Monthly Horoscope
(note: These horoscopes are written by me and in reading them you also agree that i am not held responsible for anything resulting from what you read. Horoscopes are dangerous you know!)
Iesa's Monthly Horoscopes - September 2001
CAPRICORN (Dec 22.- Jan. 19)
Cap, this month you’re going to be laying down a lot of cash. Probably the people that you made a deal with a long time ago are going to try to weasel out of it when it comes down to shelling out the dough. Don’t get upset though, just remember it. The things you learn in life always cost you, so be glad that this lesson’s fee was only monetary.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 -Feb. 18)
Ok, somebody’s got to break it to you that you’ve been being a schmuck. Take a step back and look at what you’ve been doing. Have you been neglecting someone who used to be close to you? Have you been ignoring another friend’s needs? It’s time for a bit of a reality check. This means that you have to stop making excuses for yourself and make sure that you’re treating others the way that you would like them to treat you…if you are then you’re golden, but if you’re not, things need to change before you push someone away for good.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Just leap and stop looking so hard at where you think you’ll land. When you cling to the place that you’re at right now, you let go of your choices in where you end up. Everything changes, no matter how hard you try to keep things the same, and if you don’t do the changing then someone else will. You know what you want Pisces, so go for it while the going is good and don’t wait ‘til tomorrow, because your chance might not be there anymore.
ARIES (Mar. 21- April 20)
It’s time for you to stand up for the ones you love this month. You’ve been watching them be oppressed for long enough and it’s time you spoke up. So you might lose your place in the pecking order with the boss, but which is more important? The way your boss feels about you or the way you and your loved ones feel about you? Or maybe you don’t have any loved ones…in which case, tell your boss to piss off for fun!
TAURUS (Apr. 20- may 20)
Defiance is your middle name and the bull is suiting you well this month. A little stubbornness can be a desirable quality in a person, but disagreeing just for the sake of an argument isn’t fun for anyone. So if there’s something you feel strongly about then by all means, don’t back down, but if you’re just arguing because you don’t want to admit that you’re wrong, then you’re headed for trouble this month.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
Gemini…you’ve got quite a test coming up and of course it’s not going to be easy, but if you plan things well ahead of time you should pull out of it just fine without pissing anyone off. Preparation and planning will win the day this month, so don’t slack off and maybe you’ll have something to show for it when all is said and done.
CANCER (June 22-July 22)
Alright crabby, since I’m laying the smack down on everyone else, don’t think I’m going to spare you. It’s really time that you plucked those eyebrows and tossed out the ugly yellow shirt. Nobody likes a badly dressed Neanderthal.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
Finally, it’s the day or month that you’ve been waiting for. It’s time to shine and there will be a lot of people watching, so…not to pressure you, but…don’t mess up. And don’t cry either cause it’ll make your mascara run all over. Keep your cool, remember to smile and then kiss my butt big time when it’s over.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 -Sept. 22)
Virgo…the oddity of the zodiac. Well, this month will bring a change for you as well. You’ll be moving…moving your dwelling, moving your cubicle, or maybe moving the TV to an angle so that you can see it better from your favorite chair. But the big thing to remember here is to keep it tidy from the start. Cleaning wont seem so horrible if you do it regularly. Mop your new kitchen floor weekly, or toss your scrap papers in the trash at the end of each day, or wipe that TV down with some windex when you move it and you wont find that furry brown stuff growing there ever again.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 -Oct. 23)
You’re joining the masses. You thought that because of your obviously superior intellect and charm that you’d be set for as long as you saw fit, but…the rug has been pulled from beneath you. You will know the same pain as all of those computer software developers. But the bright side is that you’ll have lots of spare time! So do something constructive, like build houses out of toothpicks.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
You’ve been caught red handed and now you will feel the repercussions of it for at least the beginning of this month. Next time, you might want to dress up like the hound dog when you raid the hen house. Lay low until things blow over…and don’t screw with people like that again.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 -Dec. 21)
Sag…this month you can do no wrong, unlike the rest of the zodiac. You shine everywhere you go, and people naturally want to be close to that…especially if you have the feed bag. So, while you’re at it this month, step up and take the credit, let someone appreciate you more than you feel you deserve, because…you do.
Iesa’s Monthly Horoscopes – August 2001
CAPRICORN (Dec 22.- Jan. 19)
This month, take the time to really enjoy your collection. You’ve spent a lot of time franticly hunting certain items down and it may be time to take a break, and remember why you started hoarding these things in the first place. Also, through the past few months you’ve gone out of your way to help people that are close to you. Don’t be afraid to ask these people for a helping hand this month, but if it’s a Gemini that you’re asking, remember to remind him/her a lot of what it is that you wanted done.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 -Feb. 18)
The hardships that you endured through the beginning of summer are finally over. Take care not to stir up new, unneeded drama and enjoy the peace and quiet that this month may bring to you. Use this time to re-bond with those who stood by you in your recent times of trouble by having a potluck party. Except don’t ask the Geminis to bring anything, as their company alone should be contribution enough!
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Stop worrying about everything and snap at someone for once! Make sure they deserve it though cause you might unknowingly ruin some poor unsuspecting Gemini’s day. Or, snap at all the Geminis you know, cause they probably deserve it anyway…But the most important thing, Pisces, is to stop asking other people about that thing that is worrying you the most, look inside and whether you like what you find or not, the answer will be there.
ARIES (Mar. 21- April 20)
You will be working long hours at your job again. Bring a radio in with you to entertain you during all those overtime hours you’ll be getting and don’t be afraid to sing along. If a Gemini throws a smelly sock at you for it, then you can be afraid, because chances are that the stinky shoe will be next. So your work checklist should consist of a radio, and either a bicycle helmet or some mentos. Geminis like the fruity kind.
TAURUS (Apr. 20- may 20)
Chances are that this month you will be up to your usual mischief. Don’t pick all the raspberries before they’re ripe, Taurus, or later on this summer you could be left with none! Enjoy them one at a time in their fullest flavor. If you go berry picking with a Gemini, make sure to give him/her the biggest ones. This month will also hold some exciting travel for you, to places that you’ve never been.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
Gemini, this month is going to ROCK! You’re going to start making some money, so your financial stress will be on it’s way to becoming history. This month will bring you continued romance, or if you are not involved with someone already, you…either still won’t be by the end of the month or you’ll meet some really cool person and have a lot of fun! But you’ll definitely have a kickin’ month. Throw socks at the Aries that you work with, you know you’ve been wanting to. Start a ruckus with a Pisces, he/she may need the emotional release of laying the smack down. Whatever sign you interact with, do me proud!
CANCER (June 22-July 22)
The Month for you, Cancer, is going to be a rocky one. You are of the crustacean sign and therefor could be subject to the myriad pots of boiling water of the universe. Beware, Gemini’s like to eat your kind and also to feed your kind to their boyfriends. You have an aphrodisiac quality, and are highly prized among the rabbit like signs of the zodiac. Now, for the breakdown, either this is metaphorical and bodes very well for you and you’re gonna get a lot of play, or you know some really screwed up Gemini’s. So go and have fun, but avoid hot tubs.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
You are expecting a great event to take place in the coming months and August will be one month closer and filled with preparation. It is not the time for finishing touches yet, but possibly to get rid of the preliminary rituals before the main attraction. (yes, Gemini, you must attend your Leo’s get together. It’s important to him/her) So, make sure to provide plenty of beer for the Gemini’s, make sure everyone else is going to bring some for themselves as well, and try your best to enjoy it. It won’t be long now.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 -Sept. 22)
Finally, you will begin to see the brighter side of things in August. Sure, your car may be in the shop, racking up a huge bill for repairs, but you get to ride to work with that certain someone that you’ve been meaning to find an excuse to spend more time with. Sure, someone swiped your wallet, but your insurance company is going to give you back more than was actually in it. Sure, you don’t like the method of birth control you’re taking, but you haven’t turned into a raving, lunatic, hosebeast and your fiancée still thinks you’re da bomb! So, look at it this way…you could be a blind ho-bo with no internet access and then I’m sure you’ll feel much better.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 -Oct. 23)
Ok, Libra, it’s true that some people just aren’t going to appreciate you for who you are. They aren’t going to see that you know what you’re talking about, like Gemini’s do. These people are some of the hardest for you to deal with in life. They interrupt you. They repeat the same thing over and over again. They actually LIKE those little yappy ankle biting dogs! Don’t fret, Libra. The battle isn’t over yet. Give them proof that they can look at and that may help…and if it doesn’t then just open up a can of whup arse on them and take what you want.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Scorpio…I’m out of amusing predictions, but you guys are the sex sign of the zodiac, so I’m sure that your month will be filled with something that the rest of us will covet. We will all look at you with the boiling green of envy in our eyes. Some will try trick you out of what you have and others will try to emulate you in attempts to achieve similar ends. It doesn’t matter who it is…even the Gemini’s will want what you have when we see…that you have a lot of…BEER!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 -Dec. 21)
Don’t use the toilet while your girlfriend is in the shower this month Sag, as though she does love you very much, there are still some things you just shouldn’t share. Financially speaking the weight should be lifted finally and it’ll be time to kick back and enjoy the fruits of all your hard work. Most of all, this month, murder a lobster, cause after all, they are plentiful and they don’t rise up in rebellion about it. Oh yeah, and don’t forget to share it with your favorite Gemini.