It Ain't Half Hot Mum episode 1

Plot:
The Concert Party board a train ready for a 1200 mile trip to the North West Frontier to give a show. The journey is expected to last five days. As they board the train, the Bearer has the roof space reserved for his relatives and co-workers (at a charge), and one of them is his Mother-In-Law who he intends to drop off in Delhi.......whilst the train is doing fifty miles per hour!
            Colonel: "We shall be on the train for five days, so I want you to make yourselves as comfortable"
             Clarke: "What do we do about connors sir?"
            Colonel: "We stop at stations, and food will be served in the European dining room"
              Evans: "Will there be any chips?"
            Colonel: "(laughs) amusing fellow, Graves isn't it?"
         Ashwood: "Evans actually!"

The Conert Party are in one carriage, and the Sgt-Major, Colonel and Captain in the other, accompanied by the Punkah-Wallah who is operating the electric fan, and also a block of ice. They share a few drinks, and play poker. Whereas the Colonel and the Captain have Pink Gins, the Sgt-Majr sticks to a straight Gin.

         Ashwood: "Surely you'll have a touch of Angostura's?"
        Sgt-Major: "No Sir, it's these Indian carriages. They always get a bit pongy when it's hot!"

In the other carriage, the Bearer is explaining to the concert party about the local tribesmen, and how the British Government pay them to keep them from firing upon British troops. He goes on to say that this is very cunning on the part of the British Governemt as they know that the tribesmen will take the money and fire anyway. But, as they will buy drinks with the money, it means that they will only fire when they are drunk, and by that time they will not be able to shoot straight.

The final leg of the journey is by road, and very soon the Truck and the Jeep both break down leaving them stranded thirty miles from their destination. They soon discover that they are stranded on the spot where nine British soldiers were ambushed and killed many years before.   When a signal is seen being flashed in the cliffs above them, the Colonel decides that someone must go on ahead and get help.   The Sgt-Major immediately volunteers Lofty for the task. Lofty sets off on his mammoth journey, but it is not long before he returns carrying a carpet.

           Solly: "Lofty! What Happened?"
             Lofty: "I got captured by tribesmen."
              Solly: "Blimey, did they give you a hard time?"
             Lofty: "No, they gave me a carpet!"

The Carpet is an invitation to a conference by the Head Tribesman, which the Colonel agrees to attend. But the conference does not go smoothly as the tribesmen mistake the "Royal Artillery Road Show" for the "Road to...." films and demands to seee Bing Crosby. The Colonel tries to correct the mistake, but the tribesmen get angry. Solly saves the day when he emerges from behind the truck in Bing Crosy clothes and Golf club, and the tribesmen fall for the impression. The concert party perform a show for the tribesmen, and the head of the tribe is very impressed, especially with Dorothy Lamore, who is in fact Gloria. The Head tribesman gives the Colonel a Camel saddlebag, and in return, he wants Dorothy Lamore!