YOUR... JOKING...


Hiv a wee squint at oor jokes...











Remember this when you're kissing mirrors ladies !!!
According to a news report, a certain school in England recently was faced with a problem. A number of year 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the janitor would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Eventually, the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the janitor .She explained that all these lip prints were causing a problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the janitor to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers ........... and there are educators




Never under estimate little old ladies!
A little old lady went into the Bank of England one day, carrying a bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank
to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing,
the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office
(the customer is always right!)
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, 165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash,
so he asked her,
"Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.
Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you 25,000
that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
Sure," said the president, I'll bet 25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved,
may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet
and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,
turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was
absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: 25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady
asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls
and then asked if she could feel them.
Well, Okay," said the president, "25,000 is a lot of money,
so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer
was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him 100,000
that at 10:00 a.m. today,
I'd have The Bank of England president's balls in my hand."




Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.

Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.

Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.

Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.

Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.

Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.




THINGS THAT MAKE YOU SAY "HUMMMMMMMM"

(1)Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
"I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

(2)Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

(3)Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

(4)If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

(5) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

(6) Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed
if they are going to look up there anyway?

(7) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

(8) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?

(9) If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him,
is he still wrong?

(10) Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


HMMMMMMMMMMM.................




1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria.
I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience
since I once mounted her mother."

3. Ringside Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing
but none of them really that serious."

4. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president
is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."

5. Metro Radio, College Football:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

6. US Open TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that,
before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them,
oh my God, what have I just said?"





Two gay guys are in a San Francisco bathroom using the urinals.
One of the guys looks at the other guy's
penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He turns to the other guy and says,
"I believe you're supposed to put that patch
on your arm or shoulder, not your penis." The other guy replies,
"It's working just fine.
I'm down to 2 butts a day."




My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. "I got in a tiff with Riley." "Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised. "He must have had something in his hand." "That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?" "Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right boob." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"





The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up.
A twelve year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute." The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What did you say?" The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute."
"A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said. "Oh, praise Sweet Jesus! I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."





TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

10th - "Aw c'mon. Who the Fuck is going to find out?"- Bill Clinton, 1997

9th -"How the Fuck did you work that out?" -Pythagorus, 126 BC

8th -"You want WHAT on the Fucking ceiling?" -Michelangelo, 1566

7th -"Where did all those Fucking Indians come from?" -Custer, 1877

6th -"It does so Fucking look like her!" -Picasso, 1926

5th -"Where the Fuck are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th -"Any Fucking idiot could understand that." -Einstein, 1938

3rd - "Scattered Fucking showers, my ass!" -Noah, 4314 BC

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a Fucking hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

And,.....drum roll.......

The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word.................

"What the Fuck was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945






Three men answered and ad for CIA agents. The ad stated the men were to bring their wives.
The first man was called in for the interview. The Agent in charge handed him a gun, then said, "We must have absolute loyalty in this service. Take your wife in the next room and shoot her."
The man looked shocked. He thought and said "I'm afraid I can't do that. I just got married 2 weeks ago and I still love my wife." He left.
The second man came in and the agent gave him the same pitch. The man, almost in tears said, "Oh no. I can't do that to her, she's about to have a baby." So he left.
The third man entered and was given the pitch. So he took the gun and his wife into the next room. Soon "bam bam bam bam bam!" Then there was noise of furniture being broken, woman's screams, then nothing.
The man comes back out. The agents asked, "What went on in there??!!" The man said: "Some idiot put blanks in the gun so I strangled her!"





The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!"




A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?" "Okay," she said, "but it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay," she said again, "but it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but you know it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
"Oh, well that's different...." she says. "Send her in!"




A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
The teacher had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.
The teacher agreed.
Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "You'd better put Johnny in the fifth grade. I missed the last four questions myself."



One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."



Bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day. When she's in a good mood it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead



A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight, embarrassed and red faced, sure that everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands, "Stop that!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"



In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, "Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them." She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers. Little Suzie raises her hand.
Suzie: "I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched" Teacher: "That's a good story, now what is the moral?" Suzie: "Don't count your chickens before they are hatched" Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?"
Ralphie: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke." Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?" Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." Teacher: "Very good Ralphie, anyone else?"
Little Johnny: "Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife." Teacher: "Very interesting Johnny, what is the moral to your story?"
Little Johnny: "Don't FUCK with Aunt Karen when she's drunk."



A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding too!









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