life have I had so much difficulty putting a sock on, let alone a second layer. I managed to haphazardly dress and stiffly hop away from the lake side leaning heavily on Gelosi. �Dude, that was so cool.� Gelosi stammered out with a smile. �Yeah? You liked that?� Always happy to meet a fan, �But did it beat the time I got thrown off the hood of Ashley�s car in the parking lot doing thirty? I mean, that was pretty awesome.� We reflected on past stunts as we walked and my body convulsed from the cold. Reminiscing on times I had lost enough blood to fill a Coke can or had cheated physics by somehow not breaking an arm. There were no regrets. Never. Finally returning home five minutes later I managed to sneak past my mother change into some dry (and warm) clothes. I spent a good twenty minutes running my hands under a faucet of hot water; it felt so good. In fact I was fine. Gelosi never even asked how I was doing after the initial incident, he was angry I didn�t save him any pancakes. But this was our nature. If you walked away from a stunt then you succeeded, that was all that needed to be said about it. I had succeeded, I had lived. Gelosi never did take his turn sledding into the lake, and it wasn�t until a week later that he helped me fish out the �Black Bomber.� But then again, I never sledded into the lake again either, so I didn�t hold it against him. No serious damage was done to me from that day�s activity. According to Dr. Mom, I did achieve mild hypothermia and a slight degree of shock. And I was lucky it was only that considering how low my body temperature dipped. But according to me, I had achieved a new level of reckless idiocy. Voltaire wrote, �...the safest course is to do nothing against one's conscience. With this secret, we can enjoy life and have no fear from death.� I find the only way to live is to constantly challenge that voice that tells me to stop. Idiotic stunts are what make my breath catch in my throat, make me feel like I am alive. For that split second before the sled hits the water you are made to reflect your worth, your life; and I�ve never been disappointed. It was just another cold February morning, so I went outside and lived.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------DISTORTION. Guitars distort sound. Its beautiful. I want to distort my life. DISTORTION. LIVE--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Rx Bandits - Analog Boy. Listen to it up until the vocals start with "and im onboard in a digital world." The slow progression...the opening lyrics. I dont know, i play it all the time, just the opening. Try it, its great. Try to cut it before the drums start picking up, just sit with the opening...its a good song. LIE.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I have a nickle...want to make a run for it? The border isnt as far as it could be, we can do this together. Just whisper please and i wont ask any questions, ill turn the keys and leave. Leave. Lie. Life. Live. Leave.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Deconstructing Chris. LOOK MOM! He isnt happy? Is he alright, sure hun, lets just walk away. WALK THE FUCK AWAY! Yeah...we all know about this. Because everyone loves to talk. GO AHEAD AND TALK. One more mouthful and they will be happy for it. Why are you so angry young man? Please, share with the court room. Well Officer...i guess it all started when i realized this perfect bliss i was entangling myself in was actually hell. Because someone decided one nite to strip me of my blinders. I was wearing rose colored glasses, i was happy, i was honestly so happy. I was in love. But they took that from me when they took my home. When they took my livelihood. I had nowhere left to go but down. I had been esteemed and lifted, i was floating for weeks. AND WHEN I FELL I BROKE EVERYTHING. And while i lay broken no one extended a hand. I pulled myself from that pit nail by fucking nail. MOVE ON CHRIS. WHY CAN"T YOU MOVE ON. BECAUSE I FUCKING DIDNT WANT TO! DONT CALL HER CHRIS< IT WILL MAKE YOU SEEM WEAK! WEAK!!!!!!! I'll tell you what weak is. Weak is not having the compulsion in your body to breath. To sit, and stop thinking, and shut down, and struggle with yourself to just inhale. No, i dont feel like it anymore, ill be fine without it. Inch by inch, and when i finally pulled myself out WEEKS later, it wasnt me. I wasnt skin, i was scar. My entire being was hunks of stictched scar tissue. I REMEMBER! How cant i when every look in the mirror is this ragged face of hate. DONT EVER TELL ME I WASNT TRUE HONEST LOVE. I was, but when i fell i could only take the most vital thing with me from the pit. I was too weak to carry it all, i lost everything about myself while struggling to live, to take that next breath until i couldnt hold the last one anymore. BYE! BYE! BYE! BYE! BYEBYEBYEBYEBYE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHSCREAMYOUHATEME! I left it behind, and i got left behind. Ever see those hitchhikers, the ones you wonder why they are even bothering to hitchhike because you dont see any way in hell they would get picked up? They look like utter hell, raggedly, wet from the present storm, holding torn cardboard and praying for a heated dry car. But you regretfully know that no one will pick them up. I stood with my thumb out in the rain for weeks...no one picked me up. Not one of my friends came to me. Where were you Chris...Did i help you enough? No...i know i didnt. I didnt deserve your help, im sorry i asked. Ill stop asking. YOU WANTED TO HELP ME! YOU CANT! When you leave behind alcohol and all your memories of problems and life as it is stem from alcohol then you cant rely on alcohol to be your salvation and help you. BECAUSE IT IS YOUR PROBLEM! I wont take another sip. My brother. My sister. My Mother. My Father. They helped me...or atleast tried. ANDREW! YOU ARE THE GREATEST FUCKING MAN I KNOW! in all entirety and respect, i wish to be as selfless and caring as you. You are the epitimy of our family, you are our soul. Kate, always offering. You didnt know what to do, you felt bad, i know. But you wanted to be, thank you. Mom, your caring and concern were so nice...so supportive. I know you wanted me better, but i dont know to even now what could help me. So thanks. Dad, your quiet love, thank you. You are scared for me, you want me to be and to be all. I know, i know. Robin, my distraction, my belief, my trust. Thank you. Life is compromise, upheavel, and moving on. Its like sailing, your whole life is done along the ocean. You cant fight the ocean, there is nothing to fight. Its just atoms, MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF FUCKING ATOMS. All binding to eachother in complete chaos to form water, each a seperate molecule playing no favorite to anything. CRASHING AMONG EACHOTHER IN SOME INSANE DANCE OF THE SURF. AGAIN AND AGAIN MOVING OUT! NEVER RELYING ON EACHOTHER! SEPERATE BUT TOGETHER. Life is lived among the waves. You never know what the upcoming is more than what you can see along the tide. You have to move with life, you have to sit amongst the blue and take it. If you fight the ocean, tye your sail to tight and try to wrestle it IT WILL SNAP YOU IN HALF! IT WILL THROW YOU TO THE DEEPS AND THAT WILL BE IT. Life is spent among the waves...life is spent seperate but together among the waves.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------BE A FUCKING FRIEND. BE SOMEONES FRIEND. BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE. BE LOVE. LIES LIES LIES LIES.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Jen is a good hearted person.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Delaying, delaying life, storage, happiness, split level duplex with weatherproof siding and green shutters. A small stool in a double cross loft. Sweater vest no sleeves. WHATEVER YOU THINK, I MEAN WHATEVERS GONNA MAKE YOU WANT ME. GO ON AND DRESS ME!!! ILL BE ATTRACTIVE!!!! no...no no no. I want to be adored by them, by them. each and every. hah. ha.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I spend enough time alone as is. Lonely, tired, dullated. Dull ated. Exasperated, exaserbated. EXHAUSTED. fearful, neglectful, wanting. How does it feel to want? It feels pretty fucking needy. It feels pretty. I dont feel pretty. I tried to feel good about myself today, about my image, my face. But everytime i stared into peoples faces as they past me i just felt isolated. They stared at my shoes, at my hair, well FUCK THEM! I HATE THIS FUCKING SCHOOL AND I HATE WHAT MY FUCKING LIFE IS AMOUNTING TO! Iv never felt so alive, iv never felt so angry. WHAT KIND OF FUCKING GAME IS THIS!? LOVE LIFE LIVE LIE. LIE. LIE. God is a comedian playing to an audience too scared to laugh. WELL IM FUCKING LAUGHING!! HAHAHAHAHA! Beat me down, opress me, COME ON AND DRESS ME! ILL BE YOUR MANNEQUIN! whats new for fall...? Me, im here. And im tired of being nice. This is about me, selfish little ass hole who lost his way and his bindings. Friends...? Where the hell are they? I dont see them...i dont see them...i dont.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I DONT LIKE PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT ME! FUCKING STOP IT. JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Friends...hah. Everyone fucking hates me.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------He fucking hates me. Shit.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Remind me not to ever act this way again. I feel so torn and scorned. I feel iv lost my best friend. He talks to you more than he talks to me. What the fuck does that say about me. I am an ass, i am a loser, i am nothing amazing. I miss my friend. Two nites ago i was asked if there was anybody in my life who changed everything, who bears such a distinct smile and personality that when i see it reflected in new people i meet i instantly take to them because they remind me of that person. Some person who is so self defining and such a great character that no one can replace them, someone who will always be remembered through all the posers you cross. With out even pausing to consider my answer i said "Gelosi". Its fucking you man, its all fucking you.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have a guitar. I suck. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sucessfully hating myself. So easy, so fun. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- if you're stupid and you know it...stay away. Come on...i need you to tell me i am one. You're stupid, happy? Yeah, i guess i am.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LIFE. LIVE. Thats it. find your Livelihood, find your calling, find yourself, find your motivation, find your aura, find your hope. HOPE. LIFE. LIVE. My best friend is Chris Cangelosi. I used to say he was just like me, but he's not. Hes better than me. He's so much better than i am. Miss you man, a lot. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For Sebastian and the girl Belle, Sebastian was ok but oh Belle, Went too far again. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Look out the window, i saw you sleeping there on the couch. Look out the front door, i saw you standing there on the street. Did i make you smile, did you see me standing there. By the couch, by the front door. I was there, with you. I was there, together but seperated. Where the ocean meets the shore, together...but seperate. We were there, on the shore. Together, but seperate. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cherish truth, pardon error. If you hadn't met somebody in a long time who loves life as much as she does then you would fall for a 15 year old as well. Thats 15 to 40 right? Everyman is guilty of all the good he didnt do. Here, give me your dishes. Reason consists of always seeing things as they are. Id go there for you but i dont know when i dont know where. Itll be ok. If we dont find anything pleasent, atleast we'll find something new. Ch-Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes. Time may change me, but i cant chase time.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"" "" "" "" semi colan "" "" "" "" backspace delete. Delta. Nuavo-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"Your Awful." I know. When you finally find yourself with how you want to interact with everyone, it changes how you interact with a specific minority. Anytime your tone changes for one instance it moves away from a set way of already acting in another instance. By being yourself, you lose something as well. Cant be flirty, cant be talkative, cant be open and answer questions. Cant just be civil and nice and appreciative. It isnt right, it seems almost belittling, it seems almost trivial. Suck.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Last nite everything was right the rain was gone. But one nite doesnt mean the rest of my life. So let go.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------GRAD FAIR. SCOAREBOARD. PASTA. DOES YOUR PHONE GET IT? I love it, i love it all. lets all play make believe. We can all be happy if just for this tiff of a moment. Smile, weeeeeeeee, isnt it fun. PASTA! YAY! PASTA! Get some shut eye, you'll need it. Tomorrow is a long billowing day filled with make believe. No one is true, they are all just beards, masks of themselves. They change in their rooms each morning as the prep for that boy in their 10 AM or that blonde in their 11:20. Prep, change, coersce. Plain and prejudice. No one is me, no is yourself. Be Me. Its horrifically fun. I lie.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I made up a statement today, bold rash, daring, wonderfully funderfully mad. Im piecing it together as i type. Zoned out, dont feel like being here just yet. Wish i was still there, shallowly graveling. Expecting pity yet expecting more so self blame. Self doubt. Self control. Self assurance. Self confidence. Self awareness. Self empowerment. Self embitterness. Dry words from an embittered man, boy, child, it. I know these words well, hell, im writing them right now. All this onward unravelment of LIFE, LOVE, LIVE, etc. Do you believe it? Your saying no to yourself. Fine, good, you have your standpoint now, so get up on that fucking soap box and preach you self righteous fuck. Self indulgent. Self diluted. Self preservation. Self included. Self destruct. Im wired to blow, pull my finger. Hah, shutup.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Chievi is my bear. My new name is enjoui. And my current favorite read is Squee. I like basing myself around names that have the same amount of, if not more, vowels than consanents. I find this an interesting change from ordinary vocabulary. Aeideilene, Aesop, and fredric. Fredric fights, just think about it. Frederic fits, jus tink aboot es. Jus tink aboot es. Yes, that is how i want you to say it. Fuck consanents, word the rolling of letters, forget about the heavy ended worded with its "duh" or "tah" ending. Just leave it off, or enunciate it in a way to make the vowels sound better. Fuck up your speech. Make something more compelling...make voices. Blandness is death. emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is godliness and god is empty just like me.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Are you drinking enough tea?-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Im creating a society to end the encessant rape of animals by man. Should animals be coerrced into sickle celled sex with horribly gratuitous humans? Do they really wish to indulge in some form of incestual barnyard intercourse in a slave master roleplay. Is it right, by sheer ownership to posses the rights to so said animals genitalia? I say free the mighty cows cunt and let loose the steeds hard cock. No more shall we subject them to this incredibly horrific form of self pleasure. Who the fuck has sex with animals anyways? So wrong...so wrong.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I just walked into my room, its 4 in the morning, its stifling. Smells like popcorn and wet dog. I went sledding today down a thickly entrenched hill riding squarly in a rubber-maid storage container. It was thrilling to feel this way again. I breathed, and for once felt my breathe caught in my mouth. It was all i could do not to just scream and laugh and bite the air. It had a crispness to it, like when people describe air as electric before a thunderstorm, only it was with anticipation. I was looking forward to today, for once, for ever. No, it wasnt this wishwashy and all epifinany momentous. It was more like, i really like what im doing right now. All i can do is ask myself, do i like what im doing right now. yeah, i think i do.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------as long as i keep my activity ahead of my anxiety----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------suck it out. leave it out. put it back in. never the same one twice. never the same one ever again. suck it out. put it back in.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Hours away from anywhere...trying my damnest to just be here------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I'll be forever grateful too. Wear me like a necklace...yet you hesitate. Do any of you recognize this, slit my throat to reveal your mask. Leashed like a choker to the base of your chin, your neck pales as i hold on tighter. Breath, blow, breathe. tethered like a noose, dangling for show, for FASHION. A pretty little appenditure.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I know how it ends. Kill me quickly. Im already dead.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------trying trying. Your alive, really, im so fucking happy. No one notices, but i do. We might be statistics, another hat on the sidewalk. But we arent just another snowflake falling on lot 80. Just another practically identical piece of temporary establishment. Snow will come and go, like thousands of students will pass through this fucking campus, but they will have no definite impact. Like the snow they will be noticed as a whole, just another class of students. But no individual will be lasting, they will just live as the collective. We will not. We refuse to not. We will be those huge fucking plows that drive away the masses upon lot 80's paved surface. We will demand attention, gather the crowds and move them. Literally. They will see us, understand, and beg for us to move them so they can follow where we lead. They will want to be, they will desire to be, they will be. We will make a difference, we will clear the way for the next snow, but not until we make something of the current. We will not be cleared by someone else's plow, we will not follow, we will lead. Stand apart. Be. Be Me. Be Me.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------SOMEDAY!!! yeah, it hurts...but i wont stray. always, always.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------They say it doesnt happen that often but its happening right now. Im writing you this letter to let you know im not alright. And in this city the streets still paved with hate. Cry yourself to sleep tonite and say, "no there aren't enough love songs in the sky." Like the devil in your eyes...will you look back on these city streets? Every nite when i try to sleep i feel your hands all over my body. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Taste the pain...im not thinking about it again. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------THESE WALLS!!!! THESE WALLS!!!! Its so fucking cliche. I dont have the power to break down these walls. But are they keeping me in, or are they keeping it all out? Am inside or am i outside? Are they working for me or agaisnt me? Why have i never noticed them before. Theres this burning, likes theres always been, but iv never noticed it before. Iv never been so alive. And the ash flies in your eyes...this is me. This is us. I hope you take a piece of me with you. There are things i would like to be that you just dont believe in. Iv never been so alone, iv never been so alive. These walls and this burning. If im stuck here ill be taken alive, consumed by my own fire. Its so welcoming, inviting, take me. You wonder who i am, but theres this burning. Iv never been so alone, iv never been so alive.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Hold you so tight it would break my arms. Hold you so close it would stop my heart. Hold you...to hold you.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Because you make me feel so wonderful. Because death is the only real adventure. Because we're here, now. Because i believe in it. Because i want to. Because its the only thing i have left. Because regret isnt living, and because living is all i have. Because i said so.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Fighters, give in...free ride. No, ill never be this happy again. Im missing... missing out.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Searching. Savoring. Sweet. Sour. Saving. Sitting. Surveying. Simple. Soon. Sunrise. Sunset. Seed. Sedated. Help. Help. Help. Im searching for a reason to be me tonite. Savoring the sweet flavor of my own individuality. But it is sour, as am i. Im saving myself, saving myself from myself. By sitting, here, at this desk...waiting. Im surveying my options, what to do, what do be. You are all i want to do, so simple, so fucked up. Its too soon, i dont want it but i think about it. Another sunrise, the day has past and still all is the same. Another sunset, the day has past and still all is the same. I need to grow into something more, need to plant myself as a seed into something purposful. Sedated, i need to escape myself, save myself from myself. Help, i need to lose my mind for an hour, be dead for an hour. Help, i need to escape this tomb and breath. Help, i am not acting right.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Frustrate. Frantic. Foster. Fluster. Facilitate. Foundation. F(ph)antom. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Im frustrated to a point of becoming frantic. I dont know how to foster my feelings to a sense of purity. Im flustered, lost, worried, disentegrating my thoughts into a pool of some fuck up reality. Trying to find a reason to facilitate my actions, create a purpose, a reason. I have foundation, but iv torn them all up and started anew and anew and anew. These f(ph)antom legs are carrying me to my demise. Fuck, im so lost. Fuck, im not acting right. Fuck, i know i regret.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tell me the story where you cry. And what do i get for this pain? It doesnt yet feel like freedom, in fact it will never. I know i can, but i know i cant. I dont want to but i feel i shouldnt, Iv lost my drive. Motivate me to kill. .m.y.s.e.l.f.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------go go go-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I have 18 fingers from which i spawn the work of 48 genius' combining all the greatiness of this spanning kingdowm to just create a single work of inifity. Tell me the story where you cry. thell em the one aobut the man who finds that special oneness. its just a word, its just a wirtten story of words. i know what it means. iv found themeaningn toto it all. if iv found the meaning to tit all. i can watch my fingers type and know that what is being said ies exactly right. please, try to undersand. il just bow my heada nad let my mind guide my finers...the keys arent important. not anymore . they are simply the cblock to stop my message. convery. convery with me. understand. please...ok...ok its just enough for me to fall in love with you, its just enough for me to fall in love with you. with noting yet fall through. im trying to catch up. but im stuck i cant undersatnd why people rush so quickly headstraight into tsomething that is so full of ucertainty. it is uncertainity the whole aspect is filled with fear. dont yyou understand we alla re scared. im terrified we all are. the only support is within the two of all of us. it all is simple tryuyst in foconfusion. yu trust in confusion. as long as we are together is it all just makes so much sense. you are my reason. reason is based upon self inflicted and infclicted upon lawas, rules, regulations. Ic changed my accordance to make everything fit just for you. rfor you. for you. dont you jdertsanst dthat it wasnt about what was right and what was wrong, it was about what i had to do to remain in this state. to hage everything be right about us and you ane me and ebverything that i ever wantec to have and to hold. it wasnt about whato was wrong and what we did. it wasnt about the past it wasnt about anthin oabny any any of this. it was simply baout you trying to hold me. and you tyring to love me. and you trying ot fuck me. i hwanted to try tall of this with you. i twnated to tye any of this with you. i wanteed all of this with you. i watned to stop using my thumbt o press this psace bar and jhust compbine all of my words to one sitring i could try around your neck. i wanted to wrap you in a concscious rope of all my love and just have you undersatnd, yuou undersatnd. iyou know. i know you inkow. i i cant aopen my eyes. i dont want to see what it looks like. its isnt about perfe iton. I know it isnt about perfcetiln perfection. i cant tyupe fast enough, my fingers are lfying i cant evern feell the tekeys anymore, i cant wathc, my eyes are closed and im gusindtg myself based of nite after nite of typing tupnig tin the hopes of aevryting working out. everything working out. did it work out? nodidd it work out yes wdid d d i did it wourk out> I think today ill try and kiss you on your kps...on your cheeks. i hope you let me die i hope you liet me dgo go go go gog og. its all about the midnite and the lust and the meaning and the only street i waished to evber bring myself to cross is a won one way that iv already dfinsiehd. ic come to the end of this one arleady, i v seen how this one ends, i know the tutu true meaning of all of it is simple to continue acros sthat pathl. that side street that no one esees. IS AW IT SIS IS AW IT!!! can you fucking here hear me. i saw it i found you i found us. i found eveyrhting that you atrre serafhincg for. I went donw it until you bloced me. til you sent the wolves to chase me off. ARIENTEETE AREIENETTE AIRENETTER till the wolves are waway. fucking udnerstant! till the wolves are away. but you relezsed them upon me. they arte may heart. they ate my heart straight form my body, i have nothing left to fcoarse nmyself full with. huslk husk...simply a huish. al l of this is danrkesse. my w4eyesa re sgone. I cant opne my eyes, my finers wont properly type. Can you read this? honestly, u i cant see...can you? iv stumbled thorugh the woods, iv loset your path and the road and am running from the wolves running from life. There are so many paths in these woods, iv crosswed atelast a dozen. but none have i taken. i m still running through poison poison ivy everyuhwere. trees harharsh brackets full of hate and thistle. IM RUNNING IM RUNNING but i have no direciton. My path was stipped of me and now im lost to wander wonder to be be me be me to be be me. i have no direction, we';ve lost our meaning. Im going to find a new path once the wolves leave...one tim allowed to correctly go about eveyrthiun. ill start afresh and wait till the day that our paths cross again. tehy will. these woods are wild, but they arent isolated. we awill meet...i swear. myt haeart is gone, but my mind remains. no heart, al mind. Remember...heart is memory. we only have today to make memories. i regret nothihgn.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Making your mind..making my own. Loave and life and happy afternoon. A warmth that doesnt fade and no breeze can break. Something i can stare into on the nite air and just know that this is all, athat this is all and this is all for ever. Just ever. To not embrace, to not hold, to simply coexist and love and lay without a communal thought, but our own. Individuals existing not through shared characteristics, but existing because by being individuals they rely on one another. Its not as sipmle as being one anothers completion, its about being more. Its about never being completed, constantly growing and changing the way you are and never being done with it. That they constatnyl change as well, but still fit. no matter how much we all change they still fit, always fitting, interelocking simply by being there. Lying on a van roof watching the fucking stars. One leg bent up towards the sky, arms at your side, hair in disarray as the air moves about you. Still, serence, simple. Nothing more. No touching at all, its just being there. Fucking being there. But you could be anywhere and it would still be so perfect. Just finding out the right way to begin, finding hope in life. I want a moment...there is no longer a first moment for me. Iv expereinced it all, iv been there. Ask me about it, check my bumper sticker, iv fucking been there. Want to know what its like? Its amazing. Its everything. It is the reason. Wonder ever why all of this is made possible or for or anything. its for companionship, for love. There is nothing else that aging can provide you with but more and stronger ties with other people. you lose everyting else with age but love and frienship. grow...grow old with me as your companion. Companion...company. NOt a single person is awake or online right now, its 430. I have an exam tomorrow...j and some girl he knows are chilling in the study lounge. Its an all niter nite...lets all stay up. Come on, come kick it with me. I have some good stories, iv been there and in some manners im still there. You dont come back, not immediately. Thats why i cant start again yet, why i havent started over, why im locked into some infaernal sspireal of indulgence and pity. When love drags you to the ends of fucking anything, to the ends of sanity, it leaves you there. And your left withot and cosparceity thought provisonary wonderous provoking of numerical ambivalnce, its just is. Its just is. you remain and you stay and you wander wonder. But your not alone...unless you are left alone. In that case it is your worst nightmare. You wander wonder alone, you are left provoking thought and meaning and ambivalence by yourself, and you find all your answers to be blame and imbalance. BEcause you arent balanced you are alone. BE ALONE. BE ME. BE ME> BE ME. its so funsily ironic athat all of this is just the perfect pill to put an end to it all. fuck it, im going oto explore everything i can find here before i come back. im not leaving, not yet. im doing it on my own though, im finding what it is that draws you here what it is that demands all of us to travel our entire lives to come to this starting point and travel on past it. iv been to the gates, iv moved along them to a place where extreme benevolance and belief were gaiety about everything. Simsuits and lakes of placid enjoyment, where that feeling of wrechedness in your stomach becomes on of constant joyful anxiety. its just perfefction through ever motion because once you have this path selected and youv made your journery its just right, its all so right. I felt so right. I still am stuck in this world of feeling right while evbertying about me is so entirely wrong. thats why im lost...because i cant leave here, not just yet. I need time to return to the gates, to once again find reason ton pass through them. im trapped, stuck, concerned. concerned for how long ill have to stay here... i cant stay much longer. Wander Wonder is killing me.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------It doesnt seem obvious to hide. Im shedding my skin. Iv adapted to what meaning i could suffice, but its left me. And once again im in a state of resurrection. I may have gone down but im arising, pulling myself from shutter to shutter, climbing. There are so many of us. Just climbing, and so many are continuessly falling. But i know better than that, this time, i know better. Im going got climb, i have my sights set on something less personable, less materialistic, something that isnt a hopeful endeavor, but myself. I have my sights set on me. I dont wish to rely on people. To detach myself and grab onto others queries to 'fit in'. I dont want to impress, i dont want to be known, im seperating from recognition. It takes time, i want to brag and plea but im stopping myself. Itll be me, no alone, but silent and verevalent. Join my legion of the quiet wanderer. We are many but we are one. Its LIFE, for yourself. Its LOVE, for everyone. But above all, its LOVE of your LIFE. To LIVE, its great to be alive.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Its writing frenzy time, so much is bearing down on me that i doubt i can get it out before i just let it settle in me. Its amazing how much of a product can be put into a container when strained and dried. I feel like im just adding content upon content into myself. And slowly it starts to block itself in, clogs itself from escape. Im not bitter anyway...let it go. I never sleep still. Im not bitter anyway...but i didnt want it to turn out this way. Im in the process of reevaluating life. LIFE. When i stare at it it holds the same conotations as LOVE. more than some stupid 4 letter scribble, its an embodiment. Like whoever created it poured something more behind it so that when you truly understand it wont be just a word, but a connection. Like speech and writing is more than just ink and pen but is actually heartfelt understanding. Understanding of life and sin and harboring of feelings. Writers, writers know this. They gain access to these secret meanings within words. Every year growing their own vocabularly till a sentence is enough to bring them to their knees. For those of us who dont yet know this, thats poetry. Its elongation of something one word can tell us, but drawn out so that you can connect to it. Its the key, poetry, music, art. Its the key to understanding words. Ever meet someone who was very articulate, i bet they were smart as hell and had a really good hand on writing or poetry or music. But did they have depth, soul? No, they read the fucking dictionary and get nothing. I want to be destroyed by an arrangement of 3 words. Give me soul, give me honesty and life. LIFE. LOVE. LIVE.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------If life were more like a movie it would simply not be fulfilling at all. I guess in order to enjoy life you have to just smile at all the shit it shovels your way. In fact, break out your own push broom and just pull it in towards you. To live is to experience every feeling of emotion there is. And in order to especially enjoy a feeling you have to have experienced its opposite, so if bliss is truly attainable you have to view it from the gutter. You have to smile, and just say to yourself, "someday...someday."---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Im attached, jealously attached. And no good will come of this. Im without strength to seperate myself, nor do i wish to seperate myself. I want to be. Be Me... Be Me... Be Me... It isnt fair. Life isnt fair. Love isnt fair. None of this is fair. What are you doing for Valentines day? Does it matter? No. Im not allowed to do what i want to do. Because life isnt fair. Stop rape of animals on campus. Is it so wrong that i want to have sex with an animal? Its not exactly like that, its complicated. Far too complicated for me to make this any less vague. Its too hard to break out into the open, Henry keeps asking about it but i have a two week waiver. Im waving, waving good bye and hello. Aloha. Your either coming or you just left, but your always on the way. Im on the way. Excited to see where i end up, very excited. Very scared.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Nickelodeon... haha... haha... haha... ha---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Hi Ho Silverware! Yes--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I will wait for you, if you will wait for me. Last nite i drew on a tunnel something that i thought i had inside of me. I looked at what i drew again today and was disgusted by it. Its lack of form, contrast, and meaning. It was just lines, lines that had no meaning, and i hated it. I hated it so much that i never want to take credit for it. Im going to try again tonite, or maybe next week. But this time i need to plan. Im learning that i cant simply create by whim anymore, that i need thought, planning, approach. I was excited by my ability to create, but dissapointed with what i made. It will be better next time, this was only the first.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Im not stupid, well, on occasion. Lets create a wonderland, tired of comparison. Open the doors, unhinge the gates, its too late tonite to start it over. One last turn of the LP, one last listen to the EP, no more recollection of things that never change. Im going to fill my head with tiny thoughtful dreams and tiny dreamless thoughts. Yes, tonite is tonite.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------find, be, be by. We don't need no oxygen. Struggled breath and staggered air, suppressive nature and rugged stare. Massive venture meets timid excursion, mindless babble leads to intimate immersion. Hold on, hold back, hold within. Hold within.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Hush Puppy Green says, "Only you can procure creative ambivalence."-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------When they first told me she had cancer, i laughed. When they tracked me down a second time and told me it was serious i laughed again. Good riddance. When it came time for her to die, i killed her. Slowly at first, then quick and efficiently. When they told me she was dead, i cried.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Eight Days and counting till I'll be dying. Far from this land and flying onwards to home. This tylenol may seem funny, but only when the caps are insecure. So stay with me awhile, iv got a pullout...we can all just get along. Im sure that this is temporary, im temporary too. Iv rented a space on this earth for the next eight days. Cash deposits please, no one forgets when some one leaves. Light my candle and burn my ashes, stay at home and seek the second hand. I'll be swept up by morning, ill expect youll all have left the mourning too...------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------You would make the world's most awful blind person. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"I just want to see him, just to touch him, to feel his breath one last time..." She stammered off into a precise of exasperated Hims and i just want. "But mom, it isn't him anymore. I'll take you to see him, but you have to control yourself and understand." "I understand...i understand..." They drove in a steep silence, the same shattered family who once couldn't control their volume on long rides now drowned out by nothing. "I think this is the exit." "Ok mom." The small peach sedan pulled off the highway towards Rowan Street. They were going to go see a man they had never met, yet who held a piece of their hearts. A few speculative turns after their exit they pulled up at a shady grew duplex. "I just want to say hello, he doesn't even have to know who we are." "Ok mom, but i cant do this, im going to wait in the car. Please, just dont hurt him, let him live. Thats what hes been givin." Mrs. Thompson leaned heavily on her cane, being more dependent on the feel of it on her hand than anything else. "Knock Knock" She drags in her breath, she doesnt know what she is going to say. The door opens and a young man only in his mid-twenties appears. "Yes?" She says nothing, but steps closer. "Excuse me, can i help you?" He asks again. She takes another step, and another until she is right under his chin. Mrs. Thompson isn't a very short lady, but he is atleast 6'2, and on a step up from hers. "Please." She hisses out quietly. "Please, just say, 'i love you mom, its me and i love you..." She breaks into tears before she can say anymore and begins to hold this man who bears no relation to her. He suddenly understands and holds her back. Kissing her head he leans close to her ear and whispers "Its me mom, its me. I love you, mom, i love you..." They both stand on his threshold crying into eachothers arms. The woman in the car watches them, she is Mrs. Thompson's daughter. They are all that is left of their once happy family. Two months earlier Mr. Thompson and his son we're involved in a car accident. They were both killed. The son was an organ donor. The man that is holding Mrs. Thompson recieved her son's lungs. She wanted to hear his breath one last time, to feel a piece of him that still lived on. To hear him say one last time, "i love you, mom, i love you."-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Your right...iv hurt you three times as much as youv hurt me. Except everytime i did it i had you in mind, i felt awful, torn apart, like the lowliest scum for doing what i was doing. I was apologetic, regretful, sorry, desperate, and caring. You, you aren't these, this is different, this is about you. You are self centered, you claim you feel awful yet the only words of consolation are "FUCK YOU" and "YOUR THE BIGGEST BASTARD I CAN THINK OF." There are no sorry's, simply the push of blame onto me, iv done nothing wrong, so deal. You arent a friend, friends feel and act sorry. You arent sorry, your happy, gloatful. So "ENJOY" lindsey, enjoy...-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tramatized (1:07:13 AM): its like driving home in the rain with the top down and having the enigmatic rush Tramatized (1:07:20 AM): you breathe and for once your breathe... Tramatized (1:07:42 AM): and you become whole before becoming golden Tramatized (1:07:47 AM): it's love and love and love Tramatized (1:08:02 AM): and its not like you want to shout it, because you dont Tramatized (1:08:21 AM): you want to hold it and let it become you, until you are called love not by that which loves you...but by everyone Tramatized (1:08:41 AM): it's like being at peace and at war. my piano is the keyboard Tramatized (1:08:59 AM): i like to dance with cinderella. if only she'd come around sometime...... Tramatized (1:09:19 AM): and i want to swallow my mind and digest my body till i know what it is i am Tramatized (1:09:36 AM): and when its over ill just leave...because ill be gone, but it wont be sad....itll just be.... Tramatized (1:09:52 AM): forever young... like a ripe toast bread Tramatized (1:10:27 AM): of wet honey and fighting silence.... to be stable to be real... or normal... or neautral... what you call it... Tramatized (1:10:55 AM): I call it truth, because its you and you are your own honesty because though you question yourself its the only answer you have Tramatized (1:12:57 AM): honesty...milk, a huge bowl of porridged milk just sitting on my table and im not hungry, but hunger...hunger...starve, thirst Tramatized (1:13:37 AM): life is good. life is quiet. and i can make froends. even without a money to spend Tramatized (1:13:57 AM): dig a tunnel. to the center of the universe. well her ei am dont how kto us Tramatized (1:14:00 AM): ontlgfg Tramatized (1:14:24 AM): i want to dig a tunnel to the other side of myself Tramatized (1:14:31 AM): and see myself from a new perspective Tramatized (1:15:46 AM): decent i am... bird herei am say this knowledge... you only friaser when youre around meeeee. hit it. well here iam... im durnk knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwi t is wholte score when youtr not around me... to shut me out. dont shut me out. to shut me out . TO SHUT ME OUT!!! dont count me out. Tramatized (1:16:00 AM): oh yeah, dibt me around the corner nleeeed muthefuceeker Tramatized (1:16:26 AM): its weird Sarrrrrrrrrrrrr (1:16:28 AM): ? Tramatized (1:16:32 AM): but you know how simple it is Sarrrrrrrrrrrrr (1:16:42 AM): what are you talking about? Tramatized (1:16:48 AM): holy and ture maddam Tramatized (1:17:10 AM): this is poetry this is poetry this is what i call beautiful Tramatized (1:17:38 AM): i know what it means to be alive Tramatized (1:17:46 AM): i have better thngs to do with my life than to live Sarrrrrrrrrrrrr (1:17:50 AM): whats it mean? Tramatized (1:17:51 AM): i dont think...i dont think Tramatized (1:18:03 AM): do you fancy poetry? Sarrrrrrrrrrrrr (1:18:10 AM): yea Tramatized (1:18:11 AM): its texture, its slowness...its wave Tramatized (1:18:18 AM): yes? Sarrrrrrrrrrrrr (1:18:23 AM): yes Tramatized (1:18:27 AM): my socks are poetry Tramatized (1:18:32 AM): when i wake and am sad Tramatized (1:18:37 AM): they become my second life Tramatized (1:18:41 AM): and i wear them on my hands Tramatized (1:18:44 AM): and i channel myself into them Tramatized (1:18:51 AM): and they become the voice that was so deep inside Tramatized (1:19:04 AM): and is only brought out by some strange form of dorned cotton Tramatized (1:19:18 AM): my socks are beautiful Tramatized (1:19:25 AM): it feels weird Tramatized (1:19:33 AM): i feel like im going down really quick Sarrrrrrrrrrrrr (1:19:34 AM): your socks? Tramatized (1:19:40 AM): yes, your socks Tramatized (1:19:53 AM): ohreally Tramatized (1:19:55 AM): this whole time Tramatized (1:19:57 AM): THIS WHOLE TIME! Tramatized (1:20:01 AM): is the power of its jacket Tramatized (1:20:06 AM): we cover ourselves Tramatized (1:20:07 AM): in this mud Tramatized (1:20:27 AM): of illegal honesty, and profanic...this profanic historical evidence of the only thing that makes us human Tramatized (1:20:57 AM): to be fully aware, to be wholly assumptious of the cosmetic structure and inner takings of retarded blocks retarded blocks on the end of wires in a circular motion Tramatized (1:21:02 AM): That IS>...... Tramatized (1:21:06 AM): the period Tramatized (1:21:08 AM): periods Tramatized (1:21:27 AM): home is the only place where targeted monospicious is the function of wahat it means to be in a telephone Tramatized (1:21:29 AM): in a battery Tramatized (1:21:34 AM): i a battery in a telephone Tramatized (1:21:48 AM): to shut yourself from the only thing that as a thing is encountered to make us human Tramatized (1:21:51 AM): and...and and and Tramatized (1:21:57 AM): and yet, as much as i thnk and as much as i feel Tramatized (1:22:02 AM): there is nothing that makes sense Tramatized (1:22:16 AM): besides this one whole moment of catastrophe of a sentence Tramatized (1:22:19 AM): ; Tramatized (1:22:21 AM): sometimes Tramatized (1:22:30 AM): i feel like my guitar is more human than i am Tramatized (1:22:45 AM): no no...more human than the people that i surround myself with Tramatized (1:22:49 AM): there is no way Tramatized (1:23:00 AM): to bring it about Tramatized (1:23:52 AM): its this magical historical fundamental...its critical hysterical momentary infinite boisterious crowsical shinical fantastical experience in outer spice with the mice Tramatized (1:23:53 AM): with the mice Tramatized (1:23:55 AM): with the mic Tramatized (1:23:57 AM): with the mice Tramatized (1:24:00 AM): with the mice Tramatized (1:24:44 AM): you see its not...its not your grade that really matters, it not your GPA that determines your length, its more of a subconscious clockwatch where your living under glass and fingerprint Tramatized (1:25:06 AM): yet when you rise above, there is a surface that you reach. AND YOU COULD ALMOST SWEAR...you could almost swear, that that surface is a cloud Tramatized (1:25:27 AM): its born, it dies, it runs occasionally has sex, but the cloud is still human Tramatized (1:25:33 AM): the cloud is still natural Tramatized (1:25:46 AM): the wood is still natural in its wooden K-mart catastrophe Tramatized (1:25:54 AM): because there is nothing that hurts more than a catastrophe Tramatized (1:26:04 AM): especially when that catastrophe is the girl that you have loved for your entire life Tramatized (1:26:19 AM): theres a light Tramatized (1:26:29 AM): theres a lite at the end of the tunnel that i see. Tramatized (1:26:35 AM): I see it everytime i wake up Tramatized (1:26:39 AM): i see it everytime i go to sleep Tramatized (1:26:46 AM): i see it when i go to class Tramatized (1:26:54 AM): i see it when i play in the commons Tramatized (1:27:04 AM): i see it when i buy cds and music and film Tramatized (1:27:09 AM): i see it too much Tramatized (1:27:22 AM): and that too much is what makes me think that humans = shit Tramatized (1:27:28 AM): but not all ofthem Tramatized (1:27:30 AM): no Tramatized (1:27:37 AM): you cant say all of them yousee Tramatized (1:27:55 AM): because, saying all of them is a disgrace, its a fcking crime equal to murder Tramatized (1:28:05 AM): because somepeople are not full of shit Tramatized (1:28:16 AM): and some people have value whlie others might not Tramatized (1:28:55 AM): yet the contrasting part, the part that destroys me, the part that ciorrupts every part that i have, is how can a valuable important person that is [beautiful] can bring himself or herself to commit suicide Tramatized (1:29:16 AM): that is thee , probably the ultimate catastrophe of being an observative individual Tramatized (1:29:50 AM): i dont necessarily aggre with all the things that i hear on television, because even television has let us down Tramatized (1:29:57 AM): alcohol has let us down Tramatized (1:30:06 AM): pot has brought us down Tramatized (1:30:10 AM): durgs depress us Tramatized (1:30:24 AM): they make us completely inside yet rather distant Tramatized (1:30:30 AM): distant from where you want to be Tramatized (1:31:04 AM): and its difficult, its rahter difficult, because the game isnt about pennsylvania, its about Penn State to california, to london, to dublin, to kuqait Tramatized (1:31:33 AM): all this bouncing around, sho sho shos hso, this popping upness of the inner, of hte inner foil doesnt make me concentrate Tramatized (1:31:43 AM): i wish i was a boomerang Tramatized (1:31:55 AM): so that whatever i may pass comes back in Tramatized (1:32:17 AM): its like im taking verbal shit through my mouth, speaking this thoughts out of my mouth and trying to communicate with something real Tramatized (1:32:29 AM): there is no insult Tramatized (1:32:38 AM): for people like us are in love Tramatized (1:32:47 AM): in love with eachother and with everything Sarrrrrrrrrrrrr signed off at 1:32:58 AM. Tramatized (1:33:03 AM): people like us understnad what a flower means Previous message was not received by Sarrrrrrrrrrrrr because of error (1:33:03 AM): User Sarrrrrrrrrrrrr is not available. Tramatized (1:33:08 AM): people like us understnad what a flower means Previous message was not received by Sarrrrrrrrrrrrr because of error (1:33:08 AM): User Sarrrrrrrrrrrrr is not available. Tramatized (1:34:26 AM): people like us understnad what a flower means Previous message was not received by Sarrrrrrrrrrrrr because of error (1:34:26 AM): User Sarrrrrrrrrrrrr is not available. Sarrrrrrrrrrrrr signed on at 1:36:05 AM. Tramatized (1:36:30 AM): its like im taking verbal shit through my mouth, speaking this thoughts out of my mouth and trying to communicate with something real Tramatized (1:32:29 AM): there is no insult Tramatized (1:32:38 AM): for people like us are in love with eachother and with everything. People like us understand what a flower is. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Lindsey...lindsey im so sorry. I dont mean any of this to be mean, i dont mean any of it to hurt you. Im finding myself in music, and today was especially hard for me. Dave is out tonite, Im sure he's with you, how does that make me feel? Im not angry, i understand...but its still really hard. I love you lindsey...im sorry. Have a fun nite,have yourself.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Stay with me till the wolves are away. Stop thinking, thinkings is dumb. Does he kiss your eyelids in the morning when you start to raise your head? And does he sing to you incessantly from the place between your bed and wall? Does he walk around all day at school with his feet inside your shoes? Looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you. Does he know that place below your neck that is your favorite to be touched and does he cry through broken sentences like I love you far too much? Does he lay awake listening to your breath? Worried that you smoke too many cigarettes. Is he coughing now on a bathroom floor? For every speck of tile there are a thousand more that you won�t ever see but most hold inside yourself eternally. I drug your ghost across the country and we plotted out my death. In every city, memories would whisper, Here is where you rest. I was determined in Chicago but I dug my teeth into my knees and I settled for a telephone and sang into your machine. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. And I kissed a girl with a broken jaw that her father gave to her. She had eyes bright enough to burn me. They reminded me of yours. And a story told she was a little girl in a red-rouge, sun-bruised field and there were rows of ripe tomatoes where a secret was concealed. And it rose like thunder, clapped under our hands. And it stretched for centuries to a diary entry�s end. Where I wrote You make me happy! When the skies are gray You make me happy the skies are gray! And gray! And gray!!! Well the clock�s heart it hangs inside its open chest with its hands stretched towards the calendar hanging itself but I will not weep for those dying days. For all the ones who have left there are a few that stayed. And they found me here and pulled me from the grass where I was laid.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Swiftly go the days. Sunrise, sunset. You wake up, then you undress. It always is the same. A sunrise and a sunset. You are lying while you confess, keep trying to explain. The sunrise and the sun sets you realize and then you forget what you have been trying to retain. But everybody knows that it is all about the things that get stuck inside of your head, like the songs your roommate sings or a vision of her body as she stretches out on your bed. She raised her hands in the air and asked you, When was the last time you looked in the mirror? Because you have changed. Yeah, you have changed. Sunrise, sunset. You are hopeful and then you regret. The circle never breaks. With each sunrise and sunset there is a change of heart or address. Is there nothing that remains? For a sunrise or a sunset. You are manic or you�re depressed. Will you ever feel ok? It�s a sunrise and sunset, your lover is an actress. Did you really think she would stay? For a sunrise and sunset. You are either coming or you just left but you are always on the way. Towards a sunrise or a sunset, a scribble or a sonnet. They are really just the same. To the sunrise and the sunset. The master and his servant have exactly the same fate! It�s a sunrise and a sunset. From a cradle to a casket. There ain�t no way to escape! The sunrise and the sunset. Hold your sadness like a puppet! Keep putting on the play. But everything you do is leading to the point where you just won�t know what to do! And at that moment you may laugh but there is someone there who will be laughing louder than you! So it�s true, the trick is complete. Become everything you said that you never would be. You�re a fool! You�re a fool! Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset. The sunrise and the sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Go home to your apartment and put the cassette in the tape deck and let that fever play. Sunrise, sunset. Where are you Arienette? Where are you Lindsey? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sweet Marie, there's a hole where your heart should be. And on the hill shes beggin for harmony. Sweet Marie, there's a hole where your heart should be. And on the hill shes begging for harmony. What beautiful lies youv been told. What terrible truths drown your soul? She hides behind all my lies. You need to be loved. You need to be loved. You need all my love tonite. All my love... Sweet Marie, how cold your body can be...---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Well i think i might move from the city. To get away from everyone. Lady, we should move from the city to get away from everyone. Why does your life, go numb? Theres poison in your blood. Wash out your heart and set your spirit free. Dont let your love go numb. Troubled man, shake off your worries, or you might just lose your mind. Wash out your heart and set your spirit free. Dont let your heart go numb.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Well have i taken you for granted? But i know what matters most to you. In slow motion as you walk on by, pictures of you, forever in my mind. Hold me tonite. TONITE TONITE! HOLD ME TONITE TONITE TONITE! Tomorrow keeps bringing me down, but im still right here, follow me to the edge of the sea...-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Music is consolation, not endangering. Beats the choice of growing old. Thinking about you makes me smile...thinking about you makes me... ... ... Im screaming but no ones listening. Can you see it in my eyes? When you walked away stabbed me in the back. Confused about the way i feel. But i can see it in your eyes, when you walked away chin burried in your chest. Don't you think i realize...------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------This isnt all we can do, no need to sort it all out. Im so bitter. Why's everyone think im so sweet? Let it go. I never sleep at nite, less i forget. But every morning i awake from someplace and remember to rest assured. You always seemed to be there for me, but i hate to hear that you felt that way.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------An envious beginning, a shallow ending. All afloat in my wake. All drowning in my passing. Can you take your bullet back? Is it all too late? Or is it all just the start? This isn't what i wished for. Dont just leave it alone. I never asked to be sorry. I dont regret that i didnt want to. If its over then its over for sure? Its so easy to fake a smile.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I hope someday youll understand, i want to try to make it right. Last nite, everything was right, the rain was gone. Summer nites the only time we know. Except your wrong, so shut your eyes, when you wake up ill be gone. When you wake up ill be gone.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I suppose you know, I care for you, and its right this time. Why dont you care! GO MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR LIFE! Come tomorrow ill be on my way back home, and yesterday will just be another day iv left behind. Brookside telephone, one night doesnt mean the rest of my life. If I go, its not impossible, impossible is probably wrong, so let go...cause im afraid to die.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------He said to wind my heart in yours. She said i want you by my side. But its true love. Im wondering, why not just let me live, on my own...on my own. Wrong, what they said is wrong. Wrong, run, wrong. Don't ever seem your running questions have a theme, i wondering why not just let me live, on my own...on my own. Myself with that, without.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The hopes that i have carried, they fall out from my hands. You with that, without.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------AGAIN! AGAIN! ........again. Fatigued, contently pleased with my own work. Smiles, im all smiles, its so easy to fake a smile. And today, i wish i could stop it, and tonite, i wish i could paint it away. What you wish for will come true, You with that, without. As a drop out, thats time without. You with that, without. Me without, with that. You without. We without. With that.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------FALLING FALLING YEAH!!! Standing cold, standing cold, hands behind your back standing cold. My lips are so numb from holding back, standing cold, holding back. Your lips are so hard that your kiss might kill me. So soften the blow, kill me, standing cold, holding back...kill me.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Expressions, i express myself. Expressway, i want to get away from myself. Tied to a license plate, i trail behind myself as i paint away tonite. But she could have the body of a model, as if the way she wants it. Its finally caught up with me, so instaed of run i will trail, trail as i paint the nite. OBEY. Its about hate and war and huge disposable tupperware containers filled with glue. One chance to show the fate, thats one shot all you get. Last vow you'll ever take, lift you head up should it change. Never heard you laugh like that so cold, not since you were mine. Im sad, im celebrating, in the cellar like old times. In regards to our last goodbye, may last the rest of your life. May last the rest of your life... We've declared tomorrow unfit for living. So end yourself now, end it all now. Ender will save us all... look how pathetic that is, throwing dashboard in there...fuck ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------These pictures on my wall, they seem to tell it all. The story of us and what went wrong, a picture book of lies. And i try to stop today...-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------when reality snaps, only the most insane seems reasonable nothing seems reasonable iv been walking iv been appreciating my body and the way it senses senses cold, heartache, pain, loss, but above all pain i like how you can displace one hurt with another, thats why i like the cold so much it makes you numb you stop registering i was trying to numb myself ........... The sun will come out tomorrow, but itll still be cold, ill still be numb------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------If the blow is swift enough, it goes unnoticed, quick and painless. You see it coming, you see it pass, but the damage is unknown. But the damage, the damage is fatal...mortal, we are all mortal. Mortality, we all share mortality. Yet by knowing we all will die, we quicken eachothers exit by committing mass homicide...we seek it out. We want to die, we welcome it into our lives and embrace it. Love, love is homicide.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------"Play yourself some Bright Eyes tracks while you're thinking...." Fuck you, you don't deserve them, you don't deserve...-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I want to love forever for ever.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------28 hours to live � Let�s not get caught up in the details of this story, in fact, how about I write the rest of this story later. It�s his last hours, he doesn�t need a name, he�s a concept. In fact, its his last hour if we want to be precise. He has a girlfriend, she doesn�t need a name either. They�re in love, atleast they were. But that�s the thing about love, its ever. Not forever and ever, just ever. The last portion, the piece that ties together it all�ever. They broke up over one of those disputes that doesn�t mean anything, that you talk about later as a great story with your friends. Its was one of those endings that when you start swapping stories about love and girlfriends with your buddies you dwell on. While everyone else is still laughing and going on about this broad they took up the ass you get sort of quiet and feel yourself pulling away from the table�thinking about that time your girlfriend told off those guys about what pigs they were. How hard you laughed when she did, and how quiet they got afterwards. Yeah, why did you ever leave her? Wasn�t she great? Maybe to great. But that�s the other funny thing about ever�it isn�t forever. And when you put that for there, it means that love will be there for all of that ever�every single second of that. Ever; ever just means it existed at all, by chance in any way. Yeah, love exists ever, in some manner for ever. I really have to emphasize this, for ever, not forever. Good. Well, his love for her was the forever type, hers, however, was the ever. Yes, I know I just disproved love forever, but it exists, trust me. 1 hour, can you imagine what must be going through his fucking mind. Try to put yourself there, think about being told your living on borrowed time. Think about what you felt when your pet died. Think about what you felt or will feel when your grandparents die, your parents, your siblings, your partner. I�m dead serious, stop reading and think. Focus on that feeling, your parents have just died, what does your gut feel like. Is it wrenching? What were your last words you spoke to them? Do you wish I was I love you? What if they died in a car accident and the last thing you said to them was �I need gas money.� Maybe you�re just not getting this, fine, I�ll move on. 1 hour, he�s with her. Don�t ask yourself for how long, how they reconciled, the words they exchanged. Just imagine them, on their own plane away from all things human and known. Just imagine a sort of elevated light, something amazing, awe-striking, pristine. They are in an embrace and in their faces is a sort of solace. Separated, unquestionable. Love is ever, remember? Ever�for ever, forever. Ever is its own, a time away from time. Ever, it�s a concept. This is all about concept. In every second there are a thousand feelings that can run through your mind and body. Ever been in a car accident or a situation of shock? In that first split second there are millions of nerves firing all over your body, thousands of thoughts and ideas. If you could focus on just one of those feelings, for ever second, for that entire hour, it could span on into a time equal to the infinite. Its like that old math paradox of the race between the tortoise and Hermes, the winged messenger of the gods. If Hermes gives the tortoise a head start of about 10 seconds then the tortoise will have a 15 foot lead or so. Hermes can make up that difference in say 3 seconds. But in that 3 seconds the tortoise will have moved on. Hermes will make up that difference in say 1 second, but again the tortoise will have moved on. Every time Hermes makes up the difference the tortoise makes he has already moved on. Again and again, continually moving forward down to the smallest thousandth or millionth of an inch. In this manner it could be said that Hermes will never catch up to the tortoise, because they will be playing catch up into the infinite. This isn�t true, but it�s an interesting mind twist. So think about that, living on forever in constant motion from second to milli-second to smaller. Not ever moving to the next second or passing to the next minute. But dividing every second smaller and smaller till it spans eternity. There was no worry of passing away at the end of that hour, because it would never come. Every second would cross over into ever, every emotion would be picked apart from thousandths, to millionths, to just its individual shape. Love is ever, and in every hour is the opportunity to feel it. That last hour he spent with her, in ever. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My page died, i lost almost all of it except what you see remaining underneat this. Geocities died on me, ohwell. Lindsey is right, its something that shouldnt phase me, i should just work on, and im going to.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tramatized (6:38:03 PM): they dont have meaning ===== Mayflygraffiti (6:38:06 PM): me too alot ===== Tramatized (6:38:13 PM): and what meaning they have really only i understand ... its not so much a meaning as something im conveying ... an attitude mixed in words ===== Mayflygraffiti (6:38:36 PM): uhuh ===== Tramatized (6:38:44 PM): i dont know ...): it kind of brushes off on you as you read it ... maybe just a little, like a twinge ... not enough to make you think it ... but enough to make you feel it ... you just have to stop asking waht im writing and just read it ... then itll come to you ...i think? ...hopefully...atleast thats what im thinking it does right now? ...): perhaps ...perhaps...--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------filled with strings of hope playing upon my heart like an open sonnet...abundance of adoration, upheavel of admiration, upset of anticipation, twisting my tuners till im so taught that sharpness is flatness and everything is a choral scream! SCREAM! SCREAM YOU LOVE ME! SCREAM!!!!-----------------------------------------------------------